Monday, 24 November 2014

Bono Avoids Death

A lot of people weren't happy about getting the U2 LP "Songs of Innocence” gifted into their iTunes music library whether they wanted it or not and so may or may not have hired Old Knudsen to assassinate Bono. 

Yes thousands of people texted £3 to have him killed. Just text KILLBONO to 85444 and see that just £3 can make a difference in someone's life .... probably his. And his wife's life when I give her a shoulder to cry on.

So off to Dublin where I learned my lesson, never buy explosives from the IRA. Oh yeah my man is Libyan trained he knows bombs. I should have known better when he went to shake my hand and he only had 2 fingers left. No wonder they lost against the Brits. 

So you may have heard that the luggage door of Bono's Lear jet blew off mid flight on the way to Berlin, all his clothes went. If you see some French twat in short leather troosers and sunglasses you'll know where he got them.

Don't worry Bono made it safely to Germany. 

Before I knew it he was off to New York so I had to get a move on. When I got to New York I hit all of their stupid nanny state laws and so I had to go all the way to New Jersey to the North Bergen Walmart Supercenter to buy a sniper rifle. You can't just go in and buy one that would be crazy, I had to wait at least 20 minutes for them to get one from the back. 

I hired some sources on the street to inform me of Bono's where abouts. I then assumed a position over looking Central park, I always take the moral high ground ....  or grassy knoll. 

My source on the ground, a young lass out to prove herself shouted something about him being too old to cycle which got his back up. Bono and the gurl were tearing through Central park, she manipulated the route so he'd be right in my cross hairs, after some high energy bicycle racing he declared himself the winner and that is when I took my shot, right into a nearby tree.

I must add that ever since me right eye hung out of it's socket for an hour during the Battle of Balaclava against the Russians a few years back I've been having trouble with blurry vision, maybe I should have gone hand to hand in a dark alleyway with Bono, for some reason he is always going doon dark alleyways. 

Lucky the young gurl was a sore loser and rammed Bono from behind ... I bet that isn't the first time he's been rammed from behind.    

Bono fell off his bicycle and landed right on his ego breaking his left arm in 6 places, breaking his shoulder blade into three, breaking his left eye socket and fracturing 4 bones in his penis, he also heard someone laugh which hurt his feelings in 4 places. 

He has had to have 3 metal plates, a hinge, a brass nameplate and 18 screws installed, also his nose tapered, his eyelids lifted and some hair plugs put in.   

 I just heard of a new tax dodging scheme, you'll save millions, I'll tell you later.

Luckily Bono had already recorded his squealing for the new release of the old Bandaid song Do they know it's deadly, proceeds going to help the starving people of Ebola.     

If Bono had not been able to record it then Geldof would have said some snarky passive aggressive comment about him like he did with Adele who was busy doing other things to drop everything for Sir Bob. 

While recuperating in hospital Bono thanked Jimmy Fallon for understanding why he couldn't make it to his show and he also said, "To the little shite on the trike, you've messed with the wrong man, I'm Bono the greatest person alive since Jesus, I will find you and fuck you up."    

So Old Knudsen is a little rusty and Bono is still alive, this story is not an admission of guilt as the prescription drugs I take for me Alzheimer's, depression, dodgy knee and hemorrhoids clears me of all wrong doing according to my lawyer and he's Jewish so he knows all the loopholes. 

The wee Irish man has suffered, sure after yon Bloody Sunday song he totally deserves it so I'm keeping all the money.  Until my next job I suppose I'll just have to practice on normal less famous people. 

Speaking of which, for just £3 you can pay for water purifying packets for the people of Ebola .... or you can get rid of Kayne West, yer choice. 


No comments: