Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Stroke It

So next week is Stroke Awareness Week, get aware and stroke yerself silly cos.....

The week after that is Stroke Prevention Week, ugh...

Dear Mr Knudsen

I am writing concerning your insensitive remarks regarding strokes. My beloved father passed away last year after suffering a stroke and my mother is currently in hospital re-learning how to speak after a nasty stroke.

A stroke is a very scary and stressful event, worse if you lose a family member to one. Not a moment goes by when I don't think about my father and the birdhouse we made together when I was a child or the amazing fort he made for my toy soldiers out of cereal boxes and hobo skin. 

My mother is what has kept my family together and insensitive remarks from online trolls such as you do not help. 


Angry in London. 

Dear Angry in London, what are you trying to say? my critical thinking is very poor cos of the Sinestro I'm taking for my depression. Is it that I'm sorta like a father figure to you? ach I'm touched but it looks like yer a bit of a jinx so stop e-mailing me.

Have this lassie's boobs uncovered, "Ramming speed" Hope you have a stroke of good luck.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Dead Popes = Miracles

Kill them all and let Gog sort out her own. 

 If John Paul got yer ring it would be kept a secret from the world... his precious.  
The Vatican decided that Popes John XXIII and John Paul II are to be saints, which is like Batman but with super powers, except dead. Funny that you can't do miracles until yer dead huh.

Can Old Knudsen be allowed to call bullshit? Why yes he can. Allegedly curing weemen who are confirmed Catholic gog bothers of some illnesses are not miracles.... Wha??? but it was in the news and the doctors said ...... well ya know where I don't go if I have a brain aneurysm? Costa fucking Rica and the Antrim hospital, that's where. 

If yer Costa Rican doctors suggest that you go to Mexico for treatment then they are just having a laugh. Ok here are yer options, go to either Mexico or Cuba for treatment or I can just give you some aspirin and send you home, I've no idea how long you have left, you'll have to ask a doctor or the gurl at reception. 

 Sister Cristina Scuccia singing Papa don't preach on The Voice .... Italy.

As for curing a nun of Parkinson's disease, nuns are notorious liars and fakers, ask any nun... er one. 

How many times do we have to see the pictures of yon woman who burned her hand, then prayed and she posted a pic of her healed hand all better?  wow, I wonder how she did that.  
Here is a picture of Old Knudsen with a black eye after that misunderstanding at the library about taking books to use in his budgie's cage..... Stephen King is the best for this.  

After praying to Gog for 5 minutes solid his black eye has gone.

A miracle you may say, or perhaps merely the miracle of truth manipulation, a subject Old Knudsen has studied at great length. 
So the Vatican which needs 2 miracles per Pope has given John XXIII, sainthood for curing Sister Caterina Capitani of an alleged cancerous tumor in her stomach in 2000. 

John XXIII only needed one miracle since he was the spitting double of Telly Savalas which in the Catholic church is a sign from God. 

Then it gives Pope John Paul II the credit for curing Sister Marie Simon-Pierre of alleged Parkinson's disease in 2005 and curing Floribeth Mora Diaz from an alleged brain aneurysm in 2011. 

I say alleged because it could have just all been misdiagnosed cases of the clap, you know what doctors are like. Who wants Catholicism to be holy and mysterious any more than yon Stockholm syndrome bints who like to be told their place as either a virgin, mother or hoor?  Never just as people.
"If I wanted yer opinion on which birth control you should use I'd ask bitch" ~ Pope John Paul II

Heal a Muslim or Atheist, that would be a real miracle not some brainwashed placebo miracle ........ what about someone with visible ailments like this Jehovah's Witness who wouldn't get treatment because his mum didn't believe in it. Where are you John Paul, yer our only hope cos medical science is the Devil's work. 
Aye religion is great, they say every sperm is sacred but I bet even as popes they still wiped off on the curtains. 

One of Pope John XXIII's lesser known miracles was when he got lost, rather than asking for directions he prayed to Gog before he preyed on the young...... who loves ya baby? 

You cynics might say that these men are getting their saint on because they helped to install Vatican 2 which was to bring the Catholic church more into the modern day with less Latin, total condemnation of all other faiths and the famous stick together when sticking it to the boys ideas. Four of those involved in Vat II became Popes, including the Ratzinger who was a Nazi during World War II .... well he fucking well was, had the wee mustache and everything.

