Thursday, 31 May 2012

Hulk Conflicted!

Pool attendant/ amateur DJ  Paulo Henrique dos Santos, from Brazil .... where the nuts cum from painted himself green to be like the Hulk for some fun run.

He couldn't get the paint he had used before during a previous venture so he used what he could get. It turned out to be paint used for ballistic missiles and nuclear submarines and he soon realised that it wasn't cumming off.

Ya think yer having a bad day then ya read about some green dude who after 20 washes still has to sleep in a room lined with plastic bags.

 The bright side is that the 35 year-old wannabe super hero doesn't appear to be suffering any ill effects .......... now lets crush that bright side.

The local press ran pictures of his mother trying to remove the paint  and referred to her as his girlfriend. 
A lovely woman Old Knudsen is sure but gurlfriend material? Old Knudsen would tap it but no date it.

It was only after a load of friends and neighbours joined in to scrub the dirty fcuker did Paulo get his old colour back, well a few shades lighter but not Michael Jackson worthy.

Oh Paulo! Jesse Jackson says yer a cunt and next time go as Powerman or some other proud black super hero. 

GOT Midget Sex?

Old Knudsen was getting fed up with everyone going on about having been an extra on the HBO TV series Game of Thrones.
Old Knudsen once fought Charlie Chaplin and won he also smelled the bathroom after Marylin Monroe took a dump on board JFK's private yacht so Old Knudsen has plenty to brag about.

Game of thrones ......... Old Knudsen is hooked, he loves the hacking people in half with swords bits , the naked weemen, the midget sex, the naked weemen , titties flapping about everywhere oh and the storyline, whatever that is. Any storyline that has naked weemen getting it doggy style every week is worth an Oscar says Old Knudsen.

Now because of GOT if Old Knudsen inquires about the price of an item in a shop he'll ask, "Is that the gold price or the iron price?"

He feels it has made him more understanding towards midgets and now calls the wee fcukers 'imp' or 'half man.'

The audition was odd but sometimes you must do odd things to get the job.

"You're a savage Old Knudsen, rape her like you mean it in a barbarian I eat horse kind of way, don't worry Emilia gets this every other scene shes used to it."

Old Knudsen put his all into the audition, she was shite though. They must have been unsure as they had to have me do another scene.

"Hes a half man and he loves the full man inside him, pump that imp."

After shagging several other cast members including a Dire wolf Old Knudsen realised that he'd auditioned for Game of Bones instead.

Next up is an audition for the BBC TV show Sherlock, except they misspelled it Shercock.


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Pretenders To The Throne

Did Old Knudsen get yer attention? Ya know the way that Old Knudsen is funny all day, sexy all night and cannae die? Well he just looked at a blog tonight and there in the comments was his very own picture with the name 'Old Bitter Balls' and a comment.

Old Knudsen read it and thought, "fcuk me I'll have to stop drinking as me blackouts are back and I'm really not funny when I drink." That last part was a shock to Old Knudsen because wise up, Old Knudsen is always funny.

No it was Old Knudsen's very own personal spammer. Old Knudsen knew that since he had turned off his comments the only thing the spammer could do was talk shite on other people's blogs. It was an obvious move and the only option available and well Old Knudsen doesn't care.

If you get a comment on yer blog feel free to delete it as Old Knudsen will not be making blog comments anymore, he has transcended to a higher level of blogging pureness, oh and if in doubt just e-mail me anyway, me mates have my e-mail address.

  This is the cunt pretending to be me.

Jealous of Old Knudsen's higher ranking on the sex offender's list and his greatness that they pretend to be him to try to emulate the magic ............. but fail.

This post is Old Knudsen's disclaimer, he shall not be mentioning the spammer ever again, no publicity is bad publicity. You cannot be great without having made some enemies, they are a testament to Old Knudsen's greatness, thank you spammers for yet more validation  ........ infect those search engines with Old Knudsen, Ka - Chow!       Suck it and see!

Florida Uncovered

Since the fatal shooting and subsequent cover up of the face eating zombie in Florida OBB has gone in search of Florida's hidden zombie subculture.

