Friday, 30 November 2012

Scottish Pride

For 10 thousand years my people have been slaves to the Sassenach , Its time we finished off our drink, and fashion the bottles into the weapons of freedom. You can take our weemen, but you will never take our freedom!

Best Political Bitch Slap Of The Week

Northern Ireland's DUP Finance Minister Sammy Wilson

“I have to say that the Member's grasp of economics is as good as his grasp of changes in the climate, we all know why there is only one of him in the House when we hear a question like that."

“If he went and did a wee bit of economics first, he would not ask such stupid questions.”

Smug smug lets put down a someone who asks the great Sammy Wilson a question. heh heh, he said member's grasp. 

 Green Party leader Steven Agnew

“Well,you taught me.”

DUP Finance Minister Sammy Wilson

“He did not learn it from me!”

Not so smug now and what a crap come back. I like it when he goes all red faced and his jowls start to wobble. 

Steven Agnew attended Grosvenor High School 1991 - 1997 where Sammy Wilson taught economics. Agnew got an 'A' in his A-level course ..... well done you smart cunt. 

The winner, Green Party leader Steven Agnew

“I attended a revision course taught by Sammy. He was a good teacher. He should have stuck at it.”   

New York Took A Break From Murder

On Monday just past was a totally bloodshed free for New York city. No violent crime whats so ever, no shootings, stabbings or savage beatings ........ that were reported that is. 24 hours of peaceful love and contentment.

Well not really but its bad when the lack of violent crimes for a 24 hour period is something to boast about. You'd think that in a city of only 8 million people you'd have a friendly neighbour vibe going on with everyone knowing each other's names.

It's getting that way, killings are doon 23% from last year, the lowest in 50 years. 366 murders so far this year in New York City, compared with 472 at this time last year.

Has NYC gone ghey? c'mon Yanks, pull yer fucken finger out. Don't you all have guns? First a ceasefire in the Holy lands and now this. Since the state of New York has about 9.1% of the population as Jewish  .....  see?  the Jews do run everything. Enough already now go murder someone, its unnatural all this lack of killing.


Tip Of The Day

Lemon sharks taste terrible if you wring them out over yer drink for a twist of lemon.

My Wife Has A bigger Cock Than I Have

A husband has spoken of his shock after finding out that his wife of 19 years was born a boy.

The 64-year-old Belgian named Jan said he had no clue. When he first met Monica she was very beautiful and feminine but now it all makes sense as she was no good at ironing and cleaning, two of the things that all weemen enjoy doing.

It was when a cousin of the wife let the secret of the sex change slip did Jan have any issue with his marriage. " I was horrified. I feel like have been violated for almost 20 years."

Some people are just sooo picky. I suppose having a clean house and straight lines doon his troosers were very important to poor Jan.
I'd say that because Jan, already had a gurl's name, shagging a bloke for 19 years makes him doubly ghey. Not that there is anything wrong with that but haha!

My new thai girlfriend said, “A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship” I still wish she didn't have one.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Bradley, Man Up

Hearing some folk saying to free Bradley Manning. Nine months in prison is enough punishment they say.
Heres the news. Bradley lad, yer a traitor. You downloaded and passed on secret information .  As a private you shouldn't have had access to such files but you got it and used it.

You haven't paid for yer crime. Since the death penalty isn't going to be sought you then need life imprisonment.
The army is full of disgruntled employees but no traitors, you let everyone you served with and for down.

You ain't no hero. 

God Hates Children

Don't bullshit the kids, tell them they'll be losers like everyone else. Then again miracles do sometimes happen.

"When I grow up I want to be in charge of my own death camp. I want to call the shots ... being shot."

Close enough. You became God's voice on earth. Not content with destroying the lives of thousands of children you have now started to destroy the nice shit about Christmas.  Gods a bit of a cunt isn't he?  

You stoopid children! You're getting all the historical facts about this made up story wrong. You can't take all this Bible shit literally .... well depends what it is. 

I don't like fags, unless they work for me and I don't like people that don't know their place and who don't keep their mouths shut.

Hello kiddies, I'm the Pope, who wants to be blessed first?

Why do they run?  ...... oh I think I know why.

Proper Gander # 9

Someday the weemen of the world will get together in the comment section of one of them der mommy blogs and organise revolution. The wives of every important world leader will refuse to give BJs or to look the other way when they meet their gurl friends or they will nag them into submission and will have them sign over power to them.
I believe in you weemen, for many of you are better than men, take the power that weemen once held in ancient times  ... until then go put the kettle on love I'm dying for a brew.  

