Saturday, 31 January 2009

Who Is On The First Lady, No What Is On The First Lady

I'm no into conspiracies but when I heard all the talk about Obama not really being president because first he said the wrong words and then he said the oath without a bible I investigated.

Take a look at the first photo, it looks like he is doing the Islamic sign for Satan with his right hand and his left hovers over the good book. The rumours about him not being able to touch a bible because it burns him may very well be true.

What is Roberts looking at and what is he listening too?


Take the same photo through a high spectrum ultra cunty lens and you see that Roberts looks more like Dr Cheney evil mastermind and Quail hater.

Obama's hand is yet again not touching the Bible and now his fingers are crossed.

I will not say what I think is going on here I am just presenting the fax. If pressed I would say it was about fear of lawsuits for Mr Obama's future actions, a technical loop-hole if you will.


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Thursday, 29 January 2009

Happy Families

I don't actually have a post for today. Why you may ask yerselves? or you'll just say, "so fuck" and click on some inferior blog which is any other blog I just want to celebrate 'The Family' no not the Mafia but speaking of which when someone mentioned Canada to Al Capone he said, "What street is that on?" its true I was there I was disguised as a broad in order to assassinate him.

It all went badly we had a few drinks and I gave him the syphilis that killed him ......... so I killed him-ish but didn't get fucking paid I don't wanna talk about it.

The family which is a man and a woman and some kids is a sacred institution, none of that new age shite with gheys or single mothers looking after kids thats just crazy. Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy came from traditional families and they went on to becum famous hoosehold names.

Obama came from a single parent and look where that poor sod ended up, on a sinking ship with the rats fleeing back to Mexico.

My logic and reason is impeccable you can argue but you'd be wrong.

I have known Brad and Angie separately for years and was so happy when he dumped that Aniston slag, she never liked me a secret leezer probably.

I do find it flattering that the Bradster is trying to copy me and has even put a flat cap onto his child.
Lovely looking children by the way I was just all too happy to help out, I um mean by baby sitting of course.
Oh Angie they never learned the word 'Cunt' from me it was no doubt from one of those savages you adopted, dirty children.

Well I'm off to watch Marley and me. Hahahahaha only kidding Brad in case anyone doesn't know the dog dies in the end, it gets rabies and is shot don't feel bad about it Owen Wilson looks through its kennel and finds a ton of puppy porn, turns out Marley was a pedo.

I give it 2 thumbs up, no really if yer dog is a pedo sticking yer thumbs up its hole is the only way to cure it, or is that how to stop a bear attack?


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Wednesday, 28 January 2009

A Lovely Puppy Post

From the Telegraph

Snowy, a Jack Russell terrier, was born into a litter of six and then sold to new owners who gave her back when they realized she was deaf .
Passed from home to home and snubbed by her littermates, she became shy, withdrawn and would cut herself to get attention .

She was handed over to staff at the Dogs Trust Salisbury Shelter in the U.K., they found that she was actually very intelligent and soon was responding to a series of hand gestures meaning sit, stay and walk . "Snowy is very bright and learned remarkably quickly, so she's picked up half a dozen commands already," said trainer Leslie Carley. "When she first came in she didn't have a clue what was going on and would chase around causing trouble."

Some of the signals Snowy now knows include "Down" (point to the floor then flatten hand and move downward parallel to the ground), "Walk" (rotate fists), and "Relax and be quiet" (put index finger to lips). She is expected to add new signs to her doggie vocabulary in the coming weeks, and staff are hopeful that they will be able to find Snowy a home due to her newfound obedience.

If you want a trendy designer deaf dog click here



I feel dirty after that post. I have points and questions about this. When the dog barks does it bark funny like the way deaf people talk funny? No offense to any deaf people reading this, can deaf people read? I've heard stories about how some deaf folk don't want treatment to enable them to hear because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. Very fucking dumb if you ask me, what are yer ears for then? not for holding yer glasses on as being near or far sighted is natural no wonder Snowy was told to fuck off by her litter.