How long can the US government pass the people of Florida and even Arizona off as normal ? Containing news stories with spin about a new form of LSD .......... A government drug released on the public via America's already tainted water supply?

Levon Washington is a mild mannered petrol station employee blending into the Floridian population with his large brow and rotten over bite . His thirst for brains and his blood dripping lunchbox are the only things that give him away as being a zombie.

"Its hard out there for a walker" says levon as he admires my flat cap. "All those hot chicks think I want to fuck them and not call them again but its their brains I'm interested in not their bodies. "

Some days Levon's condition is so bad that all he can say is "braiiinnnsss" but on most days he is the model employee and manages his condition by picking off the odd stray straggler stretching a normal sized adult brain into two weeks worth of meals. "You have to be quite creative in the kitchen."  

"Don't judge me man, its not my fault its an illness"  yes Levon an illness not covered by yer health insurance, if you were a junkie you'd get more help.


Other people who would rather remain nameless tell about their married life with a zombie. "the house never gets cleaned and she ate the children but I'd just be lost without her blank expression and shuffling about" says John Doe of nowhere toon Florida.

"We got the zombie mouth spreader which stops her from biting me and happily enough it also stops her from talking. Our sex life is only getting better as her body starts to rot, so many new holes to explore."

Obama we need you to becum a hero to this oppressed minority, let them exist in a state of undeadness  but free, not looking over their shoulders in fear of decapitation. As George Clooney once said," I have a dream that my fourteen little illegitimate children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the pallor of their skin but by the amount of celebrities they can get to support their cause."

"Fcuk the people in Africa we need to be doing stem cell research to help us grow brains to feed the people who are sick with the zombie virus. Yes I have the zombie virus and so the need is more urgent than genocide in the Sudan, I've gone through 7 personal assistants and 37 new girlfriends."

Quick ladies its yer last chance to fcuk George Clooney before his cock becums limp and mushy.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Who Would Have Guessed That Florida Is Full Of Zombies?

It starts with a news report here and another there all explained away as Satanism or drugs.

A naked man was shot dead by Miami police as he chewed at the face of another naked man..... just another day in Florida.

The police officer on the scene commanded the zom er I mean the naked face eater to get off the  unconscious naked dude.
A witness added, “The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth. And he growled.”

The officer fired, but the man continued to chew, prompting him to continue shooting, eventually killing him....... with a head shot maybe?  

The victim was missing 75 - 80% of his face and is in critical condition  ......... a word of advice,  keep him under close observation and with an axe handy. 

This case was explained away as the face chewer being on a new form of LSD.

Old Knudsen doesn't believe it because before you know it.

OMG Ben Stiller finally cums out as being a zombie. Co-stars get concerned as they screen kissed Stiller or shared the toilet on his trailer. How can it be ? hes so nice and hes married for fcuks sake!

Yon gurl that was covered in blood that you had sex with, maybe she was a zombie.  How can we tell?

 Have you traveled to Florida in the last 5 years or have gotten any recent tattoos ?  How long can they keep this zombie apocalypse under wraps for? 

Should I go round to someone I suspect of being a zombie and confront them with my fears?  

Nay ya should remove the hed and destroy the brain but don't get carried away. Just because yer neighbour is playing loud music at 3am doesn't make them a potential zombie though there are many valid reasons for killing yer neighbours without the old 'I thought they were a zombie' excuse. 

Go to and search for Old Knudsen's 'Many valid reasons for killing yer neighbours' ......... some of them are technically legal as well. 

 Is anyone safe?

Define safe. Keep yer wits about you and don't panic. 

The government will eventually cum out with a statement saying there is nothing to worry about and that the situation has been contained, that is when you should give up all hope and start to panic. Yer music loving neighbour then becums fair game.  

Androids Used In Modern Warfare

I'll get one of the air force guys to figure it out for me, maybe set Lady Ga Ga on my ringtone

The US military do like to spend the money, not only do they want to have combat tough iPhones now they find that they need combat survivable flame retardant gloves too ..... Its always something with those Yanks. Oh and cammo coloured cases for each branch of the services while yer at it.

