Saturday, 30 June 2012

Life After Cult

"That Holmes bitch will never work in this town again!"

She didn't have much of a career anyway . Getting married to Tom Cruise may not have been the great career move she expected but now the poor gurl is crying all the way to the bank.

Old Knudsen would marry Cruise for at least $33 million and a few houses and yes dear we are all descended from aliens, whatever you say. I know yer not ghey, me neither now fuck Old Knudsen like a hurricane and later on you can be the mommy. 

"First Katie, take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!

You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you.
I’m talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

UK Armed Forces Day

Prince Charles the Prince of Wales is Admiral of the Fleet, Field Marshal and Marshal of the Royal Air Force and on today which is the UK armed forces day Old Knudsen has decided to honour him and in a round about way honour those past and present who have and still serve in the British Armed forces.

Getting much deserved promotions in the armed forces every time he has a birthday he now holds honourary 5 star ranks in the three branches of military.

He slouches when he stands and does a piss poor salute but who cares ? Its the thought that counts.

At a time when welfare benefits are getting cut his government funded spending and private income has increased ....... Gog bless him.

The only promotion he wants will happen when his mummy dies everything up till then is merely a pat on the head.

From a long line of tough military men and weemen we salute you sir.

May they serve with honour and come home alive and intact with the heads of our enemies hanging from their belts. 


Friday, 29 June 2012

I Feel The Need, The Need For A Lawyer

You may have noticed that Old Knudsen has mentioned Tom Cruise a couple of times over the last few days, this is because Old Knudsen has been on the phone with the guy for hours on end, "side with me Old Knudsen" he says "I need to be on your famous world wide blog for the fight ahead."

What fight you may ask? ...... Tom and Katie are getting divorced.

Old Knudsen is stating for the record that Katie (ball buster) Holmes did not find Tom in bed with John Travolta who then tried to pass off their actions as a Scientology purging exercise and was totally legit.

This is personal business and the couple need to be left alone to deal with this. Any crazy stories about Tom sacrificing puppies to the dark lord Xanthan or cloning himself and forcing Katie into orgies are just total lies to make Tom look bad.

Old Knudsen asks for respect, if not for them then for little Surrey the demon spawn extracted from  L. Ron Hubbard's DNA.

A Scientology divorce takes place in complete silence and consists of the couple miming the terms of divorce, child custody gets settled by choosing two champions who fight with foam weapons while standing on pedestals in complete darkness, the first champion to fall loses care of the child for the parent. 

Its all very modern and costs a vast amount of money. 


Jubiliee Love Story

Old Knudsen jets around the world constantly, he was just over in Iceland watching Tom Cruise battling aliens .......... no it was just a movie, the aliens were defeated years back when Old Knudsen blew up their secret base inside yon Icelandic volcano. Old Knudsen was as usual there as an adviser. Who else knows how to kick alien butt, Wil Smith?

"No no no Tommy boy quit with the intense stares it makes you look like you've forgotten yer glasses. No no no Tommy boy was that a comedy run? Run like a man no wonder people said you were ghey."

Not everyone can pull of the silver jumpsuit look but Tommy boy was rockin it. A hard working eager to please young man but I can't see him having a future in the moving picture industry.

When Old Knudsen heard that her majesty the Queen was to visit Northern Ireland he rushed back to his old stomping grounds.

Philip is deteriorating quickly due to becoming a zombie his only words are "nipples, pork, xylophone" and of course "brains."

Someone had to keep Lizzie company.

After a long day of shaking hands with former terrorists, and visiting the sights of Belfast her majesty was knackered. Its been a busy year for the 86 year-old.

Old Knudsen waited at the gates of his secret Belfast love palace and soon the black SUV pulled up. She extended a short stockinged leg and with the grace of a gazelle she hopped out of the vehicle.

Philip looked out from the back seat, blood dripping from his jowls he gave a happy wave and shouted, "Xylophone!" Still waving out the window as they sped off.

