Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Buses Of Doom

Even before the recession yanks looked doon on buses and bus riders. It seems to be a mark of shame to ride the bus over here which is odd to Old Knudsen as he had to ride the bus an hour to and from work back the the UK and no one looks doon on you cos they also do thing thing called walking in the UK, after I'd get off the bus I'd walk a mile to my work and didn't think anything of it.
Americans go on about how small and quaint the UK is but still they hire cars. How did that work out for you Matthew Broderick? In 1987 he managed to kill a gurl in a car crash in county Fermanagh which is the least populated county in the north of Ireland. Great bus service in Fermanagh I bet.

Over here I see the Inland Empire's bus company Omnitrans putting out shite commercials on the telly that look like they transported someone with no budget from the 1970's to make them. Reasons to ride Omnitrans, they say something like it costs $400 a month to run a car but $40 a month for the bus something silly like that but I think I'd pay the extra if I had it, also you don't have to worry parking and you can safely text and play games on the busy roads, I'm sure the driver does that anyway.

This is the kind of people to ride the bus. I don't want to hear how poor you are if you aren't riding the bus and have a car then you don't know poor. Give up the party life a bit and stop complaining at how you can only afford fast food 4 times a week.

You meet a lovely class of people on the bus. Old Knudsen doesn't mean to judge he tells it from experience. Its generally accepted that if you spend anytime in prison you won't be able to afford a car when you get out so guess how criminals get around. Black people shouting into their beeping phones and if you get the school rush expect the bus to pull over while 20 6 foot tall 14 year-old black gurls start fighting.

Old Knudsen has seen a woman doing the shampoo commercial hair flick while her hair crawled with lice. The crazy guy that would shout out, "James Brown black mother fucker somebody hit me" and not to mention the fat guy who after putting his bicycle on the rack on the front of the bus sits doon and proceeds to vomit into his back pack.

Wot you don't believe me? then ride the bus for a month and spend the $360 you saved not using yer car on therapy.
Either disabled people in the UK had NHS buses or they never let them out but over here you get the usual fat fucker following the American dream of never having to walk again holding the bus up for 10 minutes while half the bus moves to the back and seats are folded and his power chair is strapped in just so he can get off at the next stop.

They may say clean air bus on the top but the air inside smells like Nam. One out of five drivers are remotely friendly or human while the rest make people stand outside for an extra ten minutes on top of the ten minutes they were late in the boiling heat while they talk to their driver friends and they are always late if they even bother to turn up.
Yer lucky if there is air conditioning on cos the driver has an open window and probably dash air.

Due to the lack ethnic zombie pictures Old Knudsen has used his skill to portray white people as a minority as indeed they are and shows an accurate view of Omnitrans passengers. Only crazed zombie criminals on crack would ride the Southern Callyfornia buses out of choice so don't go giving Old Knudsen a box of shite and tell him it saves money on a real present.


Leah said...

I used to ride the bus crosstown to work every morning. I can't really say I enjoyed it...

I just went and looked up the Matthew Broderick car crash thing and couldn't believe it. He totally killed a lady and her mother, seemingly for no reason veering into their lane on a deserted country road! He was actually convicted of it, a lesser charge. He says he doesn't remember anything about the day. Holy fuck. I always knew I hated him, just never had a specific reason until now.

Dave King said...

I always greatly enjoyed my bus rides to and from work - and out and about on behalf of work as well. I would settle down with the latest read or just watch the world go by. I missed it later, when I got a car. Seems strange to me, looking down on bus riders.

dai said...

Nothing like "On the Buses" eh?

Donn Coppens said...

The American Dream of never having to walk again!
Brilliant synopsis.

MJ said...

Mistress MJ detests public transit but is too lazy to walk in the rain and too cheap to buy a car.

First of all, there is the risk to the drivers.

Assaults are common including these examples:

A man who repeatedly punched a transit driver in the head was sentenced to just two years probation.

A female driver suffered a concussion from being beaten by a passenger.

And this …Two passengers grabbed the driver, threw her off the bus, assaulted her and then set the bus on fire.

Plexiglass cages are being considered to protect the drivers.

And the passenger experience is a bundle of laffs too.

My own two latest personal examples are as follows:

I’m standing alone at a bus stop at night and a guy gets off the bus and immediately holds out his cap and asks me for spare change.

I walk away from him and he throws his coffee at me. Luckily, it missed me by a couple of inches.

I was alone with him on the platform, I should add.

A few days ago a drunk got on the bus with two huge garbage bags filled with dripping empties and he asked me to give up my seat for him.

I refused so he pestered someone else into getting up for him.

The next 15 minutes was filled with his loudly ranting about how he was a murderer who spent 10 years in prison for killing bitches and that the only good whore is a dead whore. On and on and on.

This is my daily commute.

I have much more to add but you get the general picture.

Xmichra said...

and don't forge the chances of being stabed and eaten on a bus. Nothing says cheaper commute than meals on wheels.

The Hangar Queen said...

Cathal is being a bit harsh here but I get the point.

TachaƩ said...