Sunday, 30 May 2010

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Monday, 17 May 2010

A Sucky Idea

Sir James Dyson with funding from BP and Halliburton has invented a way to get rid of the oil slick in the gulf of Mexico. At Cyberdyne Systems Corporation a subsidiary of Halliburton he will be using the surplus of children to build a cyborg army of oil terminators to vacuum up the oil.

The latest in a long line of ideas seems like a winner as long as muscle bound Austrians are not involved.
Dyson is also working on a project called Skynet which he can use to send these terminators back into time before people found out how much Halliburton was charging the government to run the war of terror and kill those who leaked the info.

What could possibly go wrong?


America Fuck Yeah

America is a wondrous place where any two faced lying, cheating racist cunt no matter how ridiculous you look can becum a hero and you may even get the chance to marry someone like Sandra Bullock or becum a senator or even president all depends on race, only white or white friendly non-threatening people may apply.

If you are famous you can murder yer wife and some other guy, lawyer up and get off with it. Of course if you do take the piss and do some other idiot crime you'll end up in a cushy prison getting back rubs from some inmates known as " The Gurls" and treated like royalty. Pretty good huh? OJ Simpson is the man!

Pedos are welcome and even Hollywood stars defend their actions in the hope of working with them some day.
I see British actress Charlotte Lewis said Polanski raped her when she was 16 . Is it really rape if yer famous? Also that 13 year-old he drugged and repeatedly abused well that was way back in 1977 so it hardly counts as a crime, Elvis died having a shit that year which I believe is vastly more important.
If it was yer own daughter you'd think nothing of it right? so way ta go capitalist Hollywood at least you know money and fame trumps hurt feelings and hoo hoos.

A cuntry not bogged doon with history because the American way is to forget and just hate for the moment because life is too short (mostly due to diet) In 2003 France was hated by many in the US ......... Old Knudsen hates them on a permanent basis which is fine as they are Britain's ancient enemy.
French fries (chips in the UK) were named Freedom fries, bottles of French wine (vinegar in the UK) were poured doon the gutter.
If it wasn't for the French backing up the traitorous Americans of the revolution the Yanks wouldn't had won on land in 1781 and at sea in 1783. The French have always had a habit of stringing the enemies of Great Britain along with promises of help, just ask the not so bonnie prince Charlie.

Nixon was forced to eat peaches or some kind of shite because he sweated on TV. Nixon is a hero, he was a man ahead of his time who set up the patriot act on the sly long before George W Bush ever had the nerve to. Now not only can yer cell phones (mobile phones in the UK) be tapped but Jack Bauer can triangulate yer arse and find you, or simply use the installed GPS on some models.
Nixon was pardoned by his old Vice president but the stigma hung around the poor fella.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are fucking class. Eleven workers may have died on the oil rig that blew up in the Gulf of Mexico .......... whatever, no publicity is bad publicity you'll still buy our shit!
While the oil may be making its way up to Greenland BP, Transocean and Halliburton are entertaining us with ideas of giant top hats, funnels, human hair sponges and lets throw junk at it ideas also blaming each other for the spill.
I suspect a lower BP manager (not BP America) will do the British thing and shoot himself in his office with his service revolver and everything will be ok , well except for the pollution.
The FDA will do a test on the blackened water and say its safe to drink. Sorry safe for the public to drink and Halliburton will sell it bottled as a new energy drink called ' slickade.'

57% of water wells in the US are contaminated with nitrates the FDA are happy with this. Animal waste seeping into the water table and sold to consumers all over the US. Hey don't get me wrong its no a third world cuntry here could Mexico have made Avatar? fuck no! you just can't drink the water without yer kidneys dying or getting cancer. Lucky everyone has health care.

Fuck the water, fuck the land and fuck the children. America is about more than that. Its about freedom, taking liberties and sayin yer bigger and better than everyone else and that takes a particular type of bravery especially if you can't really back it up with results.

