Sunday, 29 November 2009

Answer Me This

If the US government says they are not in league with Extra Terrestrial beings then why do they feel the need to prevent them from landing and sucking out our stem cells? Well thats what I got from the side of this car.

After 3 hours 2 men that were black got in and I proceeded to follow them. They must have known I was tailing them cos in a few minutes I had lost them. Old Knudsen is goo at tailing though he can't run as fast and as far as he used to.

White guy, black guy and a hispaniard wot no weemen?

I pulled some strings and called in a few favours to find out more about ET security. Ok I googled them. Never once do they mention aliens or space ships which is obviously suspicious.

They said they call their employees 'officers' and never 'guards' but the above picture was saved under their title of security guards so HA!

Watch out people for they are among us and black men and men in black know!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Yer Not Ugly Yer Just Not Good Looking

Whats in a name? I've been discussing the theory of evolution and religion recently and it got me thinking. Its a theory, unlike gravity which is a law.
Who decides to upgrade the names ? If you have theory in the title then its just an idea lets call everything theory. The theory of Catholicism, the theory of religion because while there seems to be more proof to evolution religion gets more credence.

Polar bears are just brown bears who evolved er sorry adapted to a different environment which is why they can still interbreed.

The History channel is able to tell us what Jesus did though there is no proof but it suggests we are related to chimps and evolved from hairy hillbillies even though the DNA and bones say so.

You'd call Christianity a religion but all those other so-called religions before it get called mythology and Scientology gets called a cult even though its Pope is dead.

The Troubles in Northern Ireland is never called a war but I think the 29 who died in the Omagh Bombing and other bombings and shootings might argue if they could.

The Falklands war usually gets called the Falklands conflict but when one army goes against the other that seems like a war to me or Vietnam was just an anti-commie raid so lets not pay any compensation.

The 6 day war I mean WTF? to Old Knudsen that sounds like a deadly romp in the sand. Desert Storm or the first Gulf war was more of a roll in and take prisoners than actual fighting. There is more fighting on the US/Mexico border with the drug wars .

It used to be that it was only a war if declared just like how the terrorists in Northern Ireland all got out of prison because they weren't terrorists they were political prisoners.

The gospel truth, truth is a matter of perspective unless its fact. Lets call abortion murder because while Old Knudsen supports it due to no other option it is indeed murder and if we can kill babies why not prisoners in prison who are not innocents ?

Oh thats right the unborn baby isn't a person yet its only a fetus even though it eats, shits and feels pain.

See what I mean about titles yet?

Atheists are oxymorons because by saying they don't believe in god they give themselves a name so therefore they must believe in a god enough to do that.

A lot of names are just ways to manipulate and not give it any power or legs to become official, lets call Thanksgiving genocide followed by a nice turkey dinner, does it have to be about the Pilgrim settlers?

The long and the short of it is Darwin may be right or the Pope may be right nothing will be proved or settled either way just like a doctor that won't make a diagnosis in case he gets sued for guessing wrong.

Old Knudsen does not follow religion he is more spiritual and would rather trust himself than some two faced funt preaching about how the Lard wants him to have a new BMW. You can be religious or spiritual and still be informed and educated, a closed mind means a closed heart. Now go my children and decide for yerselves but be open to change yer opinion.... I have spoken.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Del Taco Poisons Thousands Of Children

Can Old Knudsen take his crazy future in-laws for much longer? When someone makes Old Knudsen seem normal then you have to worry.

Example from the hit sit-com King of Queens: The old father tells his daughter at the breakfast table, "The vice president Al Gore resigned" she says he couldn't of or it would be all over the news, the old father says "Well it was on the front page of the newspaper maybe they had an inside scoop."

He looks for the paper and is told its in the trash, while going through the trash he holds up an empty can of tuna and says, "do we own a diamond mine no one told me about? there is still tuna in this can"
All the while the daughter and her husband are having their own conversation.

The old father finds it and reads, "Al Gore resigns himself to a wooden image" he frowns and then says, "It must be the wrong newspaper.

Oh and Abraham Lincoln wasn't killed by an assassin, Old Knudsen saw him in a Burger King eating a Whopper and talking on a mobile phone. Sure he looks a bit older but that is to be expected. At first the worker called him Phil but later he slipped and said, "Mr Lincoln your food is ready."
Being an ex preez means he has to get up and get it himself and as he sat doon he said to his companion (Probably secret service) "That was original". Don't believe the lies the man tells you I bet my head shot of JFK was on a large headed fugly imposter, you just never know.

Things they give out to young kids as toys in fast food places are just wrong. I took this set of riddles off a young un and slapped his parents in disgust:

Like wind in your hair, you feel me.
But much more controlled I will be.

