Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Socialism For Dummies

Dylan is an alcoholic but its not his fault ........ its an illness. He gets over £200 ($315) on benefits a week from the government and spends most of it drinking in his government funded home..... its not called social housing for nothing.  Jamie is a long term unemployed crack hoor but its not her fault .......... its an illness.  

Watch their hilarious antics as Jamie blows half the town and Dylan blows his weekly benefits then applies for a Crisis loan he'll never pay back............ its not his fault hes enabled. 
You'll laugh yer ass off then go get fired from yer job and still make the same money. Its crazy!  

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Sheep Pervert To Exploding Convert

Liam Neeson a simple lad from sheep loving Ballymena which is one of the many the bible belts around the troosers of Northern Ireland had an epiphany while staying in Turkey.

Paraphrased from a Greek chorus of eye  witnesses who were also in Turkey:

"Ach my Catholic religion is good an all but diddling little boys is so last week, blowing yerself up and getting 72 virgin sheep now thats what a happening young man from Ballymena wants."

 Will he or won't he convert?

Now Old Knudsen knows that many hundreds of people get comfort and love from religion no matter which one it is and to condemn religion as the opium of the masses and a constant excuse for hate murder and destruction and unlike immigrants it is the #1 woe of the world would be wrong ..... Old Knudsen knows this, nah its only good for shite stirring and consider yerself a mongish sheep if you take the bible literally.

Liam me lad accept Old Knudsen as yer personal trainer and give to me yer riches in this world so that ye may be saved in the next to join yon cosmic soup.     

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Sex On A Stick

Lisa Woodman  was "shocked and humiliated" to be turned away and given a life ban from three clubs in Worcester in the West Midlands, Engerland of course, the land where men don't like weemen.

Mode, Tramps and Velvet are the clubs in case you want to boycott them in support.

One doorman told her she was "too old" to wear revealing outfits although she is only 28.......... she looks 27 if you ask Old Knudsen.

The poor lass split from her partner last year leaving her with four screaming brats  (is she a 4X4?) a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle and no regular cock to call her own so she got a boob job and went to the gym ................. no not a plastic surgeon for her face or a therapist for her low self esteem but still, there is only so much you can get on the NHS.

Then she hit the clubs in her fuck me now I'm easy clothes and got no satisfaction.

She has complained to the company that owns the clubs but they don't care and she is miffed that gurls in their early 20's wear sluttier clothing and get in.

I think the clubs would say something like, "just because you CAN wear the clothes doesn't mean you should".

Old Knudsen is disgusted! yes add OMG and WTF? to that.  Why are sexy hot weemen not allowed into clubs? Old Knudsen would do a long weekend on this lass. Sure paper bags would be used but still.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

So It Is


Old Knudsen used to know this bloke who was the dullest shite ever. The most annoying thing about him wasn't the flat tone in which he spoke or the fact that he spoke really slowly or his forced little ha ha ha laugh. The most annoying thing was that he finished every thing he said with a useless phrase at the end. When Old Knudsen couldn't avoid him I'd hear him out and then I'd wait for his useless phrase, for example: "I almost forgot my keys today ha ha ha ................................................... so I did" or "I'm really tired today ha ha ha ............................ so I am". Old Knudsen would wait for it and the more Old Knudsen got annoyed the compulsion to use the same idiotic phrases would pop up in his own head .... so it would.

Lots of people in the northern part of Ireland say this, yes the island is filled with morons. Why the fcuk must you add unimportant shite to the unimportant shite you've just said? Its it to not just make yer point but to really make it?

Friday, 20 January 2012

Bird Flu Away

Scientists who created a more deadly strain of bird flu have temporarily stopped their research amid fears it could be used by bio-terrorists.

Old Knudsen was reading this story on the line about how US scientists developed a more deadly strain of bird flu .......... poor wee birdies as if they don't sneeze enough.

Experts are ascared a mutant form of the virus could spark a pandemic worse than the 1918-1919 Spanish flu outbreak that killed 40 million people.  How did this idea cum about?