When yer deaf dog is barking away you'd have to throw a stone at it as it couldn't hear yer yelling, maybe one of those electric shock collars with a remote. For anyone looking to be the next Mrs Old Knudsen I must warn you that wearing one of those collars is in the prenuptial agreement.

Sign language my arse, if its so fucking smart it can get a job. I'd teach it sign language with a rolled up copy of the Telegraph :::whack::: this is a sign to stop shitting in the hoose :::whack::: this is a sign to stop wanting fed everyday :::whack::: and this is for the Queen, what a lovely woman she is.

I've heard about blind dogs or all seeing eye dogs which sounds far-fetched and mystical but not deaf dogs thats taking the piss, next there will be fat dogs riding power scooters and dogs saying they only bit the Postman because they are Bi-polar or "What slipper? I have no recollection of any such event."

There is an expression, " The more I meet people the more I like my dog" or is it kick my dog? anyway it was a Yank President so don't believe it. If dogs are becuming more like people then I have no use for them.
I don't want a dog e-mailing me saying it refuses to lick peanut butter off me balls due to the semonella scare.

Useless Information:

Mutt and Jeff is rhyming slang for deaf so is Corned Beef but you have to be from my part of the world as you pronouce it 'Deef'.

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Kittens


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Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Greed Is Good


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Two Faced Cunt


AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! feel my rage/pain/discomfort.

The Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland Martin McGuinness launched a strong attack on politicians from the Republic of Ireland who said that people traveling to Northern Ireland to shop were being "unpatriotic".

Quick lesson in geography for the Americans
. The Republic of Ireland is Ireland actual, full of Irish people who didn't fight against the Nazis in WW II because then they would have to side with the Brits who they hated more than Nazis........................ Many brave Fenians joined up on their own to fight the Nazis.

There is a border that separates the Republic (The South which is Irish ) and Ulster (The North which is British) Northern Ireland is a part of the UK and has the Queen on its money. They did fight against the Nazis thus earning them health care and Welfare like the rest of Great Britain.

McGuinness said:

"I think it is very patriotic for anybody born on the island of Ireland to shop on the island of Ireland,"

also:

"There were a number of tremendous evils in our society, one is racism, the other is sectarianism and I think an evil also is partitionism".

"What we need to recognise is that there is a free will of the people," he added.

The reason why people are crossing the border is because shops are doing a Pound sterling = a crappy Euro in order to entice shoppers. All about value.

The Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, said "We live in an island and people will make their choices, the important thing is that we provide best possible value for money and deal with the cost issues that arise."

Yes I said 'Taoiseach' which means in gheylick (head bogtrotter) so feel free to nominate me for best use of the Irish lingo in the Irish Blog awards.

Yes his surname is of Scottish origin don't think I didn't notice that.

Are you wondering why I'm annoyed yet?

The shithead on the right at an IRA funeral.

McGuinness joined the IRA in 1970 aged 20 , which is the 'Irish Repubician Army' a terrorist group as the real Irish army are in no way aggressive and don't even have weapons, pointed wooden sticks don't count.

By the start of 1972, he was second-in-command of the IRA in Londonderry.

He was convicted in 1973, after being caught with a car containing 250 lb (113 kg) of explosives and nearly 5,000 rounds of ammunition and was sentenced to six months imprisonment.
In the court he declared his membership of the IRA "We hav e fought against the killing of our people... I am a member of Óglaigh na hÉireann and very, very proud of it ."

There more gheylick, that means 'Warriors of Ireland' which is funny because they are cowardly, murdering terrorist scum, that should be worth the most bitter nomination.

So he doesn't like racism and sectarianism huh? two of the things the IRA have stood for and killed for.
Partitionism? killing yer own people didn't really bring yer cause together did it? even Ted Kennedy eventually snubbed you over it when public opinion about the brave IRA freedom fighters changed and they were seen as the scum they are.
Its bad when a Kennedy snubs the Irish.

The free will of the people? For years all the people wanted was peace but no the terrorists on both the Catholic and the Protestant side wouldn't let them as they had their own agendas. In 1998 they even voted for peace.

Ach it makes me mad the way some people just change with the wind and say whatever it takes but really think something else.

You may be a part of the government now Mr McGuinness, taking yer lunch money from the British but on a short leash you'll always be .............. I'm watching you.