Right place and the right connections huh boys?

Holy shit!

John Paul II would have had 3 miracles. One time when he was staying at a friend's house he was accused of pooing on the toilet seat and bunging up the bog like an Irishman, being a proud Pollack/pollock .... from Poland, he denied doing it saying that it can't be his as his stuff don't stink and thus he was visited by the holy ghost as no one else was in the house.

In the real world many companies or banks give their CEO's and other managers large bonus' never minding if they had to lay of hundreds of workers or have lost profits.

The cold steel look that has bent many a young boy's will ..... allegedly.

The Catholic church may behave like a business though it is actually a cult and with being in the business of  the cult of personality, you may get the big pay offs like being protected from prosecution or being made bishop or pope with yer every need catered to. You don't even have to do yer job well you'll  become immortalized and worshiped after death, the church will of course own all the money made from yer image and that is yer big bonus. 

Now as for the Catholic bishops who are putting pressure onto Northern Ireland politicians to vote against ghey marriage here, why don't you want equality you elitist cunts?  Cardinal Sean Brady who was famous for silencing victims of pedo priests was the note taker for these bishops...  good man, a future pope maybe?

In the letter they cited Pope Francis' view that the only suitable environment for children is having a mother and father.  They seem to think it's the best and ideal place for children, and they would know.

Last year the vote  was rejected by 53 votes to 42. Lets see if Old Knudsen's nagging has paid off.

Sunday, 27 April 2014


Long road to ruin ~ Foo Fighters.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Ulster Is So Ghey

At a round'a'bout in Newtownabbey there is a big white pointy phalis pointing to the sky. I have always marveled at Northern Ireland's subconscious phallobilia but now it cannot be ignored. 

For the bicycle race, Giro D'Italia, things are being painted pink in it's honour. Why do I have to be painted pink ...... because yer a faggot ~ Reservoir Dags.

So the big white penis substitute will now be pink. Oh and it's slightly tilted, a bit like Bill Clinton's cock.    
I would say that the men of Northern Ireland are so confident in their sexuality that they are able to do this .... except for how they treat weemen and gheys, and also how they want to ride their mammys and live with them forever.

Old Knudsen's Ma is premo BTW. 

Nope, the men of Ulster are so firmly in the closet that their nearest shops are in Narnia.  They'll deny it of course, that's one of the telltale signs.  Soon they'll be making giant bonfires, bigger than yers in order to prove their manhood to each other.  

Ach it's all so angry and ghey.

Kim Jong-un Shaves Head For Charity

Tensions are growing between North Korea and a London hair dresser M&M Hair Academy over a mocking poster of their supreme leader that appeared in their window. 

It seems that the North Korean Embassy is only 2 minutes away and this insult was noticed. Little men with slitty eyes demanded that the manager Mo Nabbach remove the disrespectful poster. They were told that this was England not North Korean init so sling yer ook ..... they speak funny doon there.

Despite support for Kim Jong un from many of the Hollywood elite such as Brad Pitt, Ragnar Lothbrok, Jennifer Lawrence and Danny DeVito, the hair salon remains defiant.

After a round of tough sanctions against M&M Hair Academy a news report from Pyongyang saying that London might be destroyed by the greatness of North Korea was not released as Kim was too busy in his WOARRR room.

In North Korea the people are only allowed state sanctioned hair cuts with 18 styles of weemen and 10 for men. It is thought that Kim wants thousands of his people to have the same hair cut in order to confuse would be assassinations from the West as they all look alike ....

Of course this is not very well thought through as Kim, who was the fat kid at school is now the only fat person in his cuntry.    
The Ministry of State Security are watching the hair dressing shop with faces of impotent rage hoping that someday that the manager Mo Nabbach will have a brain fart and wish to vacation in North Korea at some time in the future.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Golfing Gangstas

After a hate crime in East Belfast in which 3 people were attacked by a group of 15 armed with golf clubs there has been a call to clamp doon on the lack of restrictions in owning golf clubs.

The current law in the UK says that anyone, even under 18's can walk in off the street and purchase a putter or a driver without having to show any identification . No background checks either which means that any criminal or politician can and often do buy whole sets of clubs.

