Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Alien Bases On The Moon

 We're waiting for it to air out. Knudsen thought it was a porta potty again.

Paul Davies and Robert Wagner of Arizona State University are lazy over educated shites! They can't be arsed so they want people to volunteer and go through the NASA pics from the Luna reconnaissance orbiter (LRO) and look fer alien life signs left on the moon.

Never mind that, NASA sends all pics with anything of interest on them straight to the NSA who then sends them to the NA.

If you all remember, the moon landing was on the 11th July 1969 well the one you civvies remember was on the 20th. Old Knudsen has nothing to fear telling you this as he is in the UK, what is the US going to do? snatch and grab him in the middle of the night and take him to a secret torture base? heh heh heh ....... what was that noise? nope just me, better out than in I say.

Coverage of the moon landing was interrupted for a couple of minutes saying that one of their cameras had over heated. Radio hams listening in still heard the banter to the astronauts. Armstrong: "fcuk lad there are other space craft up here" Aldrin: "Aye what he said" ............. Old Knudsen is paraphrasing.

Armstrong: "we must tell the world!" Aldrin " fcuk yeah like dude" NASA: "negative yous say nothing or we'll cut yer family" NASA marketing: "thats affirmative we must send in the Stormbringer to see if we can make money from this, I'm thinking action figures or maybe an X-box game ......... whatever that is".   

The space ships flew off when the pair started to play golf fcuking boring, but they got some lovely film of them, not that you'll ever see it.

Putting a post hypnotic suggestion of alien artifacts out there means that some cunt will see a face on the moon, lets hope its the right face and no looking at me dark backside.

Apart from huge transforming robots there is noting of interest on the moon so don't bother looking.

Ok I tried. There are the space amazons whose only wish is to collect man jizz and lots of it with seduction and rhythmic slapping of their firm shapely body parts.

Those poor unfortunate bastards from Apollo 11-a which as you don't know was the other moon landing at that time.
The thing is that they know we are here and if we go poking about mankind will cum to a sticky end. Old Knudsen with the help of the English who don't really like weemen and the Americans who if they can't make money out of hot chicks then they don't want to know have kept the amazon bases a secret for yer own good.
We even created to flood the search engines. Old Knudsen has bravely volunteered for moon missions to destroy amazon space ships and yes he has been caught all 8 times and trust me laddies you young guns cannae handle what they have. Also shagging Old Knudsen's off- spring is forbidden.

No matter how hot they are.


Sunday, 25 December 2011

RIP Prince Philip

Prince Philip the Queen's stud died in Papworth hospital, Cambridgeshire, after a heart operation to fit a coronary stent, he was 90 years old . The prince's heart was too black and hardened. It is thought that he died around the same time as the Queen's pre-recorded speech about building family ties aired on the telly. A similar speech that had been given by Queen Victoria in 1914.

If only the Prince could have afforded private health care instead of wasting NHS resources.

Philip has always been health conscious giving free advice to those he met through the years. To a British student in China, 1986, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”

In 1998 he said to a 13 year-old boy  Andrew Adams, 13, “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”

That was when he was promoting awareness for teenage suicide.

Always keeping up to date with medical science. To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”

The Queen was holding up well until she heard the news that there is going to be a Fast and the Furious #7, that sent her over the edge of grief.
We'll miss you sir, if only the UK had more mouthy gob-shites like you and yer wife (Gog bless her) living off Government hand-outs and getting everything paid for. 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Over By Christmas

The American system is very free yet quite confusing. It seems you can impeach yer president by merely honking yer horn.

US President Barry Obama is to be impeached! A book makers in Nevada has reported that he made the bet that the war against Iraq will be over by Christmas, just before he started to pull US troops out.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Cameron Is No Kim Jong il

To show what a useless stupid cunt David Cameron is: Kim Jong il dies and he flies to Afghanistan WTF? that war like the war against Iraq will be over by Christmas stop fcuking about Cameron and go show respect for a real world leader who doesn't wave a veto at the frogs and krauts but waved his Taepodong at the world!  ......... Kim Jong il    404 not found!  

Tribute To The Dear Leader

Number 2 in the series of 50 days of mourning from Old Knudsen for our beloved general Kim Jong il. Only a genius would name his missiles 'Taepodong'.

Now our leader is drinking Jesus Juice with Micheal Jackson in weirdo heaven. As Jacko used to say, "bottoms up".  

Monday, 19 December 2011

The Greatest Lawn Nazi Dies

Kim Jong il or Dear leader as Old Knudsen likes to call him has been murdered!

No not by Old Knudsen as we were total BFFs. The culprit of this heinous act that took Our father at the oh so young age of 69 was South Korea!

South Korea may be a cuntry full of dog eating hot chicks.

But it is EVIL!

Only recently the South tipped Kim over the edge by using psychological warfare, they put Christmas lights on a tower near the border which could be seen all the way from beautiful Kim's villa. Everyone knows that Kim hates Christmas and he likes a nice tidy border.

