Monday, 28 September 2009

War Movie Review

You knew it was cumming and now here it is. The feel good musical based on the hilarious movie about a man taking his family on a European vacation. Liam Neeson isn't Old Knudsen's cup of tea but in this he is Oscar Schindler especially during the song 'Helping Jews may not be cool but by golly its fun' .

Genocide has never looked so perky, Amon Göth singing 'Why is the top doon its fucking freezing' is a gem.

A date movie if there ever was one and a film you should take the little ones to see for a History is fun lesson.

What a long and boring big nose that Brody lad has. He plays a Jew who is handy on the old organ and is saved by a religious Nazi officer who falls in love with him. No singing no quick fire jokes just a lot of ball sacks slapping together.

Its a good movie if you like to see human suffering as Brody never uses lube.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Old World Order Of Fries

Old Knudsen isn't just some blogger whose opinion doesn't matter, oh no as well as being that he is also an influential Time lord who has shaped the world to what it is today, yes you can all thank me in the comments.

The new world order was a load of old bollocks, all that Mason and Skull and Bones shite never worked but now we have proof and no longer have to work in secret.

The Pope opened his mouth during a speech and a hundred spiders came out of it and crawled over him. You all know that spiders are an ancient symbol of paganism and therefore evil, Old Knudsen doesn't know what else it will take for everyone to see the festering scab that is the Vatican.

Those in the front row heard the spiders chanting to Satan and suddenly the Pope's numerous cardinals or bug eaters descended on him like a testicle and cleaned up the spiders in a nonchalant but crunchy way. The Vatican has denied all spiders and said it was evil bloggers and their computery ways.

I have been contacting my peeps all along the time line .................... on the land line.

Bill Gates doesn't make a move or take a dump without Old Knudsen's go ahead.

Ready yer killer robot mosquitoes and army of Africans my friend the war will be costly, for them and you that is .

Obama knows what I mean cos I tell him.

Mr president yer army is kinda crap so just make a stunning speech that will be shown in schools as that is all you can do.

Bill is all for it.

It will end wars for all time once the opposition is crushed terms and conditions may apply no more hate or racism or sectarianism .

Its not racist or sectarian it will be a caste system, later there will be Alphas, Betas, Commas and Gammas etc as everyone has a place and should be in it for their own good. White English speaking Prods who support the Queen's right to rule the world will be at the top.

Vince Vaughn likes it a lot.

Get yer Hollywood friends to do commercials denouncing the Vatican and how Catholics have been tricked all this time into being third class citizens doing the Spider demon's bidding.

Maggie thinks we should put a tax on killing Fenians .

Once the war has been won as God will be on our side some sort of bar code or tracking chip will be implemented to keep track of folks and you can't work or buy food without one.

Bono who changed sides cos its cool is willing to tag poor people to get them fed.

The buying of food and other items will be done with compliance points therefore eliminating the malcontents you just get scanned at the checkout. The rivers will run red .............................. white and blue with bits of orange and it will still be cleaner than the water in Southern Callyfornia.

The Germans want to run the war but after their last two tries I think not.

Either shape up or becum the slave class, you can attack the Swiss, those cunts have been getting a free ride for too long.

Lionel Richie is willing to make his people into cannon fodder the good of the world also I've replaced him with a robot that follows orders. He can also make up to 6 pieces of toast at once.

There are a lot of problems still to work out like badges and uniforms and then there is a flag, a plot to blow up the Vatican was thwarted by Tom Hanks who is obviously under the thrall of the dark Pope.

So if you wake up one day wearing a condom and can choose what to do with yer tired saggy body and the world has turned upside doon then my plan has been successful or not.

Oy vey my child if those breasts were smaller you'd be like a hot 12-year-old boy but still I need breeders for my cult, you will join us .............. join us ........... join us ...........

Saturday, 26 September 2009

The Pope Sees The Light

Well not really the light its called the areola borialis as we tit watchers would say.

On the Pope's visit to the Czech Republic he saw what a female's breast is like and renounced Satan and all the ways of boy buggery and shouted to the heavens for God to take him into the folds of the Protestant way.

Old Knudsen must remind his Popeness that a Prod can only see a woman's breast if he is married to that woman and only in full light if seen in reflected in a mirror. The only other way is to find a loop-hole in the bible to be interrupted in such a way that works.

Old Knudsen in 1948 while exploring in the Holy lands found a load of scrolls near the Almost dead sea.
On those scrolls were many things that were left out of the bible because of the deadline with the publisher, don't worry Old Knudsen has kept the knowledge safe but won't go into details on a blog read by infidels but wearing a cap and being Old Knudsen gets around a lot of dog and catma.

Friday, 25 September 2009

Hopes For Ballyhalbert Dashed

Old Knudsen was disgusted to find that the culture Nazis have turned doon a bid put forward by the blog 1690 and thing to make the beautiful toon of Ballyhalbert in Free Northern Ireland as the UK city of culture, read about it here Yon Newspaper.

Old Knudsen was appointed the groups Anger management consultant officer and put in many hours of work trying to calm the rabble voting for Ballyhalbert doon. Manuel the group's secretary took much dictation from me and he loved it.

Old Knudsen is enraged, outraged and over raged, look at the picture of the bustling Ballyhalbert pier and how God shines his light of culture onto it.

Many scholars once thought that Ballyhalbert was the site of the Garden of Eden.

Ballyhalbert once had an RAF base location there during WWII and is famous for never surrendering to Hitler who once may have sent his most vicious 'Viking squadron' to destroy the toon because he believed if Britain lost its culture then it would lose its will to fight.

The brave British , American, Canadian, Australian and Polish servicemen and some weemen who were quite manly fought off Hitler in a decisive battle known as 'The Battle of Ballyhalbert ' in fact hitler's own fighter plane was damaged and he had to be rescued by U-boat he wasn't the same after wards.

The people of Ballyhalbert are known as 'Berts' celebrate the battle by binge drinking , chain smoking and eating the local delicacy of sheep's anus covered in blood sass flavoured with mint. Those of a delicate stomach may suffer the 'Bellyhalberts' the next day so don't stray far from a toilet.

Old Knudsen knows culture.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Things That Matter

Hello peeps, I hate the west!

My old friend President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is giving speeches about the evil west and the rude Americans are walking out, if this wasn't a cuntry full of sand savages that Russia is pretending to denounce Old Knudsen would be worried about yet another silly stone age war.

At least the Yanks (AKA the Great Satan) didn't sit and talk loudly on their mobile phones through it you know what they are like.

In the scheme of things what does it matter? Sarah Michelle Geller had a baby, fucking 'A' as far as Old Knudsen knows its her husband's sprogg which lets me breath easy. Old Knudsen is disgusted as they named the wee fucker Charlotte Grace WTF? There are so many cool names like 'Spud' or 'Turnip petal' but oh no they want a name to get the child bullied at school by the other celeb kids like Sparrow, Princess Tiaamii, Kal-El or Pilot.

16 members of the pop sensation 'al-Qaeda' escaped from a prison north of Baghdad. They lined up and climbed out a bathroom window and then took turns to climb over a ladder propped up against the wall.

What an amazing bit of bad luck, for Iraq that is . Old Knudsen thinks its time they let the cuntry defend itself the training is over they have all the American know how they need.

Fenian cocksuckers otherwise known as the Catholic clergy are back in the news ,10,000 people living in Britain who were brought up in Ireland's schools and orphanages run by Catholic religious orders say they are 'missing out' on any compensation because they fled to the civilised UK . Maybe when the Pope goes to the UK in 2010 he'll have some change on him.

Here is a simulation on Old Knudsen meeting the Pope, don't worry I win in the end by saying, "look a young boy" the holy terror looks and I hit him with a polystyrene rock.

The British/brutish singer Lily Allen says she is giving up singing because most of her wages gets eaten by privacy and I don't mean Johnny Depp. Old Knudsen doesn't do this shit for money hes an artist, learn from me Ms Allen.
I decided against a picture of Lily Allen cos Olivia Wilde is far better to look at.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Anti-Social Commentary

Old Knudsen is currently experiencing American suburbia, thousands of tract homes that all look the same with streets that have funky names like Oak ridge creek or Silver lake view with no oaks, ridges, creeks or lakes in sight just ugly big hooses with lawns and skinny trees.

It does my old blacken heart good to see a hold out, someone who said "fuck you" to the people who bought the older hooses so they could tear them doon and replace them with a thousand same looking dwellings.

Some times you might see a small strange out of place hoose with the front door a foot away from one of the new hooses. Its sad because many of these hooses are now empty due to the economy and others are sitting half built waiting for things to pick up.

Old Knudsen does like to see the odd bit of wild life in these soulless streets, a hawk or even a dragonfly is a welcome reminder that man is not all powerful that he can wipe out nature with these homes.
Before in my former ghetto home the wild life would be shaven headed hoodlums holding their cocks as they walk about in their over sized clothes with a pit bull on a chain straining to eat someone.

Old Knudsen has often thought that people were like a virus growing and destroying the earth but now I can see how its mutated in some parts of the world and the human virus makes a strain called 'tract homes' to fill in any space of land and with a strip mall of all the same shops and fast food joints that has each town seeming familiar.

Many of the people who live in these homes hide within the walls without even realising it. Fix it up, tend their lawns get their opinions from talking heads on the news shows, remember when the news was reporting? now its opinion giving. Get yer ice from the door of yer fridge yer air from a big box in the garden and yer thoughts from crazed panic mongers on the telly.

I must say that even though tons of people live all around me its quiet and I hardly ever see them, a few come and go but I don't really see complete families its like they have tunnels to the next street.

I can see how these people have a sense of safety as no one bothers them. Old Knudsen always hears stories about a brutal crime and some mong always says, "Its such a safe neighbourhood that no one even locks their doors at night" it doesn't take much to lock a door and why would you be so stupid as to think you'd be safe? Oh yeah cos you don't live in the real world.

The real world and its wicked ways find yer lovely open home eventually even in a maze of same hooses on streets with nature inspired names but no nature.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Sad Fucker With A Gun And A Badge

A white police officer in Philadelphia came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards.

Thomas Strain was put on desk duty this month because he was a sad sad silly looking fucker.

You talk about people going native the only sadder thing is a white boy with dread locks, does officer Strain give dap and ethnic handshakes? is 50 cents his hero? does he know its G-unit and not Gun-it as I had to work out.

The only time cornrows looked good on whitey were on Bo Derek in the film 10 and we were too busy looking at her well stuffed beaver to care anyway.

Fire Strain for this serious lack of judgment because there are some things you should just know.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Back In 19elevenity 7

A charity called Alzheimer Scotland wants the Scottish government to invest £15m each year for the next five years to help people with dementia. The most important thing is ............................

When I wake up wet in the mornings I think about the time I was on the SS Fireball which was a fine ship that used to transport petroleum jello to Argentina. The main port in Argie or tina as we would call it was Zanzibar which is at the mouth of the Umpopo but you can't swim in it as the natives do their business in it and their parasitic worms will swim up yer land line.

It was there I first met Victor Mature, he was sunning himself by the Nile which is the highest river in the world, like Sly Stallone except beautiful in his bronzed manly way as he held in his stomach, we would wrestle naked and talk about how icky gurls were.

It was during that time in my life when I first learned about loss. I had this really cool divers watch which could survive 100 feet under water even I couldn't, it was shock proof and I wish that I was as when I lost that watch I started feeding on bag upon bag of opium to fill the void.

I lost my job as a neurosurgeon airline pilot and if it wasn't for Wall street giving me a job 1929 would have been a really shite year.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Don't Hurt The Murdering Pedo

A second attempt to execute a US man by lethal injection has been temporarily halted by a federal court.
Murderer and rapist Romell Broom, 53 had to have his execution rescheduled to Tuesday after Ohio state officials failed to find a vein in the first attempt.

And then Judge Gregory Frost issued a 10-day restraining order after a plea by Broom's lawyers.