Do kids needs secret hidden messages about sex? I thought thats what they had Transformers and Twatlight for.

After a shower, you may see
someone who is wet holding me.

Sick sick sick............... soapy, you didn't mention soapy.

In the morning when you use me,
others find it hard to hear the TV.

The sick nuks then cover Themselves by saying the answer to the riddles are.

Blow dryer

Here is a nice one for the kiddies:

Though I feel soft, you still feel the pain.
With a good punch, I can damage your brain.

What no I'll knock out yer teeth and you'll swallow yer blood, you'll lose the title and yer name will ne mud? It gets worse.

I'm sometimes red, and I'm round.
in a ring, I'm always found.

I know what my reader is thinking but yer wrong, it was a boxing glove.

Made by Patch Products Inc I suggest you boycott them or yer child will be doing a lot of wink wink nudge nudge at you. Also boycott Del Taco as it is poisoning yer kid's mind with this in-yer-endo smut.
Oh and the food was shite and the place was as dirty as my knob.

I'll leave you to figure this one out:

With my passage, smells fade.
You may wish they had stayed.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Old Knudsen Hates 98% Of Hollywood

The above picture is a spoof from the film 'How to lose friends and alienate people' it would be funnier if it wasn't so terribly true. You just know some producer wants to remake Gandhi with Vin Diesel in the starring role or do Wolverine............. the teenage years. Not sure how they could do the later but sense and reason has never stopped them before.

Comic Strip Presents was a brilliant series on British TV that has only been bettered by the likes of Father Ted.
In 1988 they made Strike the story of the miners strike in the 80's and brought to a Hollywood studio by a no-name writer hoping to get the miner's struggle up on the big screen. Contracts are signed and much to the writer's objections some changes are made.
Al Pacino (played by Peter Richardson) as the National Union of Mineworkers leader Arthur Scargill, and Meryl Streep (Jennifer Saunders) as his wife. Strike soon spiraled out of control with gunfights and a motorcycle ride similar to The great escape.

In the time of alternate comedy that struck a bone with us who had blisters at wanking to Benny Hill as its not like you'd be laughing at it.

I find shows with canned laughter offensive as its like telling you its funny when you should already know it.

Alternate comedy has gone mainstream and why? Americans thats why they want to turn the world mainstream. Posing vampires, animated violence and terminator toys for children, how slutty can we make barbie look today? Zoe 101 and Hannah Montana are cockasidal maniacs, cum to Disneyland ride on Mickey's unicorn.

Here is how Al Pacino was portrayed as looking like in Strike as Arthur Scargill .

Here is Arthur Scargill with his shredded wheat comb over.

Kevin Costner as Robin Hood.......... he just looks so British and the accent, "Yo welcome to Nottinghame forest, we shall attack once my hair has been done."

Any other history you want to fuck with Hollywood? What about the brave and the bold Oliver Cromwell who defeated the devil worshiping cannibalistic Irish that killed their own weemen and children thus having history blame it on him?

"Why damn you why?" as he shakes his fists at the sky as it rains doon heavily, " They were innocent."

"My good fellow, paint me as I am beauty spots and all."

Well I'm off to watch Braveheart again as that is obviously totally true.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Let Poofters Marry

Old Knudsen has stepped up to participate in the NO H8 campiagn. Old Knudsen believes that poofs should be allowed to marry because why should they miss out on the suffering that is marriage ? ach waterboarding is a doddle. For too long have fart knockers been treated like they are something special just because they like to help Willy Wonka in ways the Oompa Loomas just can't.

If Spain which is a fascist cuntry the last time I looked (1945) and will allow ghey marriage then WTF land of the free?
Don't go quoting the bible at Old Knudsen or I'll start quoting Dan Brown or Michael Crichton which will make as much sense.

Let the Caribbean Plunderers do what they want with their adult consensual bootys and let them enjoy a good divorce like the rest of us.

Human Vending Machines

In the 21st century we have amazing technology and can do things like the invisibility coat above.

We can make semi attractive weemen seem hot.

Music out of no where in those Ipoddy things.

Bluetooths with frikking laser beams on them.

We can travel in time and space in out of date police phone boxes, well I can.

Computer keyboards can be beamed onto table tops or the arse of some hot chick, it could revive blogging which is so over.

But why oh why can these brainful people not make cum a flavour that weemen crave? They might fancy a taco from Taco Bell but its closed so you can pop a pill and have taco flavoured jizz, want hat sass? cumming right up. Or never mind a box of chocolates my splurge tastes like a Terry's chocolate orange.

