Thursday, 30 April 2009

Donn Dream Believer

You can look at the original on his blog. While doon Mexico way picking up the Swine flu the lad was pointing north and thinking about Old Knudsen.

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You Won't Catch Swine Flu By Eating Bacon You Fucking Moron

This post is dedicated to Donn. Long may the memory of him live on in the hearts and minds of our children.

A type of flu that has pig, bird and human DNA may be out and about mostly killing off Mexicans. Since I doubt many Mexicans read my blog I can be safe in saying without losing any readers tough shit I don't know you.

Only a dirty Mexican would think about fucking a bird or a pig or a pig when they have the flu.

How dare they come up here looking for a better life working in demeaning jobs with poor safety regulations for shit pay, hold on a minute that sounds too much like the army.

*Anyway I'm still eating my eggs, bacon and any census takers,* I eat them with some Heinz baked beans and a nice bottle of beat the wife.

Pigs , chickens and cows are amazing animals and its an insult to God not to eat them, thats how I validate my Protestant Voodoo religion and condemn the rest.

I didn't catch The Spanish flu in 1918 mainly because I was in the tunnels under France fighting what is now known as The secret battles of World war one , The Hun had bred albino soldiers who had great night vision and as everyone knows there is a labyrinth of caves and tunnels under Europe and the northern part of Africa. Huge they are. Me and Knudsen's Badgers as our unit was called fought on until 1920, finally after running out of rations and ammo we gave them a jolly stern talking too and they sloped off back to Germany. Bullies are cowards at heart or so everyone that hasn't been bullied says.

I got decorated for my actions, mainly with tinsel and glitter it was fabulous!

Old Knudsen's tips on avoiding the flu as yer silly vaccinations won't help you with this one:

1) Cover whole body in cling film breathing through a straw blocked up with cotton wool.

3) Kill and burn anyone you see coughing.

4) Have sex with old Scottish bloggers with caps.

5) Avoid hospitals, aeroplanes and Catholic Chapels.

If you can only do one of these then make it the most important one apart from number 4 . Number 2 will undoubtedly save yer life and is quite easy to do. DO IT NOW!

I am trying to get published in the world of scientific academia and am currently working on a feces about how obviously all diseases cum from Germany as it has the word germ in it and if you say it fast you can call it Germy and the people who live there Germ-mans. Germ any?

I may soon be asked to go to Helsinki, Sweden to collect a noble piece prize. Fingers crossed folks.

What if you have sex with someone who had sex with someone that ate bacon? will you still get it?

When you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they have had sex with and many of those may have had intimate contact with swine, pigs and real boars .

What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

*While Old Knudsen knows you can't catch the flu from playing with yer food he wants to assure the people that eggs, bacon and people are safe to consume.*

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Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Not My Caption

But it says it all...........

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Are Pickles Fruits Or Fags?

The news that Arlen Specter a Republican Senator in Pennsylvania switching over to the Democratic Party didn't mean too much to Old Knudsen but since hearing his reasons and finding out he was a 79 year-old loyal Republican who served in Korea and on the Warren commission coming up with the magic bullet theory and thus enabling Old Knudsen to becum the highest paid assassin of the 1960's.

He said:

"This is a painful decision. I know I'm disappointing many of my colleagues. The disappointment runs in both directions. I'm putting principle at the top of the list."

Old Knudsen heard bi-partisan being bandied about all during the presidential election by both sides. When Obama won and tried to work with the Republicans they tried to block everything and anything he did. He wanted a tuna sandwich for lunch they tried to give him roast beef, you get the idea.

The Republicans threatened their own members if they supported Obama's stimulus plan, what the fuck kind of motivational tool is that? Specter became a man after my own black and shriveled heart and when some one pushes, you push back.

The switch puts Senate Democrats one vote shy of a filibuster-proof majority of 60 seats. When Al Franken gets his seat it will be 60, that means there will be no more time and money wasting bullshit with some guy talking for 12 hours trying to stall a bill. The Republicans will just have to pray that the Democrats use lube.

"As the Republican Party has moved farther and farther to the right, I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Republican philosophy and more in line with the philosophy of the Democratic Party," Specter said.

