Thursday, 28 October 2010

TV Presenter Says Fuck!

Ruth Langsford some British daytime television hoor who Old Knudsen wouldn't know if she passed him in the street was trying to get to one side of the TV studio to the other off Camera but didn't make it and so said, ''Oh fuck, we're not there yet!'' which was heard by dozens of desperate hoosewives across the cuntry.

Langsford is married to Norn Iron fat fuck Eamonn Holmes and presents a TV show with him.

Ok so it was a slip of the tongue like the time she said, "fuck it" in March 2009 and she wasn't giving the go ahead for Eamonn to get a battered sausage supper if ya know what I mean. Back then she said she was misheard and she said, "suck it" which is totally fine for daytime telly . Now the saucy bint claims she stubbed her toe and said "fuck" and apologised on her Twitter page and also on the telly. Old Knudsen always follows his swear words with "were not there yet" but he does not believe Langsford.

Why do you have to lie?

Just cum out and announce yer a dirty mouthed slapper and the cuntry will respect you. Holmes is a total wanker and has been known to let the odd profanity slip especially if you get in his way in real life. Like the comedian who did an ongoing gag about Holmes eating everything in sight then saying ,"I was fierce hungry, so I was" only to be threatened with legal action and his joke removed from the BBC and a public apology given to Holmes.

Old Knudsen has never liked Holmes and doesn't like his wife but its a small cuntry so I'm bound to see them at some time in Tescos. I saw yer man Christopher Eccleston who played Dr Who at the job centre the other day. Old Knudsen was looking for a job or at least pretending to in order to get some of the free money the government doles out . I waved to him and said, "So ya left Dr Who so ya wouldn't get type cast, that GI Joe was a great flick!" Yet again more celebrity swearing.

Speaking of fuckers that need to die. Yon ice-cream man drives past my hoose playing the Teddy bear's picnic very loudly about 3 times a day, I'm going to find out where he lives and play the Entertainer at full blast on his days off. FUCK!......... we're not there yet.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Competition Time

Old Knudsen is making up this competition to make yer dreams cum true. Now the questions below have to be answered 100% correctly because no doubt there will be a lot of dissappointed people that don't win.

For the chance to win an all expenses paid night out with Old Knudsen merely answer these simple questions.

  • Are you available up to the 20th November?
  • Do you have a nice car?
  • Will you buy Old Knudsen drink, ciggies and a sausage supper on top of his other expenses for his all expenses paid nite out?
  • Are you willing to bribe or fight security to get Old Knudsen backstage?
  • If Old Knudsen blows chunks or makes some other wet mess in yer car will you get on like a yappy shite?
Tables are £28 (per adult) and booths £24 (per adult) Old Knudsen wans a table up front so hurry up and win this comp and book it..... Good luck.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Why Old Knudsen Cannae Like Yon X- Factor Shite

Since arriving back in the UK Old Knudsen has noticed that the whole cuntry is set to a disco beat. Every shop, restaurant and mall has over loud camp disco music blaring away. "ach don't be a disco hater" I hears ya say but really is the silence of everyday life not acceptable anymore? I know people have their Walkermans and Ipods but maybe some people would rather be able to communicate without shouting to others when buying a tube of their favourite anti-itch cream.

Its a recession and nearing Christmas so Old Knudsen would like to know who is in his killing zone and having Instant replay blasted at me ruins me keelers edge.

The more cooler music such as Springsteen, Bowie , The Doors and Rabbie fcuking Williams are never played but hey Old Knudsen respects yer lack of taste just keep it to yerself in yer earpods.

The X-Factor which is one of Simon Cowell's abortions is painfully popular, I can understand weemen watching it but it saddens me to know that men enjoy such things too ............... the terrorists are laughing at you sexually confident half men.

Cowell has sat in his poorly fitted hairy nipple jumpers and t-shirts giving his much valued opinions on several shows such as Pop Idol, American Idol and Celebs on the doon low and who really cares what he thinks? He gave us Robson & Jerome and altered their voices to trick people into buying their song so I don't think I care what he says.

