Thursday, 26 February 2015

Old Knudsen Sees A Psychic

So I went to a psychic medium show last week. It was a small turnout of about 40 people in a side room at a hotel. I got the sense that it wasn't going to be like John Edward when the audience were coming and going to the bar every 5 minutes and vaping in their seats.

The psychic took to the small stage, he played some song to get into the mood about when you need me I'll be by yer side, very sad I'm sure.

Bob Taylor psychic medium dressed in his 3 piece suit sans jacket with his fat belly testing the the limits of his waist coat stood and breathed as he listened to the spirits behind him.

He went off on a story about how he has heard some song about using someone's pillow. I don't think it was the Drake song, 'And if you pillow talking with the women that are screwing you Just know that she gon tell another nigga when she through with you' .... it wasn't that kind of crowd. All white people (obviously) with the old weemen on the right side of the room and the middle aged weemen with about 4 men on the left. 

A woman said her pillow had fallen, hit the electric heater and caught fire and she vaguely knew of the song from when she was young, not good enough.

No one got the pillow thing, a large woman at the front who got ALL the references said she understood the pillow but I highly suspect she is one of his regulars. A bodysnatcher as he explained who takes all the people.

Someone is sucking my psychic juices I cannot speak to the dead today!

No no no, it's all your fault, you aren't paying attention and getting the connections, he berated in a more polite way. Sort of YOU DON"T BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH! Enough to make people politely nod and question themselves. Once they say that they sort of get it he runs with it and it's not like you can say no after that. People's brains make connections naturally and he is relying on us accepting his tenuous links and connections for the sake of his show. 

I only do home parties for no more than 3 people as anymore is just greed and you can't read everyone ... as he stands in front of 40 people. What if 40 spirits came through?

Ballywalter! he called out, which as it turns out is close to where he is from. A woman said, 'yes me' and he asked if she trained horses, when she was young it seems ... that was enough of a link. The lady volunteered the news that her sister had died. He asked did someone get better just before they died? .. um lots of people do that, it's one of the signs that the end is nigh.

After John Hurt's character in Alien got the thing off his face he was eating his dinner like a starving person just glad to be alive and then he died.   

Do you know the song 'Bring me sunshine?' every British person knows it just like Americans know the Mister Roger's theme. Well your sister is saying you brought her sunshine and made her smile, she also sends you rainbows.

Shit! I thought the rainbows were God's promise to not kill us all again, a sort of scary reminder to appreciate that God has let you live another day.  Like a divine raising of a hand.

Well the lady was crying and the younger lady beside her (her daughter?) was crying too. The younger lady (early 20's) had been looking back at me a lot at the start of the night, must have been my manly shoulders though I was actually thinking 'what the fuck is her problem?' aye me mating skills are that rusty, £5,00 in change is usually Old Knudsen's foreplay and yes he expects change. 

Flowers were given .... no not Valentine's day, that would be too easy. Oh flowers at a grave, imagine that. He didn't get the sister's name name though, you'd think that spirits would give that out instead of a KK name or a double barreled name which she didn't get. 

I sense a woman will meet a man, it will be awkward at first but then they will have drunken sex.

I'm getting a beautician or some beauty course that someone wasn't happy about .... silence then 'I work with make up.' None of the things applied to her such as the recent purchase of a Louis Vuitton bag or purse though the woman in front had bought a Louis Vuitton case 3 days ago. I can't even remember who her spirit was but they said she ate a lot of baked beans, which she denied but her man said she did because she was very windy. 
She'd later get an old fella who wore bicycle clips and smoked woodbine and had a wart on his hand .... out of 40 people, 10 of them knocking on Heaven's door you'd expect more to get more on that one.

He keeps saying Cody or codi .... a name of a child or pet? I thought it was a bit of a generation mistake there but it turned out to be Co-codamol, as explained by him that an elderly female relative of hers may be on. She was very quiet during the whole elderly relative part as if that bit didn't match.

If a spirit comes across I'd be validated if they said "aspirin" as sometimes I take those and am defined as a person by those wee pills.

The psychic works with dementia patients by the way .... home help? Orderly in a rest home? He didn't seem overly educated but he had balls of brass the way he told people they were wrong and the spirits were always right ..... BULLSHIT!  Even if the spirits were always right what makes you think that you are interpreting them correctly?

The drinks were flowing rightly and he even asked/told someone to put their glass down as he spoke to them.
'I'm getting a female spirit and someone who uses a nasal spray everyday'   ... the guy with the large beaky nose says, 'I use one everyday, I have it in my pocket now but there are no females involved' ... nope, it wasn't him, moving on, no one got that one either.

