Friday, 30 April 2010

We Cum In Peace

In a universe of infinite possibilities in which a limp cyborg with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis can get married twice get hot chicks and get taken seriously by the world we see the ultimate wonder that is life................ shit I need to pay the rent.

Oh look the remake of 'V' is on that gives me the inspiration to use someone else's idea. The universe has 100 billion galaxies, each containing hundreds of millions of stars. In such a big place, Earth is unlikely to be the only planet where life has evolved.

“To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational, the real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like.”

“If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

Well some got casinos which to Old Knudsen's mind kicks arse and makes up for the genocide.

War of the worlds
The body snatchers
Star Trek: First Contact
Avatar......... ok we were the aliens.
Independence day
Mars attacks
Mrs Doubtfire
The thing
Teenagers from outer space
They live
Men in black
The faculty
Stargate (TV series)
First wave (TV series)
The Invaders (TV series)
The Tripods (TV series)
Dr Who (TV series)

All indicate that unless we arm up we'll be food for our alien overlords and not even our Chinese overlords can stop them. The American top secret program I myself have worked on 'Operation make everyone fat and ill' in order to put the aliens off us has been a success but a fitness drive could spoil the results thus making us lean , tasty and ready to eat.

People of earth we the visitors cum with peace and love, our breath may smell but all we wish is to cure yer ailments and have sex with you. Our men with their double penis' and a need to cuddle and talk about yer day are eager to meet with yer weemen.

They maybe already here and always have been. Every time the space shuttle cums back what kind of microbe invader has attached itself to the tiles to give us new strains of flu's? What the fuck are they doing putting tiles on a space ship? Yeah we need a nice wee mosaic or back splash its the 21st century where are my fucking force fields?

Lets not give the aliens computer STD's 0r shoot rockets at them lets accept them. " You didn't take out the trash and do you think magic fairies lift your dirty space gunties from the floor? Try aiming at the toilet for a change if I wanted the bathroom green I would have painted it green and when are you going to get a job? my mother was right about you. We never do the glowy finger thing anymore and you only tell me you love me when you're drunk."

"For the sake of Xenu woman shut the fuck up and get me another beer I swore if I could do this all again I would never have invaded your idiotic planet. Also get me a chicken pot pie Glenn Beck is about to come on to Fox, I knew him when he was just an egg on the Mothership.

Stephen Hawking who I up until recently thought was American (because of his mechanical accent) is one of the world's greatest minds or so we are told but what the fuck has he done? Come up with an idea for world peace? invented a super duper armour to help him get about?

Cured aids, ALS stopped world hunger? no he studied sun spots, did some math and yapped about the cosmos with that silly grin on his face. Is Old Knudsen the only one that wants to fuck him up? I'm not afraid to hit a raspberry ripple::::smack::::: not so smart now roller boy.

Well done Arizona you lead the way in the fight against aliens .......... of course the cartels on the border are really fucking you up but since yer national guard are in Afghanistan and Iraq maybe you should think about hiring more police and securing the borders so they'll all move along to New Mexico and Texas, A wall of vigilance to combat the aliens .

I don't want illegal aliens here because they get everything .............. millionaires you know, well according to Glenn Beck. Old Knudsen would feel safer if George Lucas hadn't fucked up Ronald Reagan's Star wars program.


Thursday, 29 April 2010

Un- Cool Aid

Maybe making criminals do community service work isn't such a good idea.


Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Feel Free To Go Fuck Yerself

Old Knudsen feels the need to weigh in on the complete balls up British Prime Minister Gordon Brown texture like sun made after he spoke to a 66 year-old former lollipop lady on one of his walkabouts in the dirty sin ridden area of northern England known as Rochdale.