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

BBC News Doesn't Do News

Northern Ireland health minister Edwin Poots is quietly working away using tax payer's money to try and shut down the Marie Stopes clinic because he doesn't believe in abortion.

The ultra religious health minister wants to keep Northern Ireland out of step with the rest of the UK and stuck in the dark ages .... run by his kind of creationist Protestant.

Funny that Old Knudsen just did a BBC news survey and mentioned the lack of coverage of such stories as this and low and behold Mr Poots and his stealthy actions are not mentioned at all.   

Savita Fights On


The husband of Savita Halappanavar is determined to go ahead with a case in the European courts if the Irish government does not agree to a public inquiry.

Praveen Halappanavar said he does not relish such a battle but will do what he must.

“All Savita's family want is the truth. It is unfair to force me to do this but the fight will continue. We will go to Europe if we must,”

Pregnant Savita died of blood poisoning after being refused an abortion in a Galway hospital even though the baby would not have survived under any conditions.

Praveen wants to change the backwards abortion laws of Ireland that are based on the Catholic church rather than the health of the patient so no other weemen have to suffer and die as his wife did. The hospital have tried to cover their tracks by not including the requests for a termination in the care notes. Cups of tea and blankets were included.

Old Bitter Balls  fully supports Mr Halappanavar and is sorry that he has to do this.

Two And A Half Men Is Smegma

Hi I'm Angus T Jones from Two and a half men, if you watch Two and a half men please stop. Go do some vague research into the harm that television does to the brain then you'll have to decide.

After reading in the Bible that television is evil I've decide to take my 9 years of big bucks from Two and a half men and maybe buy a marijuana farm or uh join a cult or something.

Two and a half men on CBS is filth, it says in the Bible that Two and a half men shall rise and all shall follow but then be broken, out of its ashes it shall be reborn but will never be as good cos Asshole Kootcher is a twat.... yeah, uh Larry I'm sure it says that :::: Larry nods:::::

Look what it did to uncle Charlie, the guy is fucking nuts. I'm 19 and my penis is sinful, after catching herpes from my three way with uncle Charlie and his then wife Denise I saw a doctor, then I saw the light.

Its filth and all hoors must die!!!

The Pope Fucked Elmo

In the latest turn of events with the Elmo scandal, Pope Benedict XVI has been accused of  sexually assaulting Elmo when he was very under-aged.

"He told Elmo nasty things about Christmas being fake and then tickled Elmo's elmo."

Its taken Elmo years to have the courage to say anything.

"Uncle Benny put his hand up Elmo and laughed."

So far the Vatican has not made a comment as they have never replied to any of Old Knudsen's e-mails.  I shall take their silence as a confession of guilt.

The Right To Drive

The G8 summit to be held in County Fermanagh I was just remembering what else the place is famous for.
Besides plenty of bombings and other terrorist related murders County Fermanagh has lots of sheep but very few people. It has the least amount of people in all the 6 counties but still,  Matthew Broderick the movie star managed to knock doon and kill two of them in 1987.
He was driving on the wrong side of the road (the right hand side) when his rented BMW collided with a Volvo.
Anna Gallagher aged 30 and her Ma Margaret Doherty aged 63 died instantly.

Broderick and his gurlfriend Jennifer Grey had minor injuries. Imagine that, a movie star driving around the least populated county in Northern Ireland and he kills 2 people. Shite for all involved but what a weird fuck off thing to have happened.

After pleading guilty to a charge of careless driving he was fined $150 or £100.

On The Line Shopping

Imagine that, Internet sales have risen in Northern Ireland by 11%. Not bad for a load of computer illiterate rednecks.
What about the death of the high street?  It seems that even rednecks get sick of no choice, no value and poor service.
You can go on about supporting yer local shops but when those local shops gouge you with their prices and don't have what you want then fuck them.

Old Knudsen has gone into local shops to be told, "Oh its only available in those colours" well online it has the colour I want. The shop staff look at the shelf and say that is all they have 98% of times. Younger sales staff will suggest you go online but the older ones will say tough luck .

Hes even had a bloke tell him that he called the company and that an item was discontinued but he had a similar in the shop. Upon going online Old Knudsen found out that no, it was not discontinued at all, the shop just didn't have it and didn't want to order one..... Let the high street die!   

Its not like the US where the sales tax stays in the area you shop in, all sales tax or VAT goes to the government and does not aid yer community except by keeping the shop owner in business. The same owners who stand a talk while you wait to get served.

