Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Actual Dangerous Zombies



If you go to a city and then to the outskirts, not even to the more rural banjo bible thumping regions you'll see that the people in both places are different. City folk are more pushy and nothing will phase them, "They were kicking the poor man to death and I just thought why doesn't someone stop this ? if I don't get past I'll miss my bus." The townie types would open up a few cans of beer and watch.

The folks in other cuntries are different too. Old Knudsen having a PhD in American studies and the study thereof knows the Yank and pities the Yank for they are feed fear by the media and hormones by the government.

The typical American has had all thought of rebelling against the government bred out of them, now they have tea parties and hold up strongly worded signs. Now Old Knudsen was a part of 'Project wuss' in the early 50's, we went to the dangerous mountain gorillas and treated their bananas in chemicals until they became less dangerous now all the great apes do is charge a little and thump their chests, before they would turn yer hed into jam.

Old Knudsen loves a zombie film and the majority are set in America. If Americans turned into zombies they may lurch towards you looking like they want to eat yer brain but all they would do is give you a good old moaning.



Now its true that I do see the odd zombie lurching out of The Travelers Arms early in the afternoon but the traffic usually gets them. If the people of Northern Ireland ever got turned into zombies you'd really be in trouble. Not putting up with any of yer shite they want and will get yer brains but they will also have their fun too.

Centuries of fighting against the English, Irish, Themselves and anyone that looks at them funny has turned them into brawling machines, ach ya should see my ma.......... maybe ya have ya dirty shites. Norn Iron (slurring forms many of the Ulster Scots words) zombies will carry a litre bottle of drink and get liquored up before they knock yer shite in fer fun and then they will eat yer brains..... nom nom nom.

If ya live in Northern Ireland, Scotland or some parts of northern England it may be safer if ya become a zombie or pretend to be Canadian cos everyone loves them.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

TV Presenter Says Fuck!




Ruth Langsford some British daytime television hoor who Old Knudsen wouldn't know if she passed him in the street was trying to get to one side of the TV studio to the other off Camera but didn't make it and so said, ''Oh fuck, we're not there yet!'' which was heard by dozens of desperate hoosewives across the cuntry.

Langsford is married to Norn Iron fat fuck Eamonn Holmes and presents a TV show with him.

Ok so it was a slip of the tongue like the time she said, "fuck it" in March 2009 and she wasn't giving the go ahead for Eamonn to get a battered sausage supper if ya know what I mean. Back then she said she was misheard and she said, "suck it" which is totally fine for daytime telly . Now the saucy bint claims she stubbed her toe and said "fuck" and apologised on her Twitter page and also on the telly. Old Knudsen always follows his swear words with "were not there yet" but he does not believe Langsford.

Why do you have to lie?



Just cum out and announce yer a dirty mouthed slapper and the cuntry will respect you. Holmes is a total wanker and has been known to let the odd profanity slip especially if you get in his way in real life. Like the comedian who did an ongoing gag about Holmes eating everything in sight then saying ,"I was fierce hungry, so I was" only to be threatened with legal action and his joke removed from the BBC and a public apology given to Holmes.

Old Knudsen has never liked Holmes and doesn't like his wife but its a small cuntry so I'm bound to see them at some time in Tescos. I saw yer man Christopher Eccleston who played Dr Who at the job centre the other day. Old Knudsen was looking for a job or at least pretending to in order to get some of the free money the government doles out . I waved to him and said, "So ya left Dr Who so ya wouldn't get type cast, that GI Joe was a great flick!" Yet again more celebrity swearing.

Speaking of fuckers that need to die. Yon ice-cream man drives past my hoose playing the Teddy bear's picnic very loudly about 3 times a day, I'm going to find out where he lives and play the Entertainer at full blast on his days off. FUCK!......... we're not there yet.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Competition Time


Old Knudsen is making up this competition to make yer dreams cum true. Now the questions below have to be answered 100% correctly because no doubt there will be a lot of dissappointed people that don't win.

For the chance to win an all expenses paid night out with Old Knudsen merely answer these simple questions.

  • Are you available up to the 20th November?
  • Do you have a nice car?
  • Will you buy Old Knudsen drink, ciggies and a sausage supper on top of his other expenses for his all expenses paid nite out?
  • Are you willing to bribe or fight security to get Old Knudsen backstage?
  • If Old Knudsen blows chunks or makes some other wet mess in yer car will you get on like a yappy shite?
Tables are £28 (per adult) and booths £24 (per adult) Old Knudsen wans a table up front so hurry up and win this comp and book it..... Good luck.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Why Old Knudsen Cannae Like Yon X- Factor Shite

Since arriving back in the UK Old Knudsen has noticed that the whole cuntry is set to a disco beat. Every shop, restaurant and mall has over loud camp disco music blaring away. "ach don't be a disco hater" I hears ya say but really is the silence of everyday life not acceptable anymore? I know people have their Walkermans and Ipods but maybe some people would rather be able to communicate without shouting to others when buying a tube of their favourite anti-itch cream.

Its a recession and nearing Christmas so Old Knudsen would like to know who is in his killing zone and having Instant replay blasted at me ruins me keelers edge.

The more cooler music such as Springsteen, Bowie , The Doors and Rabbie fcuking Williams are never played but hey Old Knudsen respects yer lack of taste just keep it to yerself in yer earpods.

The X-Factor which is one of Simon Cowell's abortions is painfully popular, I can understand weemen watching it but it saddens me to know that men enjoy such things too ............... the terrorists are laughing at you sexually confident half men.

Cowell has sat in his poorly fitted hairy nipple jumpers and t-shirts giving his much valued opinions on several shows such as Pop Idol, American Idol and Celebs on the doon low and who really cares what he thinks? He gave us Robson & Jerome and altered their voices to trick people into buying their song so I don't think I care what he says.

Old Knudsen hates live music, he also hates movie sequels because why tamper with the original? Only on the very odd occasion is a sequel or cover better than the original . In the X-Factor you hear all this undulating from 50 year-old fat fcuks who have decided that after 30 years pulling pints at the Dog and Whistle it is now their dream to be stars, yer boat has sailed its nearly time to die.