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Monday, 26 January 2009

I Remember When All This Was Fields

Having done a 'deep' post, well when I say deep I mean deep for my readers as most of them read at an 8th grade level which would be 3rd year in a real school. I'm no sayin thats a bad thing I for one am envious as when I was 6 I had to get a job to support my Da and my 12 brothers and sisters, it wasn't until I was 9 that I found out I was actually in a street gang of pick pockets run by the evil Fagin who was fag in by name and nature anyway we were close.

Well I like this picture as it represents the world and my struggle to rise above the rest and see the truth plus its got a ginger in it about to feel pain. I obviously took this pic here in Southern Callyfornia when I was watching the lads do their bike stunts.

You know kids today don't listen to the wisdom of the aged and use words like, "Fuck off" and " If you keep watching us I'm telling my dad who'll kick yer ass" Where has the respect gone? I shouted over, "No don't shove those intestines in just hold them in place until the ambulance gets here" did they listen?


So is that a BMX or do they have a super duper cool name for them these days? its hard to keep up.
Remember when you were young you knew alsorts of unimportant shite and thats what kept you young and cool, now I don't know what the kids are into. It all seems so trivial.

There used to be this puppet in the UK called Emu (pronounced aimyou not e-moo) it was that Australian bird like an Ostrich and a fella called Rod Hull had his arm up it.

The bird took on a life of its own and would grab celebs and talk show hosts by the face and threw them to the ground, ah British culture at its best.

Violent, funny and good for the whole family .

In 1999 Rod Hull fell off the roof of his house while he was adjusting his TV aerial for a football match and died aged 63.
TV kept him alive and TV killed him. His son Toby took over the bird and he has cable TV.

Nowadays birds won't let you put yer hand up them and the kids have Emo (pronounced e-mo) its not the same.

Last week I was reading the lovely Pearl and she said about quotes making her feel old like when she quoted the Holy Grail at some young uns and they didn't get it. I gave this matter a great deal of thought and think its really also a knowledge of pop culture and history and that anyone at any age can have.

I had a wife who was only 5 years younger than me (God rest her soul) and she never got my references or jokes, yes that was the piano wire across the top of the stairs wife in case you were wondering. I hated that bloody piano, just because you can play half of Chop sticks doesn't mean you can play the piano .

Well with those lads and their bike stunts I was laughing at them and asking if they needed lessons on how to ride their bikes and as one kid kept on and on trying to lean his bike over and stand in the side and still move I shouted, "Use the force" which he got, you have to pick and choose yer quotes and dumb them doon. No wonder those kids are always fixing at their bikes.

I remember when bicycles had solid rubber tires and only one brake at the front, never stop at speed or you'd go over the handlebars, ach I remember when bicycles were called 'Bone rattlers' and a bike was the village slut.

Now if I could remember whether or not I took my pills today that would really help, the older you get the more yer short term memory goes, thats because there is fuck all worth remembering these days.


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Wet Dreams May Cum


Thunder only happens when its raining, not true!

I always wondered what the Aborigines meant when they said the dream world was the real world. I thought to myself, ' stupid wogs what do they know?' more and more I am cumming to the conclusion they are right.
I always knew there was more to life than what we see not everything can be explained away.


Sleep always seems to be the key to everything. If yer sleep is off then you don't function very well and you can be prone to physical and mental illness. Suicidal folk see death as a release from pain or a rest that they can't find in the waking world sleep usually eludes them which messes up their reasoning powers.

I think a little bit of death in the form of a coma would help those poor folk out for a bit and help them cope until they were ready to crack again. death is a wee bit too permanent.

People often ask me, "Old Knudsen what is the after life like?" I say I'm glad you asked me.

You go into the afterlife every night.... Yes a form of self induced death that helps you right? Whatever yer dreams are like then that is a taster of the after life.


We make our own heaven and hells in life and in death. If you died now yer after life would be effected by how you died , what state of mind you were in, what kind of person you are and yer ability to cope with situations.

A depressed person may have bleak horrible dreams. Someone who died horribly may have nightmares. Alternatively they may go and live in a happier place because that is what they wish.