"In the course of the last several months ... I have traveled the state and surveyed the sentiments of the Republican Party in Pennsylvania and public opinion polls, observed other public opinion polls and have found that the prospects for winning a Republican primary are bleak."

Specter has seen the light, finally a voice of reason in this idiot soul-less cuntry. This man actually cares about serving the people and not an idiot agenda of Old boy network otherwise known as the Iraq lets get rich on it war. If this bloke can't swallow the shit he has being forced to eat for years then there is hope.

The Republican Party is so out of touch and incompetent they use strong arm tactics on their own party instead of reason and debate, it shows you they know they are wrong. They say about his left-wing voting record like its an insult, like claiming some one is ghey, its an insult alright........... if yer 12 years-old maybe.

Just look at the last 8 years, how did that work out for the cuntry? Old Knudsen is no Democrat but they are the lesser of the two evils and at the moment are working with momentum instead of the 'is Bush or Cheney aware of what is going on?' kind of thing.

Old Knudsen does not agree with the bailouts, give the money to the people to stimulate the economy not the bonus giving investment banks. He does not agree with the wars that cannot be won in the middle east either, keep intel in the areas sure but the wars have done more for Taliban recruitment than anything.

The Republican Party threatens to cut any funding to any Senators who don't agree in a brain washed manner, fuck em eh Specter, Obama has more cash anyway and you my friend will get it.

Angry American doesn't know what he is angry about. Ah the subconscious rage of circumcision.

I have seen former president Bush and Senator McCain turning people who were young conservatives into Obama voters because such is the disgust they have witnessed. I mean Palin as the VP? She did more damage to the campaign than Tom Cruise did to Scientology with his views on anti-depressants.

Socialised medicine. Americans can't tell the difference between an Australian accent and many of the British dialects they also can't tell the difference between socialism and Communism and so like the whole race/nigger thing they avoid it like the plague.

I mean Rodney King was beaten resisting arrest by 4 cops in 1991 and because he was black it sparked the LA riots leaving 54 people dead.
King has had six arrests, for drunk driving , domestic abuse involving his former wife, his mother and one of his daughters. He was arrested in a park for indecent exposure and for being under the influence of PCP. Was he worth a riot? and all because he is black.

Back to socialised medicine its always the people who don't understand that being a socialist means looking after the people of yer cuntry and its always those who have health care that are dead against anyone else getting it especially for free.

House foreclosures and losing jobs means more and more people will not have health care. Is that a good thing? is that their fault?
Socialism works just as well as Capitalism, they have their faults and the poor people get screwed to various degrees anyway.

So onto the point of this post and a question that really needs to be asked:

Why does Tom Hanks want the movie career of Nicholas Cage?

Old Knudsen can't keep track with the National Da Vinci Treasure Code movies. Cage may have some tax problems and has to work in shite films to pay the rent but Hanks has done decent stuff and has probably paid off his mortgage by now so what the fuck? It reminds me of Roger Moore playing James Bond aged 58, only Old Knudsen could do those cunning stunts and shag those stunning cunts.

This post has been brought to you by the letters F and U and by the numbers 6 and 9 .

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Stop World Hunger Blogging Day

Many people in the world have conniptions if they miss lunch and complain about low blood sugar that makes them cranky.

These people need to get over their horrible suffering. They know that stopping into McD's for a big mac extra yuck or getting off their lazy arse and cooking will stop their pain.

What if you haven't eaten for days and just don't know if you will be getting any more food and where will this cum from?

Rule of thumb in surviving: You can go 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food.

The experts that make up this shit also say you can survive on just 15 minutes of sleep.

I don't know about you but I'm no good without my 14 hours. You are looking at my picture and thinking that I get a lot of unnecessary beauty sleep aren't you?

There is existing and there is living. Existing is the thing so many people around the world are doing.
Not just in arsehole 3rd world cuntries like France and Italy but also in 2nd world cuntries like America.

Fuck Africa there is no helping them unless you uninvent the AK47. The place is too big too dangerous and too backwards, the Pope is right in telling them not to wear condoms if anyone knows how to achieve sneaky genocide via aids its him.

