Sunday, 31 May 2009
Either those curtains go or I do as Oscar Wilde may have said on his death bed (I wasn't there) that sultry look of pissed off sucking on a pickle and that oh so classy Playboy bunny tattoo. I really don't get the tat what is it trying to say? I read playboy? I could be in Playboy? well except for yer appearance and real boobies, didn't ya get the memo? real boobs are as disgusting as foreskins ................ see what I did there? I got a dig at the circumcision lobby by criticizing what god gave ya.
Maybe its saying 'I'm a chavette' well duh!
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Friday, 29 May 2009
The Shor people of the Kemerovo Region in Siberia are claiming that something is snatching up the wild leek crop that is a staple of their diet. The thieves leave behind large footprints with clearly defined toes, similar to the prints found in the area earlier this year.
Bigfoot sightings are common in this remote land and they have received attention worldwide. An expedition headed by director of the International Center for Hominology Igor Burtsev visited the area at the end of March to study footprints found in Azasskaya Cave, but due to all the crews of the various Sci-fi channel TV shows walking about in the dark with a camera on their heads getting freaked out at every little animal sound Burtsev didn't find anything.
Vladimir Makuta a district administrator says he has received 14 new written reports of yeti sightings near the cave and the nearby Mrassu River. The witnesses say the creature is about 5-6.5 feet tall and wears socks with his sandals. Others say the beast is a visiting tourist from either Florida or Texas and its just a ploy to get visiters to the area.
Bud Ashcracker (pictured) was on holiday with his family and is from Florida, he said this, "I cum from Florida and thats a free country which means I can take what I want its my rights as handed down to Moses and put in the Constitution and if I want to take a leek I shall for I is American."
Argue with that you Siberian commie bastards.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Old Knudsen has proclaimed the Shroud of Turin to be the 12th century equivalent of the modern day grilled cheese sandwich with a holy face on it. Who gives a fuck how they did it or who did it we fucking well caught ya so not so clever now.
Holy bread batman!
So Old Knudsen went fer a dump and was sitting there on the bog just waiting for a miracle. At my age a bowel movement receives much rejoicing.
So I was sitting there like you do with that commercial jingle in me head, "Subway, 5 dollar, 5 dollar foot long." It was only natural that I start to swing it a bit and do some scatting.
I heard the plop that baptised me arse in shite water. "Captain warhead has been deployed" Yes Old Knudsen does talk to himself, its the only way he can have intercourse with an equal.
I looked doon the crapper and though it was impressive it was no record breaker so I left it there for my cleaning lady to see.
As I pass the Employees must wash their hands sign I stole from Jack in the box I held my head back and laughed. Its like an OCD good luck ritual of mine. Water only touches Old Knudsen's hands when hes drunk and having a pish at the back of the bus.
I sit doon to watch Fox news as I like to be told who the enemy are and what to think as coming up with opinions can be tiring. The cleaning lady screams when she gets into the bathroom.
Is it me or does everyman get aroused by the screaming of weemen? Old Knudsen may have a whole stack of giving birth porn, the sick fucker.
The cleaning lady wasn't ascared as I first thought but Mrs Munoz was holding my turd like a baby and dancing around the room. She babbled about seeing the image of Jesus on it but before I could get it and sell it on e-bay she ran off.
Now there is a Catholic church nearby worshipping Old Knudsen's loaf. Ach they've been worshipping shit for centuries so why not mine?
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Even before the recession yanks looked doon on buses and bus riders. It seems to be a mark of shame to ride the bus over here which is odd to Old Knudsen as he had to ride the bus an hour to and from work back the the UK and no one looks doon on you cos they also do thing thing called walking in the UK, after I'd get off the bus I'd walk a mile to my work and didn't think anything of it.
Americans go on about how small and quaint the UK is but still they hire cars. How did that work out for you Matthew Broderick? In 1987 he managed to kill a gurl in a car crash in county Fermanagh which is the least populated county in the north of Ireland. Great bus service in Fermanagh I bet.
Over here I see the Inland Empire's bus company Omnitrans putting out shite commercials on the telly that look like they transported someone with no budget from the 1970's to make them. Reasons to ride Omnitrans, they say something like it costs $400 a month to run a car but $40 a month for the bus something silly like that but I think I'd pay the extra if I had it, also you don't have to worry parking and you can safely text and play games on the busy roads, I'm sure the driver does that anyway.
This is the kind of people to ride the bus. I don't want to hear how poor you are if you aren't riding the bus and have a car then you don't know poor. Give up the party life a bit and stop complaining at how you can only afford fast food 4 times a week.