Old Knudsen hates live music, he also hates movie sequels because why tamper with the original? Only on the very odd occasion is a sequel or cover better than the original . In the X-Factor you hear all this undulating from 50 year-old fat fcuks who have decided that after 30 years pulling pints at the Dog and Whistle it is now their dream to be stars, yer boat has sailed its nearly time to die.

You get these people that all look like Usher or Sporty Ugly Spice and hey when they aren't putting in too many sillybals in the words or inappropriately rapping they may sound ok but not stars, even with a baby and a sob story.

You get semi decent songs ruined because they just leave out entire lines or make the song their own ............. its not yer own ya cunt but now I hear yer version in my head because it was just so bad.

There are so many songs Old Knudsen hasn't heard because it seems the UK had this whole Gurls Aloud era and anyone from that time wasn't famous in the states so he may hear some ok songs because he doesn't know how they first came out and they all sound the same anyway.

Remember the old Kit Kat commercial? ya can't sing ya can't dance, you'll go along way. Old Knudsen is tired of being told about the trends he is supposed to like, when will people in their mid to late 30's realise they are too old and no one caters for their age group? well ok except for Susan Boyle but she was fcuk ugly and therefore a novelty .

I'm done I've wasted too much thought on X factory shows I'm off ta bed to dream of being a talentless poppy star and maybe someday opportunity will knock........... but really the least effort I can make the better.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Kiss My Roundabout America

Nah don't worry about Old Knudsen he is fine. Sure after a load of years in America with fcuk all visas doing the jobs Americans didnae want ta do (ones that involved effort) under the table and sometimes under yer Ma the on the ball US immigration service found him and deported him.

Maybe using ID's for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency and Home land security that I had printed off me computer to shake doon hookers and get free pancakes at IHOP (International Hoose Of Pancakes) wasn't such a good idea but it was good while it lasted.

Old Knudsen had long since had enough of America and wanted to get back to the UK as the trouble he had caused there was sure to be over though my home toon of Killamory is still too dangerous after that recent crop of babies popped out all saying "Ka-Chow ya cunt!"

Northern Ireland is the place Old Knudsen resides in now which is where me mammie's side is from. If ya go out of Belfast in the only direction that won't take ya to proddy culchies and gheylick speaking bandits you'll get to the Ballyscud road and if ya stay on the path and avoid the full moon you'll get to the beautiful town of Castlerathdun .................. DO NOT make eye contact with anyone.

Old Knudsen lived there years ago when it was only Castlerath and the civilisation of KFC had not yet reached there but now its all fancy with its own public telephone box that doubles as a public toilet on a Saturday night.  Norn Iron culture is fab! people are less guarded about the Troubles now and happily accept Fenian cocksuckers as almost equals which is nice.  Brown people and Slavs prowl the streets with hardly a second glance, well unless they go into a shop cos then they have to be watched.
The inside smoking ban is a nuisance because Old Knudsen likes to enjoy a fag as he waits for his Dr's appointment, now the busy shop owners and the like have to stand outside of their doorways and smoke like some kind of hazy nicotine advertisement. If ya can't afford any ciggies just walk doon High street and inhale.

About 95% of weemen are bleach blondes and most people are very sporty ............. well they wear tracksuits.

"All right there" is used as "hello" or as a "may I help the next customer please" smiles are for the weak and who wants to display British dentistry at its best?

Everything closes at 5pm and by 5.30pm if yer still out yer fair game for the wolves and the zombies. Nothing is open on Sunday as that is against the Bible, if yer out being a rascal on that day the zombie wolves will get ya.
Simple rules of the street it will only be a matter of time until the zombies and wolves are going home early to avoid me.

Old Knudsen has been applying for jobs and visiting the local useless cunt factory......... or sometimes called the Jobcentre, I am hoping that the Kiss o gram job cums through I mean 15 pound per dance and a chance of a raise.
I looked through the attic of my hoose 'One way manor' don't worry its just a name as Old Knudsen does it everyway and has no manners. I found a treasure from the distant seaport of Portavogie so to hold me over for money I'll be going on the Antiques Roadshow.