Gillian Duffy a widow at first heckled Brown before she got to talk to him. She talked to him in the similar way Old Knudsen has heard Americans speak, Old Knudsen being white and British the people here forget that he is an immigrant and so speak freely. She said: "In Falinge, we have all kinds of immigrants living there and at one of the schools, there are 18 languages spoken. There are a lot of Polish people as they have shops opened for them. We are not saying it is a bad thing, but we don't want people coming to live here and claiming benefits."

Yeah um I'm not saying Poles are bad but not in our backyard , we still have all those blacks that came over in the 50's.

Old Knudsen does think that if you move to another cuntry in which the majority speak a language then learn to speak it but in schools with differently aged children that may not be so easy. We are all immigrants or children of immigrants so fuck up and get over it the world is getting smaller.
I get told over here about Mexicans getting all the welfare benefits, I guess they must get special treatment cos Old Knudsen doesn't qualify for anything, in fact the born and bred Americans are lucky to get anything................ its not a socialist state you know, no council houses here and the government doesn't give a fuck.

After the talk with Mrs Duffy Brown got into his car but forgot he still had his mike attached.

Some of his conversation with an aide was caught on tape "That was a disaster – they should never have put me with that woman, she was just a bigoted woman."

Well she is 66 so how the fuck does the 18 languages in school effect her? Just collect yer government pension and wait to die like the rest of us.

The shock is that Gordon Brown texture like sun didn't like her and possibly the way she referred to the million Eastern Europeans flocking to the UK and no doubt he didn't want a straight forward conversation in public with an angry woman.

He has since been apologising to anyone who will listen especially Mrs Duffy.

The UK doesn't have free speech so any conversation or point of view is subject to scrutiny unlike the USA when then Vice President Dick Cheney told a Senator to "Go fuck himself" when questioned about all the shady business Cheney put towards Haliburton.

If only we had free speech in the UK then it wouldn't be such a big deal, "Oye Mr Brown, wot about all thems nig nogs, fuzzies, muzzies and slavs that live in Britain, can we not build a fence to keep them out or at least lock them up on the Isle of Man and bomb it along with the poofters?"

"Thank you for your question now GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

If this is the silly thing that lets the Conservatives win the election Old Knudsen will personally punch Mrs Duffy on the back of the head. I can say that as right now I'm in free America, unless you are an Obama aide who tells a Jewish joke of course then it isn't so free.


Review Of 24

Agent Jack Bauer works for the Counter Terrorist Unit or (CTU) and he is not to be trifled with. Old Knudsen hasn't had trifle in years ach the things you think about while on prescription drugs.
Recently I started to watch the TV show 24. Its been on since 2001 so I thought I'd now see what its like. It has to be the most un-intentionally funny/stupid show there is. Everything happens in an hour and fair play to them they can really fuck things up in an hour.

The selling point to me for watching this show was Dana Walsh as played by Katee Sackhoff.

She plays a psychotic double agent that glared 'evil eyes' just before she killed someone to preserve her cover.

Katee and I have had a love affair ever since she frakking well played Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica, she doesn't know about it but some day she will be mine!

The head of the CTU is Chloe O'Brien who goes around with a face that looks like an angry teenager about to stomp off to her room. Like the love child of a goblin and an elf.

Freddie Prince Jr is an agent who to be honest doesn't look too healthy, working out too much maybe and what the fuck is up with that hat? who do you think you are?

They had a black president and now a female president, like that could happen. President Allison Taylor tells everyone of developments as they happen then wonders how the enemy got the best of her, she can be talked into anything and in fact her Vice preez just resigned because of it.

They hero of the show Jack Bauer is the only man alive that can make Chuck Norris cry, one episode he won't be able to shoot shit and the next he gets them with every shot. Not afraid to over act Jack Bauer has lived on the edge and laughed at it.

"You don't know what I'm capable off, I said half pepperoni and half mushroom or I'll kill you and your family, got it? oh and some bread sticks with extra marinara sauce please."

Watch this to see his most funny/dramatic scene.

