Monday, 30 April 2012

You Look Like A Dick Not A Cowboy

When did plaid shirts go from being cool and manly as worn by on the edge LA cops.

No nonsense fcuk you up zombies.

 Gang bangers in da hood.

Tough as nails lumberjacks in high heels.

 With big choppers.


Gurly gurls

 Ho bags with ruffles and ..........

Soft as shite gurly guys?

Please re-think yer plaid as well not everyone can pull it off.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Reality Bites

Monday, 23 April 2012

Let Them Eat Cake!

Tory MP Nadine Dorries took a swipe at her own party leader and his evil toady. Speaking on the BBC's Daily Politics programme which is about daily politics which happen everyday she said that David Cameron and George Osborne are "arrogant posh boys" who do not understand the lives of ordinary people.

She went on to say they had "no remorse, no contrition and no passion to want to understand the lives of others "............. a little harsh don't ya think? true but harsh.

She also said that they, " don't understand the price of milk" Old Knudsen does understand the price of milk because milk has to have a price otherwise you'd have anarchy, pedos prowling the streets and a nation of functioning alcoholics addicted to idiot reality talent shows ........... no wait we do have that and proud of it we are.

Old Knudsen does not know the price of milk as he usually just hides things under his coat and walks out. Shops are like libraries but with security. 


I Like Big Butts And I Can't Deny

What a couple, Kim Kardashian and new boyfriend Kanye West are. Two of the biggest egos in the celebrity world . Yes Old Knudsen knows that this relationship is mostly for publicity oh look they just happen to be walking about the street.

Can you imagine these two having sex?

Kim: "Oh yeah baby I bet you like this"

Kanye: "Yeah honey but I bet you like this more"

Kim:  "I bet no one makes you as hard as I do cos I'm so hot"

Kanye: "Well I'm so hot I get hard just looking in the mirror"

Then you have the competition to see who can make the other cum the most. Kanye has a mirrored table in his hoose and it isn't to snort drugs off its so he can look at himself while watching himself on TV .

Kim: "Does this make my ass look big?"

Kanye:  "Well yeah you got serious junk in the trunk, your ass looks massive"

Kim: "Good" 

Hold on there I have to stop you. I know Kim has a big bootylicious set of curvaceous buttocks and I'm happy for the man that gets to tap it but J-Lo has the best butt of all time.

Her farts smell like a summer meadow. 

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Dude Wheres My Glock?

Police officers doing the 'police stand' sometimes you can tuck yer hands in the sides of yer flack jacket depending on the style of it. Do ya no have pockets!

A big- ish issue in Northern Ireland was a police officer from the Police Service of Northern Ireland (PSNI) who left his gun belt behind in a house after they raided it.

The belt contained his glock pistol, pepper spray, cuffs, flashlight and probably a boomerang and a zip line like yon Batman fella has.
The raid was in North Belfast on the home of an Irish Republican Socialist Party activist, in other words a shit stirrer who love the terrorists.
You'd think that leaving yer gun behind was bad enough but no 'it was left sitting on a bed of a child'

The police officer noticed his lack of a service firearm when he went to pistol whip a disabled puppy and returned to the house 20 minutes later, "Er can we have our gun back please?"

The dissident republican trouble maker Eddie Campbell wasn't home for the search his wife was but had to go to get the kids from school.
A family friend let the police back in when they returned saying they had left some 'kit' behind. The friend Paul * Slasher* Little went up with the officers and so witnessed where the gun was.

Things you just can't deny.

There were no kids in the hoose but it was on a child's bed! of all the places that sounds bad to leave a gun.

Peelers with their guns but they do look a little lost. One of them performs the 'Police half stand' with his hand in his flack jacket. 

So moron of the year goes to the gun-less policeman. Why would you take off yer gun belt during a raid? To crawl under a bed maybe? Too fat and uncomfortable to wear it? Children's beds and cots are well known places that terrorist types hide guns and bombs so back off the outrage a tad.

Not realising you had it on you when you left was maybe a result of the adrenaline rush after the raid ............ nah fcuk that yer an idiot and got caught being one and no doubt yer fellow officers will be kind enough to remind you for years to cum. "Got yer gun with you?" 

The republicans won't let you forget it. Lucky it wasn't found before the police came back, "wot gun? I never saw no gun".

The officer may be facing disciplinary action due to this but he is still on active duty. Do they not suspend them until the hearing? suspension is not a punishment but is a safety procedure so what the fcuk?

In normal work places an employee gets suspended if being investigated. The PSNI should realise that the spotlight is forever on them as it is on other police forces.