You get these people that all look like Usher or Sporty Ugly Spice and hey when they aren't putting in too many sillybals in the words or inappropriately rapping they may sound ok but not stars, even with a baby and a sob story.

You get semi decent songs ruined because they just leave out entire lines or make the song their own ............. its not yer own ya cunt but now I hear yer version in my head because it was just so bad.

There are so many songs Old Knudsen hasn't heard because it seems the UK had this whole Gurls Aloud era and anyone from that time wasn't famous in the states so he may hear some ok songs because he doesn't know how they first came out and they all sound the same anyway.

Remember the old Kit Kat commercial? ya can't sing ya can't dance, you'll go along way. Old Knudsen is tired of being told about the trends he is supposed to like, when will people in their mid to late 30's realise they are too old and no one caters for their age group? well ok except for Susan Boyle but she was fcuk ugly and therefore a novelty .

I'm done I've wasted too much thought on X factory shows I'm off ta bed to dream of being a talentless poppy star and maybe someday opportunity will knock........... but really the least effort I can make the better.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Kiss My Roundabout America


Nah don't worry about Old Knudsen he is fine. Sure after a load of years in America with fcuk all visas doing the jobs Americans didnae want ta do (ones that involved effort) under the table and sometimes under yer Ma the on the ball US immigration service found him and deported him.

Maybe using ID's for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency and Home land security that I had printed off me computer to shake doon hookers and get free pancakes at IHOP (International Hoose Of Pancakes) wasn't such a good idea but it was good while it lasted.

Old Knudsen had long since had enough of America and wanted to get back to the UK as the trouble he had caused there was sure to be over though my home toon of Killamory is still too dangerous after that recent crop of babies popped out all saying "Ka-Chow ya cunt!"

Northern Ireland is the place Old Knudsen resides in now which is where me mammie's side is from. If ya go out of Belfast in the only direction that won't take ya to proddy culchies and gheylick speaking bandits you'll get to the Ballyscud road and if ya stay on the path and avoid the full moon you'll get to the beautiful town of Castlerathdun .................. DO NOT make eye contact with anyone.

Old Knudsen lived there years ago when it was only Castlerath and the civilisation of KFC had not yet reached there but now its all fancy with its own public telephone box that doubles as a public toilet on a Saturday night.  Norn Iron culture is fab! people are less guarded about the Troubles now and happily accept Fenian cocksuckers as almost equals which is nice.  Brown people and Slavs prowl the streets with hardly a second glance, well unless they go into a shop cos then they have to be watched.
The inside smoking ban is a nuisance because Old Knudsen likes to enjoy a fag as he waits for his Dr's appointment, now the busy shop owners and the like have to stand outside of their doorways and smoke like some kind of hazy nicotine advertisement. If ya can't afford any ciggies just walk doon High street and inhale.

About 95% of weemen are bleach blondes and most people are very sporty ............. well they wear tracksuits.

"All right there" is used as "hello" or as a "may I help the next customer please" smiles are for the weak and who wants to display British dentistry at its best?

Everything closes at 5pm and by 5.30pm if yer still out yer fair game for the wolves and the zombies. Nothing is open on Sunday as that is against the Bible, if yer out being a rascal on that day the zombie wolves will get ya.
Simple rules of the street it will only be a matter of time until the zombies and wolves are going home early to avoid me.


Old Knudsen has been applying for jobs and visiting the local useless cunt factory......... or sometimes called the Jobcentre, I am hoping that the Kiss o gram job cums through I mean 15 pound per dance and a chance of a raise.
I looked through the attic of my hoose 'One way manor' don't worry its just a name as Old Knudsen does it everyway and has no manners. I found a treasure from the distant seaport of Portavogie so to hold me over for money I'll be going on the Antiques Roadshow. 




 

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Leaving Callyfornia

Old Knudsen has left the building also the cuntry. A man burnt out and on the edge deported for a crime he did not comit, well he sort of did comit it but he was only acting on instructions from Gog who spoke to him while he was on the medication Sinestro .


For security sake Old Knudsen will not tell you where he has gone but there is a clue in the above picture.
Who knows what the future has in store for Old Knudsen and when he will return? He will not forget any of you, well he probably will since hes old and all.

There is a little Old Knudsen in all of you........... yes quickly go wash it out with bleach.

Always question what everyone takes for fact.
Hate people for what they do not what they are.
Learn to trust yer instinct.
There are more things in heaven and earth, you cunt, than are dreamt of in your um dreams.

If you ever need Old Knudsen just phone up yer emergency service number and ask for the storm bringer, they will deny all knowledge of me and may threaten to have you arrested hang in there its just their cover. If my fellow agents dressed as police do not bring you in I shall contact you after 3 days of tailing you if I see its not a trap. 







Sunday, 12 September 2010

Doon With The French!

The French are yapping because not only do they have to work a long 35 hour week, take most of August off on top of other holidays, get free cigarettes and wine as part of their health care and are never expected to fight during a war but the government is talking about raising the retirement age from 60 to 62 .............. OMG!!!!! Ya know who is getting blamed for this? no not the Germans who have already raised it from 65 to 67 but instead the British who are now talking about raising their limit from 65 to 67 .

The French as usual are striking and burning British products. " How dare the French government copy a superior cuntry like Great Britain they may sometimes say" well actually its more like "Down with these Anglo-Saxon ideas" yeah that is their insult towards us..... Anglo- Saxon. Come on lets be a little less 11th century here. Sheep burning, cheese eating surrender monkeys who make love with their mouths and fight with their feet, Frogs!

Mon nom est Pierre ........... yer what is itchy? how about ya stop talking in that mongish Lol cat speak and talk proper fcuking English and why the fcuk do you smell like yer sister's cont and garlic?

Old Knudsen is boycotting French things as a protest so don't be expecting to see him up the Ethel tower over in ghey Parree any time soon. Did you know that on French flags the red and blue are held on by velcro so in case of an emergency they can be removed to reveal an all white flag? ............ true story.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Lurgan Whats That About?



Lurgan is about 18 miles south-west of Belfast with a population of about 23,000 , mostly spides, hoods, inbred banjo players and sheep. The name Lurgan cums from the Irish an Lorgain meaning "the long ridge" which was probably the name of a pub.