It explains why a lot of ghosts or spirits are stupid confused folk, they live in a dream like existence and sometimes go back to people or places they know or are strongly influenced by.



Astral travel or out of body experiences are a type of controlled dream. In fact in yer own dreams many people can control their actions and situations this could cum in handy in the afterlife as you can then work out what has happened to you.

I believe in reincarnation but why oh why can we not remember our past lives? As the wise man Michael once said as he rowed his boat, "Life is but a dream" Dreams fade or maybe you can remember bits.

Not my usual type of post I blame the wood glue I was huffing. Get yer head sorted out, get rid of past hates, forgive and like yerself and have a good afterlife. See you on the other side.



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Rub Me Until I Spit


Famous movie star and shagger of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt turned up at his latest film premier showing his support for this blog.
Sporting an Old Knudsen cap and mock MJ vadge clipping on his upper lip he sauntered in like he wanted to knock fuck out of some Englishman or American.
His designer Old Bitter Balls members only jacket made out of 100% genuine suede and retailing for $2000 looked class as he stood with his member hanging out of his open fly.

He proudly showed off his Old Knudsen penis procedure that is all the rage in Hollywood. Its rumoured that during sex both he and Angie moan my name as they cum.


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Sunday, 25 January 2009

China In Recession




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Sunday Service

Its Sunday and who gives a fuck what I post on a Sunday? You should be at church or something.
I'm sick of the Hollywood elite, look at George Clooney here, who are you to judge? she is just sitting there looking fucking ugly as the sign describes and a bit creepy. Its not like you are so attractive Mr Clooney, its not like you have warm dark eyes with a glint of mischievousness and a dazzling smile that makes everyone who sees it feel so special. How dare you Clooney!!!! I hate the way you treat people after you have yer pleasure with them you treat them like hoors when you tuck taxi fare into their gunties and shove them out of yer Hollywood home, I hate you I hate you.

Call me............


Caroline Kennedy ended her bid for a senate seat. Isn't it funny she did so just after I slagged her off on this blog? Yet again Old Knudsen and his influence shines. Rumfeld has kept his head doon since I got him fired do not make me angry for you will not like me when I'm angry ....... or happy.


For the sake of this part I shall give the fella a fake name. lets call him 'The Trall' In the Obituaries in the paper it gave some details about a dead bloke as Obits very often do. It said: 'He also enjoyed cooking and riding horses' I hope he didn't do both at the same time. Napoleon's troops sliced frozen bits off their horses as they rode them but to get a pot to boil on a moving horse seems very difficult.

They didn't mention the Trall's love of reality shows as that sounded a little bit too ghey.


Casey Anthony is the 22 year-old scumbag from ....................... Florida of course! who killed her 3 year-old daughter. She did the whole missing gurl act but no as soon as the police saw her doing this sad white gurl gang sign pose in a picture they knew she was guilty. Rot in hell you dirty hoor.


The best fisherman in the world is just a little bit too good, he says, "I'm sick of eating fish, fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My wife wanted some oral sex and I could only do it by smothering her stench trench in tartar sass I'm sick of it".

Old Knudsen asks the question: "Where is yer Cod now Fisherman?"



The reason I have an adult content warning on my blog is in solidarity to my blogging colleague MJ (Click , no wait I'm too lazy to do links as you are too lazy to click on my blogroll) She was oppressed by the man, professor Google himself so I changed my own settings to show the man we love adult content buttons. The joke is on you sad sack cos we is the cool kids now!

We flaunt our adult content of oh no naked bodies and oh no rude words and oh no non-politically
correct ideas.................... Hitler had the right idea no not the one about the bacteria of a Bavarian peasant's poo taken in tablet form for his stomach I mean the breathing rooms.

You won't get posts like this on soft blogs. I'm hard and I'm tough too.


To leave you with the words of film star Carole lombard who was the first US civilian casuality of WWII when she talked about her ex husband Clark Gable.

"If Clark had one inch less, he'd be the queen of Hollywood instead of the King."


