Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Old Knudsen Reviews Guardians Of The Galaxy

If yer fast you can see Gamora do a massive yawn in a slo-mo walk scene.

Old Knudsen is a Marvel fan, the days of an unknown beefcake in spandex playing a super hero has gone, now we get known stars to work out and play super heroes. Sure the movies aren't deep, what they are is entertaining. 
Guardians of the galaxy movie has been around for a few weeks so I can now talk about it. It's about a ragtag group of aliens who become the guardians of the galaxy when they save it from a bad dude. They also become friends too.

 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how this machine works...

Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill otherwise known as Star Lord, the famous outlaw that no one has heard of. 
He was abducted from Earth in 1988 aged 10 on the same night that his mother died from cancer. The only thing he has to remember her is his walkman and a mix tape she made for him full of dodgy 60's and 70's music that plays all throughout the movie.

Songs like Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I’m Not in Love, Cherry Bomb, Hooked on a Feeling, and yon PiƱa Colada Song .... did anyone else know that it wasn't penis colada? It sorta makes sense now. 
Such dodgy American music, I half expected James Earl Jones to interrupt the music by talking about Sprint texting and calling charges.  

Space doesn't have music as many seemed quite confused about it. The Jackson 5 would confuse anyone I suppose.

 I am Groot.

Vin Diesel plays a CGI tree named Groot, his script goes like this, I am Groot only to be changed later to We are Groot. It's his best work since Iron Giant, the man is an acting legend. Is there any stuffed nosed nasally deep voice that he can't do?

 Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking about something else.

Drax the destroyer was a fun character, a walking muscle with Aspergers. When it's mentioned that metaphors go over his head he says, "NOTHING goes over my head!... My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it."

This was the movie that Karen Gillan shaved her head for. She breaks out her American space accent to play Nebula, a cyborg adopted daughter to evil space dude Thanos. She did well enough, I like seeing the acting methods she used throughout her time as Amy Pond in Doctor Who, she does this slight wobbly head thing and the teenage gurl slouch with a slanted tilt to her head for a pose. 

Uhuru was painted green and a talking raccoon shot big guns .... bored now. 

It was Chris Pratt who made the movie work. He's a great comedic actor and very likeable. His Character Peter Quill is like Han Solo and Indiana Jones combined, he has grown up with the heart ache of losing his mother and not knowing his father so he invested his time in being a walking ego with a glib comment or chat up line for every occasion. 

His most memorable scenes would be getting cattle prodded to Hooked on a feeling and challenging the big mean bad guy Ronan the Accuser to a dance off ..... I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom! 

As for surviving in space without a suit and breathing apparatus, NASA has said that it is possible for a few minutes and being part alien (it isn't a spoiler it's been known for years) he is stronger than the average human. 

Gamora:  And Quill, your ship is filthy. 

Peter Quill: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Only Benicio del Toro could make this Liberace look seem menacing.  

The Collector who has only been seen on end credit scenes has a real scene, you get to see his collection a little more. There are Easter eggs for the comic buff to spot such as Adam Warlock's cocoon, Cosmo the space dog and a Dark Elf from Thor II .... After the credits you get to see Howard the Duck too .... A Howard the duck movie re-boot is not on the cards thank fuck. 

You can always spot the amateurs to Marvel movies, they leave before the credits end and miss the teaser scene at the end. There will be a Guardians of the galaxy II and I'll be there. 

There was more swearing in this film than usual, many jokes that teenagers won't get and of course the annoying ear worm music. It seemed like a long movie but it's packed full of jokes, explosions and action. No tits or ass but Marvel doesn't do that, it only does space violence and talking animals.  

There wasn't even any rape jokes during the prison scenes. When you go to prison you expect rape right? I mean what's the point of going if there is no rape?


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