The town was refused the honour of being twinned with Londonderry because The maiden city (Londonderry, Derry, Free Derry, Diet Derry) didn't want to be associated with lowly educated sectarian mongs and a high crime rate.

Stay tuned for my post 'Londonderry city of lowly educated sectarian mongs and a high crime rate'.

Lurgan thought to be the ground zero for the 13th century strain of the Bubonic plague known as the Lurgie which killed millions and whose birth defects such as slurred speech and the need to throw things are still felt today. It also proudly boasts of being the leader of the most cases of fetal alcohol syndrome in Europe............. I'll drink ta that!
Many Ulster leaders throughout history have spent most of their lives trying to broker deals for the Republic of Ireland to take it back not even the efforts and a huge bribe from Bill Clinton in the late 90's could talk the Irish government into taking it.



A Lurgan beauty queen .

The act of rioting in Lurgan is seen as a civil right and the towns of Portadown and Craigavon along with Lurgan is known as the "murder triangle" but that is only a name to sensationalise the violence as its not really a triangle more of a straight line.

The terror campaign of Protestant/Catholic violence has been escalating over the past couple of years and now wheelie bins who up until now have been regarded as neutral have now been targeted for death by dissidents .

Twelve cases of E. coli have broken out amongst children in Lurgan last week. The army have moved in and have relocated 38 families to holding camps and a plan to purge Ulster of Lurgan using nukes and napalm is being discussed at the government offices at Stormont.

No famous people have ever come out of Lurgan only ugly.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Superman Is A Muslim!



Part eight in our hard hitting series finding out the people who are secret Muslims trying to destroy civilisation and stopping the consumption of bacon with our eggs. Obama, Prince Charles, Cher and Pope Benedict XVI have all been found to be freedom hating dog kicking Muslims.
Next of the list is Superman, AKA Clark Kent. Strangely enough there is no record of him having American citizenship or having entered the cuntry legally even though he works for The Daily Planet which is part owned by the Saudi prince Alwaleed bin Talal the business partner of Rupert Murdoch.

The Daily Planet declined to comment on Mr Kent's legal or work status but Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has been informed.

Superman's father Jor-El is from Kryptonistan and is thought to be a top ranking member of Al Qaeda or at least may own a Koran.

A little more digging and you find that Superman's real name is Kal-El which may mean ' death to the west ' . Where was Superman on 9/11, why is he not stopping the mosque being built two blocks away from the sacred ground of the WTC site which has been ear marked for a really cool and respectful mall and why does he wear his gunties over a tight spandex outfit like a big fruit?

Superman's base of operations the Fortress of Solitude is said to be found either on the Pakistan/Afghani border or in Topeka, Kansas.

Old Knudsen has never met a Muslim but he is pretty sure they all want to kill him and rape his young nephews. Never trust any religion that preaches love and peace.

Next on the Knudsen search for truth: David Cameron the Prime Minister of Britain is a Christian! why else would he be such a donkey raping twat who enjoys the smell of his sinless farts?

Saturday, 28 August 2010

The Truth Will Set You Up



Glenn Beck a Faux news mouth piece who goes the US stereotype conservative route with ' God is white right, Obama is evil and socialism is scary because Americans are too good to pay taxes' you know, the usual tired crap that still gets them elected so bigots can force 'their' ideas of freedom onto the rest of the nation thus giving the world its modern day concept of America that is loved by all.

The man that hack writer Stephen King once referred to as "Satan's mentally challenged younger brother" which is the best thing he has said in years and unlike his other stuff 'should' be made into a film....... yes set in Maine.

Now Beck was told by God to hold a rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the spot Martin Luther King Jr spoke about his dreams 47 years ago ........ its no wonder King got shot, dreams are like photographs people only want to know about them if they are in them or someone is having sex.

Uppity black people like Al Sharpton don't want whitey using black civil rights icons to further whitey's cause and so is holding his own rally near by.

Al Sharpton listens in on police band radio in case a police officer (of any race) looks at a black criminal the wrong way, he is just as nutty as Beck and like Beck , truth is something only he knows.

Beck who wanks to pictures of Sarah Palin has promoted his rally with the controversial former reality show star God "You're going to see the spirit of God unleashed, unlike you have ever seen it before. At least at a public function." The rapture maybe? lets hope so cos when all those dry shites get beamed up to Heaven the world will be a better place and the gene pool will be cleaner.

No more idiot news stories about Noah's ark being found or vases being dug up in Jerusalem which therefore proves Jesus attended as wedding there. Yeah people seem to think time stands still no one moves hoose or clears up after parties in 2000 years.

"America, today, begins to turn back to God" says Beck ........ um what about the holy wars America is waging with Islam and the gheys? No darn tootin ghey marriages or insurgent lovin mosques dang naggit. As the average American may say.

Its a pity the Bible doesn't have anything about immigration in it so that can be interpreted as immigrants being evil. They just lump them all as Illegal because they are brown and speak Mexican ........... it must be true cos Old Knudsen is white and can speak English when he chooses to and no one asks him if he sneaked over the border in fact they complain to me about immigrants (yes my people) because they think I am one of their own .

Old Knudsen has seen dickheads of all colours and believes you to be an arse until proven otherwise.

The rallies today are the same as those countless ones throughout history. Different names, faces and times but its the same vague agenda getting a dissatisfied people whipped up into a frenzy by giving them imaginary enemies who are the source of all their woes.

These people don't think too much which is ok as long as Beck, Rush Limbaugh , Sean Hannity , Bill O'Reilly and all the other fcuk faced angry conts can make money off the hate and feed the wrong right with the proper opinions.

Just because its right wing doesn't make it ' right ' just as saying the gospel truth doesn't mean that it or the gospels are true. Evil is taking over the world and not doing the right thing the good thing is becoming the norm. People look at you with disgust when you hold open a door for them and their baby laden stroller to get in or honk horns when you stop to make room for a car trying to pull out, common courtesy has becum uncommon.

