Thursday, 31 January 2013

Surprise Burger Sex

Rock Of Rages

While walking past an area that was used for rioting the previous night I happened to spy myself a rock of excellent dimensions. 

The right size to cause damage and be propelled at a speedy and extended rate. You just don't see quality like that anymore which goes to show you that pros were behind the trouble.

"Lie still they clocked you pretty good with that rock, you'll need stitches, but hey you should take a look at the fine quality of the rock that hit you before you pass out. Craftsmanship like that means they care."  

Sitting there inside my hand,
Wondering where it is you'll land,
Strike a policeman on the head,
If the peeler ends up dead,
It wasn't me for I am innocent,
Just out from the shaps and ....... can I have me rock back please mate?

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Angry Birds

Why U so angry liddle birdy? I have a crush on you .....

Six Photos That Should Have Never Happened

Being without a septum (probably due to some horrific drug accident) is pretty handy for getting to those hard to reach boogers.

This lad had dedication ..... and ass juice pouring doon his legs. I'm sure no one noticed.

I want to be just like Fabio ..... said no one ever.

It's only fruit loops, you really need to get out more.

Just when you thought you'd never see yer ex again.

Ran out of pumpkins to carve.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Fingers Rock!

You don't appreciate until you pet an angry dog or do a bit of woodworking. Then some day you go to mine for nose gold and you don't have the right caliber of finger.

Cameron Lied ..... Big Shock!

 David Cameron 20th January 2013:

"British troops will 'categorically' not set foot in Mali."

29th January 2013:   200 soldiers will be sent to assist with logistics, surveillance, intelligence and transport alongside the proposed EU mission to train the Malian army.

 "Don't worry blackie, the English will come to save and then the Americans will save them."

Jews Don't Kill

The Sunday Times showed a cartoon with Israeli leader Binyamin Netanyahu building a wall using Palestinians bits and parts, the caption read "Will cementing the peace continue?"

It's a no brainer that if you print this on holocaust memorial day people are going to get pissed. Jews are shrugging and complaining saying it was more like something you'd find in the antisemitic Arab press.

Are ya fucking stupid? .....

Of course the cartoon is totally correct. Does that make me antisemitic if I point out that the Jews have been behaving more like the Nazis towards the Palestinians? They are a vicious fanatical lot, you'll find the moderate Jews outside of Israel but inside .... oy vey!

Alas they are our crazy angry pitbull so we are complicit in their war crimes by association. The British and the Americans set this up, as the the Arabs who left the Palestinians to their fate.

Who was to know that the kicked around Jews would get angry and man up? They are a necessary evil that we need right now. If they were given Germany instead of Israel after the war they would have built up their might and have invaded Israel and who knows what else, they would have become more like that which tried to destroy them.
Look what they do with limited power and back up, they are a fearsome lot, just ask the British soldiers that served there in the late 40's.

Next time Sunday Times, when you feel like posting some bias truth, don't do it on touchy subject day.           


Big Town In The Middle Of A Field Hey

Liam Neeson traveled to his home town of Ballymena yesterday to accept the freedom of the town.... It calls itself the city of the seven towers but it has no towers and isn't a city .... yes it's in the Bible belt and yes they do a lot of drugs.

 What the fuck is wrong with these people?

The mayor of the town who looks like a miserable shite said it was Ballymena's biggest day.

Only the best for Mr Neeson.

The first time Neeson was offered this honour about 10 years or so ago he declined it as living as a Catholic in Ballymena he felt like a second class citizen who had to stay in doors during the 12th July. Those remarks ...... which were true caused out rage with the Ballymena Protestants as they do not like anything bad being said about them ...... even if it's true so tough shite.

Neeson decided to accept the honour now as times have changed. No more sectarian hatred, masked men or petrol bombs.

Aye they do bucket loads of drugs there just like they did 10 years ago, nothing has changed. 

Neeson described Ballymena as Northern Ireland's best kept secret. Now Neeson has put it onto the map .... in Northern Ireland that is, still no one wants to go there.  

Like anyone with half a brain Neeson got the fuck out, he is indeed a freeman.

Monday, 28 January 2013

What Ya Thinkin?

The Italians Did It!

From the man who complained that a school was a training ground for IRA terrorists because they were flying the Irish flag ..... It was really an Italian flag for world language day.