They said the pain he suffered in the first attempt violated a constitutional ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

Execution staff hit muscle and bone while trying to access a suitable vein last Tuesday and Ohio Governor Ted Strickland issued a week-long reprieve after about two hours of unsuccessful attempts.

Broom's lawyer, Tim Sweeney, said his client had "sustained both physical and mental injuries" during the attempts. Witnesses said he had been distressed and appeared to cry.

Broom has been sentenced to die for the rape and murder of 14-year-old Tryna Middleton in 1984.

Ohio has executed 32 inmates since the state resumed executions in 1999.

For once it wasn't Kanye West interrupting the execution.

So much is wrong from this story from the BBC firstly he was sentenced in 1984 just think of all the money to hoose and guard him and then there are all the legal appeals over those years.

Two hours to find a vein? wise up people and I bet he screamed like a baby at the orders of his lawyer. Who cares if he cried ? I'm sure 14-year-old Tryna Middleton cried.

Old Knudsen believes in an eye for an eye and do unto others etc. He cannot think of any valid reason to keep people like this alive. If they want to live then prison can't be that bad of a punishment.

What a silly cuntry that puts the welfare of pedo killers before its lawful citizens. Broom has recieved 25 years of FREE health care at the expense of the tax payer but where are the protests and the calls of "You Lie!" for this?

In Callyfornia they are more worried about the inmates than the law abiding people which is why programs for schools, elderly, sick and poor are being cut. It looks to be the same in other states also.

People (bleeding heart liberals) go on about the cost of executions being more than to keep them in prison, well that is only applicable if you don't kill them after they are sentenced and found guilty, git her done.

So for years you Americans have been paying taxes for socialised health care but only for criminals, what does that say about the greatest cuntry in the world?

Friday, 18 September 2009

Not Again Kanye!

I'm very happy that you are beating this guy up but Rodney King got the best beating in the world!

Damn You Kanye!

I'm happy for you Knudsen but I think MJ has the most filthiest blog in the world!

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Well Varnished

So anyway I'm making a pilot reality show. I take 10 kids from a poor cuntry and put them through various challenges to see who wants to be Old Knudsen's adopted child. I don't really want a child so the winner gets a job in my Cambodian sweatshop so its a win win, having a shop that makes sweat is for tax purposes I don't want to talk about it.

If the eliminated or rejected children survive they can tell the story about meeting me and getting a full meal every other day and they will be celebs of their village.

Maybe its the varnish speaking but I think this is the greatest idea for a show ever. Old Knudsen loves to give poor children a chance and then send them back to squalor much like Danny Boyle and the Slumdog million dollar baby film.

My other show about following weemen about until they fall in love with me has suffered some production problems and restraining orders.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

God Told Me To

Old Knudsen has had it oh yes he is bloody pissed off it seems the Free Presbyterian church has decided it is wrong for Old Knudsen to have a relationship with a female because she was born with a penis. C'mon people its not like I'm ghey or anything gross like that.

Old Knudsen is splitting with the church and promoting his own. Not Santeria, Church of England and definitely not Fenian, Old Knudsen is getting modern yet stealing all that is good about Free Presbyterianism. Old Knudsen presents Wii Presbyterianism.

Merely point yer wii at the telly and make the congregation sing a somber hymn like, "Jesus touched me down below" or "Suffer little Fenian cum unto me" its great you don't have to leave the hoose you can worship all day and night with yer wii in yer hand in front of the telly.

Let a lovely lady friend use yer wii as she pumps it up and doon to get the organ going, oh yeah cumbyah Lard I'm a coming to heaven!

To follow the Scriptures correctly a true Protestant must protest to be one with God and the best thing about Wii Presbyterianism is you can go out to places that show questionable plays or movies and shake yer wii at the public to show yer disgust at their ungodliness.

Nothing like a group of Christian men and weemen shaking wii's to get the public's attention, NO to same sex marriage NO to once a month sex marriage we demand different sex all the time and as long as the man cums then God is happy.

Climb aboard my wii to Heaven cos all the other religions will burn in the firey pits of Hell. Grab a wii and shake it fer God he doesn't care how silly you look he just likes a happy ending with fluffy clouds and shit.