Never mind Smartphones when Old Knudsen served Queen and cuntry we thought calculators were smart, they could do sums and you could turn them upside doon and write BOOBS.

When fighting the fuzzies Old Knudsen did not feel the need to update his Facebook status, "Omg sum1 S lk 100% shootin @ me, nt QL."

Old Knudsen is as hard as iron and his trombone is rusty as fcuk!   

Soldier 1: "Did you see that?    Soldier 2: what?

Soldier 1: Explosion I just pissed my pants.    Soldier 2: Who gives a flying fuck?

Soldier 1: What are you doing?    Soldier 2: Tits on Old Bitter Balls not now chief I'm in the fucking zone.

Soldier 1: You fucking asshole    Soldier 2: Fuck off and die 

Its fcuking shite says Old Knudsen, its bad enough that you have to wait in a shop until someone puts doon their phone before they serve you now you have to wait for people to update their Twatter before you begin combat, unless its an ambush of course but that would be kind of rude.  

Speaking of rude don't get Old Knudsen started on them iPoddy things, ya cannae shout random abuse at people any more because the fcukers can't hear you. Ignoring people has gone from being an art form to becoming the norm. 

Soldier 1: Did you see that?    Soldier 2: Big shit eating grin.

Monday, 28 May 2012

More Fight Club To Not Talk About

More Old Knudsen fight club pics. If you could fight anyone at anytime who would it be? Justin Bieber needs it for being a wee child that things hes a playa, so annoying with his hair hat and gurly blow job lips.

Mark Zuckerberg for Timeline and messing with Facebook settings all the time. Also fer being a bit creepy .... its the hair cut and the whole same crap clothes everyday thing. His wife has a small ring ya know.... tight!  Facebook stocks fell on the same day he got married .... makes ya think huh.

Mitt Romney. Old Knudsen cannae keep track what he is for and what he isn't, he keeps changing his mind to get the votes then there is the whole, 'all us Christians should stick together' thing many Christian groups don't want to touch the Mormons with a stick, nice try Mitt. Oh and he hates weemen and has converted all yer dead ancestors to Mormonism whether you like it or not .

Yer Ma for being a cockasidal maniac. Padlock that blurt ya horny she witch. Yer ma is such a squirter she'd give an Archer fish a run for it's money. Her nick name is the human super soaker. 

For the full fightclub list either search me blog archives or friend me on Facebook, no trolls allowed.  

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Last Nite

Old Knudsen won it big on the horses but money is nay good unless you spend it, you cannae take it with you when you die ya know ............ well unless you shove it into yer rectum but no once you do yer death shit it would cum out, totally got Old Knudsen thinking here. You could swallow it or make a few cuts and insert it under yer skin.

To revise that expression, Money: You can take it with you when you die.

So, Saturday or 'fight nite' as its known round here. Old Knudsen gets his best polo shirt on as that is what all the cool kids are wearing, he washes his bits but still has to pile on the deodorant, the last thing a lass sucking Old Knudsen off wants to smell is yer ma.

His best troosers .......... they cover me arse and have the least stains and then Old Knudsen slips into his dancing shoes. Black trainers as the discotheque Old Knudsen goes to has high standards of dress.

Old Knudsen can balance on a high wire or kick doon a brick wall in these shoes and they were at an affordable price to.

So Old Knudsen walks over to his main bitch's hoose. Her name is Betty, Old Knudsen saw her bend over in the street when she dropped something and it was 'I'd tap that' at first sight. 

A nice gurl ........... well she was before Old Knudsen got her. The sexiest thing about her is her fake tan. Fake tans are fcuking hot! you can tell they are fake right away as they look nothing like a real tan but for some reason they really give me the horn, am I right or what fellas?

So much effort to get her hole, doesn't she know that men are easy? 

The local disco was alive, a line of sad individuals waiting to pay homage to the thick necked doorman who has the god like power of who to turn away and who to let in.

