Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Santa Is Real

 Ho fucking humbug.

Lynn Cassidy has never recovered from the traumatic day when she was aged 10 and received a second hand bike for Christmas. Santa wouldn't give a second hand bike as a present, only those cunts who work for charities do evil things like that. She confronted her parents about it.

"I remember feeling immense sadness as I looked at them and asked if Santa was real.

"They didn't even really have to answer, they just looked at me in a way that said it all. From there my world came crashing down."

Having a sad childhood she found comfort that Santa loved her. "Santa meant so much to me, to know he didn't exist ruined my whole world. I know I should get over it but I can't.”

 Is that him? .... no just a plane, fuck I hope it crashes. 

54 year-old Lynn, from West Yorkshire is on a course of anti-depressants after doctors diagnosed her with "seasonal depression" she even visits a a counselor throughout the holiday season. 

"It's like I'm searching for the hit I got from Christmas when I was young. I have Christmas 24 channel on all the time - watching all the Christmas films. I go to Christmas light switch-ons and garden centres to immerse myself in their elaborate light displays to hope that it may get me in the spirit of things but it doesn't work"

She pretends to be in the spirit of the season for her children but makes sure she tells them to stop being so stupid when they talk about Santa coming.

"At least I have Jesus to talk to and to help get me through it" ..... um, about that.

Well we at Old Bitter Balls have some good news for Lynn, Santa is real, he just cannot stand those Yorkshire accents and how smug Yorkshire people are, it's almost as bad as Leeds or Birmingham. 

 Sprinkle it on yer donuts pig.

The bad news is that he was just recently arrested for attempting to buy a little pick me up in Callyfornia. He is under a lot of stress to visit millions of homes in one night and with his friend Charlie he just flies through it  .... literally.

Due to austerity cuts and the changing attitudes of children there are less and less homes every year to visit. "Children just aren't as good as they used to be"  said Santa from his holding cell.

"The wee fuckers want more and more and it's not even their birthday, it's Jesus' birthday." 

When asked if he remembered Lynn he said, "Yes I do, and if I don't visit any child at Christmas it's because A) they just weren't well behaved enough, B) Their self entitled attitude just sucked, C) they just didn't believe in me hard enough or D) They weren't asleep or opened their eyes when I was touching them. 

So there you have it Lynn, it's not because Santa is imaginary, it's yer fault for breaking the rules. I hope this helps you during yer therapy sessions.
The good news is that it will be Easter in no time when the Easter bunny leaves chocolate eggs for those who truly believe in it, who doesn't like chocolate huh?

The last word from Santa, "Fuck I hate children, especially 54 year-old miserable looking ones, maybe a second hand bike was all her parents could afford ... I need to get a better job, and a good lawyer,  people are just cunts."

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