The military have been using an eco-friendly ammunition round to make guns and shooting at shite more popular I suppose. While the round melts in the heat of Iraq its great for training with in the US and other not so hot places.
The old rounds had perchlorate and potassium which left a nasty taste in yer mouth when shot with and had bad chemicals that contaminated the perchlorate in the drinking water.

Old Knudsen salutes the US military and the government in its many ways to save money in order to keep yer freedoms free.
If ever there was a priority it would be an environmentally friendly round so when you invade cuntries at least those stone age ragheads will have clean drinking water.

The world has a lot to learn from the Americans, well the Chinese did learn a lot from the CIA manuals for interrogation so well done.
We Brits tried to tell the world but after ruling a up to a quarter of it for a few hundred years, well you just can't tell some people and they have to learn from their own mistakes.

Oh and for any tea party wankers who hi-jack historical names, this isn't an anti-American rant by a non American if its true it isn't anti-American so fuck off on yer power scooter ya fat bastard.

Remember the first rule of fight club............ no survival, I mean survival, "Don't panic."


Friday, 14 May 2010

I Don't Care

In the beginning I was conflicted about people who were actually dumb enough to use their real names for blogging and the sort. I thought well these people are obviously not going to cause any waves and their lives are such open boring books with none of the security issues of terrorists, evil family or mean co-workers and are as tame as Ned Flanders never saying, "cunt, wank, pish, shit, rimjob motherfucker up the bum no babies I'll rape yer cat ."

Then they join Facebook, a free social network invented by a drunken student. Old Knudsen wonders that when they set up email accounts and the such do they give their real details? You could if you wanted to give Facebook a lot of details depending on yer stupidity but why would you, zip /postal code? what about Beverly Hills 90210 thats one of my favs to use and such a great show full of angst.

Its like when a policeman stops you and asks yer name do you give him yer real name or bluff it? Yes Old Knudsen doesn't walk about with ID or any identifying labels on his clothes, ' old habits die hard and live free' you may find my Mum/Dad tattoos but I don't include their names.

I do have a scrap of paper with my real name and details on it somewhere as ever since the weapon X experiments my memory ain't too sharp.

I give Facebook fuck all info they can use even the truth is based on a lie and the lie is wrapped up in an enigma covered in salad cream which is as we all know pourable sunshine.
Old Knudsen is in control not Facebook. Really I don't give a fuck what I tell them .

Now you have people all over the place complaining about phishing and information selling, here is a tip: Don't use yer real name, date of birth and if anyone asks for yer phone number then tell them to fuck off.
Why all the yapping Facebook is free, no its not going to start charging as all the groups say, that is a panic rumour as confirmed by if ya don't like it then stop using it.

Of course if you surf the web without virus protection and click on anything in sight then yer just a mong.

Sure computers get hacked and friends pass on virus' with those idiot send this to 5 friends or you die forwards but quit the fucking yapping no one is making you log on.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

I Search And Then Research

If you follow Old Knudsen on Facebook you see the letters PhD after his name. Now I don't like to brag about all my qualifications, numerous military medals for valour or how how many times I've tapped Helen Mirren Old Knudsen is merely a humble blogger even though he is also probably the new messiah if you believe the next National Da Vinci treasure code movie about to cum out starring Nicholas Hanks.

I do not squander having 12 or so doctorates unlike some who use what they have learned to graft octopus arms onto themselves. I use my PhD for what it is meant to be used for..... to be an elitist cunt who thinks hes a doctor, yes I do laugh when asked "Is there a doctor in the hoose?" and when I get to the unconscious person I burst out laughing cos the jokes on them, oh sorry I thought you wanted to talk about science, philosophy , tits or history :::::::::sniggers::::::::: as person dies.

I have finally finished my 4 years of research into why the Lord of the rings is so popular, besides the 40 million in funding had started to dry up.

The answer is midgets!

Who the fuck doesn't like midgets? Even top Nazi Dr Joseph Mengele liked midgets and if he liked midgets then maybe Nazis weren't so bad after all.