In Northern Ireland three police firearms were lost or stolen from 2005-2008. 

An officer was disciplined after leaving his gun in a supermarket toilet in 2008. Staff found it making sure to wash their hands afterwards and said that the officer needs more fiber in his diet and didn't flush . He'd forget his own head if it wasn't screwed on.   

Another gun was reported stolen by an officer from his home, but recovered in the house. "Fcuk wheres my car keys? fcuk wheres my gun? I can't find it anywhere ..... damn you Tequila, no wait it must have been stolen by those hookers last night".  

The third was lost after an officer said he left it in his locker on retirement. Let Old Knudsen guess, he was quite attached to that thing and his home has not been searched. 

* Slasher* was added for dramatic bias


Sunday, 15 April 2012

My Blood Presure Gets Higher Than Yer Rockets

In memory of his father's many failed rocket launches Kim Jung Un launched his bigger and harder long range missile that disintegrated within minutes of liftoff. Old Knudsen's cock stays up longer than a North Korean rocket.
Yes the world is mocking you yet again North Korea, you and yer silly over sized hats. Now the US is cutting yer food stamps cos you were silly buggers.

Kim who is a dedicated body builder is known as the 'Strong man of the rice triangle' to save face after his rocket failure he may have to blow some shit up or say something distracting about Obama's birth certificate being false .

Another Kim made the news as she was in court to testify that a home laser hair-removal system worked as she claimed it did.
Under oath she said,  "Being Armenian and hairy, I thought TRIA was the perfect product."

Old Knudsen can second that. He only has to visit her hoose for 5 minutes and he is picking hairs out of his teeth for weeks.  

Friday, 13 April 2012

Courtney Love Spreads The Love

Courtney Love posted on her Twatter account saying Dave Grohl the 43 year-old married father of two former drummer of Nirvana and current lead singer of some band named Foo Fighters hit on her daughter Frances Bean Cobain.

Now if you've heard any Foo Fighter songs or seen the videos you'd be right in thinking that Dave Grohl is almost as cool as Old Knudsen.

Here we are at the 'save the orphaned puppy' photo shoot.

Frances Bean Cobain who has recently gotten engaged replied to the Twatter post “I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy.” and she added that her mum should not be allowed on Twatter.... with ya there . "Don't Twat high" that is the moral of this story.


A spokesman for Grohl has denied the post as "upsetting, offensive and absolutely untrue." This kinda shit does go towards Grohl's previous theory that Love contributed to Kurt's suicide by encouraging hard core drug use and well just being a slappy junkie cunt.

Nice try Courtney but even yer own daughter is saying wise up. On a side note, Old Knudsen has hit on the 19 year-old Frances Bean Cobain on many of occasions, not only did he get no where (she must be ghey)  but he also did not get a mention on Twatter.


Sunday, 8 April 2012

2012 Years Later

The miracle of the resurrection explained as found in the undead sea scrolls. 

"Jesus! get the door will ya? its Issac from the block looking to get healed".

"Verily I shall open the door Peter known as Paul Simon for if they knock then it shall be answered, unless I'm at the shops. What manner of ailment does Issac have?"

"The silly cunt was scratched by a rage infected helper monkey and it totally fcuked up his complexion."

Jesus opens the door

"Ah Issac I hear you caught something off your monkey you dirty boy, ah yes thanks for the hug I love you too, AAHHH!!  whats with the fcuking biting man? ya took a chunk out of my fcuking neck. PETER Issacs a fcuking nutcase deity down I repeat deity down !"

Peter leaps over the couch he was lying on, sword drawn ready for action 

"Fcuk with my peeps I'll fcuk you up man."

Slices into Issac's neck, head goes thud onto the ground 

"Fcuk, fcuk fcuk I'm bleedin " cried Jesus.

Peter looks down at the wriggling son of god, "why don't you just heal yourself?"

Jesus stares up through watery eyes, "why don't you fcuk off, its harder than it looks, ah fcuk I think Judas saw you chopping Issac we'd better get this body moved or the Romans will be round FCUK THIS HURTS!!!!"

"Ah Jesus you'd better go and change your robes we're eating out at the Olive Garden tonight, ya know the last supper before John, Tom, Ringo and Mat go off to college." 

Which explains how Jesus came back to life after being proper killed by the Romans and at fcuking Easter time too, bad luck mate. Then he got beamed up to Heaven but before he went he made the promise, "I'll be back".


Saturday, 7 April 2012

The Trafalgar Square Slaughter


Police are asking the public for information on a public lynching that happened in Trafalgar square on Good Friday.

