Thursday, 15 May 2014

If You Have To Ask Then It's A Mask

Leo Selvaggio is an artist who wants to screw with the system .... er he wants to make art, yeah that's right.
He lives in Chicago which as he says has 25,000 surveillance cameras all linked to a central hub called virtual shield this incorporates military grade facial recognition software which can detect you anywhere in the city.
Since Chicago is kinda bankrupt it doesn't really do law and order but at least in the important parts of the city they can see who is doing the crime, the rest of the city is like Mad Max but more violent. Even the Vampires don't go out at night in Chicago.

Selvaggio wants everyone to wear a mask of his face in order to fool the cameras to think you were him. He also wants to shag a dude wearing the mask while he has razor blades strapped to his cock and high on crack to make an artistic statement about something.

It's all very odd and suspect. The masks don't look anything like the porky artist and what is really his motive?
Does Selvaggio want to commit the perfect murder or bank robbery? It could not have been me officer as I was everywhere..... like God but real.   

Remember that time on Oprah when Tom Cruise ripped off his face and instead of a scaly reptilian as expected he was really....

Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Tom Cruise, it seems that the two method actors got so caught up in their characters for Mission Impossible III that they never came back from it.

Since 2011 no one has been sure who was actually who until director JJ Abrams realized that one of them didn't really exist at all, it was only when Hoffman died did we find out that it was him who had never existed.

Which is good news for us as who doesn't like Tom Cruise? ..... he's amazing, am I right am I right?

 Belfast rioters.
Of course many cities have anti-mask wearing laws so don't go rushing out to double bag yer wife.... oh and use paper bags when you do, learn from my mistakes.

In Northern Ireland we use face recognition software to reconstruct the identities of people attending IRA funerals and commemorations as they often wear balaclavas to hide their fugly potato loving faces.
They very often try to trick the software by padding their masks, the police have found a way around this by entering the data they have and putting it into a hat and the name pulled out is probably who they are after, if not them then try again until one sticks.  

Old Knudsen has been accused of wearing an old man mask at times which is handy if yer robbing a petrol station but one time I wanted to get a sun tan in winter just to look fly but the sunbed shop wouldn't let me in until I took off me mask and rubber skin suit .... the cheeky *Arabs* so I said fuck youse and got a spray on which looked so natural.

I could have gotten the same effect by a large amount of carrots or something else with a large amount of vitamin A, carotenosis it's called, some babies get orange noses from it, totally harmless.

Trust Old Knudsen when he says, "Never trust a fat artist for they may want you to suffer for their art" an artist should never have enough money to get fat, you'll find yerself in prison for a Chicago bank heist.     

*Not really an Arab, tis a colourful expression we use, similar to 'What am I a nigger?' when you get left out and don't get offered something but the other people did. Totally not racist, we are just a humorous nation, Jeremy Clarkson being a fine example of our humor.*  

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