Just the latest in shite that the south has pulled. In 2010 the South Korean navy rammed a North Korean torpedo with its warship and then blamed Our Dear Father of sinking the ship. The South also put islands where Kim liked to fire his artillery shells and made him look bad when people died . Earlier this year they also had an old couch lying on their side of the border and did not keep their hedges trimmed.

Kim Jong il from a scene in Fight Club

Kim Jong or the Jongster as Old Knudsen used to call him .................. used to call him, I think I may cry, well he was a fine patron of the arts sometimes kidnapping directors to make his movies and creating beautiful songs such as 'No Motherland Without You' which was sung by Bono of U2 fame on the soundtrack of 'Free Willy 6 The Pirates Booty'. 

With his strong courage and will,
Socialism he proudly defends.
He brings all across the world
Our nation's honor and pride.
I'm sure you've all heard it or will when Justin Bieber does his cover of it for the New Year. Now that lad has talent, Bono could learn from him.

They hung Saddam, shot Gaddafi, got Idi Amin with a poisoned milk shake and now they caused sweet Kim Jong il's  heart to burst by the pressure of Christmas as they knew he had not yet sent his cards.
He may have seemed like an odd bloke to some and all they go on about is blah blah blah executions and human rights violations whatever those are but Old Knudsen loved him, that crazy wee fcuker in his ma's high heels and 70's jump suit ach what Old Knudsen would give for one more fart competition during one of Kim's famous sleep-overs.

Old Knudsen will just assume that he speaks for the rest of the world when he says, "We'll miss you our general and if killing 1000 political prisoners would bring you back we would in a second". 

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Upright Postion

 Old Knudsen has been an upholder of chivalry all his life, protecting the weak which is pretty much all of yous, standing up for truth even though it may not be wanted or is not an easy or popular choice, holding doors open for weemen ............... even though many weemen walk through and give Old Knudsen a sneer as if he had just insulted all of weemen kind but fcuk ye cos I'd open it for anyone cos I've got fcuking manners.................. except for blind people as I do laugh as they bounce off a door they think is open, ach ya can take being old fashioned too far and I'm sure the blind folk see the funny side, well not see it but I'm sure they can feel or smell it or something.

Old Knudsen defends minorities too and that includes Chicks with dicks. God made them so I'm no gonna argue with the big lad as he has a right nasty side.

Its good to see Gurlyboys doing well. PC air which is an airline operating out of Bankok's Suvarnabhumi airport hired 4 transsexual flight attendants.

Has the world gone PC? lets hope so. Just think a flight attendant that can offer you the 'full' range and no just tae, coffee and a continental breakfast ................ does anyone actually like those things?  now ya can get tae, coffee and a firm throbbing cock attached to a hot woman.

Some blokes may not find that very appealing ............... thats cos yer ghey, you'd have to be to not like this.

Chicks with dicks hardly ever get pregnant and are spared the curse of period pain because it was not them who tempted Adam with yon forbidden apple in the garden of Eden and they are also quite strong....... don't forget the being hot part which makes them a perfect employee.

Ya don't have to be psychic to see that a lot of air travel is in Old Knudsen's future.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Here Cums Santy

So anyhoo I was just talking to my mate Yuri who is an agent in yon FSB, as you can imagine hes busy in Moscow with all the protests and thing well he took a break from picking out volunteers to work on the Trans- Siberian railway to tell me what he is getting his wife for Christmas.

Lucky missus Yuri is getting an open marriage for Christmas and is having a threesome. What a thoughtful present thought I and the best thing is that its going to be a total surprise for her, those Russians can sure teach us a few things about marriage.

Yuri has his mind set on Gurl gurl boy and maybe boy boy gurl for her birthday. Old Knudsen may very well treat himself this year to some naughty fun but what way to choose?

Boy boy gurl sure looks like fun but seeing another bloke having sex the same time as you and maybe brushing up against him the odd time well seems a bit ghey. Not that there is anything wrong with that but when Old Knudsen makes love to a woman 20 ways from Sunday he does not want to see some hairy guy looking at his willy.

Now gurl gurl boy is like being hungry and shown a table of dishes to choose from, once you start one thing ya see something else you want but yer all full and no longer hungry......... ach well it is for me.   

Live is short so why take yer time at sex? once I'm done I say to the ladies "so what do we do now I still have the rest of the hour booked?"

"Do you want to watch us make out?"  

Nah the History channel has a show on about Hitler but you two go ahead just as long as ya keep the noise doon.


Thursday, 8 December 2011


The 27 leaders of the Eurozone have walked into an ingenious trap set by Germany as they attended an EU party in Brussels .
David Cameron the Prime minister of Very Great Britain took a head shot at point blank range from an operative of German special forces the KSK. The German chancellor Angela Merkel was seen to punch the air in triumph as Germany a two time loser of world wars hopes to some day become less of a loser by winning a war..... any war.

