Thursday, 30 April 2009

You Won't Catch Swine Flu By Eating Bacon You Fucking Moron

This post is dedicated to Donn. Long may the memory of him live on in the hearts and minds of our children.

A type of flu that has pig, bird and human DNA may be out and about mostly killing off Mexicans. Since I doubt many Mexicans read my blog I can be safe in saying without losing any readers tough shit I don't know you.

Only a dirty Mexican would think about fucking a bird or a pig or a pig when they have the flu.

How dare they come up here looking for a better life working in demeaning jobs with poor safety regulations for shit pay, hold on a minute that sounds too much like the army.

*Anyway I'm still eating my eggs, bacon and any census takers,* I eat them with some Heinz baked beans and a nice bottle of beat the wife.

Pigs , chickens and cows are amazing animals and its an insult to God not to eat them, thats how I validate my Protestant Voodoo religion and condemn the rest.

I didn't catch The Spanish flu in 1918 mainly because I was in the tunnels under France fighting what is now known as The secret battles of World war one , The Hun had bred albino soldiers who had great night vision and as everyone knows there is a labyrinth of caves and tunnels under Europe and the northern part of Africa. Huge they are. Me and Knudsen's Badgers as our unit was called fought on until 1920, finally after running out of rations and ammo we gave them a jolly stern talking too and they sloped off back to Germany. Bullies are cowards at heart or so everyone that hasn't been bullied says.

I got decorated for my actions, mainly with tinsel and glitter it was fabulous!

Old Knudsen's tips on avoiding the flu as yer silly vaccinations won't help you with this one:

1) Cover whole body in cling film breathing through a straw blocked up with cotton wool.

3) Kill and burn anyone you see coughing.

4) Have sex with old Scottish bloggers with caps.

5) Avoid hospitals, aeroplanes and Catholic Chapels.

If you can only do one of these then make it the most important one apart from number 4 . Number 2 will undoubtedly save yer life and is quite easy to do. DO IT NOW!

I am trying to get published in the world of scientific academia and am currently working on a feces about how obviously all diseases cum from Germany as it has the word germ in it and if you say it fast you can call it Germy and the people who live there Germ-mans. Germ any?

I may soon be asked to go to Helsinki, Sweden to collect a noble piece prize. Fingers crossed folks.

What if you have sex with someone who had sex with someone that ate bacon? will you still get it?

When you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they have had sex with and many of those may have had intimate contact with swine, pigs and real boars .

What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

*While Old Knudsen knows you can't catch the flu from playing with yer food he wants to assure the people that eggs, bacon and people are safe to consume.*

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dai said...

Anyone seen the bog flu?

Istvanski said...

Bottom Picture - don't fancy yours much. Hope you got yerself down to the GU clinic for a dose of Tamiflu.

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

Yep, the hog farmers are already complaining that their sales are off, and Charles Grassley - Iowa, Twitted that pork was safe to eat. I'm sure there'll be a congressional committee convened any moment now to rename "swine flu" to something else.

Actually, I'm surprised the Republicans aren't calling it "Obama flu"; Obama was in Mexico recently, and the Republicans blame him for everything else, so...

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

Oh, and I will keep up on #3 until I get caught. I managed to avoid the zombie outbreak and that nasty cold that was going around last year that way, so I know it works.



Part of that is true...
whilst in Mexico I did eat like a Pig.

I can't wait for all of the royalties on these photos..
you did read the letter from my Attorney?

GERM-any..I geddit?

MJ said...

I have some thoughts on this GERMinating but first I have to go slop the pigs.

Manuel said...

we are all waiting for some god bothering type from north antrim to step up and tell the world that it;s god's punishment for ....being gay/Mexican/Catholic know it's coming.....