Sunday, 30 August 2009

I'm Off The Line

Well ya should have appreciated me when I was here. I have to move from me villa in order to fight my extradition back to the UK as the $6000 a month rent is killing me and so my Interweb is off for a while.
I love America so much I never want to leave. The gun shots, police helicopters with their search lights every night, the gang bangers I have to chase off my lawn, the general *uneducativeness* of the locals in fact I only feel this superior when I'm in a room full for English people.

I step out of the hoose every morning and breathe in the filthy 100 degree air full of mosquitoes and say God has indeed blessed America for a finer utopia could only exist during an acid trip.

Only kidding, no offense to the idiot Americans but this place is a shit hole and I can't wait for deportation back to my war zone full of thick necked thugs and bad food . By the way its only a hate crime if emotion is involved, Old Knudsen is as cold as steel so go and fuck yerself you legal system, any excuse to be rid of me, you are the ones who are hating the playa, don't be haters.

I am very busy right now and so my blog will suffer and I'll no be posting as much. I have some scheduled stuff lined up just to keep me hand in.

I'd move in with my Gurlyboyfriend Woohoo but since she is a free lance dog groomer she keeps late night hours and works a lot from home. Guido her business partner suggested I stay away as people who need their dogs groomed at night also like their privacy.

Woohoo's semi-celebrity adopted parents (yes she adopted them) have invited us to stay with them in sunny West Dale, legendary home of the long horned short haired tight poopered American Angus. They disprove of dog grooming for some reason and are just happy that she has a nice church going man to steer her right ............... thats me by the way.

I am bidding my time and then I'll be moving back, not to my beloved Kilamory because they got a petition against me but to Northern fucking Ireland as the peace process is holding better than I thought it would and where is the fun in that?

Guido will not be pleased with losing Woohoo so don't tell him where I am. I have to get an Irish passport cos they will let any old cont in and my Brit passport has been flagged, oh so much silly doings, I must fly into Dublin and cross over the border fence into the free north at night.

The blogging pool is small and polluted there and so like Jesus and Sir Francis Drake when they returned when the world needed them so Old Knudsen shall return like a prodigal son and a fatted calf shall be killed in celebration .

I shall take my bow which no one else can string and I shall string it and slay the cuntry with irreverence and scorn. I will not be going native and shall still cover topics the whole world can follow using my international tongue to lash yous all good and proper.

We all know that only a few good blogs cum from the blessed north of Ireland which has something to do with Henry the 8th outlawing humour in 1534 and the Irish under the comical hand of the evil emperor in Rome have dominated the blogging field with their whimsical look at life without the need of a true religion, sobriety or education.

I was recently asked: "Old Knudsen if there are free Presbyterians then are there ones who are not free?"

Old Knudsen looked into his scriptures and saw that anyone who isn't a Presbyterian is a slave of Satan and should either be given the choice of death or conversion. We at the Presbyterian liberating All Yous Arseholes Society have tried to make conversion more appealing with youth and community 'rap' sessions and raffles but death seems a more popular choice still.

Old Knudsen shall not end, he just needs a wee hibernation. He'll still be in the states for a while so get busy and tap his ass weemen. Change is a part of nature and Old Knudsen is a force of nature is Northern Ireland ready for him? I doubt it. Can you no read the fear in the Irish blogger's posts? I suspect sales of alcohol will increase greatly and thats before I get there.

So I've got major life changes and people to kill before I leave, not too much time for blogging, not like I've said that before. There are still posts in this old dog yet.

I shall leave you for now with this poignant view of America as seen from Old Knudsen's camera.

Empty mail box silently screaming on a vacant lot where once stood who knows what? Dirt and weeds along this stretch of route 66 telling you to go elsewhere for your kicks and of course the broken abandoned recliner a symbol of the American dream reminding you to allow yerself to dream but don't let those dreams become yer master.

* A word I learned at the school of hard knock................ers in LA*


mago said...

Ta, there you go! Your part of America looks a little bit used. Best wishes Soren!

Boxer said...

God Speed Old Man.

MJ said...

Where's your cap?

If that bitch Boxer took it, I'll pop a cap in her ass.

I shall hold back my tears as I know this move means you're one step closer to winning the Irish Blog Awards.

And more Fenian Cocksucking tags on your posts.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm off line ya silly twats how can I comment?

Northern musings said...

Am looking forward to some depressing winter posts... You do know that winter is arriving ....

Nick Cage Revealed said...

silly twats! ha! by the way i haven't seen you around the LA area. you keep threatening to a chick. what gives.

MJ said...

If you COULD comment, you'd be saying how much you missed all of us.

Donn said...

Once the big Quake hits and destroys everything in that scrubby-sandy part the Merkins might give that part back to most of the people living in that part of the States will be Mexican anyway...oh but Uncle Sam will keep the Beaches for the surfer Dudes and the movie stars livin' in Malibu...although Malibu will be completely swept away by the tsunami?
People wonder how China will be the next Superpower but if the Western side of the US is completely destroyed by Mother Nature they'll just have to withdraw..not to mention that they owe China tens of Billion$ really the world is only one Earthquake away from the next shift...remember how Britain ruled the world in 1900 nobody thought that would end either..except the US of course..they knew that it would end..just like China knows that they are going to rule the world.

Hopefully you'll be back before all of this happens :)

Conan Drumm said...

Meanwhile Liam Neeson takes out US citizenship....