Tuesday, 18 March 2014

No Ah Way Dude.

Have you seen the trailer for the new Russell Crowe movie Noah? It looks great doesn't it? Turning the fable of Noah into an action movie ..... fucking class, get me a Bible stat cos I wanna convert.

Noah is a story of someone who either hears voices or imagines something. After drinking a load of wine and lying naked in his tent he imagines that an invisible creature of great power intends to flood the world to punish people for behaving like people.
Of course it isn't really the whole world as the sand savages in the middle east didn't have a clue what was beyond the shire.

Don't worry Noah, for yer reward yer sons will turn ghey.

Noah built the ark and kept the door open for anyone that wanted to join his crew. No one wanted to surprisingly enough so only Noah, his wife, three sons and their wives ended up going, that's 8 people. The door was shut on the last day when the rains came and lo, the waters rose 2 feet and Noah said, "Crikey that's a bit embarrassing."

Many rushed the ark at the last moment so Noah and his sons had to open fire with the .50 cal machine guns given to them by the lord.

DIE! you sinful fucks.

How did Noah fit from 2 to 50 million animals onto the ark? Well, if you read the IKEA brochure you'll see that their furniture was inspired by the shelving systems found on Noah's ark.

40 days and 40 nights, can you rabbits keep it zipped for that long?

Noah was told to bring 7 pairs of some animals for eating or for sacrifice cos God was a god of blood and death..... and was very insecure if he demanded a show of faith from those he deemed to be uber faithful. 
None of the dinosaurs made it off the ark cos they were just too darned fucking tasty. It's kinda lucky that Noah's sons had married a black a nip and a cracker so all the human races would be preserved. 

Not to spoil the movie but just when you think that Tubal-cain is dead, he and his henchmen turn up and take the ark. All the sons are beaten and tied up and the weemen are threatened with rape. 

Only Noah is free to retake his boat. A message from god tells him to hold off on trying to free them all as 'we need the extra DNA' and well Noah liked to watch . All the cabins had peepholes. So on the 39th day Noah attacks with doves laden with explosives and and Lions hungry for flesh. Noah uses his Krav Maga on the evil Tubal-cain in what is one class fight scene in the rain ... like the end of Lethal weapon-ish. 

Crowe was great in the Man of steel movie in which he played the holy ghost but that film didn't inspire me to religion despise it's heavy handed overtones. This film with it's dramatic fight scenes and explosions now that gets Old Knudsen's attention. 

Does the chick from Harry Potter get them out? If she does then Old Knudsen may return to the church. It's just great that movie makers are targeting all of those who don't go to church, at least now they will know the true account of Christian mythology ..... no wait, Noah had to have been Jewish. AWW no! The fucking Jews run everything, Mel Gibson was right.

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