Friday, 22 March 2013

You Are What You Eat

Old Knudsen doesn't really like food and food doesn't like him if the bathroom is anything to go by.  You don't know what goes into food these days. I'm no talking about hormones pumped into animals or crops that have been fucked about with to increase yield and corner the market on selling seeds. Nor am I talking about horses passed off as beef or dooner cows used in school dinners.

I'm talking about shit that falls into yer food at the factory. Ever go to a donut shop at 5am and find a dead naked woman amongst the sugar donuts and bearclaws? .... what no? why does this shit always happen to Old Knudsen? 
True story time. A couple of years back, Old Knudsen would have his daily fry up for breakfast. Fried eggs, bacon, pork sausage, beans and toast. When Old Knudsen went on his health kicks he'd exchange the sausage for fried tomatoes. Sometimes the breakfast was so greasy it could be drank instead of chewed, to see a sausage slip doon Old Knudsen's gullet was sexy and amazing according to the Weekly world news tabloid.

I noticed a smell coming from the food prep area and thought a rodent had died under the kitchen cabinet, after a while the smell went away.
When a round of toast got jammed in the toaster I found a mummified mouse body. Ever smell like you've got a mouse stuck in toaster?

I sold that frakking toaster to an unsuspecting fool a while afterwards.

Krod Yotchomrang from Burma was cooking some foot long sausages when she found the kitten inside one of them.
“I was cutting the third sausage when I noticed what looked like a small cat. We almost threw up when we realised we were eating the body of a kitten for dinner.”
Aye like she hasn't eaten worse than cat, away an eat some bugs or Matzo balls ... I don't know what you types eat.  Krod then did what any sane person would do, she kept the body and set up a shrine to it. What is it about cats?
You have yon crazy cat ladies with their 50 kitties, you got the people on Facebook posting cute pictures of the furry wee shites or grumpy ones saying "no" .... so funny when a cat stands on yer computer when yer typing or trying to find the right porn site to abuse yerself to .... fuck off cat!  and now you have a shrine.... yeah yeah yeah, ancient Egyptians worshiped cats but that lot were fucking nuts, though their putting to death of gingers was quite enlightened.

Ginger Tom wants to rub up against yer leg, stick his butt in yer face and have you fuss over him and come and go as he pleases shagging all round him .... he may spray on yer furniture too. 

Krod's cat shrine was so popular in her village that others came to pray to the wee kitten that drown in meat.
Why would you think a kitten that fell into a meat vat and died would be lucky? Some people in the village won on the local lottery so obviously it was the cat right?  I hope Krod was charging for their prayers, what kind of lame ass religion doesn't make money?

You just don't know whats in yer food.
I have also found the odd demi-god in me food. I once found Buddha's finger in a KFC bargain bucket. You'd think that holy bread would taste better than yer usual type .... just to get this straight, eating the body of Christ does not make me a Catholic just like eating yon people in that plane crash doesn't make me a cannibal. No wait, I think the plane thing does.