Monday, 9 June 2014

Old Knudsen's Lost Weekend

A reporter for the Larne Times doing an article on LDS

Do my readers know who Maureen Dowd is? she's a New York Times columnist and all round mouthpiece, sometimes she has a point but other times .... not so much. 

She went to Colorado to investigate the now legal drug culture and snacked on a marijuana-laced chocolate bar. What followed was mildly ridiculous and she wrote an article about it. 

"I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn't move to get water. Or even turn off the lights."

"I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me."

Dowd was harshly mocked for her column with someone writing  "Honestly, I assumed Dowd was always curled up in a hallucinatory state while writing her columns."
Then you had smooth, slick and professional CNN reporter Randi Kaye who went to Colorado to sit in the back of a limosine with a pot smoking tour, after her day of "investigating" she reported back to Anderson Cooper.

Everything is so much funnier now. Ah the joys of a contact high. Could you imagine the BBC sending one of their reporters over to get stoned? "They gave me some grass to which I said, you have a very fine lawn and yes, I did find that so mildly amusing that I opened the top button on my shirt and I do not care one jot ..... stand back people, wild man alert!"

Not to be out done Old Knudsen procured some weed that looks and smells like oregano but the wee lad who sold it to me assured me it was good shit which means it's good, not shit.I also got 2 craics, some fairy dust and a bottle of beat the wife, yes me benefits were paid this week. 

I also had me usual prescription pills to take, you know, the ones that make me a nice person. Since my body is a *temple* I take me pills with some Sunny Delight to get me vitamins, very important at my age.   

I couldn't figure out how to smoke me weed in yon vapour e-cigs and so I was forced to just swallow it .... bey that would taste good on a pizza, I could totally swallow a 6 incher meat supreme right now.
I snorted my craic (which was lumpy) and me fairy dust an got stuck into the beat the wife. Here are some of my reactions to the dangers of these substances. 

Fuck em all, if they cannae see the dangers of illegal alien immigrants then let them be taken be taken over and turned into a slave race, I'm gettin too old to save the world and it no longer gets me any pussy .... you remind me of me grandad indeed, well suck gramp's cock then and it'll be our wee secret  ......  Ka-Chow!

After drunk tweeting Nigel Farage and Hilary Clinton (she's so hawt!) I had to break open me special box of wine I was maturing for a special occasion. 2013, what a good year. 

I could tell the drugs were getting to me when I started to cut demonic sigils into me chest and calling forth the spawn of Hell, after a few wrong numbers the demon Bucon told me to stop summoning him and that he was changing his sigil because of me ..... but he was me fuckin best mate, I had to tell him I luv him. 

The blue bus, is calling us ..... ride the snake baby! Does the light in the fridge still exist when I'm not looking at it? I can't remember buying half of that shit in there.

Wha? that rash wasn't on me knob when I woke today, luckily I have medical people on me Facefuck list ....

Why all the angry messages? if they didn't want me to post it onto their walls then they should change the settings.

What was that noise outside? How did they find me? ..... Old Knudsen has a crossbow bolt with yer name on it ya fuckin commies ... shit, not the TV again, these things should have a safety catch, oh wait I just found it.

SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! WHY ARE YOU HERE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? TELL ME OR YER DEED! oh, sorry I thought this was my hoose, well that explains the box of wine .... got any more? Sorry about the telly and don't be drinking yer milk, I had to try to reduce the redness of a rash I have.

I had to cut short my experiment on the dangers of substance abuse and how easy it was to abuse it, sooo fuckin easy, maybe I'm like a natural or something. After a quick jog I went to 24 fitness and threw some shiny pennies on the ground outside and I sat in the bushes waiting for people to bend over to pick them up. 
Wot, can hot chicks just afford to turn doon money? it's good luck if you pick it up ya know ... well good luck for me. I mostly just got blokes bending over but ya get what ya can. Since moving back from the states me spare change has been adding up. I used to put it in the g-strings of exotic dancers but ya don't get that over here cos it's sinful and the weemen have no rhythm. 

Due to a case of the munchies I had to go in search of food, aye I could eat a scabby skunk but thanks to me irritable bowel syndrome I'm barred from many places, luckily 24 hr Tesco is like me second home and handy for when I can't remember where me first home is. Shit it's Monday, when did that happen?

I'd better get going if I'm going to start me knew job as a bus driver, don't want to make a bad first day impression, I'd should swing by the drink section for something to calm me early morning nerves.

*Temple of Doom* 

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