Old Knudsen likes to shop in Real Life in which he can see and touch the item. He doesn't want to shop in a place that thinks its a Mini Mart and jacks up its prices because its the only game in town. Guess what? yer dictatorship of convenience has ended.    


Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Hollywood Bust Up

Old Knudsen has the mystical ability to see through the bullshit, thats why people take offense at him, it often doesn't suit them to see it.

There is a custody dispute between Halle Berry and her ex Gabriel Aubry. Its a case of he said she said with the new boyfriend of Halle, Oliver Martinez is getting involved too.

There has no doubt been shit said from both sides but Old Knudsen doesn't believe how the situation is going right now.
Aubry who is French Canadian left off his daughter Nahla at Berry's home on Thanksgiving. It was reported from Martinez that Aubry attacked him. Aubry said that Martinez took him outside to talk to him and then beat the shit out of him. Mostly for the 3 million Aubry is costing them in the custody battle.

 Aubry wants the CCTV footage from outside the home before Martinez deletes it.

Heres what I think, the two men are parading cocks, both proud, big mouthed Frenchies. Martinez is far tougher than Aubry and they both know it. Martinez did beat him up because Martinez is legally in a stronger postion, he lives there at the home and has back up witnesses should he need it. Aubry already has a history of yelling and shoving the nanny and Halle has put it out there that she feels threatened by him.
Aubry now has got a restraining order on him because of this latest fight and a possible deportation back to Canada.

Look at the injuries. Martinez has a damaged and swollen right hand where he pummeled Aubry's pretty face. Aubry who is a pretty boy, golfing, guitar playing model is more used to yelling at weemen. He didn't stand a chance.

Aubry probably deserved it but I suspect that Martinez and Berry are manipulating the situation in order to win the legal battle.

Halle has never been too good with picking her partners, she tends to go for the bad boy type that controls her and treats her like shite. Grow a pair Halle, yer deep rooted insecurities aren't that sexy which is why Old Knudsen dumped you, and quit the begging e-mails its long over. 

I doubt there will be any CCTV of the fight, it will mysteriously be out of order or something. Aubry is fucked, well played Mr Martinez.

Theres A War On

Did you forget about the war still going on in Afghanistan? Yeah you only hear about that when our troops do something wrong or when someone points out yet again how unwinnable it is. Old Knudsen thinks it can be won.
Nuke the place and let Gog sort out its own.

A suicide bomber detonated a vehicle loaded with explosives near a joint coalition-Afghan security center in a province west of Kabul on Friday, killing two Afghan civilian workers and a woman and wounding at least 90 others.

Not a green on blue  killing, just yer usual sandsavage murder. Two men and a woman killed. Its easy to just forget that the victims were people with kids and problems, worrying about the rent and their children's futures.
You look at the headlines and move on to some celeb in the jungle having rude things said to her by other has been celebs.... oh the drama.
We've become so desensitized to death until it hits close to us and then we care and expect others to do so as well. Thats what it takes to remind us.

This teenager dressed as a cop tried to blow himself and others up. What would that virgin do with all of his undead afterlife virgins?

The bombing wasn't just a random get the west thing, it was because six Taliban members were to be executed for carrying out suicide bombings, assassinations and kidnappings. They were so crap at the suicide bombings that they lived.
The day before that eight criminals convicted of murder, rape, kidnapping and treason were all well hung.

Shit is going on but we don't care right? Isn't it great that we can go day to day without worrying about being blown up? Well it could still happen but less likely.

Another failed suicide bomber ..... and his small willy. 

Thank you troops for doing yer job even though there are some cunts that slag you off for doing it. Don't listen to those smug wankers they have probably never been in any kind of dangerous situation other than a root canal.

Do us proud, serve with honour and come home safely. Your bravery is more than just a blurb to Old Knudsen.


Sorry You Aren't Educated

Kathleen Gormley was brought in to run a troubled North Belfast school . At one assembly Ms Gormley told pupils, “this is not a school for sluts or scruffs”. She didn't name anyone like, "Hey katie O'Price, yer a right slapper in yer mini skirt and caked on make up."

She said: 

"I think any new principal when they come into a school is reinforcing rules and the majority of people will like that. Some will not like that, but I was hired to raise standards and that is what I am doing and I have the support of all of the staff, the board of governors and the majority of parents."

“To be honest, when you are a new principal not everyone is going to like your standards, and I am really, really strict. I am known for running a school with rules.”

Some parents took the scruff and slut comment personally and took to Facebook to protest with badly spelled rants that makes Old Knudsen look like a scholar, "U R wrong 2 call our kids names they R wot they R U nied 2 B nicer."