The last two world wars started during a time of global recession with extremely high gold prices and a strong Germany so why would this time be any different? 

The traditional march into Poland has already begun and time to save money France has volunteered to invade itself.

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg said moments ago from outside of number 10 Downing Street (he isn't allowed inside) "I told him not to go but every time I say something he does the opposite, why will no one listen to me?"  then a police officer moved him on.

US President Barry Obama met with top advisers to discuss the situation.

President Obama made the position of America clear and said that it wasn't their war, maybe in a few more years so not his problem as he'll be doing after dinner speeches and writing his memoirs then. The President did say that he had hope and a pocket full of change. 

 Michelle Obama is said to be under the influence of a sinister frog named 'Rasputin'. 

Don't worry folks Old Knudsen has seen wars cum and wars go. It will all be over for Christmas. Now Old Knudsen just has to figure out who the winner will be. Will Germany get third time lucky? Choosing sides this time will be a little tricky and China will probably cum in at the end and kill us all.

What do you get a China man for Christmas who has everything?

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Cock-a-leekie soup anyone?

Me venture into the world of restauranteering came to an end last week when we lost the head chef. We could still cook other parts but when you have a ton of peeps wanting head well I bet you know what that is like.
Ok ok maybe me catchphrase of, "Who gives a fcuk what it looks like on the plate? it all cums out the same" was a bit long winded which is what you would be if you had eaten there.


Thursday, 1 December 2011

Smash The Greenhooses Of Death

Old Knudsen is pissed off on numerous accounts today. I'm sure yer all keeping up to date with the exciting Durban climate conference to talk about the Kyoto Protocol as set you by the Shadow proclamation. Canada is in violation of article 15 citing that if China doesn't play then they won't either.
Ach its a load of old bitter balls and if you notice Old Knudsen wasn't there probably due to the sausage roll incident of 97. All I can say is that it took 2 nukes before the Japs surrendered which says it all and if they don't want to talk about then its up to people like me to remind them so hold a sausage roll grudge if ya like and if ya noticed I did hold 14 up there like I said though walking with them was difficult.

So anyway me invite must have gotten lost yet again, its tough when you get yer mail through dead drops. Oh and anyone in the Los Alamos area, if ya find a hollowed out rock full of stuff about the secret underground Dulce base please let me know. You'd think they would make those rocks easier to find for fcuks sake I mean they look like fcuking rocks what the fcuk? for legals reasons Old Knudsen is forbidden to say fuck, fucking, fucker, fucked or any other combination using the word fuck in that order or he'd be fucked.

If I was at the meeting I'd take a big pull on me fag (Old Knudsen probably means cigarette but you never know with him) I'd blow me smoke towards Norway as they are smug cnuts at the best of times and I'd say. "I'll rid ye of yer greenhoose gases" I mean if that is their biggest problem then wise the fcuk up.

Now Old Knudsen doesn't like to incite folks to riot ......... he doesn't like it but he'll do it if he is bored. I'll tell Kyoto and his bug eyed monkey to bomb Holland as they have thousands of fcuking greenhooses. Like duh!

Do we really need Holland anyway?

Then take it to the streets and brick any greenhoose you see. Its no about riots its about the planet!

I suppose it will be another brilliant yet obvious idea of mine that gets ignored just like the giant ice cube making machines at the mouths of rivers to cool the sea and the planet doon.

How stupid do they think people are? Its a retorical question as people are as thick as pig's shit and anyone in the media knows this.

Ever hear of the city of Londonderry, Derry or as I like to call it "Rape toon Norn Iron"? It won the title of "City of culture" a while back and you know what? when I think about Londonderry the first thing that cums to mind is not culture, its "Why the fcuk would I go there?" If Old Knudsen wanted to be raped he'd go to Zimbabwe as there are gangs of weemen raping men to use their sperm in magic rites ...... how gey do ya have to be to go to the police and complain about weemen wanting yer sperm? any port in a storm says I and don't be so picky who the fcuk are you the Queen of England?

Well Glasgow or "stab city" as it may be known has won the title as the safest city in the UK, this was by the Mercer quality of living survey who probably was too ascared to go to the rough areas to ask people like slasher McGee how safe does he think his victims are.

Baghdad came last by the way just after Bangui in the Central African Republic which s a lovely place. I wonder if they only did a survey on soldiers serving in Iraq or just those living in shelled out ruins after a drone destroyed their party..... that questionnaire must have been awkward. "I know you just buried yer bride but how safe on a 1 - 10 scale do you feel personally?"

Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Ottawa did well all getting ranked the same at a high but very boring and polite level........... god I just got sooo bored reading those names.

Ach who cares about the rest? I wanna see Detroit win the 'Shopping capital of the US' or 'Top city of industry' awards to try to trick people into going there like they are trying with Derry and Glasgow.