Fresh and Easy is how I like me weemen and its also a grocery store in America owned by Tescos which is a Brit company. Food is marked doon to sell for the next day its out of date and if it isn't sold then it goes to homeless shelters.

If only every store did this, out of date food depending what it is can still be consumed safely and also it might make the difference to someone by helping a shelter survive. Fresh and Easy have some fucking good stuff.

There is a surplus of food in the world, the only problem is the logistics of getting it to where it is needed, the cost and the will to do so.

Create some good karma for yerself and the world. When given the opportunity give what you can to a charity or seek out yer local food bank and help them.

Old Knudsen will do his part and go and have a fry up as me belly thinks my throat has been cut.

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Tuesday, 28 April 2009

I'll Scratch Yer Eyes Out Bitch

Old Knudsen has mentioned before that he has enjoyed the odd comic book in his time. Not just the Dandy and the Beano but also superhero ones too.

Of all the heroes my main favourites were Captain Britain and Wolverine. The former being a full of himself upper class, alcoholic twat and the latter being a gruff outsider.

Wolverine has now thanks to Hollywood gone mainstream and now teenage cunts who have watched the films think they know Wolverine but they don't.

Old Knudsen actually owned this particular comic. He left it behind in a bed sit he lived in around the early 90's.

Its not Wolverine and the X-men its Wolverine in the X-men as a team player and never to my knowledge any type of leader as he was an anti-hero who bucked authority probably due to appearing not too long after Nam.

He appeared in 1974 in The Hulk comic and became Marvel's version of Batman getting his own comic in 1988.
Old Knudsen never religiously collected comics but if they were there on the shelf he might buy the odd one.

Besides Wolverine going mainstream they have made him into a cute wee puppy. The original Wolverine is 5 foot 3in built like a brick shit hoose and a total drinking, smoking barely in control brawling killer.

Do these claws and belt buckle make me look ghey?

The new Wolverine is 6 foot 2in and looks like her prefers lite beer and show tunes, too civilised no matter how much snarling posing he does.

Yes Old Knudsen is going off Wolverine. Its like Martin Riggs after the first Lethal weapon, they should have called it 'Barely lethal Weapon 2,3 & 4 ' .

I thought you'd be taller bub!

Wolverine is Canadian but has been around since the 19th century and has traveled so has been cured of the oot and aboot thing.

Old Knudsen's point is 'Popularity breeds cuntempt'.

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Monday, 27 April 2009

It Ain't Over Til The Fat Lady Pleads

Karen Ferguson a 700-pound woman (Texas of course) who pleaded for help finding health care on TV got a local rehabilitation clinic accepted her case.

It seems that going on the telly is the only way to gets things in this cuntry as she has been turned doon by nursing homes because of a problem with her insurance. She has diabetes and bed sores and hasn't left her trailer home in a year, let me guess its a double wide.

She expressed her fears of remaining bed-ridden for the rest of her life as her bed sores fester and her body deteriorates but doesn't do anything about it.

"That's the worst thing I could ever imagine," Ferguson said

A couple of years ago when she was a sprightly 300lbs she had open heart surgery. Why bother I ask?

That is the story and now what Old Knudsen thinks and what you should also think .

First of all Texas, WTF? is wrong with that place? Does the government do secret mong experiments on Texas and Florida by spraying the air or infecting the water ?

The left-wing touchy feely people who say you shouldn't racially profile and think alcoholism, drug and sex addiction are illnesses probably think this is an illness too. Those poor smokers and their cancers, they give those who get cancer the honest way a bad name.

Then in that same vein of reasoning we can call Hitler's genocide of the jews, gheys and tinkers etc an illness so therefore he is not to be held accountable. He needed Prozac for his superiority complex.

No one should be held accountable for their actions in case its an illness. "Please help me my liver is dying due to years of drinking" och poor man no wonder he couldn't afford child support he had an illness.

I accept lack of self respect and maybe depression would get you to 700 lbs. It has never got Old Knudsen to 700 lbs maybe he isn't ill enough or maybe he just isn't a big fat lazy cunt.