The meat market which is the name of the disco is excessively loud and quite dim but you don't go there for conversation. Old Knudsen is a big fan of the DJ.

 MC DV Ain't ........ get it? oh it is very clever.  He is very hardcore and does some lovely tunes ya can sing along to.

Its very hard to get served at the bar in the meat market unless yer a hot chick of course. Old Knudsen solved that problem by finding out the dirty secrets of the bar tenders also having to set a couple up with compromising photographs.

 Brenda here is only 14 ya dirty pedo.   Shes had a hard life get off her back........... hotdog!

Old Knudsen is king of the meat market. My date Betty has only known Old Knudsen for 2 weeks and already she is yammering on about marriage. Old Knudsen told her that he was already married, several times over in fact, divorces cost too much and go on for too long so why bother? just lie to yer wives and go behind their backs ..... Old Knudsen believes that the institution of marriage is in danger of becoming less of a sacred oath of love if yon gheyers are allowed to marry then again why should they miss out on being miserable?

Maybe all this marriage talk is a ploy to catch Old Knudsen off guard and she is really going to dump him ........... sure it doesn't make sense but it suits Old Knudsen's fear of commitment. Old Knudsen also has a fear of rejection so I suppose he had better dump her first.

We danced long into the night, Old Knudsen getting many glances of admiration from the others on the dance floor. Some of them must of thought my moves were impossible and incredible as Old Knudsen heard from a few of them, "What the fcuk?"

We also drank until everyone was our best fcuking mate then it was off to the chinky for a gravy chip.

It mustn't have been made right but ah well better out than in. Old Knudsen then busted Betty's brown star over a wheelie bin in an alleyway on Charlton street ........... but being a gentleman Old Knudsen refuses to give you animals any inappropriate details so fcuk off.  

The question of the day is how does Old Knudsen go about dumping her? I'm not telling her to her face as that usually leads to them begging Old Knudsen then you have the odd one that tries to kill Old Knudsen because if she can't have Old Knudsen then nobody can have Old Knudsen.

What if Old Knudsen goes round for a quickie and then when he leaves text her? Nah won't work since Old Knudsen doesn't have a cellulite phone.
Write a note and then after the nasty sex  Old Knudsen leaves it on her dresser? ..... nah not friendly enough.
Since Old Knudsen didn't friend her on Facebook I suppose it has to be an e-mail maybe with a smiley face to perk her up as she'll be heart broken ........... poor lass.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Super Soaker Death Ray

Randy Smith, 54, was found walking the streets of Fresno, Callyfornia on a Saturday night, carrying a Super Soaker like ya do. A grown man has such rights I do believe and no one should question his motives in carrying one. A little fun chasing his giggling friends as they squirt water at each other .... in the dark on a Saturday night.


The Gestapo like Fresno police stopped him and found that Mr Smith had  fashioned a powerful weapon out of $30 worth of parts.

Inside the Super Soaker  was a barrel that Smith had turned into a zip gun, a crude improvised firearm where you can fire off one round, in this case it was a 20-gauge shotgun shell. These weapons are usually so unstable and shoddy that they are of as much danger to the shooter as well as the target.

Smith has been in and out of prison since 1994, now its time to go back and learn something else . Thanks to Smith super soakers will now be seen as potential deadly weapons so while Old Knudsen merely fills his up with pish for his Saturday night fun he may be stopped by the pigs. Always some cunt to spoil yer fun.

 Ach ya cannae have a post with someone named Randy mentioning super soakers without.

A woman with giant tits in a wet t-shirt. Old Knudsen likes tits :::::sigh::::::

When Mr Smith is in the prison showers and someone says, "Are you randy?" what is the safe answer for him? 

A: Yes I'm Randy
B: No I'm not Randy
C: No I'm horny
D: Lets get this over with, enjoy the herpes
E: I'll fcuking kill all 5 of yous if ya cum near me with those quite impressive erections
F: Do you want to be the mummy or the daddy?