"You don't know what I'm capable of, just tell mom to have my jeans washed and dried by tomorrow or I'll kill you both." You didn't really think I'd put a Youtube up did you?

"You don't know what I'm capable off, work the shaft and swallow the gravy or I'll kill all that are dear to you."

"I am Jack's angry penis, you don't know what I'm capable of."


Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Four Score And Elevenityseven Years Ago

Abraham Lincoln was born 1809 (6:09 pm) in a log cabin near the town of Buttfuck Kentucky. Like other boys he often got into trouble. One time he chopped doon a cherry tree with his big chopper just for kicks. His parents were mightiful angry as that was their main source of food. "I cannot tell a lie" said young Abe in a shrill high pitched voice (unlike the ones actors give him these days) "It was Toby Old man Knudsen's slave."

Toby whose real name was Cuntykinky La Forge denied everything which as we all know is the first sign of guilt, he was flogged for hours until a bright light made him disappear into thin air .

Lincoln felt bad at the lie and the loss of the slave and so decided from then on to be honest Abe .

After a lot of studying he got his law license and became a cunt. He used to keep important papers in his hat along with his lunch and a 6 pack of beer.

He dated Mary Todd who gave the best blowjobs in Kentucky, trust me on this, after they married she stopped doing them of course. He needed a hobby and so became president.

Since he wasn't getting any head he started to work out . He didn't believe in slavery and unlike other presidents before him had no slaves. Some think he went to war with South America because of slavery but he had stated that he wanted breathing room in other words the land in the south and said if slaves are freed and we beat the south then good but if they aren't freed oh whatever.
Being a Republican he believed he had a mandate but his wife never found out and he finally got some head.

Lincoln won the war against the south when he nuked Brazil and celebrated by going to the theater to see 'Whoops up yer skirt' .

There was a gun shot and a man jumped from Lincoln's box, it was the actor Powers Booth star of Red Dawn and Southern Comfort, some heard him shout " Sic semper tyrannis" which is Gheylick for 'thus always to tyrants' but others heard. Its that cunt Old Knudsen.

Its true that a Scotchman holds a grudge until revenge is exacted or he dies. Old Knudsen had the alibi of taking a group of orphans to Horse camp at the time of the murder and even though young athletic Toby was a great slave he says he did not to harbour any ill will towards that cunt of a president .
Old Knudsen became spiritual advisor to the next president Andrew Johnson, it was Knudsen's advice that made Johnson buy Alaska, actually that was a wee joke, how the fuck could anyone know there was gold and oil in that ice box?

In 1875 Johnson died of a stroke, it was his 18th stroke in a row, Old Knudsen said "doing that at yer age will kill ya you damned dirty American" but Johnson didn't listen all he did was look up with a smile and said "Im coming" then he died obviously having seen the angels of Heaven.

The facts are cloudy but this is how Old Knudsen remembers it. I left out the car chase to give the post some pace oh and I hate orphans....... needy wee fuckers.


Monday, 26 April 2010

Boobquake The End Of The World

Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was sitting on the shitter pinching off a loaf towards Mecca and came up with the reason why the world has earthquakes. No not shifting tectonic plates as that sounds fucking daft no it is because of weemen getting on like hoors.

By George I think hes got it!

“Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes,’’ said Sedighi as he wiped his arse with his American flag loo roll and licked his fingers clean as is their way.

Jennifer McCreight a US student set up “Boobquake” a Facebook page and she has enlisted more than 50,000 women (at the time of this writing) who are promising to show as much cleavage as possible on Monday, April 26. And if the world doesn’t then collapse, then Sedighi will have to admit he was wrong and clerics know less than Old Knudsen's shite.

Old Knudsen knows that a promise made by a woman doesn't really count as they have no souls and probably do cause earthquakes but wouldn't it be great if weemen all around the world showed off their boobs in a show of unity? I've been trying for years and will change my begging tactic to one of scorn, sorry but I thought weemen were too smart to fall for this old trick otherwise I would have done it years ago.