Kill yerself with eating sure but I don't want to see the rolls of fat or the resources yer using up. Ferguson's ankles cannot support her weight therefore she should be left for the wolves as she rolls around like a turtle on its back.

Who is giving these lazy fuckers food? a year of dieting might do you good, c'mon if you don't like healthy eating and small portions get up and do something about it, oh thats right you can't even use the shitter.

Her age was never mentioned nor were her family so I suspect this story that is being presented as a sad tale is really a fat tale of enabling and guilt.

Is it love to enable these people and feed them Happy meals all day long because that is what they want?

To Old Knudsen this kind of life seems to be the American dream.

If you really hate yerself then kill yerself in a faster way and stop making the rest of us suffer, do yer family want to wipe yer arse and under yer fat rolls ?

What does she offer her family who feed her KFC bargain buckets? moral support? is she funny as fuck? does she wash the dishes?

I'm seen plenty of this shit in real life,
a low education level and I bet she gets a nice wee pension or disability income because she has medical problems due to being fat. I also bet she has a car that she can no longer use and so it makes sense her son or daughter uses it.

I bet she has friends and family that think plaid shirts and combing yer mullet is dressing up.

Old Knudsen has no sympathy for those who let themselves go to the level of being useless and refuse to educate yerself because you didn't like school and blame everyone but yerself . If you can't respect yerself then how can I?

Am I being harsh on fat fucks , mongs, drunkards and druggies? What about those poor pedos that were abused as kids and so feel they must abuse too?

For fuck sake its yer choice and you reap what you sow it isn't rocket science. action re-action.

If Old Knudsen dusted off his Heckler & Koch MSG90A1 with scope that so happens to be

Old Knudsen's weapon of the day

and went out and shot all those fuckers that annoy him a SWAT team may be called and while Old Knudsen would take a few doon with him he may be fatally shot.

While many would applaud the latter part Old Knudsen has not accomplished many of his dreams . Yes they do include Gerard Butler, Donn, Rachel McAdams along with many more also rope, privacy and duct tape.

So Old Knudsen can see if he did this what would happen so therefore won't be doing it until his dreams are completed .

Consider this an uplifting learning post.

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Sunday, 26 April 2009

Click It Go On Bitch Click Now No Faster And Harder

If you like telling weemen what to do and how you like it etc but being weemen they never listen, well this might be of interest. A woman that does what you tell her to do. Sure Old Knudsen sees weemen as equals oh not to himself but to things like human- men and butterflies and such.

Even Old Knudsen's charm fails on the odd leezer type woman but not on this one. Weemen

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Saturday, 25 April 2009

Air Is getting In

Check his head for holes cos there is air getting in.

Former NASA astronaut Edgar Mitchell who was part of the 1971 Apollo 14 moon mission, has said that extraterrestrial life exists, and that the truth is being concealed by the United States and other governments.

Old Knudsen says the man is off his rocker and the creatures you saw were part of a parade and the lights in the sky was car headlights bouncing off Ur anus.

Mankind has long wondered if we're "alone in the universe. Only in our period do we really have evidence. No, we're not alone," Mitchell said.

Of course we're not alone the dead surround us but little green men? er sorry persons of greenish tint. What are ya smoking Mitchell?

"Our destiny, in my opinion, and we might as well get started with it, is to become a part of the planetary community."

Yes cos we like anal probing (maybe so) we like our cows sliced open by lasers, and who the fuck is paying for that? Ever see War of the worlds? yes it was shite, what about Mars attacks? that was ok in a silly way but what about ET? see how the aliens manipulate our children to break the law.
Independence day, people or the mini series 'V' oh how soon they forget. Aliens are bad! look at the world. When a higher civilisation arrives somewhere a lower civilisation already lives there will be genocide not peace and fucking harmony go ask an Indian.

" We should be ready to reach out beyond our planet and beyond our solar system to find out what is really going on out there."

Klingons and Daleks thats what is out there. OK here is the thing. Every time there is a war on or some other unpopular government action someone talks about a Moon base, Life on Mars or Alien conspiracy. It wastes a week or two of media time and distracts the people.

Mitchell grew up in Roswell, New Mexico, which some UFO believers especially the ones with the tourist shops maintain was the site of a UFO crash in 1947.