I call on the government to change the law on golf clubs, also the laws on owning hammers as they have often been used in violent crimes too . We need background checks and registration with these dangerous weapons.

Maybe some form for facial branding for golfers, rapists and pedos. In Northern Ireland you can't carry a penknife in yer pocket but a golf club is fine?

We need to put an end to these golfing gangs, what's next angry lawn bowlers?   

Christians Do Love To Brag

David Cameron the fat headed baby man looks like MODOK.

David Cameron the Prime Minister of the UK said that Britain is a Christian nation and should be confident in showing it. 
Cameron is going by the 2011 census that has 59% of people from England and Wales describing themselves as Christian.... worried for yer children yet? 

So Cameron is not only excluding and belittling those of other or no religion but those in Scotland and Northern Ireland too, what, don't our figures count? 

50 people who think they have some clout including authors, journalists and TV presenters .... oh and a philosopher whatever the fuck that is signed an open letter in the Daily Telegraph stating that Britain is too diverse to be called Christian and even if it was it wasn't cool to be going around saying it like a fat headed baby man. 

Citing a YouGov poll, human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell said that 65% of people questioned described themselves as "not religious", while 29% were from various faiths. 

Considering there was a drop in 4 million from the 2001 census saying they were Christian, Old Knudsen doesn't believe 59%, even if it were true you might just as well call them cunts as real Christians who follow the teachings of Christ rather than just wear a cross and looking doon on people are few and far between.     

Fuck off Cameron, yer views are elitist and out of date. Yes the UK does have the church of England as it's state sanctioned religion but that is so Henry VIII. Live up to the alleged values of Christianity instead of lying and scheming yer way around the world. 
 David Cameron at the U.N.

Being Christian, being white and being English doesn't make you better than everyone else and you don't have to assert it or push it in anyone's face like a tiny flaccid penis, if you were a real Christian people would know it by yer acts and how you live.  

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Looking Good For The Nieghbours

No postcode envy. 

Due to the recession and the inability of people in town councils to accept the change that the 21st century brings, town centres are becoming boarded up, empty eyesores. You'd think that to encourage retail to the area the councils would think of things like lowering the excessive rent and rates they charge and maybe provide free nearby parking but no, you don't get a council job by qualifications and experience, people vote instead ..... weird, and they expect things to go well?    

Fake shop front in England.

What can we do? Councils think that putting stickers or painted panels over the rotting boards and peeling paint it will cheer things up. The old bat in the picture doesn't look very cheerful. 

When the world leaders of the G-8 came to Northern Ireland the councils didn't want their towns to look like run doon shit holes because people would actually be going there for once. Quick, put up stickers so Obama won't notice as he speeds through in his armoured car named 'The beast.'  Um Obama has a helicopter thanks to little things like terrorism, he only glimpsed the new road that was hastily built over the ancient Crannog site. Fuck archeology, dig it and get out Obama is coming.... you've made amazing discoveries? what don't you understand about getting out?   

The town centre is dead, let it go. People want choice, better prices and not having to go to 3 different shops in the rain to get what they want. The Interweb means you can shop and price match from home. The large chain stores maybe ugly and soulless (like yon ginger child) but they have all yer needs under one roof. 
Supporting local businesses? if those businesses try to gouge me on price and carry fuck all then no. Find someone else to put yer kid through college. In the US the tax from sales actually goes to the areas, our tax goes to David Cameron's fat Christian baby man head.  

What to do with the empty shops? Many were homes originally, instead of spending £200.000 on stickers, spend a third of that making them homes again, there is a housing shortage ya know.   

So sorry about yer childhood memories of running to Bobby Spooner's shop for a penny mix of candy but no one cares nor do they want yer smartphone-less childhood replicated for them. 

£8 million has been spent on these fake shop fronts, the world is turning into an open world video game in which you can't enter most of the buildings. 

 Local artists are far less expensive, here is our version of Banksy. 

Now councils fear the intrusion of more outsiders, we can't just burn them like in the old days (1970's) and we can't threaten them (last week) so it looks like another million or 8 will be spent covering up our shame, incompetence and apathy. 

The bicycle race  Giro D'Italia will be held here this year so derelict buildings along the route will be hidden with these ultra realistic covers. 
The race is such a big deal that a British racer who won 5 stages of the race last year won't be taking part as he wants to get ready for the Tour de France instead.

