Friday, 31 October 2014

The True Tale Of Halloween

Blessed be weary traveler, I am Lord Cuntus of the forest green. 

Two hundred years before the birth of Jesus, the Irish, Welsh and Pictish Druids worshiped Samhain (pronounced Sow-in) and on all Hallows eve would go to all the houses in their villages wearing masks demanding a sacrifice of fruit, nuts or a slain animal for their god. If the occupants of the house did not give them anything they would take one of their family members to be hanged from a tree and drained of blood which would be mixed with their wine for that night's celebration.

A turnip called a Jock was carved with a demonic face and used as a lantern to light their evil way as it would scare away the good, helpful spirits.

After the tribute of food was gathered and the sacrifices hanged they would drink and feast, since this was the night for spirits to walk the world again. The Druids would call forth Samhain ... he had other names too such as Cernunnos, Cerne, Bile or Belatucadros.

Young naked women would bend over the altar stone and present themselves to the masked Druids who (consumed by Samhian) would sow their seed within them. All male babies conceived on this night would become Druids and any females would learn herbs, healing and sandwich making.

You will live forever when you die if you believe in me, I'm laughing with you not at you ... ha ha! 

This Samhain fun would continue until the 5th century ... then they arrived. Pope Boniface I, was told of the fun the Druids were having and sent in Patrick the Destroyer to drive those snake tongued devils out of Ireland and to kill them where else he found them. With his band of holy mercenaries he killed or converted the fuck out of the Pagans.

The Druids were replaced by other men in dresses and sacrifice was only acceptable in money or land ... "who the fuck wants nuts?" said Boniface I.

The women were replace by altar boys and instead of being mystically born in a drunken fuck fest, being a holy man was just a job that anyone could do.  

Now Halloween is what it is and the spirits are well confused. To invite a spirit into yer home tonight all you have to do is put a plate of food outside yer hoose, a little bread or some cake, but not chocolate as you don't want to incur their wrath, also light a candle in yer home to guide their souls inside.

On the other hand if yer a total pussy and wish to guard yer home from spirits then say these words loud and clear, "Fuck off ya wee cunts I've no candy, I do have some handcuffs and duct tape so flee now before I turn the hose on ya"  This usually works, especially when they notice that I don't have a garden hose.  

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