Thursday, 6 November 2014

Zombie Night

You may have noticed that Old Knudsen might have a more than keen interest in ZOMBIES!!!!! not just because I've been back from the dead more times than Jesus, Joan of Arc and Elvis all put together but for other reasons too.

It all started when I was a child, I was bitten by a zombie and so I've never trusted them ever since ... no wait that's clowns. Due to my life experiences people are the biggest danger in the world, they are the ones who will torture you for pleasure or some other agenda, they are the ones who would kill millions to feed their ego and for power. Evil exists and mankind is one of its greatest tools.

Zombies being dead already and the fact that they want to kill you means that it's ok to kill them first, the morality issue is not there. A guy who was a dickhead in life and who gets turned into a zombie would be a joy to kill and with no consequences, you don't go to prison for killing zombies.

So there you have control issues and people who are easier to deal with cos you can head shoot them or use a hammer if in the gunless UK. In good zombie movies they know that people and their unpredictability are more frightening than the zombies. You come across a group of well armed people and those people want to take what is yers and possibly rape and kill you .... or kill you then rape you whatever works. People are still the monsters but there are less of them and hey, you can kill them too assuming that you can.

So that's why Old Knudsen likes zombie movies, you get to kill people without punishment and those who are left are easier to figure out.

I watched the movie Zombie night the other day, mostly because TV is shite and I was bored. How many times must we watch Hitler's rise to power, his super weapons and how he lost? I may be obsessed with zombies but British TV is obsessed with Hitler .... and shitty soaps and reality shows. I'm surprised there hasn't been a soap called 'Deutschland' set in Hitler's bunker. Hitler,"Ve invaded Russia in vinter? oy vey, vhen vill ve ever learn?"  Himmler, "You slag Adolf, you said you wouldn't execute my long lost ghey Jewish twin" Goebbels,"I gave ze order because I loved him, his last words were that you are really triplets und he is black." Himmler, "NNNOOOO!!!!!"

Yeah ok, I'd probably watch that.

So anyways Zombie Night, looks class right? Not to be confused with the screenplay I haven't written yet called Zombie Knight in which a knight from King Arthur's time cums alive and .... well I haven't thought it out yet cos I've want a zombie horse too except zombie horses wouldn't eat meat but don't be stealing it or I'll kill you .... no, seriously I will. 

Anthony Michael Hall and Daryl Hannah, two big A-lister stars, in Albania they are still A-list. AMH (the cool lazy way to say his name) did Dead zone and I liked that, he can act, except in this he just wanted to get it done to pay his rent. Daryl Hannah still has those smouldering good looks we first saw in Splash. 

Did I saw smouldering? I mean get her the fuck away from the heater she's melting. No wait this isn't her.
But still, you might want to turn that heater doon a bit.

In the first 10 minutes I was annoyed, who directed and edited this piece of shit? Anthony Micheal Hall was in a car with his teenage daughter and her friend stuck in traffic, "What's happening daddy?" ... "I don't know baby" .... "Don't worry baby" he called her Baby like 20 times, close yer eyes and it could have sounded like a bad porno .... the good ones just have grunting.

Yeah lets take a short cut by the cemetery, oops knocked a guy down lets all get out and check then run away from the car when zombies stumble at us. When you are afraid you have a heightened sense of danger, in bad zombie movies you live in a brain fart and have the reaction speed of a drunken sloth.

Fast zombies from 28 days later are scary, these ones stumbled around and could be distracted by someone throwing a shoe.

The mum from The Partridge Family was Daryl Hannah's mum, she was either blind with dementia or just highly strung it was hard to tell. A knock at the door, "DON'T LET THEM IN THEY MIGHT KILL US" ... someone shut that old bat up, yes killers always knock first. 

A noise from upstairs has the mum and Daryl shouting, "anyone up there?" Daryl grabbed a magnum handgun and added, "I have a gun and I will shoot it" it all works out well as the mum dies of a heart attack then turns zombie and gets shot in the head, not by Daryl but by another hysterical woman who picks up the magnum after Daryl drops it and does a head shot to the mum with her eyes closed.    

So much for gun courage but yeah, old dithers slow you doon when there is brain bashing to be done.

Why does he need a flashlight?

When a zombie was edited climbing through a window 3 times to drag out the suspense I started to fast forward, I wanted these fuckers to get eaten. Stop calling her Baby, she has a fucking name, it's Tracie! 
It's a TV movie from 2013 but did it have to be that bad? The Walking dead started in 2010 and that is far better, even back then. 
Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller's day off had a small part in it and his performance was Oscar worthy compared to the others. 

The director was probably resting on his laurels after making the hit movie Piranha 3DD.

I haven't seen it but a movie that has both Gary Busey and David Hasslehoff in it has to be totes amazeballs.

For some reason everyone in Zombie Night kept waiting for dawn as if the nightmare would be over then, maybe that is when the budget runs out. The last scene is the dawn shining with the survivors walking off into it. I want to see a sequel that takes up where that one left off, they reach the end of the road and 50 zombies are coming at them and Anthony Michael Hall says, "vampires, it's vamps that don't like the sun not zombies".. and they die.   

Maybe I watch such shite not because I like zombies but because I hate myself.  Ah well, don't forget to tune into SyFy for *Z Nation* every week, it's bound to get better sooner or later.

*From the makers of Sharknado so don't count on it getting better.*

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