Old Knudsen looked into Lizzie's eyes as she gave a coy giggle, suddenly the heavens opened and the heaviest rain ever fell upon us. We held hands and hobbled at speed to the shelter of the cum bucket (the code name for this secret location) soon we where inside laughing like giddy school girls and shaking the rain off our arms.

Old Knudsen raised his eyebrow and said, "you'd better get out of those wet cloths yer majesty" with a mock look of disdain the Queen said, "And what do you propose one would wear Mr knudsen?"

Old Knudsen smiled that unforgettable smile he reserves for special occasions, "You could wear Old Knudsen's cock."

We embraced, dentures clashing in a mix of tongue and saliva. Cloths getting dragged and ripped off our bodies and soon all the cares of the day vanished replaced by passion and positions that would make a priest cringe.

After the 6 hour sex fest we lay on the damp bed and talked about our dreams. No you can't abdicate the throne for love we've talked about this before.

Soon it was time to go as the room smelled like Thai food and the Queen had her less strenuous  duties to perform.
The security detachment escorted her back to her SUV giving Old Knudsen looks of disgust, ah they wish they were me, Old Knudsen gets that a lot.

Lizzie hid her tears as she climbed inside the vehicle and she was off , already fading like a half remembered dream...... until the next time.        

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Take It Like A Man America!

Americans are talking about healthcare yet again with the Obamacare bill. One bone of contention is that it wants to force 'some' people to pay for affordable healthcare. Making Americans buy something is unconstitutional. 

One does not simply tell Americans what to do. Americans have a stubborn streak created by the founding fathers who blew sunshine up their arses and sold them a set of ideals that could not be lived up to but in theory it sounds good.......... not to mention all those stubborn Scots/Irish who built yon cuntry with a bible in one hand a jug of moonshine in the other and a half brick to throw at the injuns in the other.

Hold on thats three hands, yep we built America while pished out of our skulls and you can tell.

Here is what Obama bashers are saying about Obamacare:

America is now doomed.

The United States of America as we know it is now dead.

Who will step in and stop the rape of Lady Liberty? I think shes had enough. 

Today I feel like I woke up in the USSR .... come on America wheres the 'Free?'

Ach so much drama. America is not doomed nor is it dead, its still in the steady decline it was in a year ago and the year before that with the dollar being as weak as my piss. Yep Old Knudsen will comfort ya.

The last comment says it all, come on America wheres the free?  Americans don't want Socialism or as they call it Communism (they ain't too smart) but they want it all but don't want to pay for it. As soon as a disaster occurs they turn to the government for help WTF. 

Obamacare means you'll get crappy healthcare by US standards but better than UK standards, Old Knudsen has had both.

Gurn up Americans and be more like the British. We put up with any old shite the government gives us and you know what? we're grateful .

You go in and tell a British doctor whats wrong with you and he says, "you probably just need to have a shit." You thank the doctor and apologise for bothering him and then you go away until you get bad enough that you look sick..... It may be 50/50 whether you live or die at that point but at least you haven't taken up valuable resources.

We are more in tune with nature, winter and drunk driving thins the herd as it should do and thanks to our built in class system we do whatever someone with higher education or a posh accent tells us to do ......... Americans have no class.

We don't struggle to stay alive with drugs and oxygen tanks, we prefer the more natural approach like aromatherapy for our cancer patients, besides the doctors don't like to give out drugs when a few acid remarks on what a pussy you are does the same job and is cheaper for them.

 A typical NHS hospital
C'mon Americans stop being total wimps and just accept what yer government gives you. Yer too fat to revolt and besides you can bear arms or have bear arms but its not enough to take doon the military anymore.

I miss the GW Bush years, he signed in some interesting shit and the public took it. Hey Obama just say you are going to make employers cover birth control for employees for the security of the nation and that there has been talk about a possible attack on US soil.    Hey look over there an attack! Quickly signs bill. 

Bush was also a lot funnier to blog about..... I hope Romney wins, he won't but it would sure be good for blogging.   