Now comes .... The IRA put horse meat into our beef burgers to kill off British people!

Frazer looks like he enjoys a good burger or two so maybe thats why hes so worried.

In Northern Ireland the distance from mouthpiece to nutjob is a short one.

Potty Mouth

Toilets no longer have to be those things that you nearly make it to, they can be fun as well.

The problem with this one is that it programs you to urinate as soon as you see a mouth with red lipstick.
This one is just creepy but remember, if you feel like yer being watched then I'm probably actually watching you.

Each time you flush you release a fish back to the sea, it makes you feel good as well as relieved ... as long as you don't know the difference between fresh and salt water fish.

If captain Kirk had a shitter this would be it. "Sulu take me to ughhh! :::splash::: warp factor 5."

One of the classics is a bottle, who doesn't have a bottle beside their chair?

Plenty of snow around right now, if you get caught short outside you can make a toilet to go in. That dark yellow snow says that you need to hydrate.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Wank With The Lord

Masturbation is a completely natural thing to do, a God given gift if you will. If you don't do it then thats like having a race horse and only using it to pull yer turnip cart. If you don't use it you lose it, soon that horse wouldn't  be able to race any more and would be only fit for burgers.

Every morning Old Knudsen wakes up and sees that God truly loves him by bestowing a big fuck off hard throbbing gift to him.
If Old Knudsen is not alone in his bed/wanking chariot then its the other person/animal/sex doll that God is blessing that day.  
Men and weemen touch themselves while thinking about Old Knudsen on a regular basis. I can feel the tremor in the force so don't lie.

It's ok, especially if you look hot while yer doing it.

If not then it's the thought that counts.

Crack open a cold one then crack open yerself. 

But most of all, just have fun and don't let yer ma catch you.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Hitler Loved Children

Try as he did to look like a normal man of the people, Hitler could only manage to look creepy and ridiculous.
Another friend of the German people David Hasslehoff can not manage to appear like a real human either and gives off an angry lecherous vibe.  

Happy Holocaust Memorial Day!

Just thinking about people taking offense ..... some folk will take offense at anything. Put a historical picture up of a famous leader of Germany and they go nuts, even if they aren't German.

It's holocaust memorial day Sunday 27th January. On Friday in a minor town outside of Belfast they had a holocaust memorial event which screened the movie 'Downfall' no not the funny ones you find on Youtube about Hitler playing Mass Effect 3 but the crappy all in German one.

I bet that fucked the people of Northern Ireland up having to um .... read.

So for the Holocaust memorial day they show a Hitler movie. Ach they must have gotten some kind of idiot funding for it. On Remembrance Sunday I bet they'd screen war movies for the veterans. 

We have dicks here that put up Israeli flags in support of ........ well not really in support of anything. The average sectarian mong no doubt thinks that because the Orange Order claims to be founded by the lost tribe of Israel then the Jews must hate Catholics too.

Don't tell that to the average joe in the street as they think the Jews are in control of everything. The Jews probably set up the Holocaust just to make Hitler look bad.... oh and Jesus was a white, blue eyed Protestant!

They also blame the police here for giving the people no choice but to riot. In fact they scream police brutality when the police officer doesn't say please and it's the police who block the roads, not us throwing bricks and petrol bombs.  The people of Northern Ireland really are fucking thick and the others pretend nothing is wrong and would rather no talk about it .... because it's offensive and so are you for pointing out the problem... blah blah blah, not listening, can't hear you.   

If I worried about offending people I'd not have a thing to say. I suffer from a medical condition called chronic boredom which means that I need to offend people .... getting them angry is the only way to see if some of them are even alive or is posting on Facebook what they are having for dinner the height of their passion? ... I'm doing the cunts a favour.

I should be used to the fact that some people don't have opinions and can't form them. When they get offended it's merely a programmed response, monkey see monkey do.

Should we react how society or a religion tells us how to react or should we think for ourselves?  The sheeple take offense when others form an opinion that they can't comprehend ..... that kind of stupidity offends Old Knudsen but it's like hating a dog for not being able to talk, I should be more forgiving .... um why? 

Unless these people have earned Old Knudsen's respect then he doesn't give a fuck if they feel offended or not.... as easy as that.
Say yer offended, say yer angry by all means .... I likes a good laugh at people. 