The right thing is disguised and hidden by spin rammed doon yer throat constantly like a 12 inch cock of lies in a gangbang of deception. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

To give honest Abe the last word .... well he was as honest as any politician can be . " When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. "

Friday, 27 August 2010

Friday, 20 August 2010

Spin Doctors And Memory Loss

Operation Enduring Freedom or the war in Afghanistan will be 10 years old in October. While you hear how many have died and how much the war costs in almost up to the minute detail you never hear about how much the government has earned from the war.

I'm sure that with China and the US working together to rape/mine the worlds largest copper deposits thirty miles south of Kabuil in the Aynak Valley since 2008 some money has to be getting made by someone...... the $88 billion from the area will weaken the insurgency so they say.

Be wary when men in fancy suits tell you how broke they are because that may only mean they are doon to their last 10 billion.

Since the mid 90's the US have been involved in a power play in Afghanistan. Hardly new news but unlike the death and cost toll its a subject that isn't touched upon much.

Ever wonder why the first WTC bombing in 1993 didn't start a war? maybe that was because it could be brushed under the carpet so it won't sour any deals.

Unocal, Enron, Haliburton and Chevron have all been in Afghanistan long before the US troops, trying to negotiate deals with the main power in the area ' The Taliban ' to get their twin 1040 mile oil and gas pipelines built in a move to bypass Russia in that energy rich region.

Chevron who had bought out Unocal even had Taliban leaders over to Texas for a visit to see the NASA Space Center and the Houston Zoo in 1997............ ah good times.

Then the Taliban had to invite Osama bin Laden over to Afghanistan who then spoiled the deal by favouring an Argentine firm over the Americans because the Argentineans went to the trouble of sipping tea with Taliban leaders and Bin Laden had issues with Yanks being in his homeland of Saudi Arabia.

You hear its all about oil, well its also about natural gas and the fact that the recent wrangling over the cuntry has been going on for years long before 9/11 and all during the time when Osama was with the Taliban bombing embassies and killing Americans in an attempt to lure the west to invade Afghanistan........ yeah he isn't some uneducated camel jockey he got an enemy he could fight on his soil and ignite the fury of all the other Islamic extremists. It was a trap folks and greed was the bait.

Months before 9/11 in early 2001 Secretary of State Colin Powell gave the Taliban a deal sweetener of $43 million for “humanitarian purposes” because we know the Taliban are so into that. I'm sure the US and all the other governments have made their money 50 times over by now.

Try not to believe headlines that tell you about the last combat unit leaving either Iraq or Afghanistan. Its all  PR spin considering 50,000 troops and special forces get left behind in so-called noncombat roles not to mention all the private contractors .

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Prince Charles Is A Muslim!



If you go by this undated picture you can clearly see that Prince Charles is a Muslim. He has not commented on this subject nor has he shown his birth certificate to prove otherwise. His father is Prince Philip of Denmark and Greece which as we all know are very close to Mecca.

In 1997 he had his first wife killed in an honour killing after she started to see a man from the Harrod tribe.

Charles whose family changed their name from the Muslim sounding Saxe -Coburg -Gotha to Windsor in 1917 has spoken out in favour of building a Mosque/organic vegetable farm12 miles from a Christian church which is built on sacred ground ....... ok the church was actually built upon an ancient pagan temple as many Christian churches are but thats besides the point as its the sort of thing Muslims would do .......... too.



If you needed further evidence just look at this picture of the Prince of Persia with Obama Bin Laden discussing plans to bring the western infidels to their knees with affordable health care for all and the withdrawal of troops from much needed wars of terror no doubt.

Stay tuned for my next post in which I discuss how George Bush Snr and Jnr are agents of Islam going by their actions in the Iraqi wars, Bush Snr called for the people of Iraq to rise up then pulled the US troops out early and let Saddam slaughter those who opposed him and Bush Jnr invaded Iraq for no reason other than to swell the ranks of Al Qaeda........... mission accomplished.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

OMG Like War Is Kewl



Eden Abergil a 26 year-old did her stint as a reservist with the Isreali army, she caused a stir recently when she posted pictures up on her FaceBook account posing with detained Palestinians. The IDF whipped up a televised statement with an clean cut American like captain saying how shameful this is and not what the IDF do and that the IDF help out in Haiti and transport aid into Gaza ......... yadda yadda yadda as I'm sure he may have also said being Jewish and all.

Abergil doesn't know what the fuss is about and joked on her FaceBook about looking to see if the prisoners are on FaceBook and maybe she should tag them. Israelis are um how shall we say this? fanatical zealots, and love to bash Arabs , many of them don't see Palestinians as humans but as enemies which is why she doesn't see anything wrong in her pictures. I'm sure she'd build a naked pyramid and point at naked genitals because she has the power over these less than human people with ways that are strange to her.

Isreal certainly learned from what the Nazis did to them because they are now doing it themselves. It does feel dirty to have them as our allies but there you have it.

She is making light of a situation in which scared people are zip tied, blind folded and not exactly at their best. Like the IDF soldiers getting captured as they nap on tanks and the recent boarding of the Gaza flotilla ship this is not very professional behaviour.

Maybe Old Knudsen is remembering a time where soldiers didn't interrupt war to answer their mobile phone, take photos or text their BFF. In all jobs there should be a time when you don't have yer phone on you and if you do have it then it should be turned off. In the military I'm sure having a device with GPS on it isn't a very smart move .

In March a soldier in the IDF told the time and place of an upcoming mission into the West bank on his FaceBook page and the mission had to be cancelled, he was court-martialed and sentenced to 10 days in prison. He would have been given 20 days if it was on Myspace as that would be totally lame.

People worry about FaceBook privacy all the time but you can only give out what you put in, if only there was an app for bad judgement .

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Pet Peev 486 - Believing What TV Shows Say



In the TV series 'Covert Affairs' Annie Walker as played by Piper Perabo is a 28-year-old CIA trainee who is suddenly promoted to field operative. Little does Walker know the promotion wasn't because of her full pouting BJ lips and sex me up eyes, it is an attempt by her superiors to lure out her former boyfriend who unknown to Walker is a top spy............. duh duh duh.