Somehow he landed on the young daughter lass, turns out that her grandmother may have used a spray, who knows?

Psychic, 'do you get the feeling of a male presence on your stairs?'

Gurl, 'no but I feel like someone is watching me while I'm in bed and doors I know I have closed will be open when I get home.'        

Since the lass was half decent looking and is renting her place I'd check it for hidden cameras and moved underwear in her drawer ... just saying like.

Psyhic 'It's a male relative , was there someone who killed themselves in the house? I'm getting a man who hung himself.'

Old Knudsen took all of his will power to not stand up and say, "he was not hung unless you count his huge cock, he was hanged, he hanged himself" The fucked kept repeating hung. He also said house like hise.

Psyhic 'Do you use shak 'n' vac maybe you like strong smells and what is this about a cigarette butt collection?'

Turns out she would shake 'n' vac her grandad's home and has OCD and can't stand an ash try full of butts. He also mentioned her coughing fits or maybe epilepsy, a friend of hers mined smoking cigarettes to do with her coughing, he came out with the name Matildir .... sorry Matilda which is the middle name of her sister and found out she has an aunt in Texas ... wow, how vaguely exact.

He then explained that the young gurl (not the sister, that was it with her just a middle name) was sensitive to the other side and should zip herself up in a sleeping blanket and bathe herself with protective light, it was then that the friend who mimed the smoking started asking questions. 'Are you a Christian because you sound like Pastor McConnell at the Whitewell church preaching up there' 

Psychic 'I believe in God' 

He then continued with the gurl and suggested that he came out to check out the spirit if she was worried.

The spirit went from a family member to who knows who lived there before.  

Heckler 'I paid £10 and expected to get something exact for my money instead of this shite.' 

The psychic said that he'd never convince the woman and that he was more open minded and of the importance of protecting yourself from negative people .... yes all veiled passive aggressive remarks as throughout the show.

Another woman said she had a passing recently and it was a strong person who would obviously have come through and she was surprised they didn't. The psychic said his mother had passed 15 years ago and never came to him ... I'm sure John Edward has said that.

I bet if she had paid £30 for a private reading she'd get her ghost or is that Old Knudsen being cynical?

The show ended in chaos with the psychic relying on his regulars for validation with the we are right and you are not kind of thing.


Here is what Old Knudsen got from the psychic. He watches the room as people sit and wait, people drinking and not keeping their voices down, lose lips sink ships. His plain wife sits at the back in silence. He's aggressive and bold, not at all shy and retiring and he's been doing this for years, he depends on his bold bluffing a lot.
I'm sure it isn't the first time he has told someone they are special and maybe he should call around to their home. Controlling women seems natural to him, at least the ones who let him control them.

While he may have some talent, not sure if the voices are telling him to say rainbows or not but the things he said could have applied to many people. He may understand humans more than anything.

Middle aged people and old women are likely to get his song references and stereotype people. There was some power in the room but I'm not sure it was from him.

Example of some patter I'd use if I was him, 'I'm getting someone, an older female who has passed connected with someone who went out for a meal or got a takeaway and wasn't very happy about it, could be today, yesterday or a month ago but the spirit is telling me that when you look at the photograph she is by your side..... does anyone know what that means?'      

Old Knudsen wasn't surprised that ALL the readings came from the middle aged people who were drinking while the old dears who have probably lost people that week got nothing.  I took two items that belonged to my parents to the show, if they turned up then I'd get easier validation than nasal prays and pain relief or a job I had 30 years ago.

While I'm sure that Ma Knudsen did turn up, that crazy old coot just danced around on the stage pretending to be some music hall star, never let her spirit around the spirits.

Of all the things, worlds and knowledge that spirits have access to, why do they make vague connections and tell you that they love you etc?  I wasn't surprised I didn't get a reading, I don't have anything much to say to my folks except that I hope they now understand everything better and if they are at peace and at happy.

I Googled the psychic and he has very little online presence except a webpage that isn't kept up to date and 6 testimonials from people who made the connections and were maybe jived that they were voodoo.

We are all voodoo, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay open to possibilities but keep yer skepticism my friends. 

He made a comment worthy of his heckler though. On some site he said about how he paid £60 to see John Edward at the Waterfront hall in Belfast only to have Edwards walk out in jeans and a hoodie, no respect for those who paid their money or for the spirit world.  

Bitchy much? 


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