Monday, 13 April 2009

Not About Furniture At All.

Sgt Howie in the original, he was very Christian and the whole film is him refusing to be tempted into having fun er I mean evil sex.


I've always liked the 1973 Wickerman film starring Edward Woodward. It had naked weemen and that crazy Manson like hippy energy that was far out but creepy. I don't think I'm spoiling anything by saying the cop gets burned in an 'Easter' type rebirth pagan ceremony at the end.

Woodward says in a loud commanding Shakespearean voice "Put the flaming torch down now Billy............. don't be a fool" or was that in the Equaliser ?


Hollywood changed the movie by setting it in crazy land USA in other words Washington state. An American island rather than a Scottish one.

I waited until it came on the telly because I wasn't paying to watch a film I knew it was going to be shite, ok I never expected Oceans 12 to be a complete abortion, I don't want to talk about it.

The original had tits and arse. the only tits in the remake are the actors.

Nicholas Cage plays Edward Malus, the names are so corny in this film so I guess its Edward for 'Woodward' and Malus which translates as bad one, maybe it was a comment about his acting/tax paying skills or choice of roles.

Malus a motorcycle cop whose head turns into flames due to dandruff witnesses a car wreak in which a mother and child are burned to death though bodies were never found ..... creepy.

Psychologically scared Malus while on medical leave gets a letter from Willow Woodward a former gurlfriend who lives on said island of Summersisle up in Washington saying her daughter is missing and the hippies up there are conspiring to cover it up.

Sister Willow could very well be in the Irish pop group 'The Corrs'

The Corrs, guy Corr, ugly Corr, hot Corr and other Corr.

He has to be the worse cop in the world. He takes off without back up or any real travel arrangements as he hitches a ride on the sea plane that supplies the island, it wasn't far he could of hired a small boat, at least he could leave if he wanted.

No cell phone signal as Washington is like a Mad max film and ruled by white supremacist midgets who ride on the shoulders of retarded body builders.

He has no jurisdiction up there but flashes his badge anyway. He picks locks and breaks into hooses and forces his way into other hooses and assaults weemen. He'll climb into locked crypts and will open metal grills on the ground and dive into the water below hoping that it isn't a trap and no one will close it on him and remove the bullets from the only magazine clip he has in his gun without him noticing.

Shouting at a classroom of creepy little blonde gurls at Sister Rose's school.

He won't ask questions like, "how did you find me?" to his rescuer or write anything doon. Malus isn't very bright and you look forward to him getting burned alive, as for the daughter who is missing ........... very creepy!

Like little child ghosts in films , fuck I hate them they give Old Knudsen the willys.

The island is full of weemen all called sister, Moss, Rose, Willow, Beech and even Summersisle. If there was a sister Crabgrass or Cucumber you never saw her.

The few men on the island seem to be mute rednecks that do as they are told.

Malus runs all over the island shouting and slapping the weemen about and ends up dressed in a bear suit for the final rebirth ceremony. He got a razzie award for worse screen couple for him and his bear suit.

If The Troll on my sidebar was a cop this is the kind of cop I'd imagine him to be, just as dumb but the weemen would be slapping him about.

Surprise of all surprises it was all a plan to get him there to sacrifice him to save their poor honey crop.
Everyone lied, wow! I didn't see that coming in the bad dialogue and acting. The director of the original distanced himself from this flop that cost $35,000,000 to make.


In the last bit as Malus is being dragged to the wickerman to be burned you can hear him shout off camera "My legs my legs" as they supposedly break them. Old Knudsen in an act of defiance would shout, "My ears my ears".

It ends with a couple of the gurls from the island in a bar picking up men as future sacrifices.

Happy Easter Monday or bank holiday Monday as the bankers deserve a rest from all their hard work, time to spend those bonus'

I now call for the execution of Nicolas Cage for crimes against cinema.


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7 comments:

MJ said...

You should be feeling sorry for Nicholas Cage.

Due to economic hardship, he's been forced to sell his last castle ... in Germany.

He'll be forced to move in with Mago now.

MJ said...

Are Wiccans only allowed to sit on Wicker chairs?

Am I allowed to ask that question on a post that is not about furniture?

Boxer said...

guess who stopped by my blog.

Your Bromanc - Donn.

Mister Coppens said...

I am a hardcore Corrs fan..and like every other red-blooded man I'd like to hardcore Andrea!

OK you must remember that Nic Cage is famous for his impossibly over-the-top performances in movies but he has made 3 that I enjoyed; National Treasure, Lord Of War and Valley Girl.

Now Wicker Man is one of those trippy films that should NEVER EVER EVER be tampered with. EVER!
So right from the getgo I knew that I would not see it..but my 18 year old son told me some of the ridiculous Cagian scenes from Wickerman...and eeew! Seriously?

I may be tempted to view it on one of our regular "stinker" nights when we deliberately watch awful movies...afterall he is in 1st year Uni and studying "film" is damn near mandatory when it comes to course filler.

All white people believe that they will at some point in their life direct or act in a feature film or documentary..it's true and I read it in Stuff White People Like.

Thank you for this validation.

Old Knudsen said...

MJ moving in with Mago I should feel sorry for him. Wiccans are always fat naked chicks called Raven so they have to be careful where they sit, and no.

Boxer isn't he lovely?

Donn what can I do to make you love me? its a song but really.

Selchie said...

Nicholas Cage- yeah bit weak, destroyed Captain Correlli for me with his rubbish Italian accent. Wickerman remake? Nah, creepy though, they had a similar legend in St Just when I lived there about sacrificing people on some big stone after feast day. Needless to say I went home early...

Happy Easter,

Selchie.))

Manuel said...

based in larne if i'm not mistaken.......heh