"Jesus touched me doon below, its our secret he told me so, don't tell mummy or yer Da they'll burn in Hell and so will ya. Yes Jesus touched me the video told me so."

Let Jesus touch you today and let him enter onto you.............. but stay away from the Pope, hes a pedo ya know.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Dying Skinny Fucker Died

So any way Old Knudsen wrote this on 12th August 2009:

So whats up with Patrick Swayze? Old Knudsen hears he is looking better and more healthy, they always do before they die. I heard that he was the father to Michael Jackson's kids.

Chilling huh? Now Paddy boy is dead, and no body except the whole world saw it coming. Ted Kennedy was # 1 so who will be #3? Or was Jackson #1? ach dropping like flies.

Charlie Sheen said Swayze was a good guy. When Old Knudsen dies he hopes to be validated by an actor nay legend such as Mr Sheen.

Tom Sizemore said today from rehab: "Old Knudsen was such a nice guy, he'd always use lube if it was yer first time and only hit weemen with the back of his hand ."

Old Knudsen is hoping they find Donald Trump with a rope round his neck and balls hanging in a wardrobe or Kanye West will do slumped over a mirrored table covered in coke or even pepsi with a syringe of sprite still stuck in his arm.

Its a nice break from the Tom and Katty or Brad and Angie rumours and its good that even in death stars like David Carradine still entertain us, the rest of Hollywood should take note on how they cark it.

Monday, 14 September 2009

The Road To Hell

Did anyone see Old Knudsen on the telly? Giving health care to the poor and needy is not the mark of a civilised cuntry, as the traitors during the war of Independence chanted, "No taxation with or without representation cos we don't like paying taxes darn it".

We want fiscal responsibility how can we pay for houses we can't afford and go to war with wogs in the middle east if we have to pay taxes to help those less well off? All those lazy disabled, sick and old senile people are just pulling a fast one they need to get out and get jobs.

Did ya see the beginning of the film 300? they threw all the babies that weren't healthy over a cliff to die and that is what we should do with anyone that cums round here thinking the US is a civilised caring cuntry. Old Knudsen might also be thinking about labour/death camps.

Lets have protests for that is what makes America great, if we protested more we'd still have slavery and not be in this situation in the first place. We'd have a right wing Caucasian chicken hawk bravely steering this cuntry to success like the last 8 years, we didn't need to protest then did we?

What is up with the UK and their 17% taxes ? I wonder what commie established socialised medicine there, oh yeah it was Winston Churchill so then I guess in that case if you are against socialised medicine then you must support Hitler we all have a lot of soul searching to do.

I would like to address this sign. Kennedy had the best American health care his vast fortune could buy and still he died so maybe he should have went to Canada, his brothers were shot in the US and they died too I guess some people just don't learn.

Old Knudsen gets drawn into the whole health care debate a lot recently one fella talked about his dirt bikes and quads he looks after in his garage and then the next says about how he doesn't want to pay for other people's health care, understandable of course he has his so fuck the rest I bet I'll see him in church on Sunday.

Another chap told me about how in the UK they don't treat old people cos they are going to die anyway, Old Knudsen was shocked to hear this from a well informed American. He also didn't want the workers to pay for the bums.

In America the insurance companies have death panels galore they just won't cover you old or not and the old people that have coverage get prescribed a ton of meds they don't need to help them along or incompetent treatment Old Knudsen has seen this.

He just hopes for the sake of the angry rednecks that karma isn't watching because if these people dictate the out cum for health care they will get sick and end up bankrupt at the hands of their insurance companies looking for help. What goes around cums around and I don't just mean Old Knudsen's rash that he can't get health care for due to his pre-existing conditions, ach its a rigged game .

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

The Devil Of Mendes Returns

If Old Knudsen knew the mystery of Maths he would tell you he'd been off the line for about 10 days. Oh he doesn't sit around and play with himself all day, just part of the day. I moved into a new neighbourhood no longer the ghetto.