You meet a lovely class of people on the bus. Old Knudsen doesn't mean to judge he tells it from experience. Its generally accepted that if you spend anytime in prison you won't be able to afford a car when you get out so guess how criminals get around. Black people shouting into their beeping phones and if you get the school rush expect the bus to pull over while 20 6 foot tall 14 year-old black gurls start fighting.
Old Knudsen has seen a woman doing the shampoo commercial hair flick while her hair crawled with lice. The crazy guy that would shout out, "James Brown black mother fucker somebody hit me" and not to mention the fat guy who after putting his bicycle on the rack on the front of the bus sits doon and proceeds to vomit into his back pack.
Wot you don't believe me? then ride the bus for a month and spend the $360 you saved not using yer car on therapy.
Either disabled people in the UK had NHS buses or they never let them out but over here you get the usual fat fucker following the American dream of never having to walk again holding the bus up for 10 minutes while half the bus moves to the back and seats are folded and his power chair is strapped in just so he can get off at the next stop.
They may say clean air bus on the top but the air inside smells like Nam. One out of five drivers are remotely friendly or human while the rest make people stand outside for an extra ten minutes on top of the ten minutes they were late in the boiling heat while they talk to their driver friends and they are always late if they even bother to turn up.
Yer lucky if there is air conditioning on cos the driver has an open window and probably dash air.
Due to the lack ethnic zombie pictures Old Knudsen has used his skill to portray white people as a minority as indeed they are and shows an accurate view of Omnitrans passengers. Only crazed zombie criminals on crack would ride the Southern Callyfornia buses out of choice so don't go giving Old Knudsen a box of shite and tell him it saves money on a real present.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Doctor Is A Real Handyman
Rob Carson an Australian country doctor saved the life of a 12 year-old boy by using a power drill to bore into his skull. Young Nicholas Rossi suffered bleeding to the brain after a fall from his bike due to a few too many tinnys.
Retailing for $210.00 the DeWalt 18-Volt variable speed cordless drill or now known as the Miracle drill is set at a new low price of $199.00 . 1/2 inch chuck capacity, 1 hour charger and weights in at light 4.8 LBS you might not die without having one but will yer child?
When the doctor asks you for a power tool to use on yer child are you going to be the one to say, "Sorry the loud noises of power tool scare me" or " I don't use them for fear of breaking a nail?"
Grow a set of DeWalts or yer family might die!
He was given advice on the phone by leading Melbourne neurosurgeon David Wallace and from This Old Hoose, handyman Norm Abram.
Michael Rossi says his son would have died if Dr Carson had not acted quickly.
"He came out and he saw us and he said he's only got one shot at it, and one shot only," he said.
"[He said] 'I'm going to drill into Nick's head and try and relieve the pressure then I'm going use a fast setting wood filler and then a fine grade of sandpaper'."
"And he said if we can relieve the pressure he's going to reach Melbourne via air ambulance in a lot better shape than if we don't try something.
"Dr Carson told me all he can remember saying is, 'Get the Black and Decker'."
Luckily they had a DeWalt 18-Volt variable speed cordless drill instead or this would not have turned out to be such a happy story.Nicholas Rossi has made a full recovery after the procedure and celebrated his 13th birthday yesterday. In another week he'll be ready for his first coat of exterior varnish.
You can also see a full range of DeWalt products on Extreme Makeover: Hip Edition and Pimp my breasts.
When buying a DeWalt 18-Volt variable speed cordless drill mention this post.
John Demjanjuk aged 89, was deported to Germany from the United States to face allegations of being an accessory to the murder of 29,000 Jews and others as a Nazi guard at the Sobibor death camp.
Ukrainian born Demjanjuk, was sent to Sobibor as part of a legion of foreign SS “volunteers.” He had been a soldier in the Red Army and he was recruited while being held prisoner in a German P.O.W. camp.
The retired Ohio autoworker was born “Ivan” Demjanjuk and the Israelis tried to charge him with being “Ivan the Terrible” a notoriously sadistic guard at the Treblinka death camp.
The Israeli Supreme Court overturned Demjanjuk’s conviction in 1993 after evidence emerged that he was not in fact that “Ivan.” Since he was simply a guard at another camp the Israelis did not regard this as sufficient reason to continue to hold him.
Spot the war criminal as he aides the enemy.
In West Germany in 1968 a general amnesty was posted for those lower level guards. Many former guards have been let off the hook and even before the amnesty Germany went lightly on many war criminals.
Josef Oberhauser an SS officer who in 1965 was found guilty for his part in the murder of 300,000. Oberhauser was sentenced to four years and six months in prison thats 7.8 minutes for each of his victims.
