Saturday, 9 May 2009

The Last Willing Testicles

Soren L Knudsen otherwise known to millions as Old Knudsen passed away violently in his sleep at 9.42am this morning.

A man who was always ready to aid a stranger and forever had a smile and friendly word for anyone from any walk of life.

Shy about the constant charity work he did he has often been compared to Jesus or Bill Gates. He even had a Soren and Melinda Gates Foundation and some times Bill would join in but usually he just liked to watch.

"I knew a black person once, he made such an impression on me that I complained to the cinema manager and got him thrown out for yelling comments to the characters in the movie. From then on I resolved myself to help all nig-nogs, wogs and slitty eyes throughout the world, poor whitey ain't trendy my friend." --- Zurich world aid conference 1991.

Old Knudsen's will and estate reads as follows:

Being of sound mind and firm body I give away my worldly goods in order to pass through the camel's eye.

To Mago I leave the book: Why the Germans Lose at War. I wish him well applying for the Franconian navy as Roger the cabin boy.

To the Troll I leave my own book that I have written How to write an interesting blog and be funny. I really hope he reads it or stops blogging.

To Tachae I'm sending up a crate of frozen sperm and a turkey baster as I want her to have my babies, the crate of crabs is free.

To Heff I'm sending two very large man to ensure he goes to his AA meetings, its fer yer own growth bro.

To leah I'm sending a Menorah with those trick candles that won't blow out to amaze and impress her bearded friends and thats just her gurlfriends ................. ka-chow! Jewish slap doon from beyond the grave.

To Istvanstnski I never got to know you enough to learn how to spell yer name so I'm send you my underwear so at least you can get to know me better.

To Tony, I was going to invade Poland for you but that so been done so I've arranged a job for you slopping out animals for £ 1.50 an hour for 9 hours a day. Don't worry only the minimal of English is required.

To the faceless commenter I leave you my scorn. My body just cannot process New world foods.
Oh sorry I meant to say corn.

To Dai I leave my Heckler and Koch P2000 SK if yer man enough to pry it from me cold dead rectum.

To Shannah I leave some advice, " Do unto others quickly and brutally before they even look at you" Yer way too nice for the Interweb.

To First Nations I leave my collection of fungal creams, something is bound to work.

To Manuel the Gordon Ramsey pictures in which he rode you like a fucking donkey and I leave you some Gillette razors.

But who will get the cap of 1000 miracles?

Should Old Knudsen cut it up into 1000 pieces and give a miracle to each?

Donn, I'm sorry that my love drove you and yer family into witness protection you can have my Harley Davidson. Imagine a bloke with the same name as the motorbike. Feed him every other day and only bland food.

Boxer you shall be sent my coat of 101 dog skins because you like doggies so much, guess what dog they cum from, I really hope yer an autumn.

Now MJ, my crazed disciple that did indeed go out and kill 14 homeless men in my name before she knew I was kidding. If the cap got into to yer hands all manner of evil may happen so I give you season tickets for Disney stars on ice, yes they really are famous and dead.

For those I miss out I just want to say I never liked you but thanks for reading sporadically anyway and why is yer life not all about me? Oh I never answered yer comment once or 10 times? well fuck Old Knudsen side-ways if you read my fucking blog you'll see I have/had a life, um except it was blogging ................... oh fuck off you logical cunt.

The cap goes to my son from my 19th marriage Rodney Knudsen. His mother Beth Knudsen nee Knudsen would be so proud.
Rodney is a pastor up in Portland Oregano in the Cross burning righteous sons of Jesus temple of doom church.

He may think the Holocaust was self inflicted if it even happened and though he doesn't have anything against niggers and other inferior races as he puts it ............... hold on a mo its the full moon.

It looks like Old Knudsen will be back ............................ again.

I'm too old for this shit but I do enjoy a good shit and brains.

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Anonymous said...

From all the fruits of your sweaty hips - Rodney!
(WV: coitovap. Yes.)

tony said...

"...minimal ..English is required" Oh.Not Bloody Liverpool again................

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

Well, I was wondering, because I knew I already had your scorn...

I will plant it in the garden. I expect something magical to happen, much like "Jack and the Beanstalk," but with midgets. And probably anal warts, considering where the corn came from.

Megan said...

That's not very much stuff. Who gets the lottery ticket?

Leah said...

Fuck, you're back already? So I don't get the trick menorah?

MJ said...

I would be disappointed by all this had I not seen the "Manuel's Arse" tag.

Stevie Nicks is gonna kick your arse for leaving your mutual love child out of the will.

Moot the Hoopla said...

This truly is the Mother of all Mother's Days!

Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin' until then.
Who cares about the c*nts when we're together?
Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather.
Happy trails to you, 'till we meet again.

Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It's the way you ride the tail that counts,
Here's a happy one for you.
See ya tomorrow :)

Boxer said...

**sits in back row, wearing a black veil, sobbing**

until I heard I DON'T GET THE CAP!!!!!! Why the hell have I been hanging around all these years?????

MJ? Let's get a drink.

MJ said...

Boxer: Did you say you didn't get the clap?

I find that hard to believe.

TachaƩ said...

your love child looks like alec baldwin.

does this mean your done ? Ill cry if so, but only for a moment and from the vd you've left me with.

Nick Cage Revealed said...

Aren't ya leavin me anythin ya cunt?

LceeL said...

You can get a nice comfy job down there (where you're goin') if you give the guy at the gate a blowjob. FYI.

Old Knudsen said...

Thank you for all yer concern, if only my commenters had brains I could feed on.

Manuel said...

I shall hunt ye down and kill you........

savannah said...

what about me? xoxo