Pretty realistic huh? The key role of the CIA is intelligence gathering, failing that a lethal injection between the toes will do. If the series is based on real life events it isn't a surprise that the CIA are so incompetent, a trainee half-way through her training put out into the field and a blind guy back in the office monitoring operations.

These shows are a bit of fluff just some fun but what gets Old Knudsen is people believing what they say.

American bloke: "Did you know that the CIA aren't allowed to carry weapons on US soil?"

Yes someone did get this info from Covert Affairs and did pass it on thinking it was true because the show says so . While it is true that most CIA employees do not carry side arms since they are mostly pen pushers the CIA does have a Security Protective Service division or SPS which deals in the security of buildings and employees etc.

Considering the whole American gun courage ideal that is held so dear and that city officials do under the table deals with the police to be able to carry guns when they don't have to I'm sure that many CIA who have not learned to kill with a Bic pen or rolled up magazine like Jason Bourne do indeed carry a weapon. Also in the field it depends on what the agents are doing at the time.

The CIA do not operate on US soil but in the series they do ......... a little bit like how the FBI are used in movies and TV, they have a generic gun and badge so they can go anywhere and investigate anything I call forth the series X- files and the newer one Haven as examples of sanctioned rogue agents. No jurisdiction or state laws because a 45 minute TV show doesn't have time for agents who fear for their jobs by not following the protocol of bureaucracy.

Ms Walker in Covert Affairs should be given a gun because when the bad guy is beating her up she has been saved by Mossad agent, MI-5 double agent and her ex boyfriend who all had guns but who cares since she is nice to look at.

Try to remember people its only television.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Drifting Along

I stand in the aisle looking for Anusol bum cream, no way will I get useless Preparation H on the whole you are dead to me where is the Anusol? I've been awake for most of the night scratching my rusty bullet hole so my powers of concentration are not very good or maybe I'm under physic attack from a Witch.

I look around me at the other aisles why do weemen with terrible looking saggy arses wear troosers with something written on the bums? While I looked at yer 50 year-old pancake arse to read 'Pink' I missed out on yon bubble butt, thank you madam!



My gaze stops at a pretty young lady looking at the shampoos it isn't a moment of stalking my 1000 yard stare just happens to settle of a beautiful expressive face and all around me gets tuned out. I'm no thinking about my itch or what she would look like naked this is a more pure adoration like when you hear a piece of music that pulls you in to enjoy every little bit of it on a deeper level.

And then she does this.



She stands open mouthed like a whale trying to catch plankton for 20 seconds as she yawns , during this time the spell is broken and I see her as a mere mortal who would rather look dumb and gleek over everything and everyone than cover her mouth. I bet she coughs over everything too and uses her mobile phone to talk to people as she sits on the shitter.

Its just as well as I'd probably follow her home and stand in the shadows as the lights go on and off in her hoose then I'd search her rubbish , damn do I hate being in the thrall of a Witch, why do they pick on Old Knudsen?

Friday, 13 August 2010

A Muslim No Go Zone In New York



World leaders will always make decisions that have people up in arms misspelling protest signs, starting FaceBook groups and shouting doon anyone with a different opinion than theirs. Old Knudsen knows this better than anyone because he has studied the fine art of what pisses people off.

A Brit telling a Yank about their own cuntry really gets to them, Gog forbid a dirty foreigner should know more about it than they do........... No illegal immigrants aren't living off yer Welfare system, are you fcuking stupid? Americans can't even live off it.......... Yes you are losing two wars in the middle east and if you think the world hates you now just see what happens when you leave........... Yes poor education and circumcision does make Americans males angry and more likely to rape and abuse weemen........... Yes yer government hates you and you already have socialised medicine its called Medicare.

Obama is a tool but Old Knudsen backed him because the alternative was McCain and Sugar Tits. Eight years of Bush fcuking things up like the booming economy he took over from Clinton and invading two cuntries because one of them threatened his daddy and the other that was set up by the US just wasn't working anymore. A tough act for an inexperienced senator to follow.

Now Obama backs a mosque being built near Ground Zero in New York, if you read the outrage about it you'd think they were building it on Ground Zero. The fact is that its 2 blocks away on privately bought land and because this is becoming an issue the world will think of Americans as being total cnuts rather than just the stupid cnuts they are usually perceived to be .

The Mosque is touted as being 'a hub for interfaith interaction, as well as a place for Muslims to bridge some of their faith's own schisms.' oh and it has a swimming pool.......... fcuking A. If you want to take the moral high ground America even the Muslims have to get the religious freedom you hold so dear.

All Muslims do not support Al Qaeda or the tragedy of 9/11, so does it make sense to hate everything Muslim? The 9/11 cnuts were black haired men whats next hating Gerard Butler? away an fcuk no one hates Gerry on my watch! So is there to be a Muslim no go zone in New York? if so I hope that will apply to other regions in other places for instance no Jehovah witnesses around my hoose.

Don't get Old Knudsen wrong he doesn't like Ragheads or anyone else to be honest but he really dislikes injustice. If you have lived in Northern Ireland for any time during the Troubles you would have found it very easy to say "Fenian Irish Fcukers" every time an IRA bomb killed someone and yer view of Irish Catholics may very well be tainted. Its the same thing you may have a son or daughter in Iraq or Afghanistan and hate Muslims because some of the crazy ones want to kill one of yer own .

Remember there are fanatics in every religion just ask the very Christian Fred Phelps about that one . Hate the terrorists and their supporters not the whack jobs that just happen to be Muslim, Catholic or Protestant, they have lost reason and win out when you lose yers too.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Star Trek Ka-Chow!



Commander Riker: I hear the new Lieutenant is an expert on First Contact.

Lieutenant Commander Knudsen: I heard Yer Ma was an expert on First Contact ......................

Ka- Chow!

Saturday, 7 August 2010

I Made This........... Dickhead

video

Coming Soon

Where are the big movie stars of today? has everything just gone so pedestrian that even the stars are ordinary. So-called hunks like Clooney and Pitt have lost their window, Mel Gibson has lost his mind and Tom Cruise has lost that loving feeling sure they will still have hits but their big time is over and soon it will be back to the actor's standard ploy...... wearing a fake nose.