If you are wondering why Old Knudsen was in hospital in the first picture well it was because he had a stroke.
Yes it is very serious and not something to laugh about. So Old Knudsen had a stroke and then he kept stroking it and very soon the weemen in the supermarket reported Old Knudsen for stroking himself on the cereal aisle then some blokes literally caught Old Knudsen with his pants doon and beat the shit out of him.   

Clean up on aisle seven!

Its the dementia, Old Knudsen thought he was behind the curtains of his hoose safely stroking away. Fcuking voices are never right.




Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Just As Boring As You

Old Knudsen gets e-mails by the dozen asking him, 'What do you do with yerself when yer not writing yer award winning blog?'

Not ignoring the little people who read this shite thats fer sure.  Old Knudsen shall answer yer question.
Last week for example Old Knudsen was having a nice cup of tae looking out the kitchen window and thought, 'yon pond looks a little bare I think I'll plant some water hyacinth'  of course that means a trip to the garden centre.

So many lovely plants you always end up buying more than you intended, "heh heh I only came in for water hyacinth" chuckles I to the cashier as she totals up £89.34p and gives Old Knudsen a hand loading up his car.

The double flowers look so pretty but they produce far less nectar than the single flowered varieties and ya have to look after the butterflies.

Planting tomatoes on a south facing wall is such great fun when shared with some young friends. Constantly moving home means yer neighbours never need to know yer past and while yer breaking yer parole conditions don't forget to protect those newly planted runner beans from slugs and snails like Old Knudsen did last Monday.

There is always a stack of cans to crush for recycling. Old Knudsen no longer gets paid for this task as he did in America, now he does it out of the goodness of his heart for free and gives them to a recycling company that collects them every week...... not sure why he does this.

There is also the ritual of going to the local grocery store and have the cashier look you up and down and ask with disgust, "will you be needing bags?" before begrudgingly giving you three and then tutting when you ask for more.
You aren't fucking paying for them maybe I recycle me plastic bags or don't want to look totally gheylord carrying a big reusable bag with lady birds on it.

Upon occasion Old Knudsen likes to have a few close friends round for a little soiree. Home cooking, some light jazz in the background and a ton of cheap wine doon our necks. We ask searching questions like, 'When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?' Afterwards we get oiled up and have a naked game of twister.

Then we all pile out onto the streets after midnight looking for someone who'll do matching tattoos on 8 naked oily drunk people.

The perfect start to a new day is a spot of fox hunting.  Foxes kill over 36,000 people a year in the UK so don't go feeling sorry for them, traveling doon the road at speed colliding into each other and plowing into innocent folks just trying to cross the road ........ or is that cars?  Well foxes would give ya a nasty bite if ya grabbed one.

Old Knudsen does not use horses to catch foxes he runs like the wind, sometimes he trains the odd doggie for the local gentry. Hounds aren't born knowing how to track foxes and tear them apart with their teeth, they have to be taught by example.  

Old Knudsen doesn't sit around living off benefits ya know, he teaches the young calculations and everyday wisdom and then settles doon to write another chapter or so of his latest book. 

No weekend binge drinking and hooring, oh no he gets to bed early with a hot coco.

Due to the nightmares about drowning and Old Knudsen's constant incontinence he only sleeps for 3 hours at a time.

Then its off to the streets to pick up dirty hoors and punish them for being sinners, ah but where to put the bodies?

Isn't time you cut back spring flowering bulbs and filled up yer borders with bedding plants? Get those azaleas and rhododendrons dead headed, shredding and burning all forms of ID too.

Old Knudsen is just as boring and everyday as you so don't think yer special. He puts on his tights one leg at a time.

You are more than welcum to enter Old Knudsen's humdrum existence

Me Krav Maga sparring partners all died unexpectedly , all levels of fitness accepted, remember pain is all in yer head ... and where ever else Old Knudsen hits you..... Ka - Chow!   