Just think if the cast of Stargate SG1 were midgets then maybe it wouldn't be so shite ..... I'd watch it.

I wonder if priests only diddle children due to the lack of midgets? I smell new research and funding. I just have to get Obama over the whole stigma of me heading all of those Bush think tanks, if only he could have done a third term I was so close to making a choke free pretzel and disproving evolution. I just want to club to death and rip apart all those who think humans came from monkeys, that would mean humans like animals didn't have souls.......... totally un-scientific.

When Obama calls, and oh yes he will. I shall tell him he should go ahead and start using the V-22 Osprey multi-mission, military tiltrotor aircraft because despite its safety record Old Knudsen would trust it to fly any of his beloved readers, its safe as hooses terms and conditions may apply to hooses being safe .

Yes Hilary has learned from the Polish government plane crash and totally has me pussy whipped into getting Obama and Biden on the Osprey.


Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Control Is An Illusion

I was just reading about James and Charlene Sanders who were selling a ring on Craigslist when the men who turned up at their home tied them up at gunpoint and tried to rob them. The father of two ended up breaking free and was shot to death. Charlene Sanders now says "the only reason I can sit here today, is because of my faith in Christ."

On that same news page was the story of a Canadian couple and their two children going missing after a huge sink hole swallowed them and their hoose up while they watched TV bringing the hoose 30ft doon.

Old Knudsen would never suggest the later couple's problem is due to a lack of faith. It was bad luck the Sanders got robbed but good luck Charlene and her two teens lived through it. The Prefontaines who got swallowed up by the ground were just unlucky but hey their two dogs made it out alive, good luck for them until they get to the pound.

The circumstances that makes these situations happen at that very point in time are complex and with the 20/20 of hindsight you can see the connections and the question is why did it have to happen ? is it because shit happens?

There are no safe choices in life there are just reactions to everything you do or don't do. We like to see patterns and like to make sense of things and when you add free will into the equation you have to add the free will of others too .

The Fates, Gogs, Angels and Demons whatever you call the forces around us also have free will, a tarot card reading in the morning may be different in the evening depending on what happened in the time between.

No one can tell the future though some psychics are given glimpses but that doesn't make them true.
Even the Fates, Gogs, Angels and Demons get bored and like to fuck about with the heads of others I know I do.


Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Dear Oceans

A post that is very difficult to write. We've all gone through it at some point in life but Old Knudsen's suffering outweighs yers ten fold because well you are all in Old Knudsen's head and only exist because hes in stasis having terrible dreams about living in America while his body gets repaired after almost dying in the Corporation wars of 2051. Microsoft finally destroyed Apple though a systems error due to a weapons upgrade (it was automatic, the upgrade and the weapon) nearly destroyed us all.
My stasis tube is stolen Apple tech so Old Knudsen got lucky .............. anyways.

The first time was great, hey the second and third weren't too shabby either. Exciting , funny and sexy all Old Knudsen ever wanted. All my needs were catered for and I just lay back and enjoyed the thrill ride. Never predictable with a mind like a maze, I never knew what you were thinking. At the right age to know what I wanted and leave me begging for more..... I cared.

When did things change? was it me? I wanted you more than ever but you no longer cared about anyone but yerself. Having a good time with yer mates never giving me a second thought. Catherine Zeta Jones WTF? certainly wasn't a step up for you I was here eternally hoping you'd change and see sense.
You used to care but now you seem so distant, moved on to the next more interesting thing leaving me discarded like a used toy.

Time healed my pain somewhat though time only closes some wounds which can re-open instantly at a thought or a memory dragging you back to painsville again as if you had never left.
I didn't want to get hurt again but I had the hope of a fool and hoped you had changed and I took the chance and let you into my life again.
At the beginning it was good but then I could tell you were just going through the motions until something else came along.

I have news for you, getting on a bit and not taking me seriously will be yer doon fall. You thought you could do anything and I'd be there for you well I have news for you!

Its over, I gave you a third chance you never deserved and if yer ego can handle this I'm no interested anymore its not me it was you all along, do ya ken?

