Friday, 8 May 2009

A Man Barely Alive


Oh woe is Old Knudsen cut doon before his best before date. Mother is that you? I told ya not to fucking call me unless ya had me money.

Poor Old Knudsen is on his death bed and this is his last post as he cannae post from the grave as not even American cemeteries have Interweb access. Oh I just told a lie I do have a post scheduled for December 21st 2012 which as everyone knows is the end of the world so stick around.

As I lie here coughing up blood and bits of celery there are a few things I want to get off my chest, firstly yer ma as I'm no in the mood for fanny battered nipples maybe later.

In 2004 I stole The Scream and Madonna paintings from the Munch Museum. When you look at them close up they are pretty fucking shite, I wouldn't let either of them adopt my 3rd world wog baby.

I killed the Donnelly family and burned their farm in 1880. You will all agree that they were asking for it right?

I told Plato about the island of Atlantis in confidence and didn't expect the cunt to write a best seller, he was the Dan brown of his day.

I once rested my feet upon the stone of destiny and it roared with joy. That makes me the rightful king of Ireland. I was so embarrassed at being the king of the bog trotters I never told anyone.

I know what Dark Matter is and Newton was a moron.

Johnny Depp is semi-immortal and will look the same for the next 100 years.

For years I felt guilty about taking part in water boarding as it is now deemed as torture only to find out it was surf boarding I was doing.

I never cuddle after sex due to a fear of intimacy.

In 1926 while in the Explorers club we had a frozen Neanderthal which we slowly thawed and dinned on. I had the shits for a month.

I shot James Dean in Dallas, Texas in 1963 and I still don't regret it as he was one shite actor.

I am not afraid of the dark ................. it is afraid of me.

The thing I shall miss most when dead is the smell of freshly cut new born babies.

My greatest pleasure in life was helping others, especially hot, inebriated weemen.

I was turned doon by Susan Boyle ........... I knew she was a leezer.

I swore I'd never tell anyone that I once beat Chuck Norris in a fight and he cried like a baby, now I have and he did, Ka-Chow!

I have an addiction to Miracle whip and have never tasted food without it for 15 years.

:::::::spits up some blood and mops his fevered brow::::::::

I fear the war for my cap may lead to Armageddon as predicted in the Bible ........ at the back.

You'd think drinking hand sanitizer and spraying air fresheners would cure you but no Old Knudsen has sever gut ache and to compound the situation he has a lotto ticket for tomorrow night and he bets knowing his luck its a winner.

I wish I had more time, no really I'd like to go and see that film 17 again as that Zac Efron is as cute as fuck.

I sent an offer to guide him and his gurlfriend Vanessa Hudgens into the more adult artsy type of films but so far I haven't heard from them. It was only 8 months ago damn my closeness to death I could get the call at any time now.


I also want to see her latest movie, oh thats right she does commercials not films.

Farewell all as I feel the life squirting out of me. I go to a much better place depending on yer religion that is. So many religions and so many afterlifes where are they all? what if I get sent to the wrong one? for fuck sake to end up with a load of weemen hating pedos for eternity, yes I mean you, you Catholics and Muslims.

"Which level of Hell would sir be interested in tonight?" asks a demonic waiter like Manuel.

I can't type anymore as I'm getting cold and its dark. I suppose I'll turn off the air conditioning as it is 12.40am .

I'm slipping away I see a light ................................................. oh shit the deep fat fryer is on fire someone should do something about that.


In lew of flowers donations should be to me in small used untraceable notes.



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9 comments:

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

"I fear the war for my cap may lead to Armageddon as predicted in the Bible ........ at the back."

For a Prod, you sure know a lot about the Apocrypha.


WV was "oustin" and then "dendemic." I suspect there is a plot behind your Swine Flu, as someone is obviously trying to oust you from your rank of top blogger with this pandemic. The whole world becomes clearer if you only study the Holy Writ of Word Verification.

Istvanski said...

Thanks for the tip off. I'll just twiddle my thumbs til December 21st 2012.

Xmichra said...

you're the root of all that's evil, but we can call you cookie? :)

You would like to be in my hell. My hell is filled with the beautiful people in the buck. you'd like it there.

mago said...

Will you present your body to the science? A nice plastination maybe?

Moot the Hoopla said...

Oh now c'mon..how bad can hell be?
It's warm and anybody from history who was even the least bit interesting is guaranteed to be in hell.


The only downside is that the only movies they show in hell are Howard the Duck, Gigli, From Justin To Kelly, Battlefield Earth, Son Of The Mask and Ishtar.

Something to consider..there is still time to make a foxhole conversion and try to sneak into Rastafaria.

mago said...

Hell is the bass-solo ...

Leah said...

You have achieved so very much already that I can only imagine the wonders to be if you manage to hang on...

MJ said...

I see your coughing up blood and raise you SATANIC CRAMPS FROM HELL!

~Babz~ said...

Da,

Say it isn't so and the world will stop it's tilt. Say it isn't so....{screams}