The half naked man was beaten, whipped and stabbed before being nailed to wooden beams. The torture of this poor man was seen by thousands including children, many of which will now have to attend therapy.  

These bastards should not be allowed to get away with this! The line of investigation that the police are following is that it could be connected with Satanism as many in the crowd encouraged each other in the baying for blood and well its just not right it sounds very Satany. 

Whats next a priest showing ghey porn to a load of primary school kids during a presentation at their school and then telling them they should donate money to the church? ........... No wait Father Martin McVeigh did that last week. 

There are some sick fcukers out there people, stay sharp, stay safe.



Friday, 6 April 2012

Why Men Hate Me For Being Fcuking Gleaming

Inspired by Samantha Brick

On a recent trip to the supermarket I was delighted when a woman with a tray of  snacks came over to me and offered me one. Yer probably thinking, 'what a lovely surprise' but it wasn't to me.

Throughout my adult life Old Knudsen has had many weemen offering him all sorts of goods and services. While waiting in line at the doctors office (me rash came back) the pretty receptionist asked, "whose next please?" she knew I was next the dirty wee tramp. Then the other day in the chip shop the lady looked around at the customers who had ordered and looked at me and asked, "Are ya getting?" .......... sexual harassment right there!

I suppose Old Knudsen's pleasing appearance simply made their day.

Now Old Knudsen is no George Clooney. I'm unconventionally good looking in a bit of rough from behind kind of way, with muscular shoulders and eyes that see into yer very soul.

But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other men hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks. Having great wit, intellect and a huge cock is just icing on their hate cake.

If you’re a man reading this, I bet that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering... I hate you haters.
For while many doors have been opened as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.

I’m not smug and I’m no flirt .......... though you do have very pretty eyes,  yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely on their blog .... Issues!

You'd think other men would applaud Old Knudsen for being what they cannot be and for their weemen folk feeling horny again, even if its not for them.

C'mon lads don't hate me cos I walk with confidence and take a pride in my appearance which reminds me with the warmer weather its almost warm enough to wash me hidden world of pleasure. 

Weemen do throw their knickers at me but Old Knudsen cannae wear those skimpy wee  things. I'm sick of saying , "I wasn't looking at yer wife she was looking at me, now thats out in the open wanna a three way?"

Its difficult being so lovely difficult being what weemen and many men want.

Me therapist says its because Old Knudsen invokes the closet gheyness in men and they feel so conflicted at wanting Old Knudsen and hating themselves for it...... it could very well be so.

Old Knudsen welcomes a decline in his looks so maybe other blokes will finally stop judging him so harshly on what he looks like but that is never going to happen, even Old Knudsen's turds are sexy.

They hated Jesus for being beautiful and Old Knudsen has that same cross to bear.  


Thursday, 5 April 2012

Media Bias And Spin

So when Trayvon Martin was shot for allegedly standing about looking innocent with a packet of skittles and an ice tea the media cried "racism" because Trayvon was only 17 and the shooter was Hispanic.
Old Knudsen ignored the race shite and noticed they showed pictures of Trayvon looking very young (it was taken when he was 12) holding a baby.... only a puppy could have been sweeter.

They ignored the pictures of a current looking Trayvon with his shirt off flipping the bird and doing gang signs. They ignored the fact that Trayvon AKA No_Limit_Nigga on Twitter was 6 '3 foot tall and 160 LBS.

Then there was the blood on the shooter's  (Robert Zimmerman) head consistent with his head being banged off the concrete in a fight for self defense .... just as he had said.   

 The picture the media released of 5'9 tall Robert Zimmerman was the one on the left taken in 2005, not the smiling chappy on the right studying law and being a neighbourhood watch man. 

NBC edited Zimmerman's 911 call and made him sound as if there was a racial motive for the shooting ........ caught out NBC.. HA! 

The truth is being slowly leaked out despite the media bias and the idiots marching in hoodies 30 seconds after it happened.

Old Knudsen called it on day one.  

The media have been lied to enough....  Don't piss on Old Knudsen's leg and tell him its raining.

Smoke The Recession Away

To help the world's economy Old Knudsen will do a commercial for a high price item, 'cigarettes.'

Called cigarettes in most of the world in the UK they are often called fags which is very confusing if you go on the website . What the fcuk  does god know?

Look how cool the man in the above picture looks and how he also appears a little younger than his 48 years thanks to the cool factor built into every pack.

A study has also proven that hot weemen love men that smoke cigarettes. You often get cigarette groupies depending upon which brand you smoke.