I'm sick of yer attitude that we are all so blessed to be in the same room as you ....... I'm seeing other DVD's sometimes a different one every night I don't care because now its all about Old Knudsen, work harder if you want my attention but you'll never be in a position to hurt me again because Oceans, its well over.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Weekly News Beating

A chink who had spent 10 years in the clink was freed after the person he was said to have killed turned up.
Zhao Zuohai had a fight with his neighbour, who then disappeared and 18 months later a headless, decomposed body was found .

Since not even the cuff-links can tell each other apart they rely on forensic evidence ....... only kidding they make them drink chilli-tainted water and set off fireworks above their heads to get a confession and Wey Hey justice served on a bed of fried rice.

Zhao was initially sentenced to death had his sentence commuted to 29 years in prison. While he was in jail, his wife remarried and several of his children were adopted.

"Are you lookin at meski?"

Somali pirates really fucked up big time when they captured a Russian oil tanker. A day after their victory A unit of angry drunken Russian special forces 'Spetsnaz' boarded the ship firing 50 cal weapons and Kung-fu kicking skinnies into next week only pausing to light their cigarettes around the highly flammable tanker.

Under strict orders not to kill the 23 hostages they only killed one pirate as they wanted to take the other ten to Moscow to be found guilty but because of the ghey "imperfections" in international law they had to release them.

Visitors to Brazil have been warned about the 'Vlad the impaler' bats which are a cousin of the vampire bat. Mouth covers are advised if sleeping in rural regions of the cuntry.... ha ha made you look.

Lebanon has claimed the latest victory in the continuing battle with Israel by making the largest serving of hummus. Israel responded by sending in fighter jets killing 12 people, later they apologised and said they thought they meant Hamas.

Before make-up and after make-up.

Rumours that David Cameron and Nick Clegg are the same person have been recently circulating the Interweb. When asked for his opinion Gordon Brown texture like sun was quoted as saying, "What utter nonsense" with his mike still connected he went into the restroom for a pish and let off a fart and was heard to say, "Good arse, I thought you were dead." He later had to personally apologise to people who wear colostomy bags.

David Cameron admitted he was Nick Clegg but an hour later denied he was, ach the usual.

If Vladimir Putin was a woman.

He'd be Claire Forlani (pronounced Fullfanny)

Ulster Unionist leader Sir Reg Empy may have been defeated by crazy DUP preacher the Rev William McCrea a Free Presbyterian minister and gospel singer but we all know Mr Burns, er I mean Empy will have his revenge!!!!


Saturday, 8 May 2010

Something To Think About

It costs $122.10 to hoose career criminal and serial killer/rapist/torturer Joseph Edward Duncan III a day and that doesn't include the $83,622 on five shrinks, legal experts so far and his $75 an hour private investigator.

In the same county they are cutting 124 full-time teachers in one school district. Go on tell me how screwed up this cuntry is.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Election Promises

What would you do for a hung parliament?

Join up with me and I'll give you all the hand jobs and dirty Scottish tonguing you want.

No Nick cum to the dark side, let me lube this puppy up and give you a doggy fisting you'll never forget.

Good golly the liberal democrats have never been this popular what should I do?

To be cuntinued.........

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Old Knudsen Gets All Racialism On Yer Arse

As Old Knudsen sits here in America with no need nor want of any form of visa his mind turns to the problem of immigration in his homeland. The UK is facing the problems America has been facing for decades. Fucking immigrants who will work harder and for less than us. It isn't fair so I set up a few violent protests.

Don't worry hooked nosed money lending deity killers yer not the target of this rant though you and the Neo-Nazis are cool now due to holding similar points of view as in who needs to be killed.

I'm no touchin the whole black thing that is well sensitive especially with the slavery card, nah we're just turning the Africans who weren't slaves white, its probably what they want anyway I mean who wouldn't want to be white? Its fucking awesome!

Its those fuckin muzzies thats the problem especially after we invaded them. We want the extremists out and we'll kick in anyones fuck and burn them out to achieve it. Britain is a Christian cuntry of love so fuck away out of it.

