Saturday, 19 April 2014

25 Reasons Why Northern Ireland Is The Best Place In The World To Live

Couldn't think of one reason at all since this is a woman hating, ghey bashing, touchy, paranoid as fuck, man-child enabling, primitive, tag-nut on the arse of Britain so here are just a few odd things about Northern Ireland and the behaviour of it's people.    

When the sun comes out so do the young and almost attractive people, you may even see a smile or two as they sit on some grass.

The only other time that people smile is when drunk but that doesn't last too long as the compulsory fight has to take place ..... You lookin at me? you got a problem?

If the sun comes out and the temperature gets above ball freezing you're bound to see some skinny white legs in shorts, flip flops too if yer lucky.

Someone is bound to spoil things with taps aff! There is a reason that Northern Ireland people should  stay covered up. 

If the sun breaks cloud cover for more than 12 seconds then this happens. In a cuntry full of pasty white people do you know how hard it is to get sun block with a decent sun protection factor? ... the answer is very, however there are tons of oils to help you cook and age yer skin.... as if the drinking, smoking and not smiling hasn't aged you enough. 

 This lass is only in her 20's.

When the sun comes out you'll see all the middle aged and older men in their convertibles. I wondered why they bought those rather than a solid roof that kept out the cold and the rain, just so their thinning hair can blow in the breeze for 25 minutes a year.  No we aren't looking at you, we're shielding our eyes as the sun bounces off yer shiny domes.

When the sun comes out, drivers go crazy .... it's a lovely sunny day, what cars? I see no other cars.

On the flip side, if it snows half an inch the whole cuntry goes into lockown and panics.... Armageddon!!!!  

Builders who have done fuck all throughout the rest of the year decide to do all the building during the winter.
We're going to replace yer heating system and double glaze yer windows, after they dismantle everything they have to go home because it's too cold to work .... who could have foreseen that? We'll have you fixed by Wednesday ..... they never tell you what Wednesday. 

When the snow or hint of snow happens, those (probably the convertible dudes) all seem to have rugged trucks to get their shopping in with..... how big are their fucking garages to have a vehicle for each season?

The two main conversations yer bound to overhear are people discussing just how incapacitated thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed they had become and what a great hangover they had the next day, oh and of course the weather. There is a very valid reason the Aussies call the British whinging poms.  Wah wah wah, it rained today and wah wah wah it might rain later.

Someone is always watching you, not because of some sexy time attraction but to figure out who and what you are or if you are looking at them. Think of a cuntry full of mouthy Jason Bournes but without the deadly skills.

She misses nothing but if she sees a crime she'll never call the peelers .... because.


The police are nothing more than mall cops. Arm yerself for fucks sake. Car-jacking is big in the news right now. How shocked the people are that this is happening, yep no one ever taught them to lock their doors when in their cars and it never occurred to them to do so, "blessed be the simple folk for they shall be my food during the Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Jesus.  

If you ever need to put someone in their place here and make them feel the shame for mentioning the myriad of faults Northern Ireland has you will be told, "People in Africa would love it" aye they'd love to have someone talk doon to them and give them poor customer service, who wouldn't love that?
Well give it to them. You do know that those fuckers in Africa can actually tie shoe laces and send you spamming e-mails asking for money from their smart phones, some can mimic being almost human looking at times. They aren't all cutting up albino people for witchcraft purposes.

On the plus side some of Game of Thrones does get filmed here, I can tell you where yer man got his dick cut off and where King Joffrey died from drinking an 'off' pint of beer. Of course it doesn't look like Northern Ireland on screen, haven't seen any paramilitary murals yet.  

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