I live with Woohoo's adopted semi-celebrity parents in West Dale. No gun shots or gangs in fact one person waved hello to me that fucker must have meant something rude by it so I just gave them the finger to make sure and I didn't use lube.

In rooms built for giants I manage to represent. I'll go into my living accommodations at a later time as I don't want them knowing I slagged them off too half the world, not until I'm ready to leave any way.

Are all Americans crazy or is Old Knudsen a magnet for them?

Old Knudsen did help out on the Station fires but don't call him a hero, well ok you can but he'd rather have money.
Here I am on me lunch break about to eat some pussy.

On a spare day I helped to move Woohoo's neice into Redhill college a place full of young wanna be hippies and skinny gurls wearing short shorts. I stayed for lunch and cleaned them out of their hard boiled eggs at the all you can eat.................... just in case you wondered what that smell was.

Hardly front page news must have been a slow news day but there was nothing slow about Old Knudsen, Wam Bam what no thanks Mam?

Old Knudsen chilled and kicked it with a figment of his imagination by the name of The Kevlar Rooster the lad cannae afford new jeans.
We then drank the blood of young runaways and did other Free Presbyterian things that may shock you.

I also brutally fucked Meagan Faux to help her career and because she paid me, why else would I do a disgusting thing like that? Old Knudsen hates himself sometimes he now understands how you all feel about him.

No I'm more orange than you, out on route 66 again with Bono's orange stand. All this time I thought U2 were Taigs.

Woohoo and I strolled along the beach with our new son Wheetabix until his real parents and the peelers caught up with us but we'll always have our memories, well my old timers is in serious overdrive so as long as I remember I have a blog I'll have my memories.

So any thing happen when I was away?

Dead Monkeys Fall Out Of Trees Call 999

Old Knudsen can cure cancer, solve world hunger and reverse aging but he can't be arsed. He once made a clone of himself to avoid jury duty and to have great 3 -ways.

Old Knudsen does not think Alexander was so great and once sold Florida swamp land to wise King Solomon.

He can say "Fuck off you tree frog licking cunt!" in 8 languages.

He destroyed Count Dracula by giving him alcohol poisoning and proved you don't need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf if you have a .50 cal Desert Eagle.

He chatted to German soldiers distracting them so that 338,226 soldiers could be evacuated from Dunkirk in 1940.

He can do 6 minute abs in 4 minutes while singing a Russian folk song about Cossacks hacking peasants to death.

While during a blogging break he still posted more than most bloggers do.

You expect him to never call you after having sex and love him for it.

He knows what was on the television that Elvis shot. He was the first man on the moon but no one knows which moon.

He once fisted a lemur on each hand and started a new fashion trend for gloves with big bug eyes.

Old Knudsen is the most interesting person in the world and his mammy thinks hes wonderful ............................. so does yers.

The people at the Weeby Awards asked Old Knudsen if he knew anyone else deserving of a Weeby Award, they have still yet to hear from him.

Stay horny my friends.

999 being the date and the British equivalent of the American emergency services number 911.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

Scheduled Fun From Les Stroud

Be careful while walking in the wild as a leopard, eagle or angry chimpanzee could very easily leap out and rip you apart, this may be northern Canada but I'll be on the look out for tigers. Remember if you get a little boo boo on yer finger you could die of aids in 4 minutes out here.

What was that noise? I may have peed a little god I wish I was Bear Grylls and not some hippy Canuck. I hope its not a bear in the 80's when I was making music videos we had a koala bear that could have torn us all apart if it wanted to I could see death in its eyes I calmed it doon by playing pan pipes.

I've taken off my clothes to appear unappetizing to what ever it is , I think its working.

Its just a duck, it looks sick so I can handle it.

I fucked it to death which will bring out the juices when I cook it later.

Careful when trimming yer nails out in the wild, you could cut them too short and within 3 hours have died of boredom from my constant worrying. A good survival tip is to wear a bandanna when going bald and trust me on the sunscreen.

What was that? You see that stick 60 feet away? that could be a copper head snake and if I slipped while running away from it I may be trampled by a herd of wild poisonous bison.