Snap! Mr Gable


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Saturday, 24 January 2009

Big Swell

I look about the Interweb and I see sites that disturb me but thats enough about MJ's blog. I saw this picture and the bloke says, "I'm not ashamed of my naked body." Yes he is American and definitely not Presbyterian or he would be ashamed of his naked body as we all are.

I am ashamed of yer naked body. Maybe its my issues and you have every right to be naked in a pubic er public place. I must insist that you wear clothes to the dinner table . Its always the saggy auld fellas that go around naked and never us beautiful people.


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Hope


I 'hope' these two kids make it. You can tell they are 'hope'lessly in love. Him with her firm young body and her with his big hard wallet. Am I being cynical or influenced by all the pictures of them out shopping for her?

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Friday, 23 January 2009

LOLslam

To compete in the world of alliteration posts on Fridays from the creator of Filthy Fridays and the producer of LOLslam cums Fatwa Fridays.

First the cats and then the shats. Is the world ready for this every Friday? do I care? do you think that guy from Wednesday night was really dead?


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Thursday, 22 January 2009

I Put The Con Into Icon

Thanks Tony for pointing the way for me to jump on the BO bandwagon. I will be very surprised if I don't see this on t-shirts soon.


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Things Are Never Quite The Way They Seem

Being former military I will share with you my knowledge about the art of camouflage. Used mostly to hide on the enemy so they don't hurt you. Shape, shine, silhouette and surface are 4 things that will give you away out in the field if you are in a field.

Robin Hood was a master of concealment he'd dress up in glorious techno colour and the sheriff and his deputies could never find him which is how he won the battle of the bands in 1174.


Somewhere in this picture is an Israeli soldier.


Here we see the Cambodian scared shitless method of concealment.


Look at this American training exercise. The troops huddle together and will the soldier in the background not to see them.


You can hide with success anywhere. I would have twice as many restraining orders were I not a master of camouflage. These troops from the Congo make the classic mistake of shine. If you look closely under the tarp you'll see two soldiers, all thanks to 50 cents shiny nose there. Fucking amateurs.


I hope you have all learned something here today. Now try to find me in this picture.

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Wednesday, 21 January 2009

If The SS Cum Looking For Me I Died

Listen up bitches aight! I just got back from Washington, it took longer than I thought. Did you know there was two? one is a state and one is a DC which stands for 'Da Capitol' . Anyway it was fucking cold there which is why I have me polar bears furs on and also to raise awareness of the effect Global warming might have on the Polar bears and their environment if Global warming actually existed.
After getting my man Obama the preez job he wanted me around to run interference and to protect his long gangly ass.


Within moments of taking the stage a shot from a high powered rifle broke the joy and Obama fell ded at Bushes feet. Bush stifled a giggle but could not hide his huge erection.


Luckily it was the French lookalike that was killed as I had used him to flush Cheny out. One less Frog, yes I do expect a medal.


I killed Cheny the only way I knew how to ..................... with death!

Maybe not , the big O didn't want anymore deaths so I knee capped the cunt.

Obama and I had a good laugh over it and he thanked me for covering his back yet again.


Then Obama went on to make the most important speech of our lunchtime, " My fellow African Americans and other Americans. I had a dream! there was a train and a tunnel and I was nailin Palin from behind as she screamed 'You betcha you betcha' then this midget came in a sucked on my balls as I thrusted but thats not important. The important thing is that we all do our best, if you sweep floors for a living or if yer a hooker then be the best one you can. Only by surrounding myself with Clinton's people and you all working like slaves er I mean like crackers will this country stop sucking so much.
We may be obese, we may be stoopid but we is Americans and as Americans we should be in charge because we be so big aight?
Ask not what yer country can do for you demand yer country do it because we are going self-entitlementism instead of Capitalism which is like socialism but won't scare dumb folk with the name. You demand health care, you demand bailouts, you demand rescue from hurricanes because as Capitalists you deserve nothing from the government, they don't have to save yer sorry fat ass but as Self-entitlementists you should get it....... within 6 - 30 working days.


Obama then to roaring crowds bit into his first babies head as only a president can do. Muzzletoff!

