Wednesday, 29 February 2012

A Woolly Jumper?

A sheep, which is thought to have been the oldest in the world, has died just before her 26th birthday after falling over a 150ft cliff.
Twiggy the sexy blackface brown arsed ewe was found dead on rocks on Garry Beach on Lewis in the Western Isles of Scotland .......... A land made famous for its love of sheep by Sir Walter Scott.

Police do not suspect fowl play though several chickens have been found choked at farms in the surrounding area. 

Maybe it didn't push back hard enough.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Lord Lucan Found

Its all true Lord Lucan the aristocrat who went missing in 1974 after allegedly (he totally did it) beating his children's nanny to death and battering his wife with a lead pipe is alive and well living in Africa. Recently a watch of his was found by an antiques dealer in South Africa and now there is a story that 2 British engineers saw him in an African pub 12 years ago.

The fcuker is still there! If you want to place a bet at the bookies the odds are at 8 - 1 that he is found alive in Africa. Since he was a lord an all with rich friends it seems that justice wasn't much of a priority then and so it was suggested he drown himself in the English channel, case closed and he was declared dead in 1999.
Sandra Rivett the 29 year-old nanny has gone the way of Mary Jo Kopechne the 28 year-old campaign assistant killed by a drunken Ted Kennedy in 1969  ..... Expendable bodies cast aside by the rich and powerful.

Other famous people have been found in African pubs too.

Steve Fossett you old faker anything for a quiet drink away from that dick Richard Branson. A couple of bones matching Fossett were found at Fossett's crash site but its not like DNA is an actual science so can it really be evidence? Old Knudsen thinks not.  A millionaire may of had extra bones or even a clone grown for this purpose or dug up a relative with the same DNA.

WHAT? Jimmy Hoffa! Old Knudsen is going to have to find himself a new African pub as this one is attracting the wrong kind of crowd.


Friday, 24 February 2012

Swept Off Her Feet

Old Knudsen met a lovely lady at a local social club, we got talking and I must say a little bit of flirting did go on. The night was getting late then she looked right into Old Knudsen's eyes and said, "I'm gonna have a piss than after that you ya wanna go back you your place for a night cap?". Old Knudsen is a sucker for womanly charm so he agreed dooning his drink to give him courage for what was to cum.

The walk home was difficult as she pinned Old Knudsen to many a wall in order to insert her tongue into his cavity filled mouth. "Ach I'm no just a piece of meat" said Old Knudsen feeling that yet again he was picked up for his beauty and not his brains. She unzipped Old Knudsen's troosers and took a hold of his huge erect blood filled penis, "and what a fine piece of meat you have".

Old Knudsen blushed, she seemed ever so shy at the club, must be when the fresh hit her.

The pair reached Old Knudsen's chateau and tumbled in. She sneezed as she caught a whiff of the ocean breeze air freshener, it was to mask the smell of cat piss as Old Knudsen's house is constantly invaded by a ginger tom from 2 doors doon..... must have a fcuking key the wee shite.

Old Knudsen looked at whats her name, her ample boobage and tight fitting dress, the tacky hand tattoos her dark eyes that see all but notices nothing but her own reflection.  He allowed himself a cocky smile.
 "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she giggled "time to ride that big cock of yours?"

Old Knudsen reached behind him and locked the door. "No I'm gonna cut off yer feet."


Iran? Old Knudsen Never Runs

Old Knudsen is faced with stupidity, apathy, incompetence and incontinence everyday. Do people wake up and go out of their way to piss off Old Knudsen? he thinks so. Maybe there is a class at university in which you are taught how to be mind numbingly moronic. "I have a degree in annoying Old Knudsen" It must be a popular class.

So much fail in the world to choose from that Old Knudsen will pick one of the nations we are about to go to war with.
Iran who has been a minor bad guy on the world stage for ages is yet again being a cunt.We know their prisons are full of people accused of spying .