By the same reckoning Demjanjuk should get about 5 months. In fact it turns out that Oberhauser would have been in charge of Demjanjuk at Sobibor, its a small world after all.
So now Germany is gagging to charge Demjanjuk for his minor role even though they themselves refuse to extradite their own war criminals.
In June 2005, an Italian court found ten former members of the Waffen SS Reichsführer division guilty of mass murder for their roles in the infamous massacre of 560 civilians in the town of Sant’Anna di Stazzema none of them were extradited and will miss out on the fun to be had in prison and live out their lives in Germany.
Lock the fucker up , Demjanjuk did unto others so it wouldn't get done to him, its karma but its pick and choose karma. In 2002 the German justice minister Herta Däubler-Gmelin who was the daughter of a famous Nazi war criminal compared George Bush To Hitler.
Germany has never been right in the head.
When Germany invaded Poland in 1939 from the west Russia invaded Poland about a week later from the east. They met in the middle and built a border together. The Russians then set about executing 20,000 Poles who were military officers or high in society.
The Russians worked with the Nazis until Hitler turned on them and then they formed an alliance with the US and Great Britain. In Britain there were many Poles in exile. They got the chance to ask Stalin where all those poeple were. Stalin said they must have escaped.
Since the fall of the wall info has been released about Russian activities .Now Russians come forward and tell how they rounded up all unwanted people for execution.
So many people doing the wrong thing just like politicans and their expense accounts. Is karma over worked ? or does it need a kick up the arse like the U.N. does?
Monday, 25 May 2009
Teen Hoo hoo exposed in school photo
In Florida a crazed mother is demanding that her daughter's high school recall and reprint its yearbook because the teen, a junior may have exposed her tuna taco in a club photo.
The 16 year-old gurl explained that she didn't wear panties the day the photo was taken because she didn't want her panty lines to show.
So will the slime trail she leaves on the seats at school, a track for males to follow.
Old Knudsen has looked at the photo and and cannot see blurt just blur. Observing the two pictures me thinks the lass should be slapped and sent to her room to study or to watch Dora the fur burger explorer never mind about panty lines.
Merely an excuse not to go to school or to get the attention of Playboy magazine. Sit and dress like a lady young lady you have plenty of time to slut it up after you graduate college.
The teens face, cooch and name have been with-held as she is a minor though I'm sure by now its easy enough to get all.
I am writing to complain about the interview between reporter Anne Curry and movie star Brad Pitt at the Cannes film festival in France .
Ms Curry stays on track for the first few minutes talking about Mr Pitt's role in his new film Inglourious Basterds. She then segways into his work building homes in New Orleans for the victims of Katrina .
Mr Pitt's Time magazine feature was was mention prompting Ms Curry to ask him what its like being one of the most influential people in America, this made Mr Pitt visibly uncomfortable which then made her ask about being one of the world's sexiest men which made him stammer and blush.
The interview that lasted a total of 8 minutes consisted of her of inappropriately touching him three times and every time he shifted his stance or moved his head she craned her neck so she would be face to face with him.
Ms Curry needs to lock it doon because we know Angelina is crazy as fuck and will cut her up.
Later on Ms Curry interviewed Quentin Tarrantino and performed fallatio on him while he talked about Brad Pitt. I didn't see that one but I'm sure it was inappropiate.
It is difficult enough for intelligent, talented men like Brad Pitt and myself to be taken seriously because we are so good looking and when little dolly birds like Ms Curry behave in such a manner all those decades of fighting for men's rights are destroyed and we are yet again seen as baby machines without the vote only fit for a life chained bare footed and drained at our garage work bench.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
A 9 year inquiry into abuse suffered by children in Catholic institutions in Ireland has been described as "shocking reading" how about this instead "fucking long" at five volumes and 2,500 pages long.
I know the Irish like to stretch out jobs by leaning on their spades but 9 years? The report covered a period of six decades of abuse by priests and nuns.
35,000 children were placed in a network of reformatories, industrial schools and workhouses up to the 1980s. Hold on was that 1980 or 1880?
2,000 came forward and told the commission to inquire into the physical and sexual abuse they suffered while under Fenian care.
The commission was set up in the year 2000 after the Irish tribe leader Bertie Ahern issued an apology on behalf of the state to the victims of child abuse.
The government has already paid out almost one billion euros in compensation and legal fees to 12,500 people.
The children lived there until they were 16 and then they were cast out into the world traumatised after years of abuse, many immigrated as soon as they could.
