Sunday, 12 October 2014

Proof That Jesus Worked In The Service Industry

Professor James Sebastian Willmott-Brown from the Texas university of Christ says that he has found evidence that Jesus actually ran a small fast food outlet and so feeding the 5000 was probably something he did on a regular basis. University archeologists have found remnants of a wall near Bethsaida, Galilee which could obviously have been his restaurant.

While burgers would have been on the menu his Fillet'O'fish would have been popular in the local fishing communities. 

It is Professor Willmott-Brown's aim to show Jesus in his real historical context. 

"Jesus was around 6 foot tall, a slim athletic build from years of wood working. From historical records we know him to have been quite pale in skin tone and with blue eyes. Being an ancient version of a motivational speaker he had an energy which would captivate his audience, even the ones there just for the free food. He would have course smelled like burgers and had greasy hair but this was accepted by many because he could heal through the power of touch, could fly and fire blasts of energy from his hands, there is no proof that he could turn invisable and that sounds totally preposterous to me anyway and nothing a true scholar would even suggest."

All historical records and evidence are secret as you just have to believe .... thems the rules.  

FAST FACT:   98% of Christians fall for the Nigerian e-mail scams.

It is thought that Jesus wasn't really killed by the Romans on behalf of the Jews as accounts of the crucifixion and the whole putting the body into a tomb rather than burying him just doesn't add up to what was normally done at the time. It is thought that Jesus fled to France and became an alcoholic dying of heart failure aged 53 which explains why he has never returned. 

A secret French organization called the Plume de merde can trace it's members back to the Christ family of south east France. Jesus lived with Mary Magdalene who kept getting mysteriously pregnant (by God) as his mother had done.  

The clues are all out there. Jesus had a twin with whom he had an incestuous affair with. We believe the twin's name was Christian .... Hence the expression Jesus fucking Christ. Living with 12 blokes shows Jesus as being a man's man though he loved his mammy and even had the odd fag hag tag along.  

If you came here looking for half naked weemen today, here, have some Middle Eastern tits. Female breasts are a sign of God's love for us.    

Tune in next week for a celebrity death and after life match. Unwanted baby cast aside to live with primitives as the ultimate illegal alien battles a child of deity rape who was allowed to be tortured to death by his father, who has the most anger? Who has the most issues?    

Will Superman's arrogance as the man of steel be his undoing? Will natural Middle East rage and blood lust be enough for Jesus to win? 

Who knows, who cares?


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