Like the extremely hot Roxana Saberi who was jailed for 3 months and all the not so hot ones who you probably won't hear about.

We also know they harass ships near their waters by lying and saying they are in their waters and that they once captured 15 wussy British sailors and marines and paraded them about before releasing them.

Passive aggressive shit. Should they have nuclear weapons or even nuclear power? Old Knudsen thinks not as they are stupid and a little crazy.
No one wants to go to war with them but it seems inevitable. It will be very messy and knowing the west it will be a half arsed job. Bomb them don't invade!

Here is what has Old Knudsen's goat up. Iran sent 2 warships into the Mediterranean and through the Suez canal for the first time since 1979 who knows where they are going?

What Iran has said. The mission is to display "the might" of Iran to regional countries and Tehran's "message of peace and friendship".

When Old Knudsen sees Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on the street he will make sure he gives him a friendly, peaceful punch on the back of the head.

Ach so much stupid. In theory Iran should be allowed to go wherever it wants and have civilian nuclear power........... Would you let someone that looks like a pedo near a school?

 If I saw these three I'd call the police. Yes I know, looks can be deceptive for instance.

Cars that turn into killer robots. Old Knudsen has to key many a car to check they are not robots in disguise.

Also hot chicks whom you'd assume that because she is hot she be really good in bed. Old Knudsen was greatly disappointed.

If ya wanna great shag from a chick that does the heap then try Susan Boyle. Just say Old Knudsen sent ya, she is on Old Knudsen's speed dial for a booty call.

Stock up on ammo and tins of beans people, thanks to Iran its gonna be a long stupid one ..... for the love of Gog.  

Tuesday, 21 February 2012


A proud time for Ulster. The Ulster hero Cu Chulainn is cumming to the big screen in an epic tell all about his life. 
Like Mary in yon Bible Cu Chulainn's ma was raped by a god. Did you know that over 60% of deity rapes go unreported?  Lugh the long arm was said to be responsible but it was hushed up as these things usually are.

Norn Iron is proud of its historical fact and paints it on walls for tourists and the like to see. You can see by this just how long the Troubles have been going on for.... Fcuking Irish! cumming up to the north of Ireland which as we know was never Ireland, it was only called Northern Ireland as an ironic joke its always been a part of the United Kingdom like duh. The name Ulster is an old English name, it comes from the Middle English for for Paddy which cums from the surfs who grew rice for the kings. Anyone who watches the history channel should know all of this.   

Micheal Fassbender is to play the *Celtic* hero the hound of Ulster ........ known as the hound because he arrived late for a party and killed the host's guard dog when it attacked him. He felt bad and so took the place of the guard dog until a replacement was reared. Cu Chulainn was quite skilled in licking his own balls and catching Frisbees by the time he left. 

All brave men of Ulster should welcome the movie as it will no doubt contain lots of shagging, some cattle rustling and some weemen and children getting slaughtered but I don't want to spoil it for ya.... oh he dies in the end.

*As in a sort of British Celt not German or French and certainly not Irish* 

Sunday, 19 February 2012

The Taste Is Bad But I Love It

Old Knudsen expected to read addresses and details of her daily routine but no it was about her big hair and golden skin and how she works out.... Old Knudsen is open to any ideas on how to get Beckinsale's body and is willing to trade a fully loaded Whitney and a heavily used Etta James .............. Wot too soon?

Yet another misleading headline . 

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Edwin Poots Hates Fags

Yes its true, Northern Ireland Minister of health Edwin Poots hates fags. He hates the taste of fags, the smell of fags and only indulges when hes had a drink or two ............ he also hates cigarettes.

The rule for giving blood in the UK is : After the whole 80's aids scare for example you'll catch aids from toilet seats, drinking from the same cup etc, no ghey men could give blood ever. The ban was lifted after a while and now men who have not had homosexual sex for a year can donate.

Its like them asking if you've had a tattoo or picnicked in the Congo in the last 5 years ..... you can lie if you wish so not really a serious rule.