Some silly bint read a crap poem, Tina Turner sang a crap song and Ted Kennedy fell doon drunk again, when Ted drinks the secretaries stay away from him. We all winked and nudged each other, "Ah that must be the old tumor then, poor fella."

The good news is that even with my past record with Bush I still get to keep my job as a government think tank. I shall do my best. What do the American people want .... free pens? What will stop the world hating America so much .... nuclear holocaust? I have some thinking to do, well I get paid whether my ideas are accepted or not.

When people ask me 'Where where you when Obama took the oath?' I'll reply "Takin yer Ma."


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Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent

Bored bored bored, I'm so fucking bored today nothing is fucking happening of any importance for me to give my insightful and witty social commentary on. Bored bored bbbbb bored!

Oh I see a chunk of the arctic shelf broke off, its the size of Manhattan island, how cum they are always the size of Manhattan? Like big hail stones are always the size of golf balls. Anyway it drifted doon to the continental shelf and now there is a big fuck off bookcase in the way of boats.

See how bored I am?

Today I woke up in a pool of blood in my bed, don't worry the blood wasn't mine and there was a severed big toe digging into my back, "thats odd" I said, me alarm clock didn't go off I had it set so I would get up and push record on my VCR 'The true history of Bigfoot and UFO's in the Bible' was on the history channel, could my day get any worse? The answer was yes me poo was runny and someone had super glued me foreskin closed, fucking kids probably.

Bored bored bored there is fuck all to talk about today.

I see a plane in Indonesia has crashed killing 254 people, the tragedy is that one of them was a Briton. Why God why? no wait its ok he was Welsh. I love the news when it points out accidents and then reports on how many Brits were killed, it shows you just how much everyone else matters.

Sooooo anything going on in the country? any rain? car chases? or old people driving their car into a hoose by mistake?

Nope nothing happening except something ............................... Oil is doon to just over $30 a barrel and yet petrol is going up now that is weird. Oh they say its the cost of the special blend of Pixie dust they put into the petrol in Callyfornia during the winter time, um its fucking 80 degrees out there when are we expecting winter?

Southern Callyfornia on a bad day is like summer in Killamory.

Has anyone noticed that since the recession or depression that no one has been harping on about Global fucking warming? no one gives a shit now, America is either up to its tits in snow or flooding and doesn't have money to spare to save the fucking planet that keeps trying to kill us.

I've always said about people like Bill Gates that its easy to give a couple of million out because its not like he'd miss it, of course giving it to the Africans is a waste of time as they will just breed more.
All the recycling places are closing as China is no longer buying our trash which they magically turn into slutty Bratz dolls because we can't afford to buy them right now.

We'll soon see all the smug fuckers who went on about recycling to save the planet but were really doing it for the beer money stopping soon.

Still bored, paint thinners on the cock tends to sting a bit but I need a pish.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr day but who gives a shit? Where is John Lennon day, Leon Trotsky or Archduke Franz Ferdinand day? thats fucking racist that is ok don't give me that they aren't Yanks crap thats nationist . To top it off February is Black history month or Black awareness month, "Hey you holding yer crotch and not quite speaking English are you aware that you are black?" I didn't know Americans did history.

Its not like they could be unaware unless they were Stevie Wonder or something. Black people or blacks of colour as those people like to be called bring enough awareness to themselves due to their loud booming inapprociate voices and that is without being on a mobile phone. Of course mobile phones aren't good enough for them they need walkie talkie phones that beep so you can hear the yelling and the annoying beeps too.

I'm not racist but really would they not like to go back to Africa? Any other black news? um nope.

So to balance out this racism I've made March 'White awareness month' I thought March would be ironic because of all the Nazi marching, er no not really.

Remember what John said, "Imagine all those people.............. naked"

April will be beaner awareness month, May will be Old Knudsen awareness month as my birthday is that month, no presents please ach go on then, June will be Hot Jap gurl awareness month.

I'm really looking forward to June.

July will be Irish belittling awareness month with lots of mentioning of 12th July 1690, "God bless good king Billy!"

Google it ya no nothings.

The rest of the months have yet to be decided, if you want yer own awareness month then just send me $5oo.

Bored..................