Maybe we just know too much about our matinee idols. The enquirer will tell you about Brad and Angie splitting up every other week and who has cellulite in a swim suit and well the mystery is gone.

What is on at the cinema? I hear there are a load of ghey CGI gladiator/300 films are coming out maybe I'll oil meself up and go someday. All I hear about now is inception, not from Hollywood buzz but because there is fuck all out. I mean Twilight and Karate Kid who by the way does Kung Fu so away an fuck. Salt........... people are chasing Angelina Jolie because they think she is a Russian spy to be honest I don't care if she is or not but Brad Pitt plays her husband who is also a spy, no wait thats another film.

After seeing the sneeze scene in Outbreak (way to go Hollywood for hurting future box office sales) it takes a lot for Old Knudsen to pay to be in a room with horrible noisy germy strangers sitting on uncomfortable seating for 2 hours.

Old Knudsen is uninspired to go to the flicks and will be happy enough to wait at the $5.00 bin until something he wants to see cums out.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Flares Are Back In Style



The Solar Dynamics Observatory of NASA spotted a solar eruption or “coronal mass ejection”that is causing neutrinos to penetrate the Earth making the temperature of the Earth's core increase rapidly.

A representative of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, Charles Frost stated, “It’s the first major Earth directed eruption in some time and even though it may cause many mega earthquakes and the displacement of Earth's crust causing the magnetic poles to shift we here think its kinda beautiful”.

The mainland United States may be able to look toward the north tonight and Wednesday evening for rippling curtains of green and red light if the CME triggers aurorae. The sky should be clear and it will be dry with a chance of scattered fireballs.

So far two strong earthquakes 7.6 and 7.2 have struck Papua New Guinea 325 miles to the northeast of the capital, Port Moresby 31 miles beneath the ocean floor.

Taiwan also suffered a 6.3 earthquake on the ocean floor about 47 miles east of Hualien City at a depth of 10 miles.

The US government has issued a tsunami alert for coastal areas of California but when questioned on why Dick Cheny had sealed himself up in his bunker a spokesperson said, " Mr Cheny has decided to spend more time away from his family for health reasons."

When pressed about excessive troop movement around the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center in Colorado and reports of huge ships being built as a secret project intended to ensure the continuity of human life with tickets for the ships only going to a privileged few, President Obama could not comment as no one had told him about it nor had given him a ticket.



On a lighter note a happy looking former President George W Bush jokingly flipped off the press and told them they were all going to die as he packed up to go on an extended cruise around the world, what a kidder. A well earned holiday Mr President after eight joyous years of service to yer nation.


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Monday, 2 August 2010

All Laid Bare

Old Knudsen gets asked a ridiculous amount of questions a day, it seems when yer a public figure people take liberties and think you belong to them. Old Knudsen hasn't belonged to anyone since he was a gladiator slave to the emperor Maximus Penetratious . I hope to answer some of the more repetitive ones.

Silver bullets do not kill me I just shite those things out like a slot machine. Sunlight does burn my skin and has been known to make my balls sweat. I can drink holy water but only in its frozen state and when mixed with alcohol or I get angry and turn green and me trousers turn purple ......... not a good look for me.

In my various lines of work I have had to kill people but I don't want to talk about it as its something I'm no proud about. No wait I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot I was pretty proud of that yin, 2,080 on a rough body count and thats no including playing Mafia Wars then there are the ones that you think are dead but don't want to chance it so you drill em again on yer way past and do ethnics count? they didn't back in the day like Irish but laws change and I cannae keep up , well like I said I don't want to talk about it.

I am not afraid of Lemurs their big judging bug eyes make me uncomfortable not scared!

The man who tells you he has no fear is either lying or hes Old Knudsen. I laugh in the face of danger and giggle behind the back of Doom.

There is nothing wrong with being ghey but I'm no a poof. Prison, the military, long sea voyages, gurly boys and drunken mistakes can in no way be included to form any assumption about me. Before you say it I'm no in denial, NO NO NO!

I can start an argument in an empty room and I despise it when people agree with my opinion even though that is the correct thing to do, ach I'm a complex person.

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were already separated when my name was dragged into the whole thing and Susan and I are just good friends. I have on occasion drove her home and we have understood each other many times but only in a rough but good friendly way.

God does exist as I've met him, a total prick I must add so I usually hang out with all the false Gods instead at least they don't rape young gurls then let their child get tortured to death. Talk about control issues, I tell him control is an illusion but hes a nutter.

The reason why my DNA is found at many crime scenes is that the Devil plants it there.

I do hate everyone that is true though I have warmed up to some. Won't save them during the great cull when the mothership gets here but I'll make it fast.

I do not walk the line nor cross the line. The line is simply not there and if you take offense then the terrorists win which means yer a cont for losing to them.

Painful 4 hour long erections happen to Old Knudsen every three weeks or so. I'm no complaining in fact its good to see movement at the old battle stations.

There is so much blood in my stools I sell them to vampires as lunchables.

Yes I am really an old man in fact my birth certificate was done by the same guy who did the 15 commandments, oh you only know 10? well that explains why Christianity has been getting it wrong all these years.

World leaders do ask my opinion but they never listen.

I did beat up Captain America and his army mutant minute men when they wouldn't let me go south to sell the guns I had recently bought at an Orange county gun show . He lay crying and bleeding as I declared, "Commerce is the American way ya commie cont" its bad when a foreigner such as I has to re-teach Americans their own values.

Old Knudsen may be old but he does like to stay in shape in fact he has the body of a 20 year- old which reminds me, gotta go its feeding and lotion time.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

The White Side

Mel Gibson stars and directs this movie in which he plays as a raging alcoholic LA cop burnt out and on the edge with anger issues in this light sided look at how Jews start all the wars.

Gary Coleman in his last role as a 42 year old young boy who is adopted by Gibson shines and will doubt be remembered on Oscar night when he does a Heath Ledger and wins for a so so role that involves no acting.

This film will have you saying, "What you talking about you crazy cracker?" and if you don't cry at the extremely graphic and prolonged lynching at the end then you don't have a heart.

Eekbert and Raper "This movie will knock yer teeth out".