Old Knudsen wants weemen to say, " I wouldn't mind some salt and vinegar flavoured cum right now" then we men wouldn't have to use guilt by saying, "if you loved me you would" or we'd save money on inhibition lowering alcohol. daytime TV shows are making it harder and harder to trick weemen into touching yer love pole.

For weemen giving up smoking a tea spoon of moldy ashtray squirted at you may just keep you going and give you a new oral fixation .

You can tell what scientists aren't thinking about, if a woman's stench trench tasted like pork scratchings I'd be doon there for hours so it would work both ways, just go on watching East Enders love I fancy a snack without the calories.

For environmentalists they could flavour their shite so they could recycle. Why is it that Old Knudsen has to cum up with all the great ideas? I suppose once you work in a CIA think tank you just never leave.

Do you like chicken? well my cock tastes fowl.

Friday, 13 November 2009

Staring At Goats

When Old Knudsen is asked "What did you do during the war?" Old Knudsen first asks "what war?" and then checks if its still classified and the clearance level of the enquirer, many a grandchild has been tortured to make sure they weren't spies.

Old Knudsen was once a Spastic, thats Secret Paranormal Animal Study Training In Combat. I can tell you about it now since the History channel covered it in June when it was doing that special, who would win in a fight 'Wolverine' or ' Nostradamus' ? as you know old Nostra already knew what to do and distracted Wolverine with show tunes and grooming products then cut his head off, "Grow that back in the year 2012 ya mutton chopped gheyer" was what he said.

Old Knudsen has used his special ultra paranormal powers to fight the wars of Terror. By staring at goats he can stop their hearts, make them shite or get them to chew random objects. Old Knudsen can also do various things with sheep, gerbils the larger breeds of dog and drugged, drunk or just stupid desperate weemen.

The expression 'Can't face himself in the mirror' came from powerful Warlocks like Old Knudsen as once did he stop his own heart causing him to shit while shaving and looking in the mirror.

Old Knudsen can also do the handy trick of 'remote viewing' he sits in a room and quiets the voices that tell him to kill hoors then before you know it he draws on a piece of paper the location for the remote control, doesn't it just drive you nuts when you cannae find it?

Quick, look at yer wrist watch, its stopped right? yeah like my readers can tell the time, don't make me go over again what the big hand does for 60 minutes.

Old Knudsen can also make people insane by chanting the simple mantra, "I know you are but what am I?"

All that stuff is old hat now and old Knudsen only uses his powers to stare at.................

You know I don't think I'll tell ya.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Well Shall Never Forget

The 11th day of the 11th month, I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting today.

Too busy talking to Iraqi troops about why they shouldn't be undercover insurgents, because its wrong! I think this fella has seen the error of his ways he has a face you can trust.

I'm going to talk about a silly game on Facebook called Mafia Wars.

You become a gangsta and with energy and stamina levels that get replenished after a certain time when you use them to do various jobs like rob drug dealers or banks. Not very realistic because you can come back from the dead but a fun wee diversion.

It tries to get you to recruit others Facebook friends with invites like this. More Mafia means more power and you can fight other gangstas and Mafias. The more weapons and vehicles you collect and the higher levels you achieve the harder it is for others to kill you.

Old Knudsen signs on to find hes been attacked by several people, when he was new and weak he never stood a chance so he'd click 'sucker punch' just to be annoying and see if they would come back for more. Old Knudsen mocks those who kick the shite out of him.

Playing Mafia wars is a real insight into character. Old Knudsen got stronger and won some fights, he'd fight people who fought him first and if they were twice his size he'd just keep plugging away at them, sometimes he got lucky and sometimes he didn't.

Old Knudsen has iced a load of weemen players and he did it while sporting a chubby, like I said a real insight into character.

Street Thug Knudsen the knife has pluck and goes head first into danger as that is the hardest part of his body unless he is fighting weemen, a woman with a gun or DSL is as deadly as a man.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Old Knudsen Gets Mauled

Old Knudsen got dressed up and went to the Mall. It was an interesting time he had.

So many mouth watering foods. Wouldn't you just want to gag on one of these?

The dirty Jap place which was situated by some restrooms kept trying to give people who were going in for a shite free samples maybe it was to help them go.

I got talking to this underwear model about the history of rim jobs from the 19th century on, she had a lot to contribute to the conversation and when her husband has a cage match she has invited me over for tea and oral sex.

Speaking of cage fighting I got to slap about this Aryan looking fella. I like it better when they bleed.

Then I got talking to a 40 something year-old woman who was in great shape and she let me take a picture to have fun over later, Yank weemen are so accommodating when you tell them yer rich.

I then paid a dollar to be violated by this massage chair, I didn't get a happy ending not even after 3 minutes but I got the feeling it won't call me.................. all chairs are bastards.

