Wednesday, 3 September 2014

The War Of 6:12pm

 Northern Ireland man General Ross burning the racist building known as the White Hoose.

In 1807 Britain signed the slave trade act which didn't ban slavery, it just outlawed the slave trade. I knew then that I should find meself a knew line of work before all these wishy washy liberals did away with it completely so I sold  'Old Knudsen's chains and manacles inc' and decided to use my skills of diplomacy and became the British ambassador to the US.

We were still fighting Napoleon if you remember but killing Frenchies isn't any fun, something about a man begging for his life before you run him through gets old after a while and then there was the whole having to chase them doon in the first place.   Old Knudsen doesn't do running, not even to kill the French.

Marvelous sprinters the French though Italians can out distance them.

America was a fun place to be with everyone putting on funny accents to distinguish themselves from the British, yehar! this is ma Americkan accent yipikaye partner! 

A very touchy lot for a nation who just won their independence. They took offense when we limited US trade with our enemy France and when we borrowed some of their merchant navy sailors to serve on our ships they got damn right hostile. 
I tried to calm them doon by using my best skills of diplomacy the result was the invasion of Canada (which was/is British) and the burning of York which you may know as Toronto.
I didn't expect them to take me up on a dare, this would of course begin the addiction that America had with invading other cuntries and we British haven't a clue where they picked that up from. 

The war of 1812 is probably best known to the world for the White House being burned and how Dolly Parton saved a portrait of herself and for Andrew Jackson's defeat of the British ... which actually happened after the war had ended (no one had checked their Twitter feed) and so doesn't count. 
He hated the British more than the IRA do but since he couldn't get to the British he took it out on the Injuns .... ach who didn't?   

The 1812 overture was actually written in 1880 and was about the Russian defense of the Motherland (where mothers come from) against that motherfucker Napoleon so don't be getting it mixed up with the Star Spangled banner which is from the war of 1812 .... and set to the tune of an old British drinking song. 

You people really do need to learn yer history, it's lucky I was there. 

America may have declared war on poor old us while we were engaged in a war already but we won .... well America didn't get any of their demands met and we gave each other back the lands we had taken (as if we really wanted Maine) and we promised to fuck over our allies the Indians by not giving them an Indian state as we had said we would .... aye I'd call that a British victory. 

Others who claim to be historians will say I'd wrong but would I be true to myself if I listened to anyone?  ... which is probably why I was to change careers again.  Old Knudsen's Crimea real estate.  

The US embassy in Washington recently celebrated the White hoose burning with a cake on Twitter and an ominous threat 'this time it's only sparklers.' 

Good for them, remind the Yanks not to take us for granted . Sure the Americans may have saved our asses in WWI and WWII and introduced us to many fine things like bathing, reality shows, fracking and getting fat but remember America, lapdogs bite .... so watch yer back, or at least yer fingers.   


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