Klan News Weekly "If you don't see this movie then you deserve to be raped by a pack of niggers"

Mel Gibson " I'm Mel and I'm a fucking arsehole and an alcoholic its been 3 minutes since my last drink and you look like a fucking Vegas hoor and those tight pants are so provocative its embarrassing I can see yer pussy from behind".


This film is rated PG -13 but will not be shown because the Jews run Hollywood.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Fucking amazing, you can get my new posts on me Wordpress blog via me Twatter updates if ya didn't know. Old Knudsen just doesn't know what to do with himself and no he isn't taking suggestions maybe I'll start up another 8 half arsed blogs .

Saturday, 10 July 2010

A Marching Season Wish

On the happy occasion of sectarian celebration in Northern Ireland Old Knudsen wonders, why can't the pedos and the blowhards just get along?

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

We Want To Protect You

The Food and Drug Administration(FDA) is an American government agency responsible for protecting the public health by assuring the safety, efficacy, and security of human and veterinary drugs, biological products, medical devices, our nation’s food supply, cosmetics, products that emit radiation, and tobacco products.............. so they say.

  • Mobile (cell) phones do not cause tumors they cause happiness, unless texting while driving terms and conditions may apply.
  • Seafood from the Gulf of Mexico may be tainted in colour, taste and odour but the public should not worry.
  • Most Sunscreens have been found to accelerate cancer and the SPF is a total lie. The FDA see this as a positive thing as who has time these days to wait on getting cancer?
  • Public drinking water has an acceptable amount of perchlorate if you are worried just add some lead for taste.
More about the FDA here

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Old Knudsen Is Still On The Line



Me and Vince Vaughn were hanging out talkin about our time in prison when he mentioned that Blogger is doing with blogs what the Russians are doing with the Chechens, making them disappear . From what I can see MJ the Queen of filth has been "removed" and so I sit and wait for mine to go too.

I had hoped to carry on when my mood and living situation was better but who knows? My blog is kinda full up so I hope they just hide it from everyone else except me like they did with my last blog that someone flagged, Gog forbid you should show pictures of man's inhumanity towards man, " Oh no a terrible atrocity lets hide our eyes and complain rather than learn from it".
Fucking cunts!!!! What will be left? oh yeah tame slightly amusing blogs and mummy blogs with fawning commenters.

Old Knudsen does despise any club that will have him as a member that is true.
Old Knudsen will never be a mainstream success ............... who fucking cares?
Old Knudsen knows he is better than the rest but can't be arsed right now.
Old Knudsen knows he scares the shit out of the mainstream people by not being predictable.


Its just a matter of time before they clamp doon on everything free and fill it full of ads........ have you installed Ad block plus yet? Old Knudsen never sees any ads. Then the Domains that are paid for will be tighter regulated no one is safe because you always have to go through someone else.

Being fucking hilarious for free can seem a little pointless after a few years but when my opinions build up they need to go somewhere. Fuck it would be sad if I wasn't removed where would my Messiah complex be then?

Have I mentioned lately that I AM the way?

Its just a matter of time before I return to full time blogging but will there be a blog or a place to return?

Ach 15 people were killed in Baghdad, ethnic cleansing in Kyrgyzstan and a 'shoot to kill' policy , BP has painted the sea black which is so 1980's, Catherine Zeta Hoorbag got a CBE and Old Knudsen got nothing yet again and Rob Green fumbled with his ball in the World Cup letting the Yanks tie. Bigger problems than cunty Blogger but it always starts small like this.


Times are achanging, I'm hoping for a zombie apocalypse meself. You can cut me doon Blogger/Google but I shall only grow stronger.


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Sunday, 30 May 2010

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Monday, 17 May 2010

A Sucky Idea

Sir James Dyson with funding from BP and Halliburton has invented a way to get rid of the oil slick in the gulf of Mexico. At Cyberdyne Systems Corporation a subsidiary of Halliburton he will be using the surplus of children to build a cyborg army of oil terminators to vacuum up the oil.



The latest in a long line of ideas seems like a winner as long as muscle bound Austrians are not involved.
Dyson is also working on a project called Skynet which he can use to send these terminators back into time before people found out how much Halliburton was charging the government to run the war of terror and kill those who leaked the info.

What could possibly go wrong?




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America Fuck Yeah



America is a wondrous place where any two faced lying, cheating racist cunt no matter how ridiculous you look can becum a hero and you may even get the chance to marry someone like Sandra Bullock or becum a senator or even president all depends on race, only white or white friendly non-threatening people may apply.

If you are famous you can murder yer wife and some other guy, lawyer up and get off with it. Of course if you do take the piss and do some other idiot crime you'll end up in a cushy prison getting back rubs from some inmates known as " The Gurls" and treated like royalty. Pretty good huh? OJ Simpson is the man!

Pedos are welcome and even Hollywood stars defend their actions in the hope of working with them some day.
I see British actress Charlotte Lewis said Polanski raped her when she was 16 . Is it really rape if yer famous? Also that 13 year-old he drugged and repeatedly abused well that was way back in 1977 so it hardly counts as a crime, Elvis died having a shit that year which I believe is vastly more important.
If it was yer own daughter you'd think nothing of it right? so way ta go capitalist Hollywood at least you know money and fame trumps hurt feelings and hoo hoos.


A cuntry not bogged doon with history because the American way is to forget and just hate for the moment because life is too short (mostly due to diet) In 2003 France was hated by many in the US ......... Old Knudsen hates them on a permanent basis which is fine as they are Britain's ancient enemy.
French fries (chips in the UK) were named Freedom fries, bottles of French wine (vinegar in the UK) were poured doon the gutter.
If it wasn't for the French backing up the traitorous Americans of the revolution the Yanks wouldn't had won on land in 1781 and at sea in 1783. The French have always had a habit of stringing the enemies of Great Britain along with promises of help, just ask the not so bonnie prince Charlie.


