Saturday, 10 May 2014

Phat And Proud

Look at me, I took a dump and lost 5 LBS

Old Knudsen always likes to address the problems his readers may have, chronic masturbation syndrome is next week, just after me herpes post.

Some of my beloved readers have body issue problems, well since Andy is the wanker and Jen has the herpes we all know who, out of my 3 readers ate all the pies. 


One of Old Knudsen's success stories, you'd be amazed what a difference proper "grooming" can do for a person. Just destroy their self respect enough for an eating disorder and blackmail them into taking photos. It's all in me book, 'Fucked up? You will be soon' at all good Barns and Knobals.

Illinois lass Brooke Birmingham had been detailing her weight loss effort on her blog,  “Brooke: Not On A Diet” Nothing says loser like having a blog and lose it she did, 172 LBS in only 4 years. I don't know how she did it or why it took so long, maybe she got a gastric lap dance who cares? That calorie watching shite is weemen stuff. "I can only eat one carrot and a protein shake a day for my diet, then I have me normal food ending in 8 beers of course."

If Old Knudsen needs to get into fighting shape he uses his home made gym or goes and lives in a cabin in Russia and chops logs and pull a sleigh full of bricks an shit. I used to go to me local Burger King and punch the frozen meat but the manager kept complaining that I was breaking their burgers. 

I used to watch what I ate but now I watch the telly as I eat. 

Not Brooke.

So Brooke (remember her?) was approached by Shape magazine to feature her in a success story article.  After seeing the Shape website she assumed they would want a picture of her scantily clad. Shape magazine is all about showing what kind of body you too could have if you had time, money, a personal trainer and good genetics. 

 An artists rendition of a before picture. 

  And now.

Wow, how realistic and true to life .... now go put some clothes on I'm trying to eat here. Ach how cruel, I'm only joking.

No not really, there you go who wants realism anyway? So Shape magazine asked for a picture with her shirt on and Brooke took the pointy as she wanted to inspire people with honesty or something, you'd think that Shape would send their own photographer for the after shot ya cheap bastards. 

She pulled out of the deal and is getting more coverage than she knows what to do with and now Shape looks bad cos they be putting the sisters doon.

Seriously peeps, that after photo would have me reaching for the ice cream and saying whats the point if I end up like that? It's a great achievement to lose that much lard and she looks great when dressed but people really need to be able to fool themselves if they want to motivate yon fat arses off the couch. 

I wanna look like this after I workout ..... no I don't mean all ghey an like I mean, aye ok then ghey it is. See how motivated I am now? I may even go to the gym with my fellow Spartans and share some body oil.  I hope they don't kick me in the hole.

I'm no belittling her efforts but did she really think a swanky mag full of fit chicks would want that picture? Maybe because Weight Watchers hired her she needed something to write about so um I'll play a little dumb and then act all offended that I'm being oppressed. 

Wot ... you didn't want a picture with me cock out? you did say you wanted a head shot. What's wrong with my cock (besides the warts and rashes) are you telling me it's wrong to be a well hung man? Real men have packages!

Too much honesty?  Kelly Osbourne was in Shape cos she accepted Jesus as her personal trainer. I have one question to ask as this has bugged me for years, what the fuck happened to her face? 

Aye she has a big ol noggin but has she been snorting the Botox? I swear it isn't photofixed, the shark is there to show you what a real smile should look like.  "No Kelly look happy and joyous, not manic on the verge of a killing spree" ...... "This is my happy face."  

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