Friday, 21 November 2014

Chocolate Apocalypse

What you can expect to see on the streets.

Due to the drought in Brazil the world's coffee crop will be the smallest in the last 7 years at only a miserable 29.5 million bags.

Angry Hipsters pouring yer daily cup of scorn will laugh at yer loyalty cards as you beg them for a large size .... sorry we're on rations. Befriend yer coffee pourer now cos they may be the only ones able to hook you up in the mornings. 

Experts warn of high levels of crime and domestic violence ... mostly in the mornings, people will lose their jobs as they are unable to deal with the usual level of bullshit, charities will get fuck all donations and of course gun sales will rise. 
'Because fuck you, that's why' will become the slogan of the coffee generation. People who drink tea will be beaten to death for being smug. 

Many patients in hospitals all over the world will die as staff give the wrong meds and generally don't give a fuck, teachers will slaughter their pupils as they prove that there is such a thing as a stupid question and office workers will turn their work environments into thunderdome like arenas in which that bitch who talked behind yer back gets stapled to death cos then you were on the moral highground with yer coffee grounds but now it's on.   

Personal grooming just doesn't get done and if you can't have coffee then why should yer kids get a lunch for school?  

I just got a Caffè mocha, now I can stop dreaming about licking Halle Berry lol!  

If you get coffee don't brag about it or you'll face an angry backlash with abusive texts, #stillnocoffee will trend. 

But it only gets worse.

 Give me chocolate!

When God created woman from the rib of a man he obviously made some errors in regards to her unstable attitude but then he created chocolate and all was well.

Even with strong cocoa crops from Cote d'Ivoire and Ghana the world faces a shortage of chocolate. The world (weemen) are consuming more chocolate than can be made and even Ebola in western Africa threatens the production of it. 

This is where many people stop reading as they frantically donate to charities combating Ebola because now they care. 

 Black people will be victims of non-racist attacks for a change because of their chocolatey skin colour.

Old Knudsen was going to stock pile coffee and chocolate in return for sexual favours but the chance of extreme violence towards him as he suggests they give him head for a Twix seems quite possible.   
Hilary Clinton will run for president on the platform of nuking half the world so there is enough coffee and chocolate for those nations (the Americans) who actually deserve to have it, even the Republicans will vote for her.  Does Benghazi taste like coffee or chocolate? ... then fuck it.
While many news outlets have declared the suggested worldwide bacon shortage a hoax we see that   Kevin Bacon has increased his workouts. A bacon deprived fan might just take a chunk out of his arm to see if he lives up to his name. 
Old Bitter Balls will monitor Mr Bacon's workouts as that will indicate the probability of a bacon shortage. 

Heinz baked beans had an increase in sales of beans with pork sausages in them during the great bacon scare of 2014, will they start adding chocolate to their beans? 

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