It's understandable, if you had to chose to pedal yer bike in Belfast or in places like Turkey, Callyfornia and Switzerland instead, what would you pick? 

So Northern Ireland rushes to cover it's rotting underbelly with sticking plasters in case the world sees. Would it not be better to knock that shite doon, we need parking space, not drinking dens.


Monday, 21 April 2014

Lions Eat English Family At Safari Park

At Longleat Safari Park in England, a mother and her two children were driving through the lion's enclosure when their car when on fire. As the three ran towards the rangers who were 100 yards away the pride of lions chased and ripped all three of them apart.

Well the bit about them being ripped apart may be a little bit of an exaggeration, it was close, the lions looked in their direction from a distance and yawned.

The Rangers told them to stay in the burning car until they got to them, away an fuck Old Knudsen would say, do I look like Paul Walker?

  Is that cunt mocking me?  ..... Paul Walker (changed his name from Driver) was hot!   

Then Old Knudsen would grab the little penknife attached to his keys and go hunt him some lion.

The mother, Helen Clements later joked that of all the places it had to happen, it happened in the lion enclosure. 
In the big world it's called Murphy's law, in the UK it sometimes goes by the name Sod's law cos we don't want to offend the Irish you see. 
The English love the Irish, in WWI they gave the Irish regiments the honour of going first, probably to give them the best chance of becoming heroes and cos the Irish are always drunk you don't want to be tripping over the bodies of the previous lot....  404 Royal Irish Cannon fodder regiment, lest we forget.    

If anything can go wrong then it will. 

Sod's law happens all the time, it's fate's way of mocking you. The God's get bored like anyone else. If you dream about the lovely steak at a restaurant and then you go to find out their delivery didn't have steak on it so you have to eat something you weren't in the mood for cos the place is out of the way ...  YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB! 

If you work in a shop, as soon as you try to clean the floor people will come in. 

If yer waiting on a bus that's late and you light a cigarette the bus will cum.  

If yer cock falls out of yer troosers it's bound to happen when you pass a school at getting out time, well that's what I told the judge and I still stand by it. 

That time when yer parts are manky cos you've been molesting sheep all week, some hot chick will want to blow you.... Fuck my life! 

It then goes into the world of science. A cat will 99.9 times land on it's feet if you kick it across the room or drop it from a great height. You can try this for yerself though the great height one may kill them, look first where it's feet are before you shovel it up. 

A piece of buttered toast if fallen will not land on the cat's feet but will more likely land on the buttered side. If you own pets it will also land on a clump of animal hair. 

So if you attach a piece of buttered toast to yer cat and drop it from a great height the chances are that you may have too much time on yer hands and are not responsible enough to own pets. Please do not breed. 

As if Old Knudsen doesn't get enough thrown at him from upstairs windows but who doesn't like getting pussy thrown at them? ....  well gheys maybe but they are just so ghey.

 Real men and obvious pussy lovers.

We are not meant to understand why shit happens ..... it's magic. Like the expression "Speak of the Devil, and he will appear." is based on the magical ability to summon spirits. You have to know the true name which is why the Devil (what devil, dirt devil?) has so many nick-names .... like um, Old Nick. 
Nothing to do with Old Nick or Mr Scratch but still, it's a good story if you fall for it. 

Native weemen of Africa and southern Ireland will call to their children to cum in for dinner or something by using nicknames in case any spirits hear their real name. 

Aye it's Sod's law that if you say, "I haven't seen Cuntface recently" that Cuntface will turn up the next day ..... and that shit is magical.  

And no Alanis Morissette it isn't ironic, yer face is ironic!  

"Magic's just science that we don't understand yet." ~ Arthur C Clarke

"Magic's just science that we don't understand yet and never will if we get eaten by lions" ~ Old Knudsen. 

Sunday, 20 April 2014

Like Bunnies I Tells Ya

While you tell the kids that Easter is about Jesus and how if they don't do as you tell them with yer wee secrets they'll burn in Hell ... Old Knudsen is here to remind you that yer wrong.

Leave the kids alone you religious fucks and have some adult time, what is it with the followers of yon God that makes you do shit to kids, oppress weemen and bash gheys?