Sadie O'Meara worked at one of the Magdalene Laundries by the Legion of Mary. She worked long hours washing and ironing customers laundry. Being the daughter of an unmarried mother she says she never found out why she ended up there and for four years suffered physical and emotional abuse in an institution run by the Sisters of Charity. Its usually the unmarried mothers and not the children that end up there often sent by their family.
Her typical account goes on to say:
"Your cell door was locked every night when you went in and you had a bucket and an iron bed and you couldn't look out the window. It was all bars.
"The food was absolutely brutal. And my mam died but they never told me she died. She died on Christmas Day but they never told me."
There are other accounts of various beatings with a leather strap or one of the Christian brothers banging yer head off a desk because they had a bad day.
If a sexy little 8 year-old caught the eye of one of the Christian brothers they had 24 hour access to do what they wanted or you'd be raped by the older boys, threatened and beat up by all if you reported anything.
The Christian brothers have already fixed it in 2004 that they will not have to give the names of any of the abusers dead or alive.
This blog does not sanction waterboarding for nuns, priests, popes or pedos in general. It does support putting them in a swimming pool filled with vinegar covered razor bladers and removing the ladder like in a Sims game.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
My name is Gordon Brown texture like sun which is ironic as light is my destroyer, see my pale Scottish skin as it burns. I am the Prime Minister for The United kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and it has been 3 days and 18 hours since I paid for something personal using the taxpayers money.
I bought a Hannah Montana Rockin White Electric Guitar, an egg and onion sandwich and a Mars bar. I apologise to the British people but how can it feel so good and be so bad?
Since weekends are dead zones in the blogging world I shall use them for totty. I shall post the chick I'd like to meet at a bar and take home to introduce to me mam and then bang this hottie in my bedroom while wearing a Harry Potter robe and glasses.
On Sunday I shall post the gurl you'd do after a few pints but isn't really all that.
Labels: sexy saturday
Friday, 22 May 2009
L-R Starbust, Tina and Hot pants very nice gurls and mostly clean.
In Britain a father who tried to hire a prostitute to take his 14-year-old son's virginity as a present was given a 10-month prison sentence, suspended for a year. Thank fuck justice was served.
They drove past the gurls and the dad pointed at one and said, "Will she do?" The boy was already licking at the window so he took that as yes.
Then the sting as he was arrested by plainclothes police officers, well thats a lie cos one office was wearing purple flared trousers (it is England) and you can't call that plain.
The wisdom of Solomon that is.
To the Polish the age of 14 is very late and so people would start to think yer a bit Rock Hudson so the father was doing something great for his son.
I'm sure all the (normal) fellas would wish their dad did the same. Most Poles are smoking by the age of 6 and having sex by the age of 8. Almost like Scottish culture but dirty and Slavic.
Here are the two top chiefs from the Golden Cock just up the road I'd tell you their names but they were in Chinese or something . Their specialty is the Cum pun chicken with extra chink choke poured over the rice. I have no idea what that means. They invited Old Knudsen to play Russian roulette with them and Old Knudsen being a playa and heavily addicted to egg rolls how could he decline?
I suspect Old Knudsen was hustled for one of his pensions as the guy at the front who I called Derek all night was obviously a pro. Old Knudsen did win a few times. The glare of the Southern Callyfornian morning burned his eyes as he staggered home with a small bag of egg rolls and some sweet and sour sass.
Home to sleep off a thumping headache . If only he knew what danger awaited him in his bed.
Tune in at eleven tonight to find out what.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
US Vice-President Joe Biden while on his three-day tour of the Balkans said, "The success of an independent Kosovo is a priority for our administration." He then went on to say "When Joe Biden grew up in Scranton he didn't have no independence , when King George the third put the screws on Joe Biden, Joe Biden got his pals Mack the knife and legs Malone and went down to the town square and rolled up their sleeves and declared their Independence. Joe Biden was not afraid when 50 armed and ready Minutemen marched up to Joe Biden and told Joe Biden to surrender, "We ain't surrendering to you mugs" yelled Joe Biden and Joe Biden proceeded with minimum help from Joe Biden's pals to box Minuteman ears."
To which he received several standing ovations from Kosovo MPs.
Mr Biden became the most senior US official to visit Kosovo since it declared independence in February 2008.
Pope Benedict XVI if that is indeed his real name went to the middle east on an 8 day visit with the hope to bring peace to the most violent and most holy place in the world.
Old Knudsen doesn't want to get into the whole Protestant Pope bashing thing for the sake of if but he will cos its fucking odd.
This 82 year-old Bavarian .............. German in other words, ex Hitler youth who wear clothes that cost more than most make in a year has the presence and the charm of Nosferatu. He even sounds like a vampire.
