Monday, 19 October 2009

Old Knudsen Rides The Old West

The sun was going doon as I rode into town on Friday. Bucktooth, Arizona one of the most rootin tootin environmentally friendly and non- polutin towns in the west.

I went to the livery stables and got Friday settled in for the night it was 20 % off on Tuesdays damn my luck to call me horse Friday.

I felt like I had been rode hard, rolled up wet and sat on by a fat chick so I headed towards the saloon. The sound of piano music and talking stopped as I walked in, everyone was staring at me I knew I should have wore trousers with me ass-less chaps, Callyfornian fashions don't hold with the zonies.

I walked up to the bar, why they put a bar uphill is beyond me. I excused myself for not having washed or properly wiped in 3 months but I needed a drink. Exhausted from my hill walk I growled at the barman, "Whiskey and leave the bottle" the gut rot they served was harsh but cheap just like me. "Hey honey do you want a date?" purred a clean smelling busty lass , "I'm no taking you out ta dinner and the movies away and fuck ya gold digging hoor" if I had wanted a date I would have asked, now I was dying for a shag as I had one in the chamber about to go off.

A voice from the end of the bar called over, " Are you the Killamory kid, famous blogger and gunslinger?" ach autograph hunters.

"Aye that would be me" I replied to the skinny dirty young man fingering his shooter, "Who would you like me to make it out to?" I asked as I pulled out a stack of head shots from a distance in high wind.

The young man laughed and said, "You killed my Pa and now yer gonna die" an odd name, you killed my .................. I looked up he drew his gun, not bad but could have done with more shading, he should have went for charcoal not pencil .

"You killed my pa and now yer gonna die, I'm yer father I left for a packet of smokes and got um captured by Injuns yeah that was it".

You killed my pa and now yer gonna die giggled and ran at me giving me a big hug knocking over my whiskey.

"Why you low doon" I pulled back and drew both my navy colts plugging You killed my pa and now yer gonna die full of new holes.

I looked round the room and saw shocked faces staring at me then someone called out, "this is too awful a crime quick get him another whiskey on me" soon everyone was back to old time partying.

Whiskey was a way of life back then and more precious than life or beans.

I stayed longer in Bucktooth than I had planned because Friday took a long weekend at the stables. I met two other sons, 'What the fuck are you looking at' and 'My nipple is sensitive' yes I do drink a lot, soon I was heading west again for a packet of smokes.


dai said...

I love happy endings.

My security word sounds a new drug "raftopin"

Old Knudsen said...

I took Raftopin and had non-stop happy endings for 4 hours.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes -

"Dreckig, feige und gemein -
so muss ein echter Cowboy sein."

MJ said...

I'm imagining an Ennio Morricone soundtrack behind you each time you walk through the saloon doors.

Momentary Madness said...

Tough times, when a gun was a gun, and not somethin’ you stick in your arm; whiskey was a man’s drink, and hoors were ladies lookin’ for a man to take them out of the place, someone who could lend a hand in return for grace.

Fat Sparrow said...

"I felt like I had been rode hard, rolled up wet and sat on by a fat chick"

I don't know what you're complaining about; you paid me good money to do that to you and I don't offer refunds so buck up and act the man.

Northern musings said...

I am getting a tad concerned about the current content, westerns, guns, future wars... are we feeling a little "angry"? Mayhaps you have been in the land of that amendment that allows folks to carry weapons of mass or at least one mass destruction too long?

Northern musings said...

What I was trying to say was I prefer the perverted sex to the violence...

TROLL Y2K said...

Why do you hate the Lord Jesus Christ and all things and people that are good?