Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Did You Pay The Iron Price Or The Gold?

Um no father I paid the gold price not the iron price, no wait thats not the right answer is it? I um paid Michael Phelps £10 for it hes got a ton of them, they are worth at least £400.  Is that the gold or iron price cos I'm confused as usual? 

Game Of Thrones In Belfast

One does not simply hand a Gog bothering flyer to a lady of Winterfell as she walks her dire wolf.

As Game of thrones gets filmed in Belfast over at the Titanic quarter it does cause a little trouble for the everyday people.

I walked into HMV intent on a bit of shop lifting but Balon was holding up the line arguing with the cashier, "I will not pay the gold price for this Miley Cyrus Cd, go get me your lord for its the iron price or nothing you weak soft boy."

Too many peeps about, Ned's bastard Jon Snow was in the adult section almost buying a porno. Ach ya know ya want it never mind the Black guard and yer oath of celibacy a build up of spunk in the system can kill ya or turn ya into a pedo.

Old Knudsen just stays away from the Titanic centre. The last time he was there this naked lass covered in dragons tried to ask me for directions to a safe place for her people to stay the night. Well ya can try the Premier Inn. I am the mother of dragons she said .......... the Europa hotel then?

Ach ya can't even eat in peace at KFC without some chick getting bent over yer table.

After I take you you'll be my 15th wife.

Yeah yeah whatever I didn't order my fillet burgers with extra mayo.Ya can't even get a high chair for yer child as there may be some midget using it to have sex on.

Ok so I may have encouraged him a bit.

We get stars all the time in Belfast we hardly take note except to say something like, "who the fuck do they think they are?" when they go up and ask for extra ketchup in Burger King, ya think they own the place the way they get on.

Rhianna has stopped coming to Belfast as she keeps on getting mistaken for a prostitute .... aye like we'd have good lookin hoors that have their own teeth.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Not Amused

As the British team walked into the Olympic stadium the Queen found her nails very interesting.

Rumour has it she wasn't very happy at not hitting her mark exactly during the parachute jump but it was really the fact it was too late for the old dear and her happy meds were wearing off. 

Old Knudsen Loves Sport

To clarify ...... not actually competing in sport. Even the Dutch gets my attention.

I like to sit in the corner of a darkened room with just the glow of my cigarette showing as I watch.

Yes, Old Knudsen likes to watch.

Go on, give her a long slow lingering kiss.

Hipsters Get The Point

Korea's hipster archers shrugged as they won gold..... too cool to be impressed at these mainstream games. 

Ask Jeeves Not Twitter

Maria Fowler a reality star and slapper tweeted during the Olympic opening ceremony 'Ahhh wish I was there so bad. Muhammad Ali. No disrespect though but why can't he stand now?'

Her tweets were answered by a few of her 367,209 followers who felt the need to point out how dumb she was and that she should Google first rather than ask on Twitter.  Don't talk in public Ms Fowler just get yer tweets out for the lads and leave the thinking to the likes of Old Knudsen.

 Muhammad Ali touches the Olympic flag during the opening ceremony with the help of his nurse.

Ali the 70 year - old draft dodging heavy weight boxer won Olympic gold in the 1960's Olympic games. Now he suffers from Parkinson disease but he couldn't stand at the ceremony as he got stuck into the complimentary mini bar in his hotel room when Michelle Obama challenged him to a drinking contest....... she won.

Old Knudsen does get annoyed when people (especially young uns) on the Internet ask questions when they don't know like "who is Kurt Cobain?"  You have the fucking Internet why don't you look it up?   

Old Knudsen had to look up Maria Fowler. There are just so many so-called celebs that Old Knudsen doesn't know and they become celebs by being on some reality show.

Remember when a celeb was an actor or singer who actually worked? then it became TV chefs and TV doctors and then anyone with a sex tape or a reality show. 

In the UK they also all look the same. Fake tits, fake tan and they dress like a hooker and thats just the men. Average looking talentless people that America wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Just ask Cheryl Cole how her US career has taken off..... like a North Korean missile. 