The lifting of the ban was only on the UK mainland. Mean while back in hillbilly land, er Northern Ireland the ban is still in place and oh remember weemen yer not allowed to have abortions either so don't you lot get any ideas.

Mr Poots has been accused of having large ears and a goofy grin (by me) and “outdated, irrational prejudice” by others.
The shortage of blood supplies in Norn Iron means we have to send for more from .... yep the rest of the UK but no its nothing to do with what Edwin Poots thinks of turd pushers....... really.

Poots the Young earth creationist has only mentioned ghey and bisexual men, maybe he doesn't think that weemen in Northern Ireland can get aids or that prison ghey ........ yes I'm looking at you paramilitaries doesn't count. 

Old Knudsen suspects that like his old job as minister of culture Mr Poots will get moved on as he seems pretty clueless maybe he should be made minister of farm equipment and sheep worrying.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Manners Cost Nothing

It seems that Old Knudsen does not treat weemen as people. He was only kidding when he said, "if you didn't have the crack between yer legs I wouldn't be talking to you" Just as weemen wouldn't be talking to me if they didn't think I'd shag em ............... I'm no just a piece of meat I have feeling too which I'll be happy to discuss after a jolly good roger over a wheelie bin.

Old Knudsen it seems has be a perpetrator of  'benevolent sexism' . Holding doors open for weemen, offering to carry shopping and offering back rubs etc........ The back rubs has gotten me banned from quite a few shops ah well live with yer pain then and don't expect any foot massages either. 

Maybe referring to weemen as 'love, dear and pet' was taken in a belittling way. So Old Knudsen searched the Interweb to see what younguns call weemen, 'hoe, slut and cum bucket' seemed quite common as long as you don't call them 'chick' I suppose.

Thinking back I also let men go ahead of me and hold the door open for them too, ach I'm a bad bad person......... I suppose someone will say, "you aren't being polite, with men and weemen its a sign that you feel dominant towards them. "

Old Knudsen feels dominant to most people, male or female, black or white, tall or midget. Will it get to the point where saying thank you will be taken as an insult? Its true that when Old Knudsen says 'thank you' in his head he really says 'fcuk you' but thats just him.

Manners and politeness are seen in the UK as a weakness, if you let a car out of traffic or someone cross the road in front of yer car 8 times out of 10 the person will ignore yer action as if they are entitled to go anyway or they will shoot you a dirty look.

Old Knudsen won't stop being chivalrous nor will he stop holding open doors and if they don't acknowledge him as many do he also won't stop calling after them, "Yer welcome".  You can't please everyone all the time but if this goes on, when people really do need help no one will offer .

Thursday, 16 February 2012

My Fist Is Mightier Than The Penn

 Ok whatever, Hey America just get this cunt a ball gag and don't let him near camera, its for yer own good. Have you heard what he is going on about as he visits his South American buddies?

Some of his words:

"My oh my, aren't people sensitive to the world colonialism, particularly those who implement colonialism. It's unthinkable that the United Kingdom can make a conscious decision to deploy a prince within the military to the Malvinas, knowing the great emotional sensitivity both of mothers and fathers in the United Kingdom and in Argentina who lost sons and daughters in a war of islands with a population of so few."

Has Penn gone full retard again? 

Prince William is on the Falkland islands to show the UK what a common touch man of the people he really is and to remind the Falklanders that they have not been forgotten about so fcuk off Penn! 

Its cumming up to the 30th anniversary of the failed Argentinean invasion of the Falkland islands. If ya forgot its those islands in the middle of no where that were in British hands before Argentina was even a nation, yeah those ones. 

Old Knudsen didn't break a finger nail, lose an eye (found it again) and broke wet wind with lumps fighting the Argies in 1982 so some crap actor with a history of domestic abuse and assault upon photographers can yap on about Uruguay being a 'model of development in the world' if you like it so much Mr you don't know what Iraq is like I've been there Penn then go live there. 

