Monday, 5 October 2009

The Holy Post

Old Knudsen has had it with you idiots, for over 3 years he has put clues and signs in his posts to direct you all to the secrets of man and sometimes woman kind. Old Knudsen is part of a secret society that is so secret we don't even know who we pay our monthly dues too. Its is an ancient group of scholars like meself to whom the truth has been revealed.

Old Knudsen puts at least 10 deliberate mistakes into each post so the chosen can work out for themselves. Well if Old Knudsen's blog was on the history channel they would get experts in to find all these clues and tell you what I was thinking. "Da Vinci loved to paint curly hair which to him represented water which obviously prophesied the tsunami of 2004".

"John the Baptist holds his finger to the heavens in a mysterious reference to God."
No old John was extremely proud of his snotters which he'd show to everyone, he'd go shovel some coal for the fire and when the coal dust made his boogers black he'd say it was God's magic.

Have you lot followed the signs or were you distracted by hoors of desire such as?


This!

Or this!

Or even this! Disgusting the way the sheer fabric clings to her ripe perky nipples of her large voluptuous pale white fleshy orbs that defy gravity.


Well this is what God does to demonic distracting hoors.

Even if they do have perfect arses and Old Knudsen thinks its a total waste but God is a closet ghey woman hater obsessed with underage virgins all wise and has a plan ................. sure the plan may fuck you over but you weren't asked.


Old Knudsen has tried to direct you to the bloodline of Christ.

The treasures of the Templars.

The location of the Holy Grail. It only shines for the pure of heart so Old Knudsen has seen it many times.

Fuck lad look at the arse on that, no wait no distractions for Old Knudsen until his friction burns heal up.


Ask God all his secrets when you drink his holy ale. The Vikings called getting drunk in order to talk to the Gods a Blot oh yes those crazy raping and pillaging peaceful explorers were wise. Old Knudsen being Ulsterish and Scottish is also a Gallowglass and so is in tune with all the old Celtic and Norse ways. He drinks to blot out reality and the faces and screams of all those he has killed in war and on his hobby farm, it doesn't help that he has video taped a lot of it and plays them often.


Also Old Knudsen has tried to tell you to wear Levis as a sign to who the lost tribe of Israel really is I mean why the fuck would a star of David be on the Red hand of Ulster flag? its all there people.

Ach Old Knudsen is off to write a book of poetry, he may post when the mood strikes him but I'm counting on me verses to make me lots of money as the Armenians are getting testy and I know I put me Nazi gold in a safe place I just can't remember where. I told Kevork he'd get his loot as I'd rather lose my feet to diabetes than those cunts.

Here is a sample of what my hopes are pinned on:

If I were a tree,
Would you know me,
As I stand erect,
As I stand proud,
As my wood,
Slaps you across the face,
And sap gets stuck in yer hair.

Its a work in progress but pretty good huh? I was going to make the tree a weeping willow but that just came off as disgusting.

UPDATE


Due to threats in the comments and lemur prints in my margarine today Old Knudsen pulled some strings.

Simon Pegg being an X-files fan was happy to oblige, Gillian Anderson wanted to monologue about her vadge as usual and so wouldn't frenchie Pegg . Matt Damon was a right cunt and was shall we say difficult .
I used a PG-19 fast shutter with an enhanced blue optic 6 inch hertigal lens to help with the glare of the sun and Pegg's bright ginger hair.
I think Old Knudsen did pretty well due to time and budget and each star was returned safely home after the deed was done, a happy ending for Pegg and clean shiny hair for Anderson, Damon should be grateful he made it to my blog again, he'd be nothing without Old Knudsen.

Call off the lemurs Sparrow I did what you asked.

7 comments:

Leah said...

LOL.

Yes, you heard me: lol. I said it. I did it.

Anonymous said...

"Old Knudsen has had it with you idiots"

I've followed all your clues and signs, seen your image in countless photographs, learned your language and your secret handshake. I've read your posts out loud to depressed mental patients and become a practicing racist, homophobic, and lemur hater. What more do you want of me? Y'know, some of your disciples are a lot smarter than you give us credit for Master. You should show us more appreciation. And pictures with more genitalia in them. That last batch hardly had any. Yours sincerely, Angela.

MJ said...

I'll have no part in this unless I get to ride around on a tiny motorbike and wear a fez.

Oh, hello Angela.

Fat Sparrow said...

"Old Knudsen is part of a secret society that is so secret we don't even know who we pay our monthly dues too."

Yeah, yeah, you still get your Bon Jovi CD every month so what are you complaining about?

You mainly post mingers. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I never get to see naked the people I want to see naked. No, a photoshopped Gillian Anderson and Simon Pegg making out while Jason Bourne washes her hair will not do, I want the real thing.

You had better get your secret society cracking on that one or I'll set the lemurs on you, so I will.

Old Knudsen said...

leah The people of David have spoken. Loyal Orange Lodge!

angela Ixnay Paxy on a weekday, you are the only one I hold out hope for as sanity is not our gift but our curse, you must punish yerself daily and a bit lower on the handshake.

mj Only when you get to the thirty third level and get the cloak of slimming from the blind dwarf will you get the fez.

fat sparrow I'm halfway there, oh o I've got no pubic hair. So the sparrows are in league with the lemurs, the History channel got it right.

mago said...

That is no star of Davyd. In the middle ages the star was a sign for breweries and beer locations. The hand simply says: Stay away from this brew!

Fat Sparrow said...

All right, I've got the lemurs leashed for the time being, but boy, if I find out that was photoshopped you're in big trouble.