Friday, 28 February 2014

First Person Groper

Being in semi retirement doesn't mean that Old Knudsen sits around and lets his skills grow dull with wanking to daytime telly. My old hips have taken some punishment over the years, kicking in doors and pumping away at hoors and when me arthritis plays up I feel more mortal than usual. I could still kick yer shite in just remember that.

It isn't the size of the dog in the fight that matters, it's the size of the fight in the dog. Old Knudsen is always angry .... that's his badly kept secret.

Knowing that I could be called into action at anytime to kill a politic rival, hunt doon a warlord or since this is Northern Ireland maybe to burn a witch or break someone's windows for speaking out about something,  Old Knudsen uses the technology of first person shooter video games to keep him battle ready.

The odd time I do get confused, well I am a centenarian a few times over so give me fucking break if I can't remember the names of me various wives, gurlfriends, prison rapes and one night stands. 

While fighting an opponent I may think about tapping R2 instead of using my fist in a rapid nut punch attack. Now that is embarrassing.

In some first person shooter games you have a companion who sometimes follows you and sometimes leads you and maybe does parts of the game just to carry the story along. These video game brained companions can be a little unrealistic or on the other hand too realistic. 

Here are some of the things Old Knudsen screams at the telly when paired up with these pre-programed cunts.  

Aye you just sit there while I clear the room ..... again.

Let me guess I'm going in first and yer not going to give me any cover but may just run in front of me when I start firing. 

C'mon ya fucking pussy you don't see me running from the enemy to take cover behind a colleague, get out there! 

Thanks for the back up you fucking useless cunt! 

I'm not sure which corridor to take and it doesn't help when you say things like 'c'mon we don't have all day' and follow me around not making suggestions. 

Did you see that? well did you? the freeze frame picture has me dead and yer just standing beside the enemy not firing at them.

Old Knudsen does die in these games plenty of times as it isn't very natural twiddling a toggle to run or drive and you can't see around you and still see where you are going. 

Thank fuck that in some games you can blow off steam in a strip club. I'll leave it to yer imagination as to what Old Knudsen shouts at those durty hoors.   

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