Yes it was a silly war and WTF was Argentina thinking? they gave shelter to fleeing Nazis after WWII who trained their army of course they were going to lose.

 Hey Penn! yer friends have dressed you up like a dickhead and they did it on purpose.

 Kiss fer fcuks sake, its as bad as X-files.

You've lost yer way Penn and ended up in the shit. Also yer ugly and smell like pish.... wot no angry cum back?

If ya told Argentina's President Cristina Kirchner that you supported the ousting of 3000 British citizens off the Falklands just to get yer hole off her then you'd have Old Knudsen's support but no ya had to suck up to the other enemies of truth and justice like Hugo the boss Chavez. 

Simon Weston a former Welsh Guardsman and British hero who served during the Falklands conflict said. 
"Sean Penn is living, breathing proof that just because you are famous doesn't mean you know what you are talking about. Penn is an idiot. It's bad for people to think you're a fool. You don't need to open your mouth to prove it. By opening his mouth on this, Sean Penn proves he is a fool."

Indeed Mr Weston.

Old Knudsen is proud not to have any Sean Penn movies in his DVD library and has not even heard of the last three films this dick has made. What Old Knudsen does know that this guy gives free speech a bad name.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Movie Star Time Travellers

You may have heard the rumour that movie star tax dodger Nicholas Cage is a vampire due to this picture of some bloke from the 1800's who bares a striking resemblance to the Season of the witch star.
WRONG! like many others in Hollywood and government jobs he has merely sold his soul to Satan.

Matthew McConaughey war veteran and Failure to launch star is also soulless.

What do these movie stars get for giving away their ticket for eternal choir singing with the heavenly host?
Immortality is the reward, unlike Old Knudsen who just can't be arsed to die in case he misses something these divas get to live forever. Now and again they have to make movies so bad that the Devil can pop up and make deals with many movie goers to have that memory taken away for just the price of a soul.  Enjoy The wicker man did ya? you weren't supposed to.

Why don't you rent out Battlefield Earth or Wild Hogs Old Knudsen reckons you'd be selling yer soul for forget me pills after that. If you haven't seen any of those well maybe you have and you can't remember you soulless pleb.

Or they may just be time traveling demons, who cares as long as they tell us who they are wearing? Matthew Broderick can be seen here with his evil looking hound of Hell. You can tell she loves the taste of man and would suck ya dry in an instant.

It must be a drag for some of them. Famous for failing to blow up some English and then a load of unwashed liberals use yer face for their cause. 

Of course they deny it, that right there is one of the signs of guilt but Old Knudsen knows the smell and the taste of evil, as it says in the Bible, "Better out than in-th".

Monday, 13 February 2012

Gene Pool Improved

A sheep has given birth to a ‘half-sheep half-human’ baby in Sokoto, Nigeria. The kind of head line you'd expect to find in Ballymena.

Spooked locals have demanded to know who the owner of the animal is........ maybe they want to know if he has a name picked out or needs any baby clothes. The same thing happened in Turkey a while back and a mob killed the beast which right there shows you those savages aren't ready for the EU.
Rick Perry was right, Turkey is run by Osama loving terrorists.  

Old Knudsen is surprised more of these births aren't happening as many weemen just aren't making the effort anymore.

Fcuking hot or what? the only thing that could make these gurls hotter would be a fake orange tan .... C'mon gurls make the effort, I'm no asking ya to wash yer lady gardens or anything just slap on some lipstick. 

Remember to have safe sex people, yes make sure the barn door is locked.


Saturday, 11 February 2012

You Will Never Take Our Scenery!!!!

Donald Trump (America's sweetheart) is as you know building a luxury golf course resort in Aberdeenshire .................... Scotland.

Thank Gog someone has realised the need for this rather than those short sighted idiots that build schools,  hospitals and other places that no one wants to go to and so won't get funding.