Nixon was forced to eat peaches or some kind of shite because he sweated on TV. Nixon is a hero, he was a man ahead of his time who set up the patriot act on the sly long before George W Bush ever had the nerve to. Now not only can yer cell phones (mobile phones in the UK) be tapped but Jack Bauer can triangulate yer arse and find you, or simply use the installed GPS on some models.
Nixon was pardoned by his old Vice president but the stigma hung around the poor fella.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are fucking class. Eleven workers may have died on the oil rig that blew up in the Gulf of Mexico .......... whatever, no publicity is bad publicity you'll still buy our shit!
While the oil may be making its way up to Greenland BP, Transocean and Halliburton are entertaining us with ideas of giant top hats, funnels, human hair sponges and lets throw junk at it ideas also blaming each other for the spill.
I suspect a lower BP manager (not BP America) will do the British thing and shoot himself in his office with his service revolver and everything will be ok , well except for the pollution.
The FDA will do a test on the blackened water and say its safe to drink. Sorry safe for the public to drink and Halliburton will sell it bottled as a new energy drink called ' slickade.'

57% of water wells in the US are contaminated with nitrates the FDA are happy with this. Animal waste seeping into the water table and sold to consumers all over the US. Hey don't get me wrong its no a third world cuntry here could Mexico have made Avatar? fuck no! you just can't drink the water without yer kidneys dying or getting cancer. Lucky everyone has health care.

Fuck the water, fuck the land and fuck the children. America is about more than that. Its about freedom, taking liberties and sayin yer bigger and better than everyone else and that takes a particular type of bravery especially if you can't really back it up with results.

The military have been using an eco-friendly ammunition round to make guns and shooting at shite more popular I suppose. While the round melts in the heat of Iraq its great for training with in the US and other not so hot places.
The old rounds had perchlorate and potassium which left a nasty taste in yer mouth when shot with and had bad chemicals that contaminated the perchlorate in the drinking water.

Old Knudsen salutes the US military and the government in its many ways to save money in order to keep yer freedoms free.
If ever there was a priority it would be an environmentally friendly round so when you invade cuntries at least those stone age ragheads will have clean drinking water.

The world has a lot to learn from the Americans, well the Chinese did learn a lot from the CIA manuals for interrogation so well done.
We Brits tried to tell the world but after ruling a up to a quarter of it for a few hundred years, well you just can't tell some people and they have to learn from their own mistakes.

Oh and for any tea party wankers who hi-jack historical names, this isn't an anti-American rant by a non American if its true it isn't anti-American so fuck off on yer power scooter ya fat bastard.

Remember the first rule of fight club............ no survival, I mean survival, "Don't panic."



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Friday, 14 May 2010

I Don't Care


In the beginning I was conflicted about people who were actually dumb enough to use their real names for blogging and the sort. I thought well these people are obviously not going to cause any waves and their lives are such open boring books with none of the security issues of terrorists, evil family or mean co-workers and are as tame as Ned Flanders never saying, "cunt, wank, pish, shit, rimjob motherfucker up the bum no babies I'll rape yer cat ."

Then they join Facebook, a free social network invented by a drunken student. Old Knudsen wonders that when they set up email accounts and the such do they give their real details? You could if you wanted to give Facebook a lot of details depending on yer stupidity but why would you, zip /postal code? what about Beverly Hills 90210 thats one of my favs to use and such a great show full of angst.


Its like when a policeman stops you and asks yer name do you give him yer real name or bluff it? Yes Old Knudsen doesn't walk about with ID or any identifying labels on his clothes, ' old habits die hard and live free' you may find my Mum/Dad tattoos but I don't include their names.

I do have a scrap of paper with my real name and details on it somewhere as ever since the weapon X experiments my memory ain't too sharp.

I give Facebook fuck all info they can use even the truth is based on a lie and the lie is wrapped up in an enigma covered in salad cream which is as we all know pourable sunshine.
Old Knudsen is in control not Facebook. Really I don't give a fuck what I tell them .

Now you have people all over the place complaining about phishing and information selling, here is a tip: Don't use yer real name, date of birth and if anyone asks for yer phone number then tell them to fuck off.
Why all the yapping Facebook is free, no its not going to start charging as all the groups say, that is a panic rumour as confirmed by snopes.com if ya don't like it then stop using it.

Of course if you surf the web without virus protection and click on anything in sight then yer just a mong.

Sure computers get hacked and friends pass on virus' with those idiot send this to 5 friends or you die forwards but quit the fucking yapping no one is making you log on.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

I Search And Then Research



If you follow Old Knudsen on Facebook you see the letters PhD after his name. Now I don't like to brag about all my qualifications, numerous military medals for valour or how how many times I've tapped Helen Mirren Old Knudsen is merely a humble blogger even though he is also probably the new messiah if you believe the next National Da Vinci treasure code movie about to cum out starring Nicholas Hanks.

I do not squander having 12 or so doctorates unlike some who use what they have learned to graft octopus arms onto themselves. I use my PhD for what it is meant to be used for..... to be an elitist cunt who thinks hes a doctor, yes I do laugh when asked "Is there a doctor in the hoose?" and when I get to the unconscious person I burst out laughing cos the jokes on them, oh sorry I thought you wanted to talk about science, philosophy , tits or history :::::::::sniggers::::::::: as person dies.

I have finally finished my 4 years of research into why the Lord of the rings is so popular, besides the 40 million in funding had started to dry up.


The answer is midgets!

Who the fuck doesn't like midgets? Even top Nazi Dr Joseph Mengele liked midgets and if he liked midgets then maybe Nazis weren't so bad after all.


Just think if the cast of Stargate SG1 were midgets then maybe it wouldn't be so shite ..... I'd watch it.

I wonder if priests only diddle children due to the lack of midgets? I smell new research and funding. I just have to get Obama over the whole stigma of me heading all of those Bush think tanks, if only he could have done a third term I was so close to making a choke free pretzel and disproving evolution. I just want to club to death and rip apart all those who think humans came from monkeys, that would mean humans like animals didn't have souls.......... totally un-scientific.



When Obama calls, and oh yes he will. I shall tell him he should go ahead and start using the V-22 Osprey multi-mission, military tiltrotor aircraft because despite its safety record Old Knudsen would trust it to fly any of his beloved readers, its safe as hooses terms and conditions may apply to hooses being safe .


Yes Hilary has learned from the Polish government plane crash and totally has me pussy whipped into getting Obama and Biden on the Osprey.




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