Kathleen Gormley wants the children to wear their uniform properly and look tidy without crazy make up and hair colour as if they are out on the prowl for cock. You shouldn't see giblets because yer skirt is too short. A ban on body piercings and instead of calling them 'cunt' calling the teachers by their name and title.

There are plenty of self righteous sluts from the slum and they raise their children to be just like them. No self respect and they don't respect anyone else.

The new head left one of the top performing schools to go to this one. She has a Masters degree in modern history, was a former history adviser to the Western Education and Library Board. Smart is the new sexy.....

Now Ms Gormley has apologised for her remarks as the parents don't like that kind of fucking talk! Well done on calling a spade a spade and trying to teach children to behave like humans instead of hoor bags.

The apology should have said, "I'm sorry you dress your children like sluts and chavs."

Monday, 26 November 2012

The Shooting Dead

So I was watching the latest episode of The Walking dead and I'm wondering just how accurate yer man's rifle is.... yeah the bent one.

Ya had me believing in zombies but then ya had to go and fucking well spoil it!!! 

No Christmas For The Grinch Again

 Seen here in a home video made a month before the shooting.

The green fur covered cave dwelling creature known as "The Grinch" shot and killed three whos today in a dramatic twist to his usual Christmas stealing activities.
The Grinch who has been treated for depression due to having a heart two sizes too small entered Whoville around 3 pm with the intent of ending Christmas for all the whos.
The Whoville police responded quickly and cornered him in a KFC restaurant, after a tense 2 hour stand off a shot was heard.

The Grinch had turned his shotgun on himself. Paramedics announced him dead at the scene.

Chief Wonderblurst of the Whoville police said, " Mr Grinch was under tacit surveillance as he gets a little anxious at this time of the year. In the past his criminal activity was mostly only burglaries of which he was still on probation for we never expected anything of this magnitude. Our sympathies go out to the 3 victims and the families of this tragedy."

First published 29th November 2007. I was just put in mind of it when someone referred to Old Knudsen as a Grinch. 

Fwee Fwederwick!

The wife of Frederick Joseph Hengl was killed, dismembered and big hunks of her were cooked on the family stove.
Nosy neighbours smelled something odd, heard a power saw and saw Freddy walking about wearing a dress around his Callyfornia home.

No one knows who killed  Anna Faris and put her head in the freezer as Hengl has pleaded not guilty.

Old Knudsen doesn't believe that Frederick 68, killed his wife 73, he looks like such a nice bloke. I'm more inclined to looking a little more closely at the neighbours. WTF you can't cook or use power tools or walk around in ladies clothes without someone calling the Peelers?

Give the poor man a break, he just lost his wife for fucks sake.

Seven Years Bad Luck

 Behold you easily fooled morons, I've changed the story on yas.
 The Pope is throwing his weight around like a Nazi bully man in a dress. First the pedo loving cunt says the nativity scene doesn’t accurately depict the birth of Jesus Christ?
WTF? lets strip away all the pleasant fluffy stuff that Christians fool themselves with because they all subconsciously know that they are going to Hell when they die.

Oh, you didn't know you are going to Hell .... oops my bad, you do know know about the great lie right? Ah well whatever gets yer morally superior ass through the day. "Oh all the suffering and pain is terrible" while you support the ideology that feeds it. Nice people can be cunts.

Pope Benedict XVI and his new book says the cute lambs etc was made up and yer children in their school play are great to wank over but totally historically incorrect.  The Vatican are all about the facts, none of that made up shit.
His nativity scene in St Peter's Square will have the lil baby Jeebus in Joseph's carpentry shop amongst the saws and the chisels which sounds waaay more historically correct and Christmas like. St Luke's gospel is just WRONG!!!!

Then he went and said the current calendar we use today is slightly off... by roughly seven years. You'd think that something so important would have been corrected by now.

The calculation of the beginning of our calendar is based on the fictional birth of Jesus and was made by Dionysius Exiguus ..... stoopid monk.

What else is wrong then Benny?

The Pope writes in his new book, 'Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives'. The actual date of Jesus's birth was several years before and he was really a Scorpio which is why everyone hated him. He used to think it was all about him and manipulated people to get what he wanted.  Judas was sick of the drama as was Peter which is why he denied him.... "I don't fuckin know him."

Dionysius fucked it up in the 6th century after he got a bit drunk and decided to draw up a new calendar based off of the birth of Christ instead of using the old system, which had been invented by an emperor everyone hated.  He was doing it just for kicks ..... oh that wacky Dionysius.