He said residents of his hometown "had been hushed and told not to talk about their experience by military authorities." They had been warned of "dire consequences" if they did so.

The dire consequences was the TV show Roswell that introduced that creepy Greys anatomy chick with the Hollywood eating disorder Katherine Heigl.

10 years ago, Mitchell claimed, he was finally given an appointment at Pentagon to discuss what he had been told. Considering Clinton declared nothing happened at Roswell and Bush didn't want the public to know anything I find this appointment highly suspicious.

An unnamed admiral working for the Joint Chiefs of Staff promised to uncover the truth behind the Roswell story, Mitchell said. The stories of a UFO crash "were confirmed," but the admiral was then denied access when he "tried to get into the inner workings of that process. The same admiral, Mitchell claimed, now denies the story and thinks his penis is a banana and tries to peel it and give his nurses potassium .

Some UFO sightings have simple explanations. "I urge those who are doubtful: Read the books, read the lore, start to understand what has really been going on. Because there really is no doubt we are being visited," he said.

Don't watch Fire in the sky, Contact or anything by Arthur C Clarke and stay away from the Sci-fi channel.

Old Knudsen has gone where no man has been stupid enough to go before and I'm no just talking about yer Ma. He has forgotten more classified shite than you'll ever know. Aliens do not exist however if you happen upon on throw a glass of water onto them as they melt like a witched witch ................... if they existed. Or just shoot the fuckers whatever.

"The universe that we live in is much more wondrous, exciting, complex and far-reaching than we were ever able to know up to this point in time."

A NASA spokesman denied any cover-up."NASA does not track UFOs. NASA is not involved in any sort of cover-up about alien life on this planet or anywhere else period," Michael Cabbage said .

They also do not have a sound stage in Nevada that looks like the Moon. NASA are whats the word? oh incompetent. How could they do Moon landings 40 years ago but barely launch shuttles today? Who the fuck has a real last name of Cabbage?

Who gives a fuck? what about Iraq and Afghanistan? wars the Americans can't win, no one can. What about health care for the American people and looking after yer own citizens instead of worrying about wogs in the middle east who hate you ?

Why have the aliens been sneaking around all these years? I say we level the middle east and build space guns.

Except there is no such thing as aliens. There are ghosts, sea monsters and time traveling soul eating zombies though.

Sleep well and hope they restrain the other older Alzheimer stricken Spacemen.

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Friday, 24 April 2009


An official at a Florida pharmacy said they incorrectly prepared a supplement given to 21 polo horses that died last weekend while they were preparing to play in a championship match.

Jennifer Beckett of Franck's Pharmacy in Florida announced that the "the strength of an ingredient in the medication to make the horse feel like a big cocked daddy was incorrect." The statement did not say what the ingredient was........... probably speed.

How could such a tragedy happen? Cute furry horses . Old Knudsen is considering closing his blog for a month in mourning . How could Floridians be so constantly stupid?

I have heard its due to inbreeding.

Speaking of stupid Miss Callyfornia Carrie Prejean was competing for Miss USA when that Poo pirate blogger and annoying as fuck cock sucker to the stars Perez Hilton who was a judge asked whether every state should legalize same-sex marriage.

Prejean replied that she is opposed to gay marriage saying she had been raised to believe marriage was between a man and a woman, her answer may have cost her the crown and she finished second to Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton.

"She lost it because of that question," Hilton said . "She was definitely the front-runner before that."

Hilton gave Prejean a zero for her answer.

Another picture of Prejean because weemen in bikinis makes Old Knudsen smile.

I admire her guts for staying true to herself when faced with a question with only one correct answer and it was Hilton's answer.

If she wanted to win there is lying but she didn't want it bad enough but we'll remember her and not the winner.

Discrimination is rampant here in Callyfornia. The blacks and the Mormons voted against same sex marriage and now Perez got to discriminate against someone who though probably couldn't be arsed voting for Prop 8 was against ghey marriage.

As wife beating crackhead Rodney King once said, "Why can't we all just get along?" then again he was high.