Old Knudsen will of course help to end the world with cleavage and scantily clad weemen. News just in Sedighi also said that hot chicks making out causes tornadoes and if weemen sex anyone up whose name is Old Knudsen the world will shift on its axis. Lets prove the fucker wrong yet again.

I bet Sedighi is praying for an earthquake today and hey wouldn't it be shite if he was right?

To think, the volcano and earthquakes that go on in Iceland are due to weemen using their evil powers of seduction on us poor helpless men and not because Iceland sits upon the join where two tectonic plates meet. Weemen should maybe change their ways, did you know that 96% of rapes around the world have a woman involved? I shit you not and I stand by that statistic 24% of the time.

I'm starting to feel something myself but I don't think its a quake.

If this picture doesn't cause some kind of natural disaster then I don't know what will.

While we're in Iran:

Three University of California Berkeley graduates who were hiking in Iraq were taken prisoner by Iran when they used the old, 'they were in our territory' excuse. Didn't we show you were lying cunts when you used that one to detain 15 British servicemen and one ugly woman in 2004?

Josh Fattal, Shane Bauer and Sarah Shourd have been held for 9 months and Bauer and Shourd are in poor health. For fucks sake its Berkeley, they are fucking hippy types no doubt vegans too of course they are going to get ill.
I'd advise the Iranian government to let these 3 kids go , you haven't charged them with anything and you have no good reason to keep them, if they die on yer watch Old Knudsen may have to get his crew together and take you doon.

Listen up Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, if that is indeed a real name and not a disease, I know its the silly season for churches to talk through their arses, but how about wising the fuck up? Islam used to be the religion of enlightenment and learning now its a shag yer camel free for all. Quit getting on like the Vatican with the ridiculous blog fodder, release the people you have jailed for no good reason or..........

You force me to post yet more and more of these destructive pictures until a quake hits Iran and turns it into a sand box from which yer prisoners can just walk out of.

Do you think I enjoy pictures of these barely clad weemen?

You force my hand sir!


Old Knudsen is so secure in his sexuality whatever it is terms and conditions may apply that he will do anything that some so-called real men wouldn't (grabbing balls is acceptable in a fight, but licking them isn't) why does he have a bra in his possession? for religious reasons........... Thor and Loki both dressed in drag and so it is fine to honour them and like the way it feels too. Jesus wore nappies (diapers) so stop with the fucking judging. What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? I could tell ya but you'd be horrified.

For Boobquake day this will be Old Knudsen's Facebook profile picture ........ ok let the mongs begin.
"Why don't you look old?" Nice of you to say, I work out, moisturise and just had a Hollywood skin peel. I peeled the skin of many a young runaway in Hollywood, did you know that in Hollywood 95% of waiters are struggling actors? not surprising as from my experience they are all drama queens...Ka-Chow! Manuel.
Back to dumb questions I so you don't have to bother to ask them. "Why are you so white"? Its awesome isn't it , why are you so stupid? "Why would you post such horrible pictures?" Old Knudsen thought the bloke with the bottle up his arse was worse. "Why can't we see yer nipples" Well Facebook has a problem with weemen having topless pictures but not men so to support Boobquake and my 'Facebook are nipple Nazis group' I covered them besides its not like they do anything ............... ok the left one may give out a quart of milk every 3 months and the right one weeps blood at Easter but thats it.

A note to MJ, you really do not have to post a link to my arse picture in the comments.

Ok then has the world ended is this thing still on?


Saturday, 24 April 2010

Old Knudsen's Boobquake Support

Get ready for Ragnarok my friends. Boobquake the shot in the eye for the Iranian clerics who says hoorishly dressed weemen are responsible for the worlds earthquakes.

Old Knudsen will join in the thousands of weemen who have decided to show their cleavage on Facebook and blogs and will 'really' show his own baps in support.

Monday 26th, get em out to say fuck you Iran and give me something to wank over. I dare you.........


