Thursday, 3 July 2014

Pastor Has Gay Cure

The reverend Frank Schiften from the Universal life ministries church of Jesus and all the prophets  in San Francisco has something to add to the Bible.
Schiften was sitting on the toilet one morning listening though the door to his wife doing her constant nagging about his spending from their joint bank account when he asked the lord for guidance.

In his own words, "I had just dropped a deuce when in my mind's eye God was talking to me, he told me that the Bible was not yet finished and I was the one to do it"  God spoke with a mid-western American accent and a slight lisp by the way. "I know you better than anyone, stop hiding who you are, females are only to be used for breeding and you have produced 2 fine children now be yourself and step out of the closet and into the light my son."

God went on to tell Mr Schiften that being homosexual was God's true gift to humanity and was the  true natural state for all men. Ghey weemen are just kidding themselves or have issues, their place in Heaven is secure but men who are straight will go straight to Hell.
 87% of soccer spectators have had a at least one experiment with homosexuality and think about their favourite players during sex.

Those men who join in with group male activities know they are ghey in their subconscious but refuse to face it. Satan is the one who is preventing this. 

Schiften has typed up 3 pages of what God had told him and has demanded that it be added to any new printings of the Bible, so far church leaders have denounced this idea. Prominent French clergyman Cardinal Richelieu said, "This is preposterous, you expect us to believe that God has spoken to you rather than say,  me? You must think us stupid to to think we will fall for that, give us proof and then we'll believe, until then keep your imaginary friend to yourself."    

Well said Cardinal. Just because you said so doesn't make it true, am I right? 4/10 people hallucinate during the defecation process, it has to do with losing brain cells while pooing. A large dungie pushed out at speed will cause the loss of thousand of brain cells in one go which can cause hallucinations and phantom smells.  


Schiften left his wife of 18 years and now lives in a room at the back of his church with a Hispanic gardener named Jesus. He claims to be able to cure straight men through intensive scripture study and lots of oral sex. It is thought that this method will appeal to long term married men who can barely remember what a blow job is.

Schiften strokes his mustache and beard and says, "If there's hair, God wants you to put it there."  


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