Sunday, 29 July 2012


A blast from the past that so far has not made it into mainstream vocabulary .... Blogjinx

Hot Weemen Of Sport

USA: Allison Stokke 

 Poland: Maja Wloszczowska


Japan: Miwa Asao

  Australia:  Michelle Jenneke

USA: Lolo Jones

China: Guo Jingjing

USA: Natalie Coughlin

UK: Jessica Ennis   ...... Ok this one not so hot, ah well we tried.

In the wings....

Northern Ireland:  Katie Kirk the 18 year -old lass that helped to light the Olympic cauldron.

Mock The Weak

A cruel and heartless comedian by the name of Frankie Boyle posted a rude and insulting message  on Twitter about an Olympic swimmer 'I worry that Rebecca Adlington will have an unfair advantage in the swimming by possessing a dolphin's face.' 

He had said about her before on the TV show 'Mock the week' that she resembled 'someone looking at themselves in the back of a spoon'.

Adlington has asked for an apology but Boyle being a Scottish cunt doesn't do them.

Mr Boyle you are a disgrace. You think its funny to mock the appearance of another person just so you can have a cheap laugh and feel like a big man?

She doesn't look too bad does she? er I mean I bet she is a wonderful person deep inside. She has very distinguished hands. 

For fucks sake he does have a point.

I have not photoshopped this picture in any way. I know its hard to believe but no that is her real face.

Can't you just imagine her swimming after a school of fish chomping on them as she goes? 

Mr Boyle I accept yer worries about the disadvantage and shall be bringing it up at the next Olympic huddle or brain storming session.

Old Knudsen is going to have bad dreams now. Make the ugly woman go away mummy.

Proper Gander #1

A consistent liar who doesn't care if you believe him or not ........... how refreshingly honest. 

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Danny Boyle Is The Man!

Old Knudsen was disqualified from the first set for repeatedly aiming at the crowd

Did you see the Olympic opening ceremony? Old Knudsen was watching it while sipping some very fine brandy with his feet up in front of a 84 inch HD TV. Ah living the dream.... you jelly much?

Thankfully the home owners who mentioned about going out on their FaceBook page came home  late so Old Knudsen got to watch it all before the screaming and the running began.

To sum up the basics for any cunt who didn't watch it and yes you are a cunt. Danny Boyle the director of such movies like Trainspotting, Shallow grave, 28 weeks later and Slumdog millionaire organized it all. He made it about the people he made it quirky and British giving a brief history lesson and summery of British culture.

I watched it and cringed when the 19th century gentlemen in top hats did an angry hand jive while Kenneth Branagh stood there grinning from ear to ear with fake sideburns reciting Shakespeare .

"Oh no its going to be really lame and corny" thought I.

As it progressed it just became amazing. A short film with Daniel Craig as James Bond meeting the real Queen who then joins him for a helicopter ride and they both parachute out, then the real Queen enters the Olympic arena.

Giant glowing Olympic rings floating over head, drums, dancing and Mr Bean running in Chariots of fire.
There was dancing and hits from all decades and a nod to the Brit who invented the world wide web... yeah it was a Brit, not so smart now Yanks. 

The athletes all marched out in alphabetical order smiling away most of them holding up their cameras and accompanied by a youth carrying a copper petal . All the petals went onto a sculpture that raised up to form the Olympic cauldron, it was incredible.

Danny Boyle has set a standard never before achieved during the Olympics and it all worked. It was crazy and bizarre but the over all message was that the Olympics was for everyone.

Many foreigners won't get some of the references due to their naturally low IQ but it was fun to watch.

In 2005 the nation was on a high when it won the Olympic bid, that was soon changed when 24 hours later 4 suicide bombers blew up some buses killing 54 people. Those people that died were remembered in the opening ceremonies bringing emotion to the proceedings and the message that even Hitler couldn't stop the people of London so Romney you'd be smart to remember that the next time you open yer idiot mouth.

I'm sure Romney was watching it somewhere not getting a thing that was going on but hoping it would go wrong.

The only thing that was bad was that it finished at 1am. You can't keep the Queen and her zombie consort up to that time they looked knackered. 