Friday, 23 April 2010

Heroes Of The Future

I'm sure we're all very grateful that Flash Gordon saved the world a few times from Ming the Merciless and his farts of doom! I also know we appreciate all our freedoms too. If Ming was in charge we'd all have numbers since the day we were born in order to track us and we couldn't even move from cuntry to cuntry without passport containing a computer chip, our computers and laptops would upgrade and doonload without asking us and our phones would sneakily dial the Interweb giving Ming and his rape gangs our information.

We are all grateful to Flash and totally understand how his cock could fall out of his short shorts and only seems to happen when the schools get out. Old Knudsen just wonders why he prefers to use a Volerian penis gun to fight with.

Lets discuss how Fred Kowalczyk went on from being a humble Carpenter to becum Buck Rogers porn star and hero of the future ............... sorta like the tale of Jesus but more believable.

The weemen in the 25th century are tall ,sexy and wear lip gloss, they are also built like 12 year-old boys hubba hubba.

The robots have penis shaped heads and an attitude. "Bidi bidi bidi go fuck up a rope piss stick you fat hairy cuntpop and western listening caveman twat!"

Kowalczyk's later character of Skip Intercourse 'Space leader' though a favourite then president Ronald Reagan was a failure and canceled in the middle of the first season. He went on to developing Tad Horny which gained cult status with the Heaven's gate UFO religion group until 1997.
Tad's straight to x-rated DVD tagline was, "I'm going in fast and hard, this could get messy".


Thursday, 22 April 2010

Smell Me I'm Irish

We all have to do things that aren't pleasant , things we would really not want to do, but thats enough of yer Ma!

The reader of this blog should know whats happening in Old Knudsen's life but I'll remind him/her/it about my future events cos blog readers have the attention span of an American child.

Oh lordy nice cold water with yer white muffins of love begging Old Knudsen to take a bite.

What was I saying? um oh yeah pay attention ya ADHAD fuckwits or you'll taste the tip of me bayonet.
Old Knudsen had to bribe a few Irish officials with some bags of spuds in order to jump the 50,000 back log at the Irish passport office.

Maybe ya should get some connections and lean on a few important bog trotters. Lines and back logs are not for Old Knudsen he is the front of the line kinda guy. If you take yer turn in America you get branded a Socialist, well they really mean Communist but Yanks aren't too bright, too much Foxy news watching, which is like listening to Ben Affleck on who to vote for.

Its official I'm now a muck savage. I had to prop it open with the mag from me rifle that killed 400 Bosche at the battle of little big man during the Cold war as the passport was as stiff as Old Knudsen when he wakes up everyday.

So fuck ye all ya Plastic Paddies and 2nd Class Brit wanna be's , you can dye yer hair and watch Celtic woman while you claim yer grandfather was Irish ............ from Chicago on his Granada's side and you don't know which part of Ireland.

Old Knudsen is the real thing or 'ting' as they say in gheylick. In order of importance I now have a Scottish passport that refuses to be stamped by the English, an Ulster passport that says "No Surrender"when opened but is very insecure about its identity and so lashes out in tantrums, a British passport that wants nothing to do with the other ones and now an Irish one that is lazy as fuck and smells like pish, no wait maybe that smell is cumming from me. I have sent my money away and will soon have a Nigerian passport as a sort of retreat plan if necessary.

Here is my stock pile of weapons which I will destroy/sell on E-bay if the British government pays me one million pounds, none of those Euro things as I don't believe them to be real money.

No seriously pay for my plane ticket or I'll have to blow something up and get deported, my motherland is calling me, "Oh oh the green fields and rolling hills, where I first set eyes upon me sweet Eileennnnnn"

See whats happening I'm singing songs about Ireland ignoring all its third world (turd world in gheylick) short cummings.

Next I'll be getting drunk, swearing a lot and picking fights .............. no really its almost noon time to get started.