More super soaker fun though this fella's super soaker looks to be more like a limp dribbler.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Old Knudsen Sees Yous

Even though Old Knudsen doesn't have his comments enabled ........ some peeps get a blog confused with a chatty room or a forum. Also Old Knudsen hasn't given many of yous his e-mail address but he is still very interested in the sick kind of fcuk that reads his blog.

Old Knudsen glanced at his world map today and saw tossers spread all around the world, South America, North America, that part in between with all the trouble that aid agencies ignore, Africa, India, Gurly boy land, Europe where ever the fcuk that is and also Australia, Viking land, The polite part of North America and Sandsavage land.

Little islands like the UK, New Zealand and Hawaii need a shout out Old Knudsen feels. Then there is that cunt up in yon Alaska, Sarah Palin you stalker, Old Knudsen's cock will no bless you a 40 th time get over it. What you had when I shagged you was special, move on.    

When Old Knudsen looks at his map he also sees the numerous hidden military bases, level SG-19 clearance only which is why Old Knudsen can see yous.... The swallows have nested ....... work that yin out military intelligence ... yes that title is an oxymoron, intelligence in the military is like expecting to find some in yer elected government, not going to happen.  

What amazes Old Knudsen the most is the amount of non- English speaking people that search for sex, tits, old man sex , horse fucker, midget sex and the favourite one .... fuck.   They also misspell them, bless their horny hearts.

 Keep on readin, Old Knudsen knows what you sick fcuks like.... Oh and shame on you all... Time to go and feed the parakeet.   


Cornel West is  a Princeton University professor and supposed intellectual. Old Knudsen doesn't like him as he is one of those dickheads hung up on colour and slavery. Everything ends up being about race with this man which shows you can have a massive education but yer issues will still make you as dumb as fcuk.
West was going on about how crap Obama is (would Romney be any better?) saying that Obama is too worried about his legacy to be able to do his job.

Old Knudsen got to thinking about legacy.

Even Angelina showed her legacy its obviously an issue many think about.

The thing is that people have the memories of goldfish and history gets lost on them, its like those people that read an e-mail and only pick up on the last two lines. 

These are the same people who pretend to like the Foo Fighters because its a cool band to like and it gives you instant cool reward points. 

Mention to many of these people under the age of 30 that Dave Grohl was in a group called Nirvana you'll either get, "No fcuking way, really?" or "Never heard of Nirvana what did songs did they do?" 
Its sad but there you have it, they most likely know Grohl for guest appearing as the dancey dance friend in the children's stoner show Yo Gabba Gabba. 

Instead of Grohl's legacy being Nirvana or having a great career afterwards it will be

Go crazy go crazy go crazy go crazy.

So what will Obama's legacy be?

Its a no brainer, he was the first black American president and breaking that race barrier ...... even though hes half white but lets not get hung up on colour who are we Cornel West ? Ya can't please that fella.

He'll get remembered for flying planes into the twin towers ....... shoulda changed yer name.

Maybe he'll be remembered for shooting his name alike Osama, the one that George Bush couldn't find.

What about for being cool? there has only been one other president who has had the cool factor as Obama has and that was Bill Clinton. 

Whose legacy was fcuking a fat chick and tugging one off into a sink.   

Obama has been compared to Jimmy Carter. A one term president that was on the whole pretty useless. Thanks to the incompetent Republicans Obama will get another term but he isn't useless, more like idealistic and overwhelmed.

To quote Cornal West "A shite dancer and a mediocre basket ball player, I've heard that his dick is less than 8 inches long which makes him a disgrace to us black fellas .... I bet he never yells at movies and hates fried chicken-izzle."     Ok he didn't really say that but he might have.

Old Knudsen knows that his own legacy won't be for saving the world countless times or shagging yer ma, yes Old Knudsen probably is yer real Da. For Old Knudsen will be remembered as being the greatest blogger of all time. 

You won't remember why Old Knudsen is so great because all you'll remember are the odd choice picture from his blog.

Old Knudsen forgives you. For yer legacy will be having an Interweb search history that would make a priest blush .......... oh and a sticky keyboard.