I wouldn't trust my kid to this cunt never mind my soul. Lets clear something up about the Hitler youth the youths were made to join. The Hilter youth and what old men that could hold a rifle were the last line of defense in Berlin. Since Hitler who was only a socialist in name he was intent on destroying Germany.
In the Pope's memoirs To all the boys I've loved before he says he was in the Hitler Youth but the Vatican then cums out and says, oh no he was never in it. WTF? just admit it. I seem to recall a story of how he surrendered to allied troops but claimed to have never done any fighting.
Can you believe a Fenian? Old Knudsen has found that even while under torture they will lie, disgusting I say.
I liked the other guy more, ya know the pedo shuffler. Step right up and guess under what parish the pedo priest will be assigned to. People loved John Paul not just because he was retarded (see famous kill birdy pic above) but because he could smile and look friendly, Ratzinger doesn't even have a friendly sounding last name.
Fuck ze Jews are burning ............. I mean boring. Always complaining about something, blah blah rocket attacks, blah blah he said killed 6000 Jews and not murdered .
What can the Vatican do? they can't even stop a blasphemous Tom Hanks film. The Vatican is re-shaping itself in the mould of the Republican party.
Go right wing, get rid of weaklings. Pedos, holocaust deniers all welcome even the odd Nazi here and there. Say stupid things and then do damage control cos you are so fucked in the head and out of touch.
The next Pope should be across between the current one and Sarah Palin just imagine what an uncaring selfrighteous pompus prick that would be.
Save the earth and follow the Vatican no not God me, yes do as I say and not what I do. Some old farts played office politics so therefore God talks through me.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Kirk: "I'm lost and confused ........... IIIIIII feel like Space porn just isn't exciting .................. enoughformyneeds ................... andeveryoneonboard .................. knows .................. meandstays .................. away."
Scotty: " In my humble and always correct opinion captain you've been masturbating so much yer turning Japanese I really think so."
Spock: " There is this new girl on deck 4 why don't you ask her out Captain?"
Kirk: "Justlike ........ asillyfemale .......... ofcourseitsnotdangerous .................. intherighthands ........... butafterwatching.............. Die Hard................ Iwantsomeaction .................... thenIwantsomeaction."
Kirk: " Areyousure ............... sheis ......................... dead? ........................ Ionlyhaditsetforexplode."
Dr McCoy: "Shes dead Jim!"
Spock: "You've said that 12 times Doctor oy veh enough already I'm trying to think. Captain did anyone see you leave with her?"
Kirk: " Bonesits ................. okshesretarded ........... orsomething."
Scotty: " Ach where is the captain my hemorrhoids are itching and I was going to spend quality time with wee Scotty junior."
Kirk: "Yes little Angus I have a surprise for you."
Dr McCoy: " Its worse than that hes ten Jim."
Spock: " No more humans Captain too many questions are asked. Logic dictates you need something like this."
Kirk: "Yuck alien sex?"
Kirk: "Soundslikefun ............... lets do it."
Spock: "Keep that thing the fuck away from me ."
Kirk: "No you yeti unicorn I get to be on top."
Scotty: "I'll teach that bastard, Obama go take this to the Captain."
Kirk: "Itoldyou .............. redshirts ............. nevertostandnearme ............... especiallyyou ......... Obama ................ you'rereally ............. askingforit.
Kirk: " Aplanetfullof ............. hotgreenchicks ................ soundsgoodSpock ............. Doctor ..... howis ............... Sulucomingalong?"
Dr McCoy: " I know it burns but you'll be cured of homosexuality in no time."
Sulu Thinking: 'Who could have told?'
Sulu: "Yes my eyes have been opened to what is normal and I find women attractive but I'm still a racist so fluck off before I scratch your eyes out bitch, its people like you who vote yes on prop 8........ not that I care."
Kirk: "Nowthats ........ whatIlike."
Leering Crew: "Oh yeah baby, uh huh."
Green Woman: "This planet is Bean flicker 4 we don't need or want men."
Kirk: "ButI .................................................................. needsomepussy."
Green Woman: "We have lots of pussy to spare in exchange for penis shaped objects like dildos and vibrators."
Kirk: "The irony turns ........................ myballs............................ blue."
Spock: " I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this but you can borrow my salt vampire with the blow job lips, she really gets your Pon Farr going as long as she controls those teeth."
Kirk: "Dude.................... youarethe ..................... bestfriendever ................. letspartylikeits .............. 2159.
ED: " Hey Shaun mate ah sir, can I light up a fag in here or what you twat?"
Sulu: " A fag? Thats FABULOUS!"
Labels: star trek is recycling gone mad