Sunday, 17 October 2010

Kiss My Roundabout America


Nah don't worry about Old Knudsen he is fine. Sure after a load of years in America with fcuk all visas doing the jobs Americans didnae want ta do (ones that involved effort) under the table and sometimes under yer Ma the on the ball US immigration service found him and deported him.

Maybe using ID's for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency and Home land security that I had printed off me computer to shake doon hookers and get free pancakes at IHOP (International Hoose Of Pancakes) wasn't such a good idea but it was good while it lasted.

Old Knudsen had long since had enough of America and wanted to get back to the UK as the trouble he had caused there was sure to be over though my home toon of Killamory is still too dangerous after that recent crop of babies popped out all saying "Ka-Chow ya cunt!"

Northern Ireland is the place Old Knudsen resides in now which is where me mammie's side is from. If ya go out of Belfast in the only direction that won't take ya to proddy culchies and gheylick speaking bandits you'll get to the Ballyscud road and if ya stay on the path and avoid the full moon you'll get to the beautiful town of Castlerathdun .................. DO NOT make eye contact with anyone.

Old Knudsen lived there years ago when it was only Castlerath and the civilisation of KFC had not yet reached there but now its all fancy with its own public telephone box that doubles as a public toilet on a Saturday night.  Norn Iron culture is fab! people are less guarded about the Troubles now and happily accept Fenian cocksuckers as almost equals which is nice.  Brown people and Slavs prowl the streets with hardly a second glance, well unless they go into a shop cos then they have to be watched.
The inside smoking ban is a nuisance because Old Knudsen likes to enjoy a fag as he waits for his Dr's appointment, now the busy shop owners and the like have to stand outside of their doorways and smoke like some kind of hazy nicotine advertisement. If ya can't afford any ciggies just walk doon High street and inhale.

About 95% of weemen are bleach blondes and most people are very sporty ............. well they wear tracksuits.

"All right there" is used as "hello" or as a "may I help the next customer please" smiles are for the weak and who wants to display British dentistry at its best?

Everything closes at 5pm and by 5.30pm if yer still out yer fair game for the wolves and the zombies. Nothing is open on Sunday as that is against the Bible, if yer out being a rascal on that day the zombie wolves will get ya.
Simple rules of the street it will only be a matter of time until the zombies and wolves are going home early to avoid me.


Old Knudsen has been applying for jobs and visiting the local useless cunt factory......... or sometimes called the Jobcentre, I am hoping that the Kiss o gram job cums through I mean 15 pound per dance and a chance of a raise.
I looked through the attic of my hoose 'One way manor' don't worry its just a name as Old Knudsen does it everyway and has no manners. I found a treasure from the distant seaport of Portavogie so to hold me over for money I'll be going on the Antiques Roadshow. 




 

13 comments:

tony said...

When it came to Mytholmroyd recently I went on the Antiques Roadshow . They Said I Was Worthless As My Bottom Was Chipped..........

savannah said...

hot damn, sugar! i thought you'd gone into witness protection or something... xoxoxoxox

belfast cabby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MJ said...

Have you made any purchases from the Balaclava emporium?

Conan Drumm said...

So it was you I saw in Asda, but fear not, your secret is safe with me. Have you made any border crossings yet?

63mago said...

Fuckery, yer house is GREAT! Bloody luxury this teapot.
Job-Center, eh? Welcome home, daddy.

Boxer said...

it's about time. Just tell me where you left the cap and I won't tell INS anything. I promise.

Leah said...

*waves in the general direction of Old K*

mwah!

Reggie said...

Thank God for you foreigners that will do the jobs that we Americans don't want!!!

Conan Drumm said...

Please blog about 'Julian' for your international readers.

Donn Coppens said...

When you're at the Antiques Roadshow, ask Mark why all of his other brothers have real jobs?

Donn Coppens said...

And aboot yer Blog Header, why are you promoting the good broth on Northern Ireland Airlines?

I never thought that YOU would sell-out man, never!

augustknight said...

Seriously, a cunt factory? It must be situated right next to the cunt school. I fear for our future.