Thursday, 1 January 2015

I've Started So I'll Finish

It was a funny old 2014 ... thank fuck it's over though, I'm sure 2015 will be a lot better. In 2014 Old Knudsen's Flag Emporium's warehoose in Thailand burned to the ground taking all his stock with it. I had been kindly letting some workers live there just above the sweat shop and tragically they were all killed too. I had nothing to do with the padlocks on the outside of their doors but it was best to stay away from Thailand for a while.

Old Knudsen's marriage broke doon due to the strain of him not being there to keep his wifey from going back onto the game ... Bitch owes me money! Aye tis was a trying year, especially difficult on the kids.

The best thing to do is to dust yerself off and get back in the saddle. This lass is maybe called Heidi, anyways she helped me through a difficult time and enabled my alcoholism which is a fucking illness and not my fault so there. Heidi went to visit some vague relative up north forever after one of my legendary benders. No point looking for her it's all fine.

Looking for the meaning of life I went from town to town on me trusty polar bear Grundy, solving crimes protecting good helpless people from heavily armed criminals out to either shut doon their businesses or extort money from them.  I did learn the meaning of life but then promptly forgot it, ah well easy come easy go.

Speaking of which my partner Janice won £82 million on the lottery just before she went to visit some vague relative up north forever. The money, which she had given to me didn't last too long as the courts deemed I should pay child support to all the weemen who somehow stole Old Knudsen's man issue .... I don't remember half of those weemen. Quit demanding money, it's all gone.

To pay me bills I went back into medicine. Rules seem to have tightened up since the last time I operated on people, now they are very touchy about patients who die on you ... hardly my fault.

I did do some very whacky shit before they caught onto to me though, this fella had .... well I don't know what he thought was wrong with him. Rather than ask patients I prefer to discover for myself what their problem is, it's a more honest form of medicine. He needed his hand to be attached to his foot as he had athletes foot and this would cut down bending over to scratch time. He'd thank me but I noticed he had hemorrhoids and who doesn't like a soft tongue on their butt berries?

I then highlighted sexism when I walked around Belfast for 10 hours getting constant cat calls, wolf whistles and fish blubs. Belfast isn't very big and the circuits made me a little dizzy but I think I showed that I'm as sexy as fuck but I have feelings too and can't shag everyone who shows an interest .... I will try though.   

It was Old Knudsen's honour to be the best man at Charlie Manson's prison wedding. A lovely ceremony except that Charlie isn't allowed any conjugal visits. His bride Star was upset about this so me being the best man stepped in. It was a great wedding night ... well not for Charlie. We showed him pictures as to not let him feel left out.  A lovely bloke I don't know what all the fuss is about, he said he'd name his first born after me. 

I should mention how I was trapped in the Fairy world by the Norns .... aye it was painful. The Norns or the Fates have always had it in for Old Knudsen as he is the only one who actually controls his own destiny. 
After 83 years of sexual slavery I escaped hidden within a droplet of rain and transported back to our world on the head of a butterfly. Of course while I may have been there for 83 long years I had only been asleep in our world for an afternoon. Me norns still haven't recovered from all that sex.   

After having to leave my job as UN peace envoy for the Middle east (creative differences) I went jihad to find myself. Turns out that I wasn't there but I found a silly bint online who wanted to go jihad so she came over and jihaded in my kitchen, praise Allen Achabar now get me a fucking sandwich.  

I found out this year that though I'm paranoid I am being watched. My spreading butt cheek dance got 12.000 views before it was taken off Youtube. Don't worry those weren't real budgies wrapped in cling film ..... that would be cruel, they were actually love birds.

It has been a funny old 2014 but now it's next year, or is it this year? This constantly changing the year thing won't catch on. You spend the first 3 months writing the old year. 

My predictions for this year are .... War in the Middle east resulting in catastrophic loss of life though the world will only care when Palestinians die cos their shit don't stink ..... An airplane disaster will have people asking questions ..... An unarmed black guy will die at the hands of a white policeman ..... A radical Muslim will try to kill westerners and the media will go crazy ....  Christian white people will kill westerners and many others but no one will care ..... Fires, flooding and storms will have people saying the words climate change a lot .... The Pope will call on people to do things and people will say how great he is for merely saying stuff ..... Kim Kardashian will tweet 7.2 selfies a day and no one will ever get sick of seeing them .... Nigel Farage will say stupid, racist things and will get more supporters .... Governments throughout the world will be found to contain large amounts of Hydra agents ..... A much beloved celebrity will die ..... Russia will sell nukes to Iran cos their economy is in the shitter ..... Health and Education will face cuts while politicians and banks get bailouts and bonus' the people will complain but do nothing ..... Drones will kill suspected militants and anyone else they want to ..... Edward Snowden and Julian Assange will fight to the death in a cage match for charity in Uruguay .... Obama takes away everyone's guns .... Prince Phillip dies again .... Woody Allen will continue to get away with being a pedo .... George Bush snr will race Muhammad Ali to see who dies first .... North Korea will do missile tests and the world will laugh cos they named the missiles pa pey dong and Kim will say, why they laugh I don't get it ? .... Someone will post a thing about copyright onto Facebook thinking that it protects their pictures ..... Ebola will go viral ....

That is all I can see for now. Looks like things are really about to change. 

Here's wishing all my readers a happy 2015 and maybe yer rehab will take this time.

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