Who gives a fuck what some beauty pageant bint thinks? they are all twats anyway if they are in one of those competitions.

As you know Old Knudsen thinks everyone ghey or straight should suffer that punishment known as marriage, let me guess she has never been married.

Oh nearly forgot, on a side note at least 48 people, mostly Iranian pilgrims, died when a suicide bomber blew up a restaurant in Baquba, in the north-east of Iraq.

In Baghdad, a suicide bomber killed at least 28 people detonating a belt of explosives as police distributed aid to a crowd of homeless families.

A total of 76 people................. oh whatever.

The good news is they were brown middle easterners and not cute horses and no beauty queens or queens of any kind were hurt.

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Thursday, 23 April 2009

Protection Isn't For The Weak

Ever just see someone and go yuck I wonder what kind of diseases they have? Here is a list of people that if you had to have sex with to save puppies or for free food or free puppies as food you'd want to wear a full body condom of some kind.

Ron Jeremy or any porn star in general.

The Troll. Yes this is really him.

British pop star Robbie Williams . His sweat will give you a STD.

Iggy Pop and Madonna. Look how scared Jason Timberland is, I bet he burned his clothes afterwards.

Britney Spears and Colin Farrell. Or walking herpes as they are called.

Creepy goat guys that show their packages to young gurls.

The Pope cos you know he wouldn't wear a condom.

Bear Grylls, I wonder what parasites live inside him.

George Clooney he sticks his dick into every woman alive dumps them and is still beloved.

Mel Gibson he sticks his dick into every woman alive and did you know sugar tits that the Jews start all the wars? Well what can you expect they started out as Arabs its that latin temper you know.

Courtney Love how is she still alive and what exactly does she do?

Donald Trump I just don't like the slimy con man fucker.

These two blokes/bears, you just don't know what lives in those hairs. Have the one on the right washed, shaved and sent to my tent!

I don't know who this silly looking lad is but I'm sure yer mother warned you about fellas with 'rape' on their belt buckles.

Zombies I know you can get it from their blood but what about sex? If a hot chick became a zombie would it be safe to keep her as a sex slave?

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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Old Knudsen Honours A Fellow Blogger

Manuel at Well done fillet has been a mate of mine for a while. The cunt won't admit it though cos hes a cunt, didn't I just say that? Also its all politics and being a mate to such a radical blogger such as Old Knudsen may damage any hopes he has for success cos I don't play by the rules. I'm a maverick!

Besides hes a Fenian cocksucker and I'm a beautiful Protestant like our lard Jesus himself was.

Manuel has done uel for himself over the past couple of years and has been mentioned in numerous publications mostly because no one expects a waiter to be able to string a sentence together, hes like a chimp that can do sign language.

I'm one of the many who gets his blog via feedburner then I go over to slag him off. He works in a restaurant in Belfast that gets some very classy customers and if half of them could use a computer I reckon he'd be knee-capped by now. When I lived in Belfast I may have passed him on the street without knowing as we moved in the same circles and knew the same winos. (RIP Ginger Gerry)

I now give you my Manuel poem that I spent many a minute working on, the problem I had was that only runt and punt rhymes with cunt and the Irish were stupid enough to move over to euros so that was punt out.

Manuel the waiter is full of self-pity
His job his life is oh so shitty
He longs to be as great as me
Instead he mops up puke and pee

One day he says I'll write a book
The world will be forced to take a look
At the greatness of me right now in my prime
The server of chavs the bringer of whine

Norn Iron will bow as I swipe yer card
No longer a pleb, now a writer a bard
The Irish blog awards will honour me too
I'm no a prod I'm dirty like you.

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Tuesday, 21 April 2009

A Double Bagger

Susan Boyle (Pic:ITV)

Britain's Got Talent which is the Brit version of American idol has 47 year-old Susan Boyle from Blackburn, Scotland.

Very typical of a beautiful Scottish woman except with less facial hair and scars from bar fights.

Old Knudsen has always delighted in the joke that God plays by making a minger who looks like a demon sing with the voice of an angel.

I'd put a YouTube up but then I'd be breaking my own rules. She has a great voice and sometimes you can hear the accent and other times its um sexy.

