Thursday, 25 December 2014

Merry Christmas

Assuming that some personal tragedy hasn't ruined this Christmas time for you then I welcome you to enjoy the Christmas festivities. If you are alone this Christmas then don't worry, you aren't really missing anything.

Uncle Arthur will have too much to drink and will insist on telling you about the horrors of war and how the government is out to get you .... He never served but he knows a guy who had a brother who did.

The hot chick who you've been working up the courage to ask out is going to friend zone you and say that she isn't looking for love and is enjoying being single .... right before she has a few drinks and ends up on the lap of a total douche bag whom she is comforting because his marriage is failing.

Good looking hipster dudes with beards only exist in those perfect Christmas commercials on TV.

Instead you get Bob ... who is really funny except when he drinks vodka as that makes him aggressive. He always ends the night drinking vodka.

If getting drunk is yer only way to cope with socializing with people you can't stand then pace yerself. Resentment expressed early may lead to yer dinner having spittle in it. Nurse yer drinks and sit quietly with a fixed smile on yer face and watch yer opponents become more drunk than you, turkey ... then BOOM!

Make sure the children of the hoose know to keep quiet and play with their new toys while you do yer adult stuff .... Contrary to opinion, it isn't all about the children. In Old Knudsen's day when Christmas was Pagan we'd sacrifice the wee fuckers under a tree to the dark gods.

Whatever way you decide to spend Christmas try to have a spanking good one. Don't waste yer time thinking about the poor, disadvantaged, homeless or the starving people in Ebola, they'll still be there tomorrow .... unless they die of course. Only think about them to score moral high ground points on others. Bill Gates or George Clooney don't let it spoil their day so don't you bother either. 


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