What is their fuckin problem why can't they stay home?

Don't forget those pakkis that sell us beer in the corner shop! ok they might also be Indian but unless they wear their feathers I can't fuckin tell.

Immigration has made up more than half of Britain's population growth from 1991 to 2001.

A study of the 2001 Census calculated a 2.2m rise, including 1.14m born abroad. 7.53% of Britain's 2001 population had been born overseas - up from 5.75% in 1991.

It was about 1991 when the Slavs realised the Berlin wall was doon and it was time to move. The census excludes Northern Ireland since that isn't really Britain and no one gives a fuck, anyway the enlightened people of Ulster take care of their own problems by intimidating the filthy Romanian people with threats of violence making them think that maybe Romania wasn't so bad.

Dirty Romanians, imagine having this move in beside you.

Or a dirty Polack, for fucks sake you'd have to be a ghey animal molester to find this attractive, no offense to the ghey horse cock suckers.

Why was Northern Ireland excluded from the study? We had at least a couple of blacks then also some chinks and Pakkis that ran the restaurants.

Poor Northern Ireland with its Protestant majority. Like Scotland and Wales it dated England but now England wants to break up but Northern Ireland pretends it wants to just stay friends but thats a ploy to either get back up with England or fuck it up, 'getting dumped revenge.'

Its over, time to move on and date ugly Ireland ........... you'd fuck it after a few pints but you'd be stupid to commit.

Britain still has a lot to learn from Northern Ireland like what constitutes beauty.

Also how to deal with immigration. You poison the well so they can't drink ......... ok you can't drink either I didn't say it was a smart plan.

As a nation Ulster stands out when it cums to tolerance, we only stole some Irish land in the North east, the Americans stole all the Injun land, learn ya fuckers from our great example! I refuse to be drawn into the whole empire thing as the ungrateful cunts that kicked us out really upset me.

Why do you not want to be ruled by us? Maybe you should look deep within yerself and figure out what yer fuckin problem is. Moments after this picture was taken someone threw a KFC drumstick into the crowd and a deadly chav feeding frenzy began ................. so not cool.

Though many are 3rd class citizens and deserve that mantle especially if they enter a cuntry illegally.
If I lived in a cardboard box with my family and me small children didn't have health care, food or education because the chemical plant closed and put the whole town out of work and people want the little I have and will knife me for it in a heart beat and the police won't care I would patiently apply and made sure I paid the $1000 up front for the papers and made sure I earned $30.000 a year to become a citizen as that is respectful of the cuntry .............. nah just kidding you'd have to be some kind of mong, you do what you have to do fer yer family to survive.

Looks a bit like Jesus don't ya think?

I hope I've shown you the ugly face of immigration, something needs to be done. Its a pity we no longer have great Richard the Lion heart to save us.......... ok he was French and hardly spoke English and was quite anti-Jew, he may have said England was "cold and always raining," and when he was raising funds for his crusade, he was said to declare, "I would have sold London if I had a buyer."

Never mind that, I think we can all agree that non wussy French, Norman, Angle, Saxon, Jutes and Danes are as British as football hooliganism and bad food, its the foreigners we have to deal with.

Look at them no doubt plotting how to kill us.

New York had a recently naturalised US citizen try to blow it up.

If it wasn't for Jack Bauer and his talking penis the city would be fucked but he remembered the Dr Suess One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and knew what wire to cut with 7 seconds on the clock.

New York is getting as bad a Iraq or even Lurgan these days. Wow imagine someone paying the fees, passing the tests and requirements and swearing an oath just to plant a bomb. Its like a plan or something what should we do? lets waste time and go after the poor families that just want a break in life because if they can't pay they must be cunts!

After this post I'm not sure where I stand.................. oh yeah stop being silly twats and unite against the terrorists and the real criminals in the world . People of whatever colour and language who just want to live in peace get fucked about enough without cunts and their agendas blowing them up.