Islam, Judaism and Christianity have made it their business to keep the woman doon, maybe diddling the kids is a part of that.

Turn ye away from yer sinful life and return to the old ways of nature. You may live in a concrete box but nature is within and all around you, embrace it ya fuck wad.   

Eat an apple if you want, ain't no one gonna say that an apple or that piece of cheesecake will cause you to damn all of humanity.

What kind of freaky control shit do they have going on .... worse than the Scientologists.

I don't understand all that you've been sinned, no wait someone got tortured for yer sins, ach it all sounds fucked up.

It's Easter, a time of fertility and re-birth so get together with some like minded adults and get some sex magic going on. Fuck for a brighter future.

Don't listen to the false prophets and two faced shites, they'll get theirs.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

25 Reasons Why Northern Ireland Is The Best Place In The World To Live

Couldn't think of one reason at all since this is a woman hating, ghey bashing, touchy, paranoid as fuck, man-child enabling, primitive, tag-nut on the arse of Britain so here are just a few odd things about Northern Ireland and the behaviour of it's people.    

When the sun comes out so do the young and almost attractive people, you may even see a smile or two as they sit on some grass.

The only other time that people smile is when drunk but that doesn't last too long as the compulsory fight has to take place ..... You lookin at me? you got a problem?

If the sun comes out and the temperature gets above ball freezing you're bound to see some skinny white legs in shorts, flip flops too if yer lucky.

Someone is bound to spoil things with taps aff! There is a reason that Northern Ireland people should  stay covered up. 

If the sun breaks cloud cover for more than 12 seconds then this happens. In a cuntry full of pasty white people do you know how hard it is to get sun block with a decent sun protection factor? ... the answer is very, however there are tons of oils to help you cook and age yer skin.... as if the drinking, smoking and not smiling hasn't aged you enough. 

 This lass is only in her 20's.

When the sun comes out you'll see all the middle aged and older men in their convertibles. I wondered why they bought those rather than a solid roof that kept out the cold and the rain, just so their thinning hair can blow in the breeze for 25 minutes a year.  No we aren't looking at you, we're shielding our eyes as the sun bounces off yer shiny domes.

When the sun comes out, drivers go crazy .... it's a lovely sunny day, what cars? I see no other cars.

On the flip side, if it snows half an inch the whole cuntry goes into lockown and panics.... Armageddon!!!!  

Builders who have done fuck all throughout the rest of the year decide to do all the building during the winter.
We're going to replace yer heating system and double glaze yer windows, after they dismantle everything they have to go home because it's too cold to work .... who could have foreseen that? We'll have you fixed by Wednesday ..... they never tell you what Wednesday. 

When the snow or hint of snow happens, those (probably the convertible dudes) all seem to have rugged trucks to get their shopping in with..... how big are their fucking garages to have a vehicle for each season?

The two main conversations yer bound to overhear are people discussing just how incapacitated thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed they had become and what a great hangover they had the next day, oh and of course the weather. There is a very valid reason the Aussies call the British whinging poms.  Wah wah wah, it rained today and wah wah wah it might rain later.

Someone is always watching you, not because of some sexy time attraction but to figure out who and what you are or if you are looking at them. Think of a cuntry full of mouthy Jason Bournes but without the deadly skills.

She misses nothing but if she sees a crime she'll never call the peelers .... because.


The police are nothing more than mall cops. Arm yerself for fucks sake. Car-jacking is big in the news right now. How shocked the people are that this is happening, yep no one ever taught them to lock their doors when in their cars and it never occurred to them to do so, "blessed be the simple folk for they shall be my food during the Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Jesus.  

If you ever need to put someone in their place here and make them feel the shame for mentioning the myriad of faults Northern Ireland has you will be told, "People in Africa would love it" aye they'd love to have someone talk doon to them and give them poor customer service, who wouldn't love that?
Well give it to them. You do know that those fuckers in Africa can actually tie shoe laces and send you spamming e-mails asking for money from their smart phones, some can mimic being almost human looking at times. They aren't all cutting up albino people for witchcraft purposes.

On the plus side some of Game of Thrones does get filmed here, I can tell you where yer man got his dick cut off and where King Joffrey died from drinking an 'off' pint of beer. Of course it doesn't look like Northern Ireland on screen, haven't seen any paramilitary murals yet.