Old Knudsen doesn't really do sports as its quite ghey but the Olympics are the exception (unless its tennis or scoccer) the archery, rowing, gymnastics and swimming are all interesting to watch and not just for the firm young bodies.


Ok maybe the volley ball is about firm young bodies.

Old Knudsen will be checking in on the sports now and again with tissues at the ready ...... for his allergies not his seaman ya dirty gits.

Old Knudsen uses a loose pair of socks or the curtains for his jizz like duh!

Many Northern Ireland athletes are in Team GB or Team Ireland so come on and show the world that we are more than just bigoted, uneducated, drunken louts .

Hats off to you Mr Boyle it was a great show and nicely done. Old Knudsen was made proud for a change.

The Blogging Life Of Old Knudsen

So that was my innocuous witty little post about aliens abducting cows, I hope it made you laugh a little. I do try in the hope that I can brighten up someone's day.

You vile stinking asshole we'll get you. We have blogs and some of us work in I.T. we'll make your life hell , we'll be here waiting everyday to remind you how much we hate you, calling you names and saying that you suck. 50 of us with 50 different personas you won't know what hit you.  

Um its only blogging ya know. Not only was it free but no one asked you to read it. If you found something to take offense at then stop reading I really don't care. I have no idea why you feel so threatened by me but I would be happy to discuss yer issues in private if you want. Old Knudsen is a trained agronomic therapist.    

Now you've done it shrimp dick we are going to totally fuck you up.

Well in that case I might as well tell you what yer Ma likes to get fucked up  ........... Ka-Chow!!!

Friday, 27 July 2012

Romney Does London

Mitt Romney is busy traveling to the UK, Poland and Israel on the charm offensive as an international salesman. On his trip he has already been described as being devoid of charm and mildly offensive.

He left the US after suggesting on US TV that he wasn't sure that London was ready to hold the Olympics.
This comment irked Prime Minister David Cameron who replied that London was a busy city and sure its far easier to hold the games in the middle of nowhere referring to the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics of 2002.

On the same TV show Mitt Romney then said, "and the British all have rotten yellow teeth and they talk funny in fact if it wasn't for us they'd be speaking in German, their health service sucks dead donkey dick, the women all look like men in drag and the workers are so lazy they go on strike if they don't get 10 tea breaks as for customer service everyone is so rude and no one says pip pip cheerio."

A spokesman for Romney later said he was reading off a list of things not to mention during his trip to Britain. I wonder how his holocaust speech in Israel will go.

Romney later did some damage control by saying that the Olympics would be “terrific”, blessed with “great weather” and full of “enthusiasm on the part of the people here in London”......."Not!"

All through his trip he had trouble remembering people's names and even referred to the head of the political opposition party as Mr Leader which may fly in the US but over here Ed Miliband is called Ed Millipede, Forrest Gump or Red Ed.

Run Ed Run ya big tard looking twat.

Then in a gaffe he mentioned that he had a meeting with Sir John Sawers, the Secret Intelligence Service chief. When you talk in a deserted car park at dawn with the head of the UK spies you don't talk about it.

The American athlete Carl Lewis who is considered as one of the greatest Olympians of all time even though he only won nine Olympic gold medals said, "Every Olympics is ready, I don't care whatever he said. I swear, sometimes I think some Americans shouldn't leave the country. Are you kidding me, stay home if you don't know what to say."

Romney tried to gain UK favour by saying hes “a guy from Great Britain who is married to a girl from Wales”.  Pointing to the fact his great-great-grandfather came from the north of England and was one of Britain's first Mormons ........ hardly anything to brag about. His wife's grandfather was a Welsh coal miner who left for the US in 1929..... big whoop. 

Obama like 98% of the rest of America is Irish - ish which is a tough act to beat Mr Romney.

We didn't bribe anyone to get the Olympics held in London so fuck away off  Romney. It would be way too awkward now if you became President as not only do you constantly slag off Europe (as is the US political trend) but you slag off the UK which is only for us to do.  I'm sorry Mr Mitty but we just couldn't have a 'special' relationship with you.


May The Whitest Team Win

Meet team GB. All 541 of them. The vast amount of white faces says a lot about Great Britain. What it mostly says is.
We need more black folk or we're gonna win fuck all! 