So yer a Yank scientist, yer Star Trek alarm clock goes off and you lie there in bed about to start a new day. "what will I do today?" you ask yerself glancing over to yer poster of Hayden Pantyline with yer hand reaching lower to yer morning phwoarr stick.

                                Old Knudsen would shag her but he wouldn't thank her for it.

"I know, I'll cure cancer, no I'd better start off slowly curing cancer might be a tricky one" thinking away as you slap slap slap yer mother's pride. "I'll cure bird flu, cheerleader bent over oh the firm tanned buttocks and wobbling titties .......... Jaj yIra" you moan in klingon. At least you can pee now and expect the majority of it to hit the bog.

"Better yet" you think as you wipe off yer issue using a nearby sock, "I'll make the H5N1 flu virus even more deadly".

What the fcuk? bird flu is deadly to humans but it cannot be passed from human to human ..... why would you make it so that it could be? Also how do you get paid to cum up with this shit?

Old Knudsen isn't very concerned that some raghead terrorist will get his hands on a cup full of new improved bird flu because...

If you start any trouble Abdul , Marky Mark will fcuk you up!

Really people wise up and use yer smarts for smart things. Old Knudsen nearly died of man flu around Christmas time so why don't you cure that? whats that? oh curing things isn't cool or edgy enough we gotta soup it up. Guard dogs are alright but wouldn't they be fcuking awesome with laser beam eyes and steel claws? 
Sharks with human arms grafted on so they can pull you by the leg off yer boat......... I see a screen play for a Syfy channel movie formulating in Old Knudsen's head............'Armed to the teeth' starring Stephen Baldwin.

In this crazy world its hard not to have the mantra WTF?

Monday, 9 January 2012

Insurgent Big Cats

Things you don't except to read about in the Belfast Telegraph. A Leopard attack in Eastern India. Is this the first wave of a Lemur world invasion? I wouldn't put it past the wee bug eyed fcukers.

Will Old Knudsen have to defend the world again like he did when the Silver Surfer tried to feed our world to Galacticus ?
Ya know I just can't be aresd right now maybe a lemur invasion will jump start the economy unlike the various middle east wars that do nothing but drain our resources.We need to pick our fights a lot better............ Hey Iran stop it with the crazy eyes or I'll knock you out! guess who wants to be the new North Korea. Just throw some aid at them to shut them up.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

A Movie To Get Yer Teeth Into

Since Old Knudsen missed out on the Queen's new years honours list yet again he is in need of validation so he is going to win an Oscar instead. 
Touch wood productions is a small film company with big ideas. A re-working of a little known vamp romp called Twilight. When my agent brought me this I thought it was going to be an action/porn movie set in a rest home with the tag line, "In God's waiting room only the brave jump the queue". 

So off to Vancouver which is in America ..... north America.

For some reason weemen get the horn when they see a man climbing a tree.

The story starts with some vampire named Edward disappearing up his own arse My character Gorse Burns finds Edward's middle school sweet heart  'Stella'  (its a re-working so changes had to be made) who is obsessed with old geezer cock and there is this really cool scene with her cutting herself in a fit of self pity and Gorse uses that for some 'take advantage sex' real edgy stuff.

Then Caleb a werewolf cums in and says, "mind if I join in?"

Some of my best acting to date, you should go and see it at least twice. The others in the flick are shite but what can you do?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Well Bred And Undead

Old Knudsen is expecting the peelers to knock doon his door any moment ........... yes he is always expecting that but really this time.

It was only yesterday that he made a comment elsewhere on the Interweb stating what he has known for years.

Earlier in the week a body was found on the Queen's Sandringham Estate so Old Knudsen said it was a young runaway that the royals had been feeding off in order to live forever. Like duh! it wouldn't be the first time and since Prince Philip died in hospital recently ya need a body to bring him back but ya all know that.

I mean who would survive over a Christmas weekend in an NHS hospital having heart surgery? 

Well the news has caught up and now the media is trying to figure out which young runaway has been found. Old Knudsen says keep looking he also says that the Queen's henchmen are sure getting slack, I blame the recession.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

For The Love Of Art

Start the year the way you mean to continue. Old Knudsen will be mostly appreciating the beautiful things in life like art.

Better art than in!