Silicone And Sexy

Dollpark a German company that makes silicone soul mates has becum my # 1 best friend. I'm no surprised you'd find a company like this in Germany, a bunch of sad fuckers .... saying that I've put in an order of my own.

As you can see the dolls are exactly like weemen. Right doon to the inside seam and dull lifeless eyes.

You probably couldn't tell but this is a real woman ..... aye like any of my readers have seen a real woman. 
Old Knudsen does like Brunettes but this time he has ordered a blonde bombshell.

 At around 6.499, $8,651 or  £5,456 Old Knudsen has had to dip into his beer and crack fund. 

For those with less money you can have Mia. 2.898 ....... in fact if you don't mind a bit of scrubbing Old Knudsen will do you a deal on his Mia. Her 3 three love orifices may be a bit battered but it does the job. 

I loved this part of the sales pitch:
"Yes, something is missing, Mia has only rudimentary arms and legs. But who needs them? Mia
already has everything that really matters!"

No waiting for wounds to heal up a silicone lover will never try to escape or call the police.

You can buy bits too. Tits, ass, feet or even just a vadge for yer key chain.

Don't go thinking it's creepy or anything, think of it as comfort for the lonely or those who are fed up with constant nagging.
I just want to shoot my load not talk about curtains, American fucking idol or my feelings. Old Knudsen can still have sex with a head ache so whats yer fucking problem? .... as usual I'll just assume you came.... I came... Ka-Chow! Time for tea.     

Friday, 25 January 2013

Bringing Sexy Back To Combat

So yer sitting in a muddy ditch for 3 days, mosquitoes biting at you but you can't move or you'll give away yer position.
The jungle humidity and heat is getting to you but you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. Every move you make is slow and deliberate, yer diaper is almost full but you have to sit under the foliage waiting for the shot to present itself then suddenly a high pitched voice to the left breaks the jungle silence, "what are you thinking?"   

Hey Taliban, American weemen will fuck you up, first they'll mock your obviously small willies and then play mind tricks ... does my ass look big? wot you doing looking at my ass fool? ...  then they'll force feed you bacon and blow yer fucking head off ... Ka - Chow!

Friday Clueless

Rumours that actor Steve Buscemi is actually a lemur agent seeking the destruction of mankind were proven to be false.
His eyes are actually the result of an Italian father and an Irish mother, noses also run in his family.

Buscemi who is known for such movies as Fargo and one flew over the cuckoos nest has recently become a spokesperson for the agricultural group Monsanto and will be touring Asia to sell corn syrup to developing nations. 

Well Old Knudsen is embarrassed, he was sure that Buscemi was a lem-tool . 

Using my gen 3 night scope last night I saw some odd goings on involving a Tesco van and a horse owned by the gypsy family across the road. I guess I'll never know what thats about.

Oh speaking of Tesco I'd better get doon there and get some more burgers ..... what?   

Space Sluts From Mars

At a Conference in Washington D.C.  leading women from NASA and other space-related technology giants gathered to discuss the need for weemen on the first manned space flight to Mars.

Not just for cooking and cleaning, these weemen think that having a woman on board would be an enormous milestone for humanity, and rightly so. Mankind needs to taken weemenkind on the ride into the future. 

NASA plans to have manned space flights to Mars by 2030 and a Mars base within 5 years of the first touch down. Remote controlled rockets will send important equipment to the Martian surface to cut down on time.

The male astronauts of the worldwide astoman club support the idea of having a token woman.

Living in space for  months can be physically strenuous, dangerous, isolating, itchy, claustrophobic, and psychologically stressful. A round trip to Mars would take a year and a half.

The main point that all the male astronauts agree with is that any female astronaut going to Mars should be easy on the eye . "Homely women make great astronauts but do you really want to see their plain faces as a representative of the female species? " said Ted Brenner a 4 time earth orbit veteran. "If we had to crash land on a planet and populate it with humans you'd at least want your Eve to worth it."

Major Jack Chapman of the USAF said,"Women on long haul space flights need to be trained in not only the scientific side such as cooking and cleaning but must also look good in high heels and make the effort with makeup. Most male astronauts are happy with boy, boy, girl but studies have shown that 3 guys to one gal causes trouble in the dynamics of the relationships."

Weemen  do indeed have a valuable role in NASA's space program, we are indeed the equality based society that Gene Roddenberry dreamed about for his Star Trek.