There is a blight on Donald's dream and that blight has a name, 'Renewable Energy'.

Plans are being made to build an offshore 11 turbine wind farm. Studies have shown that these turbines kill birds, bats and small lambs and such with the whooshing they do. Also there is concern that they may cause cancer in kittens and insanity in others if looked at for more than 10 seconds because the light of the water reflects in the props as they spin. Statistics show that 93% of military veterans who suffer from PTSD have at some time in their lives looked at a wind turbine for more than 10 seconds. The facts can not be ignored.  

A fire concern has also been raised after a turbine went on fire in December 2011 during 165mph winds.... ah the irony. Dangerous things as you can see.

What if in cold temperatures the turbines froze and ice formed on the props and then flew off when they thawed out? ......... Deadly!

Donald Trump is a man of vision and can see the danger and doesn't want to see it. He is so angry about the peril Scotland is in he wrote to Alex Salmond the first minister of Scotland. A situation much similar to Churchill when he warned about the Nazis and no one listened.

"With the reckless installation of these monsters, you will single-handedly have done more damage to Scotland than virtually any event in Scottish history."

Yes Salmond you cunt, putting these MONSTERS up will make Edward Longshank's genocide against the Scottish look like an episode of Barny....THINK Mr Salmond THINK of all the death and destruction not to mention those poor millionaire golfers that might happen to glimpse them.   

Trump continued:

"As a matter of fact, I have just authorised my staff to allocate a substantial amount of money to launch an international campaign to fight your plan to surround Scotland's coast with many thousands of wind turbines."

Old Knudsen has not received any money but is open to some to help fight this evil (fcuk Syria) and to maybe blot out his life with a few bottles of beat the wife if you are reading this Mr Trump.

He added:

"Please understand that I am doing this to save Scotland."  

Old Knudsen says that to yer ma when he bangs her.

Work has stopped at the resort until Trump gets the answer he wants.

Willie Rennie the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader who likes a bowl of porridge for breakfast most days said "This letter is a rather desperate attempt by a rich man who is used to getting his own way. But his latest tizzy is embarrassing. Instead of the world laughing at Scotland, Scotland is laughing at Mr Trump..........Dickhead."

He may not have said dickhead but I'm sure he was thinking it.

Then he added from the safety of not having to decide.

"I would urge the first minister to listen to Mr Trump but no more and no less than anyone else. We won't be bullied by Mr Trump and his millions."

Speak fer yerself I want his millions.

Its a case of NIMBY or Not In My BackYard and you'll agree that this time its justified.When was golfing about the environment? its about putting a hole in one bitch and about sandy hoes also some playing around with the boys. Golfers like a bit of rough not clean renewable energy just ask Tiger.

Lets hope the savior of Scotland Donald McTrump slays all of those who wish to drag Scotland into the 21st century.

Turbines indeed what is this Holland? 


Wednesday, 8 February 2012

A Harsh Mocking

There was a recent story about a woman born with 2 vaginas. She spoke about it on TV which took her a lot of courage to do. The reaction? ............. offered a million to star in a porno.  Here is a picture of 2 useless cunts. Obama recently said he 'deserves' another term, what is he going to do when he loses cry its not fair?

The UK has always been at least a decade behind the US so you'd think we'd know what was going to happen. Fcuking immigrants getting all the jobs ruining our cuntry. Yeah Hitler said that too. Old Knudsen would rather work with a dirty slav or a smelly beaner anyday than a lazy local.

The UK wants to pretend it isn't in Europe and Scotland wants to pretend it isn't a part of the UK.

A local representative by day and a cross burner by night. Humanity will always find a way to keep itself doon by blaming others.

The Feds decided that in Callyfornia majority does not mean truth and called Prop 8 totally ghey.

Gurly boys are back in style!

Nazis and the Catholic church. Old Knudsen never gets tired of mocking them.

Friday, 3 February 2012

Unicorn Rising

Just having a laff before they drift off into history.