Monday, 1 December 2014

Old Knudsen Reviews Left Behind

Though it hasn't stopped many from saying they do know ... humans are such arrogant creatures.

Old Knudsen watched the Nicolas Cage movie Left Behind, why? you may ask .... so you don't have to. A re-boot of the 2000 movie staring Bible thumper and ghey hater Kirk Cameron. Just think, Nicolas Cage has gone from Oscar winner Nicolas 'fucking' Cage to Rotten Tomato winner Kirk Cameron, I blame meth.... and maybe the parents.

Duck Dynasty's  pretend redneck Willie Robertson was a producer of the film and thinks that Atheists will watch a Nicolas Cage movie and then be converted. While Old Knudsen isn't an Atheist (he believes that many gods exist ... as many as mankind can imagine) he was not converted to Christianity, in fact seeing the power of this God has convinced him that we need to do a preemptive strike before he commits terrorist attacks on American soil.    

That is the slack jawed confused look of an Oscar winner. 

The story, surprise surprise is about the Rapture .... The Rapture? A term coined in the 1800's when good Christians will all fly up to Heaven during the End of days, yes they will be rescued by the mothership. According to this movie all the children go to Heaven .... huh? Children are cruel wee selfish cunts why do they get saved? 

Well actually the Rapture is really a cull of morons and noisy brats so well done God.  

Since the beginning of recorded history it has always been the End of days or End Times, like how the Daily Express keeps promising the coldest winter in history every other week.

Cage is an airline pilot whose wife has taken to religion and so he kinda looks to other women for comfort which doesn't surprise his daughter as played by Cassi Thomson. It was to be High School Musical star Ashley Tidsdale and her name does appear in some of the posters for it but no, we got a total nobody.

The daughter doesn't believe in God because he lets all these cuntish things happen. She meets her true love in the airport, a guy who is a TV reporter who covers natural disasters said that people ignore all sorts of bad stuff in order to believe in what suits them ... or the truth as he called it. Like the woman whose family got washed away by yon big Tsunami but she and her baby were spared, she fell to her knees and thanked God, then the next day she was killed in a mudslide ... that was the cheery story he told. Where is yer God now lol.

While Cage was called into fly to London on his birthday the daughter goes off home as she is visiting from college. She is the one who brings up religion which all her ma needs to start preaching to her. 

 Duck shagger Lea Thompson plays the mother, ducks aren't covered in the Bible. 

The daughter goes off to the mall with her younger brother while Cage flirts with the insanely hot air stewardess.   
Tea .... coffee? 

Why does Old Knudsen always get the woman with the pinned back hair, ton of makeup on which shows she isn't aging well or some camp sounding dude?  

Cage is so ghey!

People vanish on the plane and they go nuts, luckily Cage is a cunt and depressurizes the plane to make them behave and put their oxygen masks on. Another plane sans pilot nearly crashes into them so it's lucky that Cage flirts otherwise he'd be in Heaven. 

Meanwhile on Earth the daughter sees the worst of humanity. 

No not the black people in Ferguson. While those cunts will riot and loot because a petty criminal gets shot by a cop it takes white people to have a Rapture before they riot ... I bet not many from Ferguson got beamed up to Heaven.  

The daughter then decides to believe after seeing that her local pastor didn't get lifted up either. See what to do God? Just make some magically shit happen and you'll get more converts, for an all knowing deity you are really pretty fucking dumb at times. 

The plane is full of evil doers such as an angry midget who bets, an English chick who does drugs and a Muslim. An elderly woman with Alzheimer's gets left behind also, while her husband vanished. Wow God must really hate that bitch. 

A nerd suggests that they went through a wormhole or the people are just invisible and the midget searches the Muslim's bag for a bomb. I just want to congratulate the makers of this movie for showing a realistic section of society. 

  I just want to see the midget bang the hottie. 

This is a really dumb movie, unlike the TV show The Leftovers which left behind those who resented others in their relationships and families when they should have been loving them. There is also better acting in the TV show than in this movie.   

The action climaxes into a low on fuel, all airports are blocked kinda thing. The daughter must clear a road for the plane to land. It lands and just stops before it hits a tanker of explosive milk or something.   

Cage gets no love from the air stewardess after she finds out he's married, the daughter gets back with the guy she met at the airport and they say, 'this is only the beginning' Gawd I prayer there isn't a sequel. 
The old dear with  Alzheimer's probably just wanders off to be raped and killed by some looters. 

So in order to get yerself Raptured, ignore reason and just blindly believe, God may kill thousands in a flood and may try to kill you but that is only because he loves you. All kids under the age of 18 get Raptured, even if they believe or not so don't bother with the silly crap until yer 18.     

If you don't get Raptured then it isn't God, it's you, you just didn't believe hard enough.

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