Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Join The Church Of Old Knudsen Or Burn, No Pressure

Old Knudsen has a church on the line, started on Facebook called the Church Of Old Knudsen and if you take the letters COOK it means I'm the cook that blends yer souls into the collective consciousness or adds you to the cosmic soup for flavour when yer bodies die. I shall be asking fer bank details soon enough.

Firstly if you are on Facebook and reading this why are you not my friend? current friends disregard.

Secondly if you are my friend on Facebook why aren't you in my church, do you want to end up trapped in Heaven or Hell? friends on Facebook in my church disregard.

Thirdly if you really are my friends can you give me personal references and alibis?

Fourthly there is no fourthly, fourthlies are four the weak.

I flew by personal gryocopter over the Atlantic channel to Killamory, there is a reason they call me 'The flying Orangeman' and I am also the reason for the whole when pigs fly expression, ach those funny wee Fenians.

I didn't want to go by plane due to passport restrictions/expiration and if they had one of them scanners that x-ray yer whole body and see yer parts, well Old Knudsen is very self conscious body wise and I may have put on a few extra pounds.

My head of the Killamory branch of my church is Dick Helms, a good man but a little slow due to almost drowning as a child, yeah we all know one don't we?

Old Knudsen got to his belief and donations centre only to be disgusted at what he saw.

The address was #2, is that implying its a big steaming #2, a turd? also the street is Bottoms end road named after Sir Charles Bottom the slightly famous dead person.

So its #2 Bottoms end, but hey the blue matches me jumper which is nice.

If you are ever in Killamory please cum into the glory hole, my friendly staff are willing to handle whatever yer needs are.

To see the smiles on people's faces as they leave is almost enough payment for me though donations are better, cum and leave us something big or small Gog loves them all.


MJ said...

If you opened a branch in the Arctic, you could call it the Church of Cold Knudsen...


MJ said...

Lay off the HobNobs.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I joined.

I don't quite know why.

But I did.

I've always wanted to be soup, but not quite yet.

Old Knudsen said...

mj Cold Knudsen? no get me a fluffer stat!

P and T yer soul yearns for guidance or at least the chance to cause trouble, welcum to my glory hole.

MJ said...

Have you tried Tazzy and Piggy’s gloryhole?

I don’t think it’s big enough for your lad though.

Anonymous said...

More Indian witches please m'lurd.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Unlike MJ's hole which is just too big for anyone.

Not that she stops the crowds from trying, though.

Fat Sparrow said...

Did I join? I can't remember. Either way, I gave at the office, if you know what I mean.

MJ said...

You know those craters you see on the moon?

Piggy's hole.

Momentary Madness said...

I’m not joinin’ your cocky cooked church.

Anonymous said...

It's Angela again sorry I still can't remember my password. I like the way your gut fits perfectly into the small of that young lass's back. You two must be soul mates or something. Is MJ jealous about her? That Cold Knudsen comment was a bit prickly wasn't it? Funny though. I tried to join your church but Facebook demanded I join their holy site first. Now it's a spritual dilemma for me as I can only give my email address to one god at a time. Please advise.

MJ said...

Do you see that cane on the bedpost, Angela?

I shall beat her off with it!

Anonymous said...

I've been meditating on that photo for 24 hours, calculating angles and what not. It saddens me to see that mr Knudsen has turned into a tubby fur ball like that. He used to be so trim and sexy. Now he reminds me of something I saw on Star Trek back in the sixties. 'Tribbles' I think they were called.

I'm with you on the cane thing MJ. Any man with that much hair on his back who wears socks to bed should be beaten mercilessly until he hands over his cap and cottage in Killamory to the beaters. As penance.

Yours sincerely Angela. I think my password may have been "UseMeLord" I'll try it now.