To watch Susan's new performance click here

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Monday, 20 April 2009

Blue - Ray Is For The Weak

I don't like to talk about my past exploits much because not only is Old Knudsen a humble and modest person but a lot of his past is still classified and very much in play. I want to take this moment to apologise to all the families of those field agents killed and tortured due to posts I have written on this blog. On the bright side they did turn out to be highly popular posts.

I had just cum out of the Golf war, I was a caddy in the very special air service. I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and would wake up at night screaming as the faces of those I had killed or holed in one would haunt me. Strange cos I usually shoot fuckers in the back and never see their faces , a lot safer that way.

I was approached by Alex Cunklin who was the coordinator for a black on black, wet works and landscape gardening organisation named Treadmill They spent 30 million dollars training me to be a top assassin to be skilled in every weapon and anything that can be used as a weapon. I undertook extensive training in boxing, packaging and Eskrima which is a Filipino weapons-based martial art and paper folding discipline.

My first mission was to kill Russian politician Vladimir Neski. You may have heard about it. The papers reported that he committed suicide in his Berlin hotel room by shooting himself in the back 3 times and then hung himself in his closet with his belt. Well Old Knudsen is going out on a limb here and saying it was no suicide, it was Old Knudsen himself.

Ach it haunts me but the good pay and benefits helped me get through it. Don't go feeling sorry for Old Knudsen I'm sure there are plenty of things about yer own jobs that aren't very nice like printer ink on yer fingers and hey it was a living right?

My next job was the assassination of deposed African dictator Nykwana Wambosa. I spent five days hiding aboard his luxury yacht and then one night I crept out to shoot him making it look like it was one of his own men.
As I drew a bead on Wambosa I saw he had one of his young children with him. Old Knudsen is a man of conscience and could not pull the trigger, besides Wambosa offered me 2 million dollars not to kill him.

Fuck did I get in trouble with Cunklin. They sent out several of my fellow killers to get me. Old Knudsen killed one with a Dutch oven another got it from behind with an iron set for steam press, does anyone ever iron anymore? Old Knudsen likes his trousers with creases not tram lines, a starched crease you could shave on or use as a slashing weapon. Of course I usually can't be arsed these days and yer lucky if I dress from the waste doon ........ depression you know.

Yes I improvised , killing one with a bic pen (blue) a rolled up wank mag, a used condom and a toothbrush, not my toothbrush I must add as I have rep of poor British dental hygiene to up hold though Americans and their lack of health care have probably over taken us by now.

I used my training to allow myself to be captured by local police as I cunningly lay in a drunken stupor in bed covered in the blood of a prostitute, hey I don't mind dirty sex while they are on their periods ask yer ma.

Yer a fucking crack hoor, I don't do washing so stop being picky and suck me lad.

To find out if I was a security risk Cunklin waterboarded me, then put bambo splinters up my fingers nails, then pulled off my finger nails, then made me read every blog in my links, then commented "LOL" under my name. I must say by then I was ready to tell him anything. I put my plan into action and sobbed like a baby until they let doon their guard.

I loosened one of me rotten teeth and spat it out like a bullet hitting Cunklin between the eyes killing him instantly. The chair I was tied to became a weapon and I killed my guards in a matter of seconds.

This post has gone on long enough so................... foot chase, car chase, a line of coke on a mirrored table, shoot-outs, explosions, lentils and walking away to the sound of sirens somehow having taped Cunklin calling the Queen a limey bitch and thus justifying all of my actions.

They closed Treadmill and started an new project codenamed "Blackmuff" which is the same thing just different people, you know the government. One of the many reasons I hate working for the Yanks, same smell of shite just under a different brand name.

Role end credits:

Extreme gheys are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd boned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme gheys I know want my bum
The colors of my pee
Perfect color me

Extreme gheys that help me
That help me out at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any shite
Dirty basements, dirty boyz
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it rimmed.

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for piss.

Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, it always stains.

Extreme dealers that sold to me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me a bong.

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my shop
Too many things to cover me
Too much wanking can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many feces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, it always stains.

Any resemblance to anything similar is purely coincidental, its not my fault someone ripped off my life.

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