Cigarettes also make you sexy. 

Mothers!  can't get yer baby to quiet doon? just blow some refreshing smoke in it's face and yer baby will settle.

Got a chesty cough? A few puffs on a fag will sort you out.

Trying to stop masturbating? A smoking habit is less of a social taboo as you can smoke while watching the kiddies play in the school yard but not tug the lad.

Chances are that yer Hollywood heroes like to smoke. Wouldn't you like to get bitten by his nicotine stained fangs?  ...... Doesn't he look cool?

Don't listen to people that say cigarettes give you cancer.

Every other week doctors say one thing gives you cancer and then change their minds the week later. The truth is that medicine isn't a science, its a theory and doctors are in the vast conspiracy to keep people sick in order to sell their drugs.

Old Knudsen sees a woman with another hole as a bonus, yes he always tends to look on the bright side, no issue about swallowing or not swallowing then.

Smoking is a thing the whole family can do together and you'll no need to redecorate yer home as the steady application of fags will do it for you and dirty yellow never goes out of style.

Go out now to yer bank and get a loan so you too can smell like the world's elite .    



Royal Robots

In a move inspired by the 1972 film 'The Stepford wives' the royal family have been killed and replaced with robots..... all except Harry who is too much of a free spirit and they can't get his nose right nor the proper shade of ginger.  

In a statement by George Osborne the Chancellor of the Exchequer: "This move is one of many austerity measures we must endure to protect this nation's economy. The royal robots have been in use over the past 3 months and no one noticed so I think this will be a tremendous success and cost cutting venture."    

He went on to remind the poor, old and sick that he had not forgotten about them and they will get services cut and a rise in taxes soon. 
He also gave out a stark warning. "Anyone giving aid to Camilla Duchess of Cornwall will feel the full force of my execution squads .......... Come in from the cold Camilla its for the best." 


Old Knudsen discovered pictures of earlier versions of the Will and Kate robots. These bots will still be used when traveling to Commonwealth cuntries and Ireland and anywhere else that doesn't really matter. 

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

US Invades Australia

200 crack US Marines have landed in Darwin, northern Australia in the first of yet another invasion. Australia has no nukes or running water, its main export is foul tasting beer called 'Fosters' that even the locals won't drink and also actors that can do America accents better than the Americans. 

Australia's Defence Minister Stephen Smith was too drunk to comment about the invasion as it happened during lunch time when the majority of Australians are inebriated.

Marine Colonel Hubert Cutler said: "Operation 'Rape and burn' was a total success, the free six packs of lager given to children as a token of friendship has won the hearts and the minds of the people."

"Every town near a Marine base in the US always complains about the fights and other crimes caused by Marines but we think that the Australians won't even notice. "

Old Knudsen just hopes that when the Aussies sober up ......... If such a thing is possible that they don't pick on the marines too much. 


Challenge To The Russians

Anna Chapman the Russian spy is now said to have gotten close to a top U.S. intelligence official causing the spy hunters to get nervous.

Old Knudsen is bound to have more intelligence than an American and so throws doon the gauntlet to Ms Chapman inviting her to pump him as hard as she wants for information. The only thing she'll get him to spill is his seed .... You'll no find any intelligence in Old Knudsen's sperm!

Old Knudsen has never cracked during an interrogation, yeah well ok it was Old Knudsen doing most of the interrogating but there was that time with yon Nazis, Old Knudsen didn't crack then he calmly told them all they needed to know but that is different.   

Old Knudsen awaits yer call.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Being Old Knudsen

In light of recent posts on Old Bitter Balls, a think tank was set up to figure out why Old Knudsen keeps posting that William Shatner has died.

The conclusion of this is as follows.

(1) Nope we've got nothing.
(2) Prescription medication.
(3) I only look at his blog to see tits, WTF?

 Fair enough.

You have more chance of curing the common cold than figuring the actions of Old Knudsen.

Old Knudsen would like to take this opportunity to offer his sympathies to the family of Liam Neeson aged 59 who was found in his New York home masturbating to sheep porn.

Rage Infected Shatner

Update on the death of TV and movie leg-end William Shatner. After dying tragically in his Malibu home Mr Shatner started to twitch and monologue in a speedy rant much reminiscent of his Star trick days .
It soon became apparent that the BJ Hooker star had become a flesh eating zombie. Ticket holders for the Shatner world stage show starting 10 th March in LA have been told that there will be no change to the scheduled performances.

Police around Shatner's Malibu home are warning the public to be on the look out for a rage infected Brittany and on no account approach her for autographs.