Oh you were probably thinking about white people being more affluent to be able to get into sports at a high level or that being middle class and white gives you more of a chance in the UK at sports than being young , poor , gifted and black.

We oppress white people too in the UK so don't go saying we're racist. North Korea has fuck all blacks too.  I bet most of Team GB are Protestant.

Take what you will from it. Good luck team UK ...... er I mean team GB. 

Welcum To The Games

Boris Johnson the mayor of London will do anything to promote the Olympic games. It looks like he is encouraging an athlete in the event, 'chucking the javelin.'

Lord Sebastian Coe who is the 'Games boss' has warned anyone wearing a Pepsi T-shirt they are likely to be booted out because it would upset sponsors Coca-Cola.  He doesn't care if you have a ticket you will be on crutches at the end of the day.

A cafe manager in London who displayed five bagels in the style of the Olympic rings was ordered to take them down and his family were executed . A butcher in Dorset had to take down five rings made from sausages..... and they were grilled for hours.

People are looking back to the Olympics that were held in Beijing 2008 as a more carefree less troubled time. 


Thursday, 26 July 2012

Its People That Assault Not Hammers

Its Thors-day today....so its 'hammer time'  In West Belfast on Monday 10.30pm a man was approached by a number of men wearing balaclavas and was beaten with hammers.

The Uk's hammer culture is now under scrutiny. You can walk into any hardware store and purchase a hammer for quite a low price with no background check.

The casual availability in buying hammers has people calling for hammer control in a country in which most people have at least one in their homes.

This is not the first hammer attack nor while it be the last. Accessories such as balaclavas can also be easily bought at any sporting goods stores or (online) with the minimum of questions.



Pyongyang .... Kipper Bang

Got a surprise e-mail from Kimmy Jong Un, ya know yer wee slitty eyed Cartman looking fucker from North Korea.

Dear Old Knudsen

My greatest friend in the world. I am planning the most  romantic thing ever. I am letting the state run television announce to the world that I am married by mentioning my wife as we visit the completion of an amusement park. 
I would like you to be there as you were the one that picked her out of the catalog for me to buy. 

Your dearest friend


PS yes you'll be paid your usual fee for attending.

It was a lovely e-mail and Comrade Ri Sol-ju is a lovely gurl. Old Knudsen is such a professional he even tested her out a few times before hand. Maybe I should have told Kimmy to get his shots first.

I don't know why they made an amusement park its not as if anyone is allowed to have fun there in the north, too busy worrying about starving to death or getting sent to a labour camp. I think that Kimmy wants to turn North Korea into one big Neverland ranch .

Ya know the way North Korea launches missiles that freak everyone out before they harmlessly fall into the sea?
It turns out that the missiles don't fail. North Korea is at war with the mermen from Atlantis. Old Knudsen isn't surprised as those mermen are always causing trouble.  

Suffer The Sexy Little Children

Father Hubert Barral aged 67 a Roman Catholic priest on trial in this southern French town for failing to report the sexual abuse of children has argued that the pedophilic acts that took place in his parish were actually good for the children.

Barral defended the man accused of having sexually abused and raped two children, as well as a man over the age of 18 who had psychological problems.

To quote the sick man of God who said that during this abuse were the  "moments when the children flowered". 

The crimes took place between 1986 and 1998. The pedo himself Marc Ruther, a 49-year-old drifter has admitted to the charges and says he drugged the victims before raping them.

Barral who is supposed to be celebate had also told one of the children that making love was a way of being in touch with God.

Only a Catholic priest would call rape 'making love.'

Typical. Yet another religious hypocrite who uses his standing and trust in the community to fuck children. It seems that many involved in religion try to fuck people anyway they can. Guilt trips are usually a popular method.

Then you get the ones that think if they say their shit often and the most loudly then it must be the truth. Saying its true because its in the Bible makes as much sense as saying its true because its in 50 shades of grey. 

No wonder the God of Christianity hasn't let his son cum back. If you think crucifixion was bad just wait until Fox news got a hold of the new Savior .

It seems that the Christian God has decided that humanity isn't worth it...... for once it looks like he got is right.