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Creamy Sailor Goodness

John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston put on what looked like a forced show of affection on the red carpet during the premiere of Savages in LA.

Showing that the ghey sex allegations made against him were not affecting them.

Kelly Preston stopped with the smooching and proceeded to wipe John's face. A by-stander heard her say, "John you still have sailor jizz around your mouth. " John just gave her a huge smile and said, "tastes like chicken!"

Mr Travolta who is a big fan of semen, soldiers and other serving US personnel has not commented over the allegations but his legal team has strenuously denied it.

Fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise told OBB yesterday as we met unexpectedly at the docks, "I just went through this shit and was found to be totally straight by a judge, I mean, do I look gay? I can only imagine what poor John is going through ....... have to go theres my boat."

Not sure what he was doing at the docks, Old Knudsen was there for the tight arses in bell bottoms, every boat that cums in is like a ghey pride event its wonderful.... and so filling. 


Soft Porn To Hard Scorn

New evidence has been found in the in the 1963 assassination of John F Kennedy. A serial dirty dick Kennedy cheated on his wife on numerous occasions mostly with weemen and their lapdogs.

While everyone looks towards the lone brainwashed communist, the Mafia or America's ruling elite, Old Knudsen points a stained nicotine finger at time traveling celebs.

What ya think only Old Knudsen, Dr Who and HG fucking Wells are the only time travelers? In the year 2143 Kim Kardashian rules the world with an army of Kimmy Klones ™ . Paris Hilton tried it but really if ya had to pick a sex tape to tug the lad to who would ya pick? .......... yep having an arse puts you a head.

JFK also time travels.

No doubt using the same iTravel device as Kim does. 

Everyone thought that Kim was shagging Justin Bieber but no, it was the original big haired sex machine JFK himself.

Rumour has it that Kim smelled Paris Hilton's perfume 'just me' on his shirt and Paris Hilton's 'just hoor' on his cock.

Old Knudsen doesn't deal in rumours go look at the assy knoll for the truth. 

Monday, 25 June 2012

Hitler Does A Poo Poo

No one will ever forget the time when Adolf Hitler was sitting with a classroom full of Hitler Jung (toddler version of Hitler Youth) reading 'The pet Jew' in a beautiful magic moment not at all staged for the cameras.

Suddenly the the bunker Chief of Staff walks in and whispers those fateful words, "Old Knudsen ze stormbringer has landed at Normandy and he ist pissed offen."

Adolf sits there for seven minutes with the children in an indecisive moment which he described in his book 'Mein Tod' ......... " Fick! was all I could think, I vas paralyzed with fear. Old Knudsen vill certainly jam klein Adolf up."

If you can read this post then thank a teacher, if you can read it in English then thank Old Knudsen, if the letters are all jumbled then you may be dyslectic or high ..... in that case Thank yer Gog or yer dealer.  

This oh shit! moment in history was brought by Old Bitter Balls ....... the blog that leaves an after taste in yer eye balls.


Sunday, 24 June 2012

Cheryl Cole Smells Like Egg And Onion


Not a known personality in the US but quite famous in the UK.... so not really famous then. 

Cheryl Cole is a singer and ex talent show judge with a horrible Geordie accent straight from the housing estates of Newcastle upon Tyne. 

The 28-year-old sweet heart of the British people and fashion hoor bag claims she is always being accused of farting because airplane passengers think she is too famous to care about concealing her bodily functions.

Many have claimed the same about Old Knudsen. They also say he stares at weemen's tits, smells like pish and is creepy as fcuk .............. Can you imagine such a thing?

Cole says she looks around to see who it was that farted and because she is so famous and hot everyone is looking at her with accusing eyes. 

Maybe its because she lifts up her arse cheek while she rips one off and says, "good arse I thought you were dead." 

No the secret of farting is to do it in one place and walk to somewhere else letting an unsuspecting fool walk into it. Then you return to the scene of the fart and blame them.