I suppose it could be worse, I could be reading this post instead of writing it.




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Don't Let The Door Hit Ya On The Way Out




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Monday, 19 January 2009

Aologies For The Last Post

Ach don't be haters ladies I was only kiddin yous the best, go on touch my flat stomach and tell me about yer day. I'll no glaze over I'll show interest in the places that need it. Look at those hunched up shoulders here let me rub them, tea? coffee? licked out?

Lets watch reality shows together and catch a flick on Lifetime. I bet yer feet need rubbed, bunions! oh joy.

Don't worry about dinner I've cooked up yer favourite boiled potatoes, boiled carrots and boiled beef, British cuisine at its best. Some milk and chocolate for later followed by lots of sex, oh no its not about pleasing me its all about you.


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Old Knudsen On Weemen

You sinful but tasty creature my talking snake says, "swallow me apple" Hey Eve, how would you like to be the woman who invents multiple orgasms?


This post was inspired by the lovely MJ an ex Knudsen bitch.


Well known facts are:

Scottish are the most superior race in the world.
Old Knudsen is always right even when hes wrong.
Wedding rings change weemen into monsters.
Men are most desirable to the opposite sex when they are drunk.
Aliens are a homophobic manifestation insecure men have of their secret ghey side.
It is better to be a giver than a taker.
The Troll whines like a bitter retarded old woman.
Atlantis was off the coast of Scotland.
Grass is greener on the other side due to an optical illusion to do with clouds.
Men are better than weemen at 98% of all things.

Men are even better at being weemen, look at that face just ready for a money shot.

Its weemen I want to talk about. I love weemen with their curves and jelly like globes of flesh and moist inviting recesses.
Weemen are also more pleasing to gaze upon than men unless the man is me of course.


When a woman is interested in you she is most accommodating and will literally bend over backwards and swallow the gravy. As soon as you commit and its a gold ring that gets fingered not a brown one then weemen get too comfortable and their demon side cums out.

Then its all about picking up clothes, no more wiping snooters on yer trousers and not pissing on the bathroom floor the things they used to find so adorable about you.

The only cure for love is marriage

No seriously whats fer dinner? I've been workin all day.

Another thing brings out the demon side of weemen and that is their period. Do not trust something that bleeds for 5 days an does not die.


So much complaining about cramps. You know I had my eye hanging out on to my cheek , my left arm was shattered and I had 4 large musket holes in my body as I rode doon the valley of the shadow of death, no I don't mean having sex with yer Ma I mean the Crimean war and did I complain? oh no I was grateful, weemen don't know they are born.

I've been around weemen long enough to hear the period talk. Weemen talking about gushing, heavy and light flows and sticky itchy yucky goop that cums out off their stench trench.

Look at the face on her, is she thinking about stroking my lad or wall paper?

What ever happened to the dirty talk about licking yer rim as they work the pipe and can my hot friend join us?


Periods, giving birth and cervical biopsies don't look that sore so why so cranky? I believe its merely an excuse to eat chocolate.

Do I constantly talk about my anal itch? well ok thats a bad example but really when you scratch and get blood when you should be getting poop, ach you don't understand about suffering.


Is this kind of behaviour necessary?


Vadges should only be talked about in a sexy way or not at all or the wonder is gone. I believe the woes of the world are not violent video games, religious genocide or foods pumped with steroids but are caused by weemen talking about their periods and how special the women become due to the ensuing anger, "LOOK ME IN THE EYES AGAIN AND I'LL CUT YA" . No its not about you its about the va va.

Its like warm apple pie, yeah right not like mama used to make thats fer sure.


To quote the great thinker Aristotle, "Men and young boys rule and weemen drool" another great thinker Stephen Hawking may also drool but he talks like a robot which is so fucking cool. The Troll doesn't count as being a man so don't even think about using him as an example.

I encourage the thoughts of my female readers in the comments no doubt there will be lots of talk of womanly things like knitting , having babies and other delicate subjects.


Take this as constructive criticism now go fetch me a cup of tea then suck on my balls as I watch the telly, CSINSFW Miami is cuming on. I just love how realistic these crime shows are.



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