Friday, 13 March 2009

Monster Savings On Evil Day

Prepare for a tale so chilling that you had wished you never had gotten out of bed on this Friday 13th revisited. Unless it was some slapper you shagged and you wanted to make a getaway before she saw what you looked like in daylight or wanted paid cos that is a great reason to get out of bed.

It was eighteen hundred and elevenity two I had been sentenced to hang under the severe draconian laws of so-called justice for stealing a loaf of bread to feed my family. To be fair it was half a loaf as I was hungry after robbing the shop and killing the two shop owners.

I stood bravely on the scaffold with the crowd jeering at me shouting insults, that was when I asked for my wife and 8 kids to be removed.

I was asked for any last words, I looked up to the sky, the coarse rope itching my neck and I said, " It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest", thats as far as I got cos they got bored and pulled the lever.

Fucking amateurs it didn't snap my neck, I hung there choking to death and that is when I had an out of body experience, my bowels released and I was dead.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a laboratory, a wild man shouting, "Its alive its alive" I still had my own brain but it was damaged as it had been dropped a few times, I had the smirk of Bruce Willis, the hands of pedo priest and the penis of a donkey.

I was a monster. The bolts in my neck were for jump starting me in cold weather and I had to wear platform shoes as they contained the batteries.

Suddenly the clock struck ten and the villagers with pitchforks and flaming torching turned up, "kill the creature" they shouted as they attacked me . I could have used my super human strength but I only had the arms of an IT specialist. I should have ran but in those shoes I was like a poor defenseless Spice gurl unless you count sporty but I don't really think she was a gurl.

I was killed 3 times over and my head put onto a pike as a warning to mad scientist grave robbers.

I only wanted love ...................... well if you had a big donkey penis you'd like to try it out too.


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4 comments:

Donn Coppens said...

HAHAHA! Excellent Story! That explains a lot.

It was very thoughtful of you to post a cautionary tale for all of the paraskevadecatriaphobists who dread the number 13.

I recently received an e-mail that illuminates upon how you can put a little spin and polish on any criminals in your family history.

The example was a horse thief named Remus Reid who was sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, was finally caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted, and hanged in 1889.

If that happened today it would be spun like this on CNN..

Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.


Ain't IT the truth!

MJ said...

If your head was put onto a pike, that would make you a mermaid, er, merman.

Old Knudsen said...

donn my darling you could just become Mormon and let them change the bad apples in yer family history.

MJ do you like the taste of sushi? do you spit of swallow?

Selchie said...

Brilliant!!)