If you can't walk to somewhere else and its a loud obvious one then loudly proclaim in a disgusted voice, "Fuck (insert name) you stink!" even if they deny it they still look guilty . 

"Thanks Old Knudsen the next time I let off a chunky I'll blame me old ma."

You can always tell the level of fame someone is at by the news stories about them. You don't have Angelina talking about such things. 




Saturday, 23 June 2012

Flying Dead Animals

You may have heard the story about some crazy Dutchman (as if there is any other type) making a helicopter from his dead cat Orville.  Pentagon sources close to Old Knudsen have looked into taking the Orvillecopter one step forward and turning it into a military drone to serve in Afghanistan. Of course it won't be the original but dead cats are very easy to cum by. Old Knudsen is actually vying for the role of dead cat supplying contractor.  

Like the Orvillecopter the US drones will also have that surprise buttsex look on their faces to startle the enemy. Used for scoping out streets and clearing rooms they will be equipped with the usual drone vision that lets operators locate their targets and 4 Hellcat anti-personnel missiles to take out those Taliban pussies.

Manchester police are also looking into using a similar drone but with dogs as they have had several sniffer dog deaths this year and want to honour the animals by shoving a little engine up their holes.


2107 Posts And Still Going Strong

Old Knudsen meant to celebrate hitting the 2000 post mark but he just sped on by it without noticing. Is there any stopping him? On the blog since 2006 and well into those search engines. Not bad as there was a year or so there when Old Knudsen did fuck all, yon gulag had bad Interweb connection.

A force of nature is Old Knudsen, the eye of the storm in yer best china tea cup. Don't schedule tomorrow what you can post today, next week.

Happy 2107 posts and many failed ones on draft !  Old Knudsen could not have done it without you  ....... my dearest Vicodin.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Canada Death Trap

Japanese and their photos. A young woman wasted her life in a totally preventable accident when she climbed a pillar at Niagara falls for a photo op and then ironically fell at the falls about 80 feet into Niagara River.
The woman in her 20's was an exchange student from japan who studying politeness in Toronto.

As per Japanese custom the Canadian student studying in Japan was put to death. 

Though millions of visitors have visited Niagara falls without incident a group 'Niagara death trap' or NDT have calling for a ban of the beautiful cascading water feature. A theme park based on the falls would be a safer place for tourists to visit.

 Would you really like this to be banned? Only haters of nature's beauty would say yes. The woman in this picture is not Japanese but is quite found of Sushi and killing whales.

The woman's body has not been found yet though searchers have found some bloke's body they weren't expecting...... like you do. 

Niagara Parks Police Chief Doug Kane warned that the rules and regulations regarding not climbing over the safety walls are there for a reason eh?  He also urged the public to walk their dogs more as they are always the ones that find the bodies and you just never know how many there are oot there.... eh?

The Japanese weemen in this post probably aren't the one that fell to her probable death they are just what Old Knudsen would presume her to look like. 

She may also look like this.

What Do Bunnies Say?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Teenager Gets The Point

US teenager Yasser Lopez, 16, is recovering after he was hit with a spear gun by a "friend" during a Florida fishing trip .

"Mr Lopez has quite a smooth brain with not many wrinkles this helped the spear miss all the main blood vessels of the brain," neurosurgeon Ross Bullock told OBB.

The "accident" was said to be mistaken identity. Due to the amount of walkers in Florida the teen was mistaken for one as he did that slack jawed dumb look they do when a teenager has to own up to doing something wrong. Before Yasser could shrug and say, "I don't know." he was speared.

Doctors said the teenager has no memory of the alleged accident and said that the damage could have been a lot worse.  The teen could also not remember who burned a hole in the couch or who drank the last of the milk and left the carton in the fridge. 

To the mystery "friend" with the spear gun, if that was a walker you'd be ded, get yer act together. 

 Zombies or just school getting out?

I Can Smell Yer Chips!

Today is the first day of summer #tag Taps Aff!

Blurred Reality

What Old Knudsen thinks he is doing

What Old Knudsen is really doing