Old Knudsen did find his perfect woman, now all he has to do is hunt down the gurl this was made from, no nagging, no running away love is great.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Sex Mad

Einstein proved you could have hours of endless fun as promised on TV commercials by using his string theory but other commercial sayings stick in Old Knudsen's hed and pop up at odd times like when hes having a shit.

Cocco pops had a catch phrase, "So chocolaty it turns the milk brown" it just seemed wrong to me.

Now that one is beat, Honey bunches of oats has the attractive woman above saying, "Its like a mouth full of joy"

Do you know what you get when you search for a mouthful of joy? Yes messy eaters.

Holiday snaps.

Tender meat cuts.................... must be kosher.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Halloween Came And So Did Old Knudsen

It may be a tad late but Old Knudsen does not give a frug. Here are some pics taken by Old Knudsen himself on Halloween. I like to help out at community centres as they do not know of my past convictions, yes Old Knudsen is a man of conviction.

A scary doll thing for sure but not as scary as the gurl wearing undersized clothes. What is it with the wog type Yanks they either wear over baggy clothes and think they look cool showing off their underwear as their trousers fall doon or they wear tight tops showing their rolls of fat?

Speaking of fat this convict would get more than sweet tasting candy in prison.

If you ever had a wank over Barbara Eden in I dream of genie this should put a stop to that. Sorry I couldn't get close enough for you to see her stretch marks.

The jester was ficking creepy and that is a real baby he is holding no wonder 98% of Americans are in therapy. The Star Wars kid beside him is actually black wearing a white Anakin Skywalker mask, Michael Jackson wasn't the only coloured to aspire to be white, a sad statement on society.

Of course there were babes, you should have seen this MILF from the front, yep almost as good as the back. I think she came as a NASCAR hoor and her man as Bruce Springsteen?

I hope little Brittany got plenty of candy, has she never heard of vomiting after eating? What the funt is she? ...................... besides a fat wee shite.

Old Knudsen later went on the prowl to pick off some stragglers. The pair of lasses here noticed me taking pictures, sorry its blurred as I was using one hand to take the pics. They put on a show for Old Knudsen by making out, those shots are well blurry so sorry.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

OC And D

Here is a real leaflet we got through the door. Old Knudsen looked at the various stains he has left since moving in and so hired this company to clean the hoose.

Three people came in, one cleaned the mirrored coffee table one cleaned the bathtub and the other keep checking to see if the doors were locked and the cooker (stove) was turned off. There was a lot of hand washing breaks and they are still funking here. The lad at the coffee table started crying about an hour ago.

There was talk about counting the silver ware.

The only reason Old Knudsen didn't hire Tourettes Hoosekeeping was the abuse he got over the phone.

Friday, 6 November 2009

The Pope Is A Dog

Old Knudsen has sent three emails to the Pope telling him to step doon upon the orders of Gog and you know what the evil looking fint has done? He went on an altar boy buggering sabbatical leaving Eli the chihuahua in charge in order to mock Old Knudsen.

A rat dog? whats next a lemur? Gog is a God of love but may very well smite Benny Dick doon and all that would be left would be his Gucci loafers.

Why a dog? you may ask well what is dog spelled backwards? just like Pope spelled backwards is Epop which cums from the ancient Sumerian Daemon Mailer Epopal which did indeed return one of my mails 8 days after it was sent.

Well Mr Pope it is on! You are going doon and not on any young boys this time as is yer Catholic way.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Military Psychiatrist Goes Nuts

Major Nidal Malik Hasan a 39 year-old military psychiatrist didn't like the fact that he was to be sent to Iraq and had even hired a lawyer to try to get out of it .

The US-born Muslim decided his only option was to walk through Fort Hood military base in Texas with 2 guns killing 12 of his fellow soldiers and wounding 31.

He was wounded and captured. You see you only carry weapons on a military base if yer on yer way to the shooting range so he had easy targets.

You are an American who rose to the rank of Major in the army, so what if you are a Muslim? Yer a facking soldier well now hes a traitor and yet again has given Muslims a bad name, who can you trust are they really on our side?

The military are not big thinkers and yes he no doubt got racial harassment but who doesn't?

You join the British army from Northern Ireland and get looked doon on by the English and called 'Paddy' even if yer a Prod and you never seem to get paired up with the Scots who are looked doon upon as sheep shaggers but are closer to Ulster folk than the English.

Old Knudsen is disgusted at soldiers who don't do their job its not like they were going to give a psychiatrist a rifle and make him go building to building flushing out insurgents. He didn't have to kill his own obviously he didn't see the other troops as his own.

Hang the fudge rocket high!

This emergency post wants to point out that all psychiatrists seem to be funting nuts from this reporter's experience.