The problem is that Dionysius knew fuck all and is long dead and so was then an easy person to make a mockery off and to belittle ..... much like what the Pope and his clergy do to the thousands of victims of church child abuse.

The good news is that he hasn't mentioned the Pagan origins of the Christmas tree or the validity of Santa, they are safe this year which means .....  'Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives' would make a great stocking stuffer.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Reflecting Pool

It really upsets me when I unintentionally hurt someone ..... cos then I lose out on most of the fun of meaning to upset them.

Its difficult being Old Knudsen at times.    Oh and by the way, yer an arsehole who dresses funny! 

Which Reminds Me

Old Knudsen got himself some ink on Friday. Now He can print off all the dirty pictures .... and the crowd went wild!

Sham Of Shame

Now I went on this Facebook page from Northern Ireland. It was amusing, mostly jokes and pictures taken off the Interweb nothing original . Last night the page owner posted a picture of an art sculpture in Belfast.
The structure is called Rise but has a couple of other nicknames like Balls on the Falls and Westicles. Its right at the Catholic Falls road area hence the name.

So I went on and left a comment. A pretty innocuous comment .... or so I thought. The following are the comments left, the ones in bold are deleted comments paraphrased from Old Knudsen's memory.

Soren Knudsen: Good on you, taking a picture of the Balls on the Falls. 

Some Bloke: Except its not on the Falls

Soren Knudsen: Just a spit away from the Falls. I didn't make up the name. I'd call them 'distraction to put drivers into traction.'

NI Shams: Calm down Soren, we don't have any arguments here or I'll take the comments down. Certainly no bitchy comments. NI shams is for everyone from Northern Ireland.  

NI Shams: Just posting a pic I took of our wee country, random shot while driving.. I know from family being in the Royal Victoria Hospital for quite some time, that this is a nice view for them. Belfast should be as grand as any other major city in the world

Soren Knudsen: Fuck yer touchy considering I'm not from either side LOL!   (I laughed and disliked the silly page) 

NI Shams: Comments taken down as inappropriate, for anyone who saw them earlier!!

NI Shams: Sorry if you commented on one of those posts, and your comment has been removed, they didn't make sense left on their own. Thanks to all who backed US up!

Some Bloke: I like 'the balls at the falls' that name works a couple of ways but I much prefer 'the westicles'   
Typical Sham post

Now I'm just wondering how the fuck did they think I wasn't anything but calm. I know this type of person. They have a Facebook page and think they are someone .... I bet you were big on MySpace too. Bitchy? wow they sure read a lot into things. This is a perfect example of why people from Northern Ireland who have asspergers should not do comedy. The Irish doon south are funny, the North, not so much.

They were right about how Belfast should be as grand as any other major city .... except it isn't, and isn't even a major city. If you think it is then you haven't been anywhere. Go down to Dublin for more of a clue.  We've got riots and bands pissing on churches .... oh and webby balls. 

I thought my comments were harmless, witty and not worth a second thought but by the looks of the other comments there was a mini flame war and they 'needed' backed up. That would be the usual Northern Ireland habit of  finding offense in anything. 
I went to bed .... sorry for missing it all but it just wasn't that interesting I've seen it all before.

The panicked brain of the Norn iron yokel:
'I don't get yer humour, you mentioned something Catholic so I'll take the safe route and take offense' 

Its all right, I get that a lot. Some people just aren't too bright. It merely reinforced my view that 98% of Northern Ireland people are not funny or mature enough to be on line. 

Yes NI Shams is for everyone from Northern Ireland, just like the Orange Order is for all Christians ... you have to read the fine print though ...... Only our kind of people and those that know their place.

I wish them good luck with their page but suggest they take a look at their own issues

Typical Phoney Call

Oh hello there lass Old Knudsen was just thinking about you or someone that looked like you anyway I'm sorry I can't make it but I was looking up the TV guide and the Karate Kid is on today .... fuckin eh.

Aye I love that waxy on waxy off and then theres the unpredictable ending. I've seen yon movie like 50 times but its a real tale of heart over coming the odds, have you seen it? ah well gotta go , say hi to all the gurls for me, oh the first Superman movie is on too must be my lucky day.


White Cotton Panties

You can have yer PVC crotchless gimp suits and yer silky corsets and fish net tights but Old Knudsen has found that a pair of white cotton panties can be just as if not more sexy.

The scene with Sigourney Weaver in Aliens is one of the few things that Old Knudsen remembers from that movie.
As was the JoBeth Williams scene in Poltergeist.

In